got to get this off my chest

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lynncats, Aug 8, 2010.

  1. lynncats

    lynncats New Member

    not sure how to DH is freaking me out. Marrieed 25 years. For the beginning of my illness, it was, it's all in your head (4 years of this). After he heard the rheumy say it is FM. He sorta begin to believe me.

    Anyway, I was approved for disabiliy, and now he messes with me, about, evreything.. "you sleep too late", you stay up too late, you don't do the laundry enough, etc. I'm sorry ya'll this is not my thing to whine but I feel like I'm gonna "clobber him". Sorta scary. I just had to get this off my chest!

    And for those of you that know my "son story", he blames that on me too.
  2. Tizz

    Tizz New Member

    ...Sounds familiar...

  3. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    I've been married 25 yrs too. Even thru the worst of my crash/flares, he doesn't seem to have one ounce of sympathy (or any kind of supportive, loving attitude). I've been in bed for over a week due to severe fatigue etc, and he has not so much as brought me a glass of water! I could die up here and he'd never know it until he found my lifeless body lying next to him when he finally comes upstairs to go to bed.

    Not one mention of, "here, let me help you, I'll take you to the dr), whatever!!! He is out of a job right now, for 3 wks so far, and he hasn't done a thing to help me w the housework etc. He did do his own laundry once, but nobody else's!

    It's like he ignores the situation and thinks I'll "snap out of it" (I HATE that phrase). I rarely ask him for anything because he hates being asked! He's admitted that to my face...something that came from a bossy mother that he still despises. I don't get it, and it really really hurts my feelings...and makes me lose respect for him a little more everytime he chooses to act like there is nothing wrong w me!

    Some people will just never understand...and I'm married to one stubborn example. I've been sick for 14 yrs and have had very little support and understanding from my dh.

    The sad thing is that I know that I could never support myself on my own, so I guess I'm stuck here. I don't foresee any changes happening any time soon.
  4. Tizz

    Tizz New Member

    I'm so sorry about the situation you are in. My hubby isn't that bad but he would never bring me a glass of water without being asked!

    He will open doors for other women - but not for me! - even though I walk with a limp and lose my balance a lot, sometimes falling. If we go shopping, he expects ME to bring in most of the groceries - especially the heavy stuff - and then put everything away into the fridge. I gave him a book to read about Fibro right after I was diagnosed. I only asked him to read the stuff I'd highlighted, stuff that I thought probably applied to me. It took 4 days for him to "get around to it" but he did read it. I tried to talk with him afterward, but he said there was nothing to talk about.

    I think my hubby chooses to believe that nothing is wrong, nothing is happening, and I'm just "exaggerating" everything. I think he's CHOOSING not to understand... I sure hope he will come around, once he thinks about it for a while ...because I'm no hypochondriac, and I'm NOT "exaggerating"!

    [This Message was Edited on 08/10/2010]
  5. casch

    casch New Member

    Sounds very familiar! After all, we look fine, don't we? Mine is the same way. No real solution I fear. "Talking" doesn't help.
  6. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    My husband is the same way! He has never read ANYTHING about FM. He never does anything sympathetic, like rubbing my back or verbally expressing anything compassion. He does bring me a plate of food if he cooks but other than that, I would die of dehydration or starvation.

    I have to do all the laundry for a family of 6....with a chronic bedwetter and an adult child with a sever disability......i carry baskets of laundry up the stairs....over and over....i have to do 4-6 loads of laundry daily IF i want to keep up.....and I can't physically keep up with it....he will start to complain if the baskets start to pile up in our room.....i am exhausted by the time I get the laundry done and up the stairs and folding it has to wait.....and then, putting it away has to wait....

    Another thing that makes me crazy is it seems like he wants to keep my disease a secret so he doesn't tell other people about it....or much about is very one ever offers to help us out with anything because lots of people don't realize how this complicates our lives.....because hubby won't talk about it.....or me......

    i think that they are feeling angry and hateful about the FM ....they know they can't blame they fester in their anger and never share it or vent they just feel privately resentful.....i can't blame him for feeling that way.....he was totally ripped off, too! A wife that is no fun and can't hold a job....nice.....and he has to do the shopping and the cooking....and driving the kids around.....

    the worst part it, i lost my friends over this, and i really could use a friend.....I wish he cared....and felt the urge to be is really desolate living this way....

    the kids don't get it no matter how many times I plead for them to stop throwing their mostly clean clothes in the wash because they are too lazy to put them back in the drawers.....and please, please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher....or just please get them off the living room floor?

    no support, no matter which direction you look......
  7. msgirl67

    msgirl67 New Member

    I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I've been married for 20 years and my husband is just now starting to learn about fb with me. I have been diagnosed recently, but have been in pain for a long time. My biggest fight has always been about sex. I'm always to tired and exhausted to even think about it most nights. I just want to go lay down and be left alone. I sometimes cringe when it's time to go to bed. He is just now starting to realize that it has something to do with a disorder. He went to the pain doc with me yesterday and was able to listen to my NP in regards to what I'm going through. I think that he just didn't understand and was unfamiliar with this disorder. I'm hoping that it gets better. He's always been understanding for most things, but I sometimes wonder how long will it last? I love him - just don't want to be looked at like someone that's a burden. I try my best to keep my life as normal as possible and know that I need to work hard at it....but he also needs to learn and understand the pain and discomfort that I am in. I hope things get better for you and that he begins to understand. Good luck!
  8. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    He just seems to have some problems regarding dealing w sick people! He doesn't have any nurturing abilities as far as sickness goes w anyone in the family, even the kids. I know for a fact that his mother, who worked full time, and had 8 kids (2 hers, 6 stepchildren) pretty much neglected her kids because she was so busy and had to go to work. She made them go to school unless they were practically on their death bed! And if they did stay home sick, they were home alone...

    My parents on the other hand, took great care of us when we were sick, and made us stay home and in bed until we were well. It was actually a treat in a way to be sick cuz we got special things like popsicles. My mom was a SAHM, so that was her job, to take care of us. She was always there for us. MIL was too busy to mother all of those kids and be a full time teacher, and her dh was in the Air Force and gone a lot. Not easy.

    Anyway, all of us seem to have similar issues. Sorry to say (don't mean to offend any guys here) but I think men's brains are often wired differently in the nurturing and housekeeping depts. Most of the men I know are pretty much the same in these areas. My dh will eventually do something for me if I ask him, but I can always tell when he resents me asking. Not everytime, but too many times IMO.

    My sister always says that she would have to be lying on the floor, bleeding out of every orifice before her dh would notice she was sick. She cracks me up! She says her tombstone will read:


    Perfect, I may use that one myself:)

    OK, and the sex topic is a frequent guilt trip for me too. What is a libido anyway? Mine disappeared when I had babies, it just doesn't fall at the top of my "to do" list anymore, it actually never did. Thanks to being raised by an old school mom and dad who constantly told us that sex was "bad", don't bother coming home if you get pregnant before you're married, and the classic "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"...gee, I feel sexy just thinking about all of those comments that were drilled into all 4 of us (all girls).

    Sex is fun once we get started, but there is pain and I no longer feel attractive (old, wrinkled and fat) I hardly ever initiate anything anymore, it's really sad. I do try to make an effort, but sometimes we have some long dry spells (probably 6wks right now without any)

    I'm not comfortable w my body as it is now. My dh never ever says anything about my evolving physique...his has done it's own evolution too over the past 25 yrs!! But I still love him very much.

    I feel kind of bad about bashing him on my previous post, but I was really feeling sick and resentful on that day. I can't blame him at all for being irritated when I get sick again and again...I am no fun to live with, no energy to go out and "play" anymore. I'm a recluse, a hermit, a homebody and I really don't mind it...I never was a big social butterfly or anything like that. But he's very social and energetic, likes to keep busy. DH really would be happier w someone closer to his energy level and w a better mood daily...I do feel bad for him in that respect. But he stays with me and tells me he loves me everyday...I have to give him a lot of credit, this is no fun for anyone in the family.

    So, it's another day in our lives dealing w these dds...we should all put our life stories together and write a book! That might help a lot of folks realize that they aren't alone in this crazy existence!

    Have a good day if you can, I have to take my puppy to the vet in a few minutes. :) H

    [This Message was Edited on 08/11/2010]
  9. Tizz

    Tizz New Member

    ...ROFLMAO! Maybe I'll use that one, too - it's perfect!

  10. msgirl67

    msgirl67 New Member

    I went back to my pain doc yesterday and my husband also had an appt. with the other doc (auto accd). I asked him to go back with me while he was waiting for his name to be called. When we were back in the room, he made the comment that he didn't know why I wanted him to come back with me. I told him that I thought he might want to know what was going on with me...just like I go with him to some of his appts. The truth is....I just wanted to be able to tell him...."I told you I was sick" I wanted him to hear it from my doc/NP that I really had these pains and I was just not making excuses when I really didn't feel good or want to go somewhere. It was kinda libertaing!! :eek:)
  11. Tizz

    Tizz New Member

    Wish I could try that... my hubby works during the day when I'm at the doc's!