Getting Family Member To Understand...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Amee332003, Sep 30, 2005.

  1. Amee332003

    Amee332003 New Member

    Does anyone have any advice in getting family members including husbands to understand how it is dealing with CF and FM? I think my husband is in DENIAL!!!
    Thanks..Amee
  2. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I'm sorry, Amee, because I can't help you.

    I've been married nearly 35 years, and my husband is a great man, but I have been sick for almost as long as we have been married, so I think he has become numb to my aches and pains. I have a multitude of health problems (see my bio), so it's a lot more than the fibro.

    I don't think he really cares HOW I feel most of the time!! At least, that is how he acts. The only time it is apparent to me that he is concerned or worried, is the times when I am hospitalized for my heart conditions. Then, sometimes I think that's only because I think he is afraid that I am going to die, and he doesn't know how to do anything around the house for himself!!

    So, the only advice that I could offer, is to make sure you think about yourself, too!! I know when you're a mother, you tend to think about nothing but the kids and your husband, but you have to take time to think about YOUSELF!!!

    If you come home from work too tired to cook, then don't cook! Tell the kids and hubby, the life has been sucked out of you today, and THEY either have to fix supper or you guys order a pizza for dinner!!

    Have a litle sit-down meeting when they are all around and "tell" them that you don't care if they believe you or not on how you feel, but you must take charge of your own life in order to continue working, and they (the kids & hubby) HAVE TO start helping with the picking up junk around the house, cleaning day on Saturday (I never did anything during the week except wash towels and jeans), getting something to eat during the week, errands, etc.

    Only do what you feel like doing, and to heck with the rest. Then ..... maybe hubby will start to notice.

    I did it all, and played superMom, the whole time that I worked and raised my 3 kids and husband (yes, I included him as a child to raise!! he really needed more attention than them!!) and I wish I would have laid the law down more!

    There were days that I had to come home and go straight to bed. I had heart problems, too, and I didn't care sometimes if anybody ate anything or not!! I have also had to take a day of vacation just to stay home in bed because my body just could not make it any longer -- our company didn't believe you should use your sick days to be sick!! -- they said they were there "just in case you needed them for a hospital stay or surgery!"

    Hope someone comes along and gives you some advice that you can use. Right now, my children are all adults and out of the house, I am retired, and my hubby is still working (praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so if I'm feeling bad and want to sleep until noon, I do it!! Nobody knows but me!!

    However, he has caught on to the fact that I am sleeping late every day now!! He hears me up late on the computer and tells me that I have my days and nights mixed up and that I need to go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier!!

    Maybe some day!!!! LOL

    Take care of yourself,
    Hugs,
    Janet
  3. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    There is a story called Spoons, that explains exactly what it's like to have chronic pain and fatigue. It's in a very readable format and not real long. Maybe if you print it out and give it to him to read or just leave it out for him, he will get it! (Just type spoons in the search box above.)

    Try to focus on what's positive in your relationship. Maybe your husband is in denial. I can't remember how long you've had FM or been diagnosed with it, but you and your family will go through the stages of grief. Denial is the first stage.

    Wishing you well!

    Francie
  4. jvrealty

    jvrealty New Member

    ABSOLUTELY WONDERSUL AND WELL THOUGHT OUT TO SHARE WITH US. THANKS SO MUCH. I WILL BE USING THIS FOR MY MEMBERS. THEY JUST DON'T GET IT. I HAVE FIBRO, DX IN 12/03. LOST MY JOB AND OTHER STUFF TOO. I HAVE JUST RECENTLY GONE THROUGH THE GREIVING PROCESS AND I MUST SAY THAT THIS WAS NECESSARY FOR ME TO COPE.

    BLESSINGS SENT YOUR WAY!

    JV
    [This Message was Edited on 09/30/2005]
  5. Amee332003

    Amee332003 New Member

    Hi Janet! Thank you for the advice....I have just started doing the same thing you said...If I come home from work and I don't feel like cooking, I tell him he is going to have to cook!! I have alway been a go getter..doing everything...and now it's just not possible!! I think he is in denial...but hopefully one day he will understand.

    I do work for a small business in my home town now for 8yrs..My boss is my best friend and has some medical issues too, so she is very, very understanding!! I use to work 40-60 hrs.during our busy season, but since this has all kicked in I may work 20-30 hrs..and she is fine with it..and still get paid my reg. 40hrs.!! That is been a blessing!!!!!!!!!

    I do have lots of support from my sister..also with FM and from my Mom..possibly has FM just hasn't been DX. It's just an issue with Hubby, and In Laws... But I'm sure it will get better..hopefully..

    I will remember you in my prayers....
    Thanks a lot!!
    Amee
  6. Amee332003

    Amee332003 New Member

    Hi Francie..Thank you for telling me about "Spoons". What a great explanation. I will definitley use it!!
    I have CF..haven't been DX with FM..but know I must have it...my sister has it and says she feels the same way. Rhuemy Dr. want try to diagnose it until by B12 levels are normal..even with everything I've told him he hasn't even done the tender points tests..My family dr...thinks I have it..that's why he referred my to a Rhuemy...
    Thanks again for everything...
    Amee
  7. Amee332003

    Amee332003 New Member

    I'm sorry your wife doesn't understand...I have often said if we all had something visible...like boils all over..that no one would ever doubt us again!!!

    Try to think positive thoughts...
    Amee
  8. sassykat

    sassykat New Member

    I think my husband is as supportive as anyone can be who doesn't live with chronic pain all the time. I used to feel so lazy...like everyone looked at me like I just didn't want to participate, not like I couldn't. I wanted to do all the activities that everyone else was doing, I just found it impossible. And if I pushed myself for fear of what others would say, I suffered even more for days. So now, I do what I can. I don't make excuses, or try to explain. I know how I feel, and I work with that.
  9. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    I love that story too.My husband looks at me like I am crazy when I tell him that I just gave him one of my spoons.I wish I could give you some advice but I have the same problem.I just come here all the time and talk with my friends here.It does help alot.Maybe printing out the spoon story and giving it out to family and mainly your husband would help.I hope so.

    Take care,
    Sheila