Get over yourself PLEASE

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by KateMac329, May 12, 2006.

  1. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    This is what I am constantly telling myself! Do you?

    My depression has taken a nose dive and I really don't know why. I am isolating myself more and more but ironically I will get out for my son. That doesn't make any sense but that is what I do.

    I take him for walks and show him all the pretty plants and let him feel all the different textures of everything in the outside world all the while feeling so sad inside.

    My husband has been traveling a lot which takes a toll on me. He gets back tomorrow and thank goodness doesn't have another trip for a few months.

    I tell myself to "get over yourself" because I feel like my depression is making my pain and fatigue worse.

    I dwell.

    I let things get to me.

    Lately I have been having such a hard time and I need help taking care of my son but when I do actually ask for help I am continually let down. THIS makes me isolate myself even more!

    I asked my MIL last week if she would like to keep my son one afternoon a week so not only could she spend time with him but it would allow me to get some things done. She just looked at me. It was weird. Now a week later and it hasn't been mentioned at all.

    AND they know their son is out of town yet do they call and ask if I need anything or any help. NO they don't!

    Get over yourself!

    I feel like I am making a bigger deal out of it then it is but it makes me mad that they want to have all the "fun" yet aren't willing to "help out" when I need help.

    Then my own Mother who isn't all that dependable in the first place and an alcoholic who I believe is drinking again was supposed to come over twice this week and bailed on me both times.

    The first time was on Wednesday and I was supposed to go to the doctor for my ankles and she called and said that she didn't want to come over because it was raining. COME ON!

    I shouldn't be dwelling. Get over yourself!

    Then today she bailed on me too. She was supposed to come over to help me with my son so I could get some housework done and possibly take a nap. Well she called this morning and acted like we had never even made the plans. It was weird!

    Okay, see I need to just to get over it and let this stuff roll off my back but I can't.

    Does anyone else have that problem?

    I have been feeling so alone that I actually deleted my whole profile on here. I don't know why. Self conscious? I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I don't understand it.

    AND I am dreading Mother's Day like crazy all because I don't want to have to spend my first Mother's Day with the two women I really don't want to spend time with.

    I know get over myself. Sometimes, no all the time we have to do things in life we just don't want to do. Sometimes existence itself is not something I want to do but then I think about my son and how precious he is.

    So all in all I think I just need to get over myself but I just don't know how.

    I need to get out of this funk I am in and be happy with life as it is handed to me. Stop feeling sorry for ME and get out there! Maybe if I am not so depressed my pain and fatigue will be better. ????

    ((HUGS))

    kate
    [This Message was Edited on 05/12/2006]
  2. sfrazier

    sfrazier New Member

    Kate all of your feelings are only natural. There is nothing to get over. If you feel that way then you feel that way. I think part of the problem is that Mothers Day is coming up and I for one don't always feel like the best of moms right now. I've pretty much cut myself off from everyone but my girls. When you do go out on a limb and ask someone for help and they bail on you that is wrong of them. You have nothing to get over. I sometimes think that the hardest thing with this DD is how we feel. They say that Fibro and CFS is not all in your head but the depression does come with it. You try to act normal when every muscle in your body tells you it's not and no one seems to understand that. Don't tell yourself to just get over it because your feelings are valid feelings. I hope once your husband gets home things will be better for you and if you don't want to spend Mothers Day with those two mothers then don't. It is also your day now so do something you want even if it's just taking a walk with your son. Good luck....SueF
  3. Jo29

    Jo29 New Member

    I can't imagine how lonely you must feel. My daughter wants me to help her a lot. I can't always do it, because I don't feel well my self.

    Is there a church that has a preschool who offers a Mom's day out? Maybe you could ask your doctor for some info on a group such as this.

    Is there anyone you could hire and trust for a couple of hours a week?

    I know that there are some Mommy and me classes where you could get out and be with other mothers like yourself. Then maybe someone there will know of someone who could help you out.

    Right now in my life I am a grandma... so I am not truly up to date on a lot of these things.

    I wish I lived closer. I would help when I could.

    Hugs,

    Jodi
  4. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Hi hon,

    I'm so glad that you chose to communicate. You're really doing a great job with little Bean, because I know from my own experiences how HARD it is to push past depression.

    Good for you for taking him out!!! Are you still seeing the therapist that you started with? I hope so, because I see you still expecting your mother to be different, when she is not reliable, or maybe not even willing to help.

    I know how painful that is. And another time you mentioned your Sister was not reliable. Hon, if you grew up this way, you need healing for yourself which will affect the baby in a good way and your husband as well. If you're continuing with your therapy, it takes time to understand family patterns.

    It's very sad, I don't blame you for being angry and upset. But you're relying on people who will not/can not come through for you.

    But thank God you have your healthy baby and a loving husband. Were you feeling less depressed for awhile before these issues came up? Or is the med. not working properly?

    Sending lots of love and ((hugs))!
    Judy
  5. leubie

    leubie New Member

    Hey Kate-----my name is Laura---------Im not sure "if we have met" !!!!!!I was reading this post and all I could think of what a LOVING, GIVING AND SPECIAL PERSON you are------ I LOVED the part about you taking your son for walks---------------what a lucky boy to have you as his Mom!!!!! I am sorry you are going through this------------I know its hard w/ your hubby gone so much---------and NO HELP from grandmother---------I am a single Mom -------------and you are too sometimes!!!!---------bUT YOU ARE DOING GREAT w/ your son-----------------and believe it or not fe WILL REMEMBER AND/OR sense this--------------If I lived near you I would come right over---------please keep us updated ------------------AND KNOW THAT WE ALL CARE---------------LOVE TO ALL------------LAURA
  6. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    I Have been worried about you for the longest time.

    I am not trained in any sort of physical or mental health care.

    But in my heart, I feel you are in more trouble than you can get out yourself. PLEASE..find outside help with someone who knows how to find out the cause for your depression and knows how to help you get your head above water. Help can be had..I needed it once, and got great help!

    This time I am most worried because you erased your profile. WHY? does that worry me? I don't know, honey, but it does.

    I think you are the daughter that some of us on here would like to have...I have felt that way about you because of how well you are able to share your feelings and thoughts with us. Because of this feeling we all care so much about YOU and your happiness.

    Please, kiddo...look in the yellow pages for help if it comes down to that...but get it.

    Jana
  7. Hope4Sofia

    Hope4Sofia New Member

    I agree with the others. Don't hate yourself for these feelings. You are really struggling right now. That is OK.

    Years ago I went throug a period of very severe depression. It felt like a black hole with no way out. That is how it felt but that wasn't reality. There is a way out. There are people who can help you lovingly and compassionately - without judgement.

    I know you have had some big changes lately. Motherhood is one of the biggest. I don't know if you have considered the possibility of post-partum depression but that could be at play here as well.

    I had post-partum depression after my boys and it was horrible. The thing is you may not realize that it's happening because you're coping somehow - but that isn't how it should be.

    I went on meds to help me through that time and it made a HUGE difference for me. Please consider that option if you haven't already.

    This is not to say that you don't have many valid reasons to be down. But, unfortunately those reasons will continue to present themselves. You need help so they won't be so painful for you.

    I wish we could all just scoop you up and take away your pain. Many of us have been there and we want you to know there is a way out.

    Much love,

    Sofia
  8. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    You have valid reasons for feeling the way that you do. I too am dealing with people that are disappointing me. I know how much it hurts. It is the people that you expect to be there for you and that hurts so much.

    It is not your fault and it is not my fault although I have been told that it is at times. It is hurtful because if you were well you would not need these people and it is hard to feel dependent on others for those of us that were very independent in our past life.

    It is hard not to dwell when we are just asking for help to survive. I know that I need help in dealing with the same type of issues. It eats at me and it's doing the same to you. Why can't people just be nice??? I would love to have compassion and understanding for Mother's Day. That would be the best gift that I could ever get. I'm not expecting it though.

    I understand what you are saying about existence and it is scary. Please remember you are not alone.
  9. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I am so glad you posted this...we miss you around here!!

    Hon, you don't have to spend Mother's Day with anyone that you don't want to spend it with. Tell hubby and he can tell everyone that you all just want to spend it quietly together.

    If I remember right, your Mother was never dependable (and niether was your sister)....Their patterns of behavior mean they probably won't become dependable any time soon.

    The fact that you still give them a chance speaks of what a wonderful outlook you really do have to continue to give them chances to change and do better.

    But when they don't...it's not about you, it never really was...they're too busy thinking about themselves to think about you. It's a shame but that's just the way it is.

    Have you talked to your husband about this?? I know he's been gone a lot and that will add to your stress and feeling all alone, but does he know how you feel when he's gone?

    You might have some expectations about Mother's Day too. My first one didn't go so well but...they really get fun when the kids can pick a handful of dandylions and burn a piece of toast and bring it to you in bed....then it's really fun.

    And last of all, have you talked to your Doc about this? You know we worry around here. And you're NOT alone...you have all of us to talk to, and you can ask any question that you need to. We're here and there's always someone online at all times too.

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/12/2006]
  10. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Sfrazier –

    I know that you are a better Mom then you give yourself credit for. I for one am a perfectionist so nothing I ever do is good enough. I can’t ever simply say, I did the best I could. I beat myself up and always tell myself I could have done better.

    As a perfectionist, I believe it is one of the reasons I am always so shocked when the people around me act the way they do. I don’t ever put myself first so I guess I automatically think that others should be the same way. I mean I don’t go around being rude to people because they are doing things for themselves but when one can’t simply reach out it just surprises the heck out of me.



    Jo29 –

    It has been awhile since I posted last but one of my latest posts was asking others if they isolated themselves.

    I have had many people suggest calling churches for childcare, finding a Mother’s morning out program and also just hiring someone. The thing I am just so stressed out and sick that I have this incredible insecurity. Not only does it give me anxiety to think of a stranger taking care of my son but actually putting myself out there to communicate with others is just frightening.

    I have become so immersed into my own little world over the past couple of years that it is so hard for me to talk to others. I used to be a very outgoing and social person and now it is just ridiculous. I just want to stay inside my shell.

    It is comforting though to know that many others on this board feel the same way. I do not wish these feelings on anyone but just knowing I am not the only one that has isolated myself feels good, almost normal if that makes any sense.

    I know it must be hard for you to want to spend time with your grandchild and not be able to because of your health. Children change and grow so quickly that you don’t ever want to miss a second.



    Windblade –

    Believe it or not however selfish I have been I have been thinking of you and praying for your healing with your PTSD. I haven’t been on here in awhile so I don’t know what is new with your therapy but I hope that your insurance is still helping to pay and that you are healing with your therapists help.

    I am still seeing my therapist but to be honest I am a little mad at her. It is me, all me but the last time I saw her we discussed my MIL and how I was having a hard time with her. Ever since my MIL told me that she fully expected me to miscarry, that my baby would die I just can’t seem to like her if that makes any sense. I am angry at her for saying what she did and my therapist said that I need to “get over it”. She is right I need to move on but she didn’t really tell me how to move past it. She just told to move on. How am I supposed to do that?

    So this is yet another thing I am telling myself to get over but again not knowing “how”.

    My next appointment is June 1st and I just don’t know what to talk about. She has suggested I see a psychiatrist but I am having great difficulty with my insurance on this. I can’t seem to find one that my insurance will pay for. Wait I take that back, there are two but they can’t get me in until August. ???? My understanding was that when someone needed help there would be doctors willing to help but unless you are suicidal they won’t see you in an appropriate time table. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

    You are right when you tell me that I am depending on people who can’t be there for me. Like I said above in another response it just shocks me when people can’t seem to reach out. People are so boxed in. But you know as I am writing this I am realizing that I am so boxed in that I might not be able to help anyone else either. The difference with me is that when I tell someone I am going to be there I do it come heck or high water. I have the inability to put myself first so I just assume others are the same.

    I don’t know if my medicine is still working. I am guessing not since I seemed to have slipped a little bit. I was doing really well for awhile and then it just hit me hard again. I have thought about calling my OB but I just don’t know what I would say to him. I am mostly afraid of asking for help because people automatically assume that when you are experiencing PPD you want to hurt your children. This is not true for me. It makes me sick literally to think about anything happening to little bean. Literally, I get physically sick.

    Growing up my Father was abusive. Two years ago I confronted him on it and he completely denied it, told me that I imagined it all. The thought of him hitting my son or even grabbing his shirt makes me sick. The funny thing is as toxic as my parents are I can’t seem to shut them out. I feel obligated somehow. We seem to “get along” so I feel I have no real cause to shut them out if that makes any sense.

    When I have tried to stop communication with them before they were shell shocked like they didn’t know what was happening.

    Maybe this is yet another reason I feel self hatred and I self sabotage, I can’t seem to make up my mind on what kind of a relationship to have with them if any at all. So far they have been very good to bean but I am just waiting for the shoe to drop.

    Thank you so much for writing and for your support. I sincerely have missed our conversations. You seem to understand a lot of what I am going through. Everyone here is very thoughtful and kind and give support and I appreciate it so much.

    ((Healing Hugs))



    Leubie –

    Nice to “meet” you too! You are very kind to say the things you did. Although I don’t believe we have “talked” before you seem like you are a very caring person with a lot of love in your heart.

    Although I am not a single Mom I do sometimes feel that way with my husband being gone and with no help from anyone else. I can’t imagine really being a single Mom. I just honestly can not imagine how hard that must be. BUT you must be very proud of yourself for having done things on your own. For myself when my husband is gone I surprise myself at the things I am able to accomplish and know deep in my heart that if anything ever happened to him I would survive. God forbid, I get so nervous when he flies or when he is on the road.

    It is funny because as an engineer you don’t think they would travel all that much but I guess it depends on what kind of job you are in. A lot of times I wish that my husband had a job where he didn’t have to travel but then I think about how lucky we are to live the way we do and I just need to “get over it”. Yes I really do tell myself that a lot. I just feel sorry for myself way too much.

    Thanks for the support.



    Jana1 –

    I have more people than I believe that care about me and thank your for your thoughts. You are right, I also believe that I am in more trouble then I think I can handle. The problem is…I can’t give in to this. I have to be strong. I won’t let this beat me, I just won’t!

    I don’t know why I erased my profile I really don’t. The night I did it I was feeling so lonely and I came on here to reach out and instead I deleted the profile and picture. I very much feel like I don’t matter and that I don’t have anything good to contribute. That is anywhere whether it is here on the board or in “real” life. I have a very low self-esteem. My husband bless him has actually given me some confidence. I used to think I was a very stupid and illiterate person but with his confidence in me I started to build some of myself up.

    I am not feeling much of it lately though. I feel so ugly and raw. Although I love my son more than life itself I hate what has happened to my body. When I look in the mirror I get disgusted. Actually most days I avoid the mirror. I gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy and I am having a hard time getting it off. I know that this contributes to a lot of how I feel. Weight was always an issue growing up. In high school my Father would actually make me weigh in daily to keep track of my weight. I don’t know if he meant it the way I took it but it contributed to a lot of issues with my body image.

    You know it is funny, you say that there are people here that feel I am the daughter they would want but my own Mother doesn’t really want me. I wish that so many of you were my Mother’s instead. I wish that I had someone here with me that was compassionate, stable and reliable. I have always been the Mom and I think I always will. For once I want to be nurtured but I think I expect too much.



    Hope4sofia –

    I am sorry you experienced this kind of depression too. It is really hard to differentiate what is real and what isn’t. I actually find myself asking if this is really happening or am I in some dream and I will wake up and things will be different.

    I hope to soon get a medication adjustment. I just need to find a doctor to help me with this. I know that things don’t have to be the way they are and with me feeling this way I think anything anyone does at this point is just another notch in the belt. I have been let down and beat down so much that it is hard for even the small things to not be painful.



    ***I want to thank each of you for your kindness and support. I came on here a couple of weeks ago but felt too broken to even write anything at all. I am embarrassed because I want to be a good positive person and I just don’t feel like I am ever actually contributing to this board. I feel like I am that girl who is the downer. Maybe once I get my head above water I will feel differently but for now it is just how I feel.

    Thank you all for thinking of me. I hope all of you are feeling the best you can today and that today was a good day for you.

    I am wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day weekend!

    ((HUGS))

    kate






  11. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Sorry you are feeling down. It sounds like maybe you did not have the greatest childhood with your mom... I am only mentioning that because I recently started seeing a excellent therapist who told me everything comes from childhood.

    I would not feel obligated to spend time with your mother or MIL if you don't want to. Do what will make you happy on Mothers Day, even if that is being alone with your own family.

    If your mom is drinking again maybe you don't need her to babysit???

    You asked if we let things "roll off our back"? Nothing rolls off our backs when it comes to mothers or people who let us down.

    Why don't you arrange to hire a babysitter once a week to help you get some down time for yourself.

    Also, I am very hopeful seeing this great therapist I will feel better soon. Maybe you could consider seeing a therapist. I know it is hard, it is for me, but I also know deep down it is good for me and I do feel better.

  12. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Brooksiemom –

    No you are right my Mom and Sister have never been dependable. The thing is you are right about it not being about me and all about them. They can’t seem to give any of themselves to anyone else.

    I guess I feel somewhat self absorbed when I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself like I have been the past couple of weeks. That is why I keep telling myself to get over it. I don’t want to be that kind of selfish person like they are.

    You know I contradict myself though. I say that I expect people to give themselves to others like I give myself, yet I also feel extremely selfish. It doesn’t make sense. I guess I just feel any time that I block out for me I am not making everyone else happy. Just like with this Mother’s Day thing. I feel incredible guilty that I don’t want to spend the holiday with either Mom. I feel I don’t deserve to have this holiday.

    You made me tear up when you told me about the burnt toast and flowers. I absolutely can’t wait until I get a handful of Dandelions for Mother’s Day! That will be something so special!

    Have a great holiday! You deserve it!

    ((HUGS))

    kate
  13. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    You know I don't know why I feel obligated to spend Mother's Day with them but I always have to PLEASE others. I am I guess what you would call a people pleaser. The thing is though is that I don't please myself when I do this. I think I do but I beat myself up for it in the long run.

    I am seeing a therapist. I don't really know if I like her but I am going to make myself go to my next appointment. We will see how it goes. I am glad that you are going to one and it is helping you. I understand about not wanting to go though. I put off leaving for my appointment until the very last second! But you are right it will help in the long run.

    Thanks for bringing up the rolling off the back thing. I feel like I don't let things go but you are right when the people we think we have supporting us lets us down it IS hard to let that go.

    You know it is funny because you are right. On the one hand I don't want my Mom around my son because I think she is drinking but I can't prove it. I have specifically asked her if she were drinking and she answered my question with a question. "Why are you asking me that?"

    On the other hand I am so desperate for help that I think that is why I am turning to her. I do know deep in my heart that she wouldn't drink around my son. At least I don't think she would. Now I am questioning myself but maybe that is good. But you know she has actually gotten several DUI's so who knows what she is capable of.

    Thanks for writing in. I appreciate the support!

    ((HUGS))

    kate

  14. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    I am on my way to bed and hopefully going to get some sleep tonight but I wanted to say thank you for the hugs!

    How are things going with your Dad? I haven't been on in awhile and am not clear where you are with living with him. (sorry!) But let me know how it is going!

    I do appreciate the hugs! :)

    ((((HUGS))))

    kate
  15. azcactuslil

    azcactuslil New Member

    I am right there with you. I can't even begin to count how many times I have bailed my family out. Yet, I am just blown away with how convenient everyone forgets that I might need help once in awhile. I have my pride (maybe not a good thing)and am not going to whine about it. It does get depressing.

    Face it. This is a depressing illness. In fact, depression is an illness that needs to be treated as well. I know because I have struggled with it. It's ok it's just something that you need to have monitored like all the other stuff by someone who know what they are doing. Nothing to feel bad about. Just a fact of life for some of us.

    You shouldn't feel bad about how you are feeling. The people around should be be more involved but bottom line is. You are still the same person you were before this DD. Now there is just another thing on your plate. Lift your chin up and thank God for that little one and keep moving.
  16. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    You are so right! When we need our family they are too busy or make up some excuse not to be there but when they need help boy you better get over there and help quick!

    I guess I am just still naive or maybe just down right stupid but I truly believe that one day people will turn around and help out their family.

    Heck do you know that strangers are more likely to help someone out then their own family? It is true! Not that I have statistics or anything but everything that you hear of these days, family just doesn't stick together like they used too.

    Plus I think it is the society we live in. Other countries the families actually live together until the children get married and even then the spouses of the children will join the family. Everyone works to help one another.

    Here it is all for one, give me mine.

    I like what you said about we are the same person we were before we got sick but with more on our plate. That is a good one I am going to have to remember that!

    Thanks for writing!

    ((HUGS))

    kate
  17. ldbgcoleman

    ldbgcoleman New Member

    The good news is you are learning who you can't depend on. That's a good thing to know! It stinks that you don't have the type of Mom and MIL you deserve but there it is.

    You have no control over other people only over yourself and how you respond to them. I would feel mad about it but I would also feel sad for them because they are missing out on a beautiful baby and a beautiful DIL. Also if your Mom has a drinking problem maybe she is not the best person to look after your prescious baby anyway.

    School is almost out here and I have a 14 year old neighbor coming over 2 days a week for a few hours so I can get some errands done. It really is not that expensive and she is reliable and her mom is 2 doors down. So how about a mothers helper??

    I also think you may be a little more thyan just blue and may need to get some help from your obgyn. You shouldn't be embarrassed at all. My sister had the same thimng without your illness to deal with. She is fine now. I also have a friend who had to have a life altering surgery that got depressed. She got help and withing a matter of days she was back to her old self.

    Whatever you do know that there are many who care about you and love you. Don't be selfconcious it's Ok. Lynn
  18. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    Try to go easy on yourself- you are a great mother and your husband will be home now for awhile....things will get better! God bless, Terri
  19. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I agree with Hangin....you need to tell your OB exactly what you've told us.

    They won't think you'll harm lil bean knowing your history and what you've been through.

    I do know one other thing...(and hopefully a few more too) and that's NO ONE can deal with depression/ppd by themselves.

    I know you want to feel better, we all want you to feel better, but you can't do it alone. Please make that call and let them know what you've been feeling.

    There's really no way you can just "get over yourself" out of PPD.

    Please Kate, make the call...

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.
  20. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    I always love your posts and you. I think your doing an amazing job with your little baby. You have your husband gone alot, no outside help and CFS/FM/Depression. That is very hard to balance all that, don`t be so hard on yourself.

    I have been more depressed lately too because of the IC I developed. I was on cymbalt and didn`t feel like it was doing anything anymore for my depression or pain. So, I asked my doctor to swith my to welbutrin. I just started 2 days ago. Maybe your doctor could find a different anti-depressant that work better for you.

    As for Mother`s Day, neither of them deserve your company after the way they have been acting. They are being very selfish, heck with them.

    I wish I had you for a daughter, I`d be proud and I be there in a heartbeat.

    Hugs,
    Sandy