Getting sicker by the day from relief...any options?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CinCA, Jan 16, 2006.

  1. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    I've posted a few times about a job change for my husband and an upcoming move associated with it (a couple hours away). He now has a start date of early Feb., we found a nice place to lease for the time being, and we are scheduled to move the end of Jan. Our house isn't even on the market yet, and we have so much to do. Well, not that much, but we both are so exhausted (and I have CFS which is flaring so badly), so very little gets done each day.

    I am utterly miserable about the move. I can't stand anything about where we are going, and I really have tried to like it. I hate it more each time I go up there, which I've done a lot as I've been the one looking for rentals since hubby is working still at his old job. It took me 4 hours to go the 115 mi. back home on Friday, when I got the keys to the new place, and that really put me over the edge.

    My husband refuses to negotiate on anything, esp. as we now have a signed lease. I had such misgivings but felt so forced to do all of this. I also will be almost 100 mi. from the only doctor who has helped me, and our daughter (who has had her own issues), and I do not have the energy to find someone else. The stress and my intense unhappiness over the situation are clearly manifesting themselves physicially...I have awful, itchy skin, keep breaking out in spotty rashes, my appetite is gone, and I am severely underweight and keep slowly dropping more pounds. I usually never, ever cry, and I've just bawled almost every day, and my husband and I are fighting horribly. Honestly, if I could support myself and I thought my daughter would be okay, I am to the point I would likely file for divorce. I am that miserable, and I did consult with an attorney last week.

    I don't know if there is anything I can do to resolve this. The biggest issue is even if I liked where we are moving, I am in no shape to handle the stress of any of this right now. And my husband refuses to understand this. He actually accused me yesterday of stressing him out and making him so miserable that "how would you like it if I keeled over from a heart attack?" It's an awful, awful situation. BTW, he doesn't even consider CFS "valid" and repeatedly says I feel so badly because I don't eat well/enough and don't exercise. I would have never gotten married if I had even an inkling it would turn out like this, and I should have listened to those pre-marriage jitters.

    Thanks to anyone who can listen, and sorry I just need to vent...I have no one really to talk to.
  2. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Dear Cinca,
    My heart bled as I read your story. Although I feel very strongly, I realize I can't tell you what to do, and I don't want to increase your stress.

    I will tell you, however, what the effect of being unhappy and caught in a situaton I hated, did to me. I blacked out at the top of a flight of stairs and rolled down them. I was lucky to end up with only a broken leg. When I tried to walk, I kept on falling over. I went through a lot of tests, and it was concluded that my lack of balance was caused by "situational stress". This was my body's way of tellng me to change my life. So I did. I left the convent.

    Your child needs you. How can you support her emotionally if you are both sick and unhappy? What did the attorney say? Is there not some program that would help you get on your feet, or give ou money to live on? Things might be hard, but what kind of hard? Needing money and having to do without is bearable if one is in a loving situation. I am appauled that your hubby does not treasure the mother of his child, and the person whom he chose to be his life partner. Please, consider your worth. You are a "pearl of great price", and should not be cast away.

    You have value and the right to be considered, and treated with kindness.
    God bless and a big hug!
  3. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    that made the cup flow over. Maybe it's more clear to you now where your heart is. I think you know deep within where you are heading. Listen to that and the rest will follow, the tools and means will come with it. You can do it.
  4. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    For the support and so nice posts! I have tried to explain, implored, yelled, and screamed at my husband that I DO NOT like the area and even if I did, my body CANNOT take the stress of moving right now. And he says, "Well, you're the one who signed the lease agreement and took it up there." Yeah, because I felt so trapped and was so utterly fried of trekking up the freeway to look at awful places, meet horrible people (including a home's caretaker that basically said "get the H*** off my land and get your car off my cement driveway"...seriously...hubby said not to worry and he was just "on a power trip"), and deal with so much I should never have to. The realtor I was using to find rentals and who I had planned to use to find land to build on has all but called me "high maintenance" to my face and even last night said to stop sending so many e-mails so she wouldn't be "burned out" (literally) by the time we looked for land. This is a woman who could get a multi, multi-thousand dollar paycheck if we bought land from her, as we have quite a large budget. And I was not looking for a palace, but I did need somewhere that would fit at least a portion of our furniture and be a safe and clean rental for our daughter. I had it after I literally pulled an ant out of her hair while looking at a $4500/mo. rental dive of a place that just happened to be on the bluffs. It also stank of dampness from a roof leak (that she assured me would be fixed), and she said "This owner is not a slum lord" when I inquired about if mold testing was available. Then, after obviously deciding not to pursue the rental, she told me she didn't know if she could help me because I was being "too picky". I would've bailed on her a long time ago, but the other people I've looked at seem like total flakes and haven't followed through on the simplest of things, or they don't live in and just don't know the area, requirements for us buying land there because of the terrain and inherent potential issues.

    It's been awful. My husband keeps telling me to give it time...I'll get used to it...when I know I will tolerate it at best. It's not like I love this area by any means, although I am quite attached to our little cozy house we completely renovated ourselves. Now that the loose ends are being finished up, it looks so nice, and I get such solace from our amazing ocean view, which of course I have to give up for a reasonable rental. My husband says it's only a rental (and the house is very nice), and it's short-term, yet we could be in it 2-3 or maybe more years even if we found land to build on right away (and that alone could take well into 2006 or longer). I tell him I won't move, won't sign anything, etc., and he refuses to tolerate any of it. Just today, I told him he could live in the house by himself...even have our daughter up there every weekend (we could drive up), or he could drive the 100 mi. there and back each day...I don't even care anymore. And I am NOT that cold and nasty of a person, but I have gotten that bitter and resentful. He refuses to deal and hung up on me today.

    I have to admit I do go back and forth between going through the move motions and trying to convince myself it will be okay (although I CANNOT get excited about this house...I'm just happy it's clean, spacious, and the owners are nice), and being utterly miserable, screaming at him how much I hate it, and having hysterical crying fits. I am that stressed...even friends I haven't talked to for awhile are shocked and taken aback just when we talk on the phone ("You sound awful!" they all say, and I am trying to be chipper and pleasant). And tonight, we have hubby's going-away dinner for work, which I really should be at but I just don't know if I can handle without bursting into tears. What am I supposed to say when everyone asks me how excited I am about the move? Lie, like I have been doing for so long as we couldn't even tell anyone about this for 2 months ('til this past Thurs.)? It's a mess. I know things could be so much worse, but I was so "fragile" to begin with I am really coming unglued.

    Thanks again...I so appreciate any support I can get!
  5. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    I hope it all works out and helps your health in the long run!
  6. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Husbands can be like that. They do not understand.
    Like I mentioned in another post: I got the doctor to write my diagnosis on a prescription pad. I used that on my husband an he accepted that something physical was wrong with me.
    We ended up divorcing. It was the bickering that did it.
    Diagnosis or not he felt I could live a normal life.
    I would ask him 'how' and he said to 'apply myself'.
    The divorce proceedings started around then.
    And I know divorce is not always the answer, but in my case I just could not stand that he would look at the doctor's note and then blow it off.
    Best of luck with the move or whatever you do. It would be nice if you can keep the same doctor.
  7. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    For your continued helpful advice and support. No, my husband won't believe anything written down or told to him from any kind of physician. He can be quite the "my way or the highway" kind of guy with his opinions, as can I, and as can be our 4 y.o. daughter, too. So much fun. But I did know this going into our relationship and was okay with it.

    As I mentioned, I've done no type of formal exercise program for months (really barely this year), although I am fortunate enough to have lucky genetics and a busy lifestyle so I am more in shape than I should be. Still, I get worn out very quickly now doing things I used to do all day, like heavy gardening, etc. I also weigh about 93 lbs. and am 5'3"...I should be at least 7-10 lbs. heavier for my very petite frame. I am mentioning all this because we were talking over dinner tonight and hubby said maybe we can go skiing in the time he has off between jobs, about 2 weeks from now or even next week. I have skied maybe 2 or 3 times in the past 10 years, and I get exhausted enough right now just walking around the block. Then he says maybe we can take snowboarding lessons with our daughter (I've never tried it but want to sometime, when I am much stronger and healthier). He couldn't figure out why I looked at him like he was nuts. Yet on the other token he comments how sickly and skeletal I look (and I really do...honestly, I'd rather have his bluntness than have him lie). He just doesn't get it at all.

    At least he has accepted that I am miserable about the move and nothing he can say or do will make me happy or more supportive of it. I don't know where things will end up...we have movers scheduled to pack us 1/31 and we're trying to get the house ready to list in a week, yet we still have piles of things to go through, he's still refinishing our pool and has other outside projects to finish up, and I have a good few days at the least of gardening/planting/yard work. It doesn't all have to get done before we list the house, but we want as much to as possible, as we want to have it look as nice and "turnkey" as it can. I predicted today that I can easily see us still trying to finish up projects the day before the movers come, and he gave me the "you are so pessimistic" speech. Yes, maybe, but someone has to be in this relationship, as he seems to be so off on his estimates for things, everything from how long it will take him to do the pool to how much rent should be.

    Well, I am exhausted and I need to crawl into bed. I'm just waiting for our sheets to dry...I had forgotten as usual about the wash so they are taking longer. At least my room will be somewhat clean now...the whole house is such a pit, and all the dust, etc. is setting off my allergies. In many ways I do wish I could just leave, but our daughter needs so much love and support from both of us, and I really can't fend for myself in any decent way at the moment. Honestly, I doubt things would be better, and I am so sensitive to stress that divorce is the last thing I need. Still, though...I am so miserable I don't know what to do. My husband was practically in tears the other day, though, and keeps imploring about how much he loves me. But then he gets on me about how I don't do this, don't do that...he needs more than I can give. I say yeah, get in you think I am even giving myself anything right now???

    Hope everyone else is having a better week. Thanks again for listening, and sorry I ramble so.
  8. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Oh, and I am keeping my doctor, even if I have to drive 100 miles down the freeway to see him. I searched too long for good medical help, and he says I should be able to get by with visits maybe every 3 mo. We can do a lot over the phone or via e-mail, and he can mail me any supplements, etc. I can't get locally. He sees a lot of long-distance/out-of-town patients. So that is good.