Got good advice on Husbands here

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by shar6710, Sep 11, 2006.

  1. shar6710

    shar6710 New Member

    I read some advice here and I wish I could give them credit but I did a search and couldn't find it again.

    Anyway in response to someone who was having problems this person said something about being nothing but loving and non-critical towards your husband for 30 days.

    Now I can be a bit of a shrew, and a nag. I'm very bad about criticizing my hubby for not doing things the way I think they should be done. I've tried to stop this before but always failed.

    This time I really committed myself. I just tried it over the weekend, and I began to see results amazingly fast. I know my husband is a great guy, that's why I married him so many years ago. But he's never been a very good nurse.

    I was in bed for most of the weekend, only getting up because I hurt so much that I was more comfortable sitting up for awhile. And my husband; who in the past, I literally had to call on his cell phone when he was in the living room to ask him to bring me something to eat; fixed my meals and refreshed my drink without being asked to! He would stick his head in just to ask if I needed anything!

    Not only that but yesterday he did the shopping, laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, mowed the lawn and since a friend is passing through next week, cleaned out our disaster of a guest room, vacummed and I think he even dusted!

    He only snapped at me once all weekend, and instead of snapping back I kind of made a joke. It was so nice not to fight about anything all weekend.

    So to whoever posted that advice you have my heartfelt thanks.

    I know this is getting long but I think sometimes we forget that chronic illness effects our whole family. I am not the woman my husband married. He may not be sick but this is stressful to him too. We wonder why they can't understand how we feel. But how could they? Unless you've gone through it yourself there's really no way to know.

    Now I know that there are people married to total jerks out there and this might not work for them. But if you find yourself fighting all the time with someone you love, give this a try.

    Best Wishes to All,
    Shar
  2. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    The advice came from a Christian psychologist that I heard on the radio one evening while driving. It made sense to me...although, I've never personally had enough decency to see it through for 30 day!

    I think the idea is not just to be civil, but to "shower" the spouse with unconditional love!!! You know what, that would work with just about anybody...doesn't have to be a spouse! Could be an enemy...something to think about!

    Shar - I'm glad you had such a great response from your hubby! He must have felt great love from you!

    TerryS
  3. shar6710

    shar6710 New Member

    I'm glad you saw my post, I really can't thank you enough.

    I don't know if I "showered" him with love because I felt so sick. But you know once I had that mind set I felt different, more loving maybe, and I'm sure he sensed that.

    An added benefit is that I FELT BETTER. Not physically but mentally and now today I am out of bed. I think the lack of tension between us and therefore the less stress I had this weekend has helped me start to recover from this latest crash.

    OT:you have an adorable furry baby!

    Thanks Again,
    Shar
  4. Bren2135

    Bren2135 New Member

    ... I'm glad you re-shared those words of wisdom, Shar! It would be so easy for us to displace our daily frustrations, onto the people we love most -- and not even realize that it could create hostility.

    I'm recently married (one year) to a wonderful guy who has never once been unkind, or impatient with me, about the challenges we face because of my illness. He has never been anything but supportive and loving.

    Even still, I have to remind myself that this is no one's fault, not mine, not his. It wouldn't be fair to treat him less than kind, just because I'm feeling awful. And, how would that make him feel about me? Would this marriage last, long term? Could he continue to be supportive and loving, if I was critical or ungrateful?

    Who would it serve, for me to wound him, or expect him to enter into my misery with me?

    No one.

    This takes real work... and it's a journey. Chronic illness makes us reach way down, into the deepest parts of our soul. We face our worst fears, and live in uncertainty - and along the way, we can discover our strength.

    (I happen to think we are some of the strongest, most courageous people on the planet!!)

    Hugs,
    Brenda



  5. Redwillow

    Redwillow New Member

    Shari wonderful message about how we treat our loved ones!

    This DD affects our family too. My husband of 29 years is wonderful but he misses the woman who used to be able to go hiking and canoeing with him. He told my rheumatologist that he can never plan anything because he never knows how I am going to be feeling from one day to the next.

    Our emotions do affect how we feel. I am not saying that you have to always be upbeat and positive. Nobody can always be like that but having less tension in the house is almost like having a vacation. Everyone feels better!

    thanks for the positive thoughts!

    hugs Marion (Redwillow)



  6. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    Thanks for the comment on my "furry baby"!!! He's wild, grabs my ankles and tries to herd me around the house, jumps up in my face all the time, sheds all over the house, BUT I JUST LOVE HIM!!! He brings me great joy and gives me unconditional love! (Isn't that really why we LOVE dogs!!!).

    I also have a beautiful Persian cat who is awesome and easy maintenance, as well as a tiny little Yorkshire Terrier that is soooo sweet but pee-pees all over the place! (We keep him confined to the kitchen).

    Now, if I could just treat my HUBBY as well as I do my furry friends!!!

    TerryS
  7. shar6710

    shar6710 New Member

    I know what you mean-we have a 6 month old Weimaraner pup. My mother thought I was nuts (our 12 yr old terrier mix had died)being as sick as was and trying to raise a puppy. We purposely got an older pup so she would have some bladder control and hoped that she could drain most of her energy playing with our other 2 dogs. It has worked out very well and she loves to cuddle with me when she's finally tired.

    I posted a doctored up pic of her on my profile.

    Give your pup a kiss,
    Shar
  8. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    Your BABY is beautiful and adorable! I've always admired the Weimaraners (don't know if I managed to spell that right!)

    My Satchimo wears me out! It takes all the energy I can muster to tend to him...to heck with my job!

    Talk to you later!
    TerryS
  9. ANNXYZ

    ANNXYZ New Member

    Attention, affection and affirmation. If we love our families we will WANT to keep them well supplied with the right nutrients emotionally .

    We have to decide to use our words to build others up and never TEAR them down , even when criticism is needed .

    There is NOTHING more important than communicating to our loved ones that they are valued and cherished .

    I had a single man tell me once that " criticism is the death of a man " .

    Call me old fashioned or corny , but men need to feel respected and they need positive verbal reinforcement , or validation , just as little children do .

    I am happy to hear that you are having great results . You will benefit from having a husband who feels
    loved and valued !
  10. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    I like reading this thread . I have a very careing hubby and I know he does put up with alot and never complanes
  11. shar6710

    shar6710 New Member

    Although this is a serious post I had to laugh when you kind of compared men to children. I always knew I wouldn't make a good mother so I never had children of my own. Since they both need to be treated the same maybe that's the root of my problem.

    Seriously, I don't want any of you to think my husband is a jerk or has been unsupportive (although he is the worst nurse). He is a wonderful guy and that's why it was important for me to try this.

    Thanks for all your replies,
    Shar