Going out on my own

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Fairyeyes, Feb 20, 2003.

  1. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    Hi to everyone. Those of you who have read my posts on the board, may know by now that I am in a toxic relationship(spouse), and am awaiting results from a biopsy(appointment 02/21).

    During this past week, I have done a lot of quiet contemplation. I have decided that I am going to strike out on my own very soon here. I have not told spouse about my decision as yet, as it is only a week since the last confrontation, and I seriously don't want to push him over the edge. He has anger issues, and I am frightened of him.

    anyway, I am looking for advice from anyone who has gone thru this before.
    thank you.
  2. pamela

    pamela New Member

    I do feel for you and I too was in the SAME type of realtionship 14 years ago. I had to call my parents to come get me bcz I was afraid of my spouse too. He was so very angry but also a drinker and he was mental to!! Emotionally ill. He use to threaten me and chase me around the house and puch fists past me face into the wall. Your gut feelings always tell you the truth. Contact an atty if you can. Your going to need one I suspect. good luck...Pamela
  3. DebP

    DebP New Member

    I know that this is very frightening for you, as I have had to go thru the very same experience in my life. I put up with this for four long years before one night barely escaping with my life!! All I can say is be brave, know that it is something that you HAVE to do, and you will get over him in time. If it helps you to do it with more ease, by all means have someone there with you when you go, or do your best to get out when hes at work or not at home, you can always go back later with someone with you to get your things. The longer you stay, the more of a chance there is that you will be hurt, or worse. It also definitely makes the symptoms of your disease much worse and causes irreversible damage emotionally and physically. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers, please stay in touch and let us know you are OK.
    Soft Hugs,
    DebP

    Remember, be bravee!!! And Good Luck!!!
  4. debbiem31

    debbiem31 New Member

    Your post really scared me when I read it. A few years ago, I was in a bad marriage. My ex had a lot of anger issues. He was emotionally and physically abusive. When I finally got the courage to leave him, it just made him worse. He found out where I was staying, came there and tried to take our car (which he didn't need but I did). He beat me against the steering wheel. He pulled alot of my hair out. I really can't recall how I got him to leave that night.

    He would tell me that he loved me and didn't want me to divorce him. But we never got along. I just couldn't make him understand... I was severly underweight from depression when I was with him at the end. I was so unhappy, but he thought we should stay together. He was very dependant on me (or anyone for that matter). I was his fourth wife, and I believe that he has married again. I feel sorry for her... I think that my relationship and ensuing divorce with him is what brought out my FMS.

    Just please be careful. Make a plan. Save money to get your own place. Make sure you have your own vehicle. And most important, make sure that he can't find out where you go. If you have to (I did eventually), get a restraining order against him. I'm sure you'll need to do this, because he knows where you work. My ex went so far as to wait for me in the parking lot at work and follow me to my place. That's how he found out where I was staying.

    Do you have any friends or family locally? Is there anyone that can help you? I typed up my own divorce papers and did all the work, so that my divorce wasn't as costly. The lawyer picked up after that and it cost a fraction of the normal divorce proceedings.

    I can't stress enough, please be careful. Men with bad tempers are very dangerous. If you'd like, you can email me. I will post my email addy, and when you've replied and gotten my addy, I'll remove it from the post. I'm very afraid for you, and you'll be in my thoughts....
    LOL,
    Debbie
    [This Message was Edited on 02/21/2003]
  5. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    I was going to suggest what Debbie posted about having a plan, etc. I really think that's your safest option.

    Good luck.

    Karen
  6. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    thanks evryone. I know this is not going to be simple, and I will be using your advice. I am sorry any of you had to go thru this sort of thing. It is miserable. blessed be-
    fairyeyes
  7. phenom

    phenom New Member

    hi fairyeyes, i'm sorry you have to go through all this. i'm not sure how the police work in the US (i'm in australia) but sometimes if you call them out they can take a long time thinking "oh its just another domestic argument" not realising it could be life-threatening. when i was in a similar situation (it was my dad) i called the police and fore-warned them - telling them that i was going to tell my dad that night that i was moving out because of his abusiveness so that if i called, they would know it was legitimate and serious. i didn't need to call in the end....but it was nice to know that they were ready for MY call. hope everything works out for you real soon.

    phenom
  8. hideycat

    hideycat New Member

    I wish you well.

    Get together everything you can ahead of time. Cash, credit cards, id.

    Be sure to get credit cards in your own name. And cancel, if you can, any with joint names. If your name is on any and he runs them up and doesn't pay - you are first in line for collection. Likewise get your name off joint bank accounts - if possible.

    If you haven't filed your taxes yet - do not file joint.

    You'll make it - it just takes time.
  9. hideycat

    hideycat New Member

    Thre are lots of agencies that are willing to help. Can find in the yellow pages or on the net. Even free legal help. But you don't get help unless you ask for it. SO ASK!!!
  10. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I'm glad for you that you have made the choice to be safe. I am sure there must be Women's Crisis Centers in your area. I think they help in abusive situations to help you keep and stay safe until you find a permanent place to live. If nothing else, staying in a group like that might be safer for you too. I commend you for being brave enough and independent enough to leave instead of staying and taking the abuse. Sometimes it is just too frightening to leave and then you feel like you are trapped. I wish you all the luck in the world, please stay safe.

    Dara
  11. Kathryn

    Kathryn New Member

    All I can add is to not settle for 1/2 of a bank account - clean it out! You have more than earned it by being his sparring partner. Let the court sort it out later. If you have your own car, find a friend with a garage and lock it up for awhile. If you have to, rent a storage unit that it will fit in. Take the bus to and from work. You do not need to have the car vandalized, or followed to where you are staying. Gather as much as possible and sneak it out of the house to a safe place, but only if it is something that he will not notice is missing. If he should notice, be ready with an answer "I dropped it", "My sister always did want that and I never really liked it that much anyway", "I put it someplace where it wouldn't get lost,and now I can't remember where it is". Just anything to allay his suspicions. Try to catch him in a good mood and invite him out - for a date after you plan to be long gone. There will probably be a singer or movie or something coming up that he would be interested in. Your treat because "We've been getting along so good lately" or whatever you think he'll swallow. Be creative. After all, you won't be going. Recruit help for the big move, but only those that you know will not spill the beans. You might also want to notify the local precinct so they can have the district car cruise by at regular intervals. Believe me, they do know and understand domestics. Plan on taking everything in one day. He will probably destroy anything that you leave behind. If you have a good relationship with your employer, tell him/her what is going on. Odds are, they already have strong suspicions. See if you can get a couple days off following "Moving Day". If the boss is a really good one, you might get him to tell your future ex that you quit and said you were moving to another state. If the boss isn't that kind, maybe the receptionist will become an ally. I spent three years in an "armed truce" before I had guts enough to leave my ex. I bought a gun and he stopped beating me. When I learned that he had dropped a woman from a 5th floor window for wanting to end their relationship, I suddenly had enough incentive to leave. This kind of vermin never changes. Get out just as soon as you can safely do it. The longer you stay, the more likely it is that he will kill or permanently cripple you. My email is on my profile if you need a strong shoulder.
    Kathryn
  12. LynneH

    LynneH New Member

    ...and stick to it! I know what you are going through, as my first marriage was like that. Once you make the decision, never ever go back. If you have to, get a restraining order. Of course that doesn't stop anything from happening, but if he has any contact with you, call the police. They will arrest him. Contact your local woman's shelter...they can guide you and hide you if necessary. This is a time to be strong and confident. You deserve better! Keep that thought in your head constantly...you can do it!!!!!!
    LynneH
  13. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    I met my x when I was only 17,I look back now and he was`nt good for me from day 1. A toxic relationship will only make you toxic. If we are not enough already. Alot of good advice has been posted,get as much cash as you can now and don`t feel guilty you will need it for all the damage he probably caused you. I did not do that or did I have much support, family was miles away and friends got scared about their own safety. Watch your car I left mine at a repair shop they left it out and my car was tampered with,enough so it I lost a brand new vehicle,could have caused a terrible accident with all he did. I was stalked for yrs. but a restraining order was of no value because I lived in a house in the woods by the time the cops got there,he was long gone plus it makes unstable people even more angry. So you will have to decide if that piece of paper will help your situation. I won`t bore you with my story it was yrs. of stalking & stories. I am sure that put my fm over the top. So my advice is prepare,get as much support a place to run if need be. It is still worth it my x was mentally ill from what drs. said. So every situation is different. Get as much as you can because your ill and this will not help until you get past all this. No matter what it will take alot of strength but if you live with this dd you have to have it. Do not call him once you have left they consider that an invitation,any cop will tell you that. You may want to call but don`t, call a friend. I did have all my finanaces in order just did not take enough, did not know what I had at that time and there was no cure. That doe`s become a important issue to survive.It won`t be easy but do watch your back and warn whoever you can of the situation or get community support. Keep a daily journel. My heart is with you but in the long run the peace of mind will be worth it. Bless you and give you the power to do what you have to......Keep us informed!
  14. KarenL47520

    KarenL47520 New Member

    I grew up in a "toxic" home, extreme abuse from step-dad, then went on to have 2 abusive marriages, more "toxin" added to my already severely damaged system. I now have a great husband, you gotta kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince.

    But please take this seriously............the MOST dangerous time for a woman when she is in an abusive relationship is the moment you try to leave. They will stop at nothing to keep you in that relationship and that includes killing you. Not trying to scare you but I had a close friend that this is exactly what happened to her. She carefully and quietly made her escape plan and she had no idea he knew and he confronted her, shot and killed her, shot and killed their 6-year-old daughter and then himself.

    You have made your decision to leave, that is your first step and the hardest. Now start your plan. But you have to play him along, pretend everything is fine, grit your teeth and cook him a good meal, if this man is violent you don't want to do anything to cause the lid to boil over until you are safely away from him. Lie to him, do whatever you have to do in order to keep him calm until you can get out of there. If you have to, have one more rip-roaring-time in bed, that generally puts em in a good mood at least for a little while......... lol lol

    Start making a list of things you will need, like the others said, your birth certificate, important papers. And if you have a car that is in his name and he tries to tell you if you take it he will have you locked up for stealing his vehicle, that is bull, mine tried the same thing. The attorney told me even though the vehicle was in just his name, we were married and that made it community property. Go to a women's battered shelter if you have to. They got some really tough ladies running those places and they will protect you.

    And as soon as you are out, do NOT just get a restraining order, get an EPO which is an Emergency Order of Protection. He cannot come near you, cannot contact you in any form or fashion. EPOs carry a lot more weight in a court than just a restraining order. A man who violates an EPO will do time, not just a slap on the wrist with a restraining order.

    Good luck and God be with you.

    Karen
    [This Message was Edited on 02/21/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 02/21/2003]