grief is so draining

Discussion in 'Comfort, Grief and Advice' started by muffles, Nov 14, 2009.

  1. muffles

    muffles New Member

    I'm new here so I guess I should explain where I am coming from.

    My husband and I raised our granddaughter from the time she was born until our daughter married when she was 4. We were very close and she was Papa's Girl. I worked when our own daughter was that age so I really got into the grandma stuff and we had a glorious time.

    After the wedding, we started noticing that our new son in law wanted our granddaughter and daughter all to himself. He moved them out of the area stating at the time that we had too much influence over our daughter and they needed to be a family. Eventually, after several moves, they moved back to this area because of finances. I was overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with daughter and granddaughter but we always seemed to be left out. No invites for birthdays. Too busy to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving, etc.

    Within the first two years of their marriage, he had alienated not only my parents but my husband's parents as well and all of the aunts, uncles, cousins. No one cared for him and they generally describe him as "a bully" especially with children.

    I was finally able to talk my daughter into allowing our granddaughter to spend the night with us after Christmas last year during the winter break. Our granddaughter confided in me something so horrifying that I immediately called my husband downstairs to hear what she said and we called our daughter to come over pronto to explain. She insisted it was not true and couldn't be true. When they left, I called the mental health hotline and explained the situation, telling them that our granddaughter had no medical coverage and was there a way that my husband and I could pay for counselling for her. One thing led to another and it ended up being reported to CPS who turned it over to the local sheriff's department.

    To make a long story short... our son in law was arrested, our granddaughter came to live with us since she could not be in the same household with him while awaiting trial. Two days before the trial (which was scheduled for July 7), he made a deal for a lesser charge of 4th degree assault and avoided the trial which we had all been subpeonaed (sp?) for. He was given a fine. As soon as he returned home, he told me I would never see my granddaughter again. I have not seen or talked to either my daughter or granddaughter since and according to what he told my mother 3 nights ago, I never will as long as he is alive. He also told her that the only reason I turned him in is because I wanted to stop his adopting our granddaughter and I had cost him a lot of money in lawyer fees. None of us was even aware that he WAS in the process of adopting her. He would never have let us know this because he wouldn't have wanted us to know till after it was all finished.

    I have been crying and thinking about this whole situation since July. There is not a day goes by that I don't make myself sick crying. I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I wake up thinking about it. I am already on paxil and diazepam for depression before this started because of health problems including diabetes and IBS and liver and kidney disease. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get my diabetes under control now. The doctor says it is emotional stress that is doing it.

    I feel like I am a bad mother. How could I not be? My daughter doesn't love me anymore and has no desire to speak with me or see me. Sometimes I think maybe she never did. I just don't know anymore. I have all these self doubts. I know my granddaughter loves me still. She made a card for grandparents day and my daughter called my son and asked him to tell my husband to come over for a surprise that our granddaughter had for him. When he got there, she handed him the card, which was made out to him only. Our granddaughter leaned over and whispered that it was for me too. At her little brother's 3rd birthday party, she sent a message to me that she loved me through my mother in law. She will be 8 years old in January. She is old enough to remember me and she must be wondering what is happening to her family. She must be in great turmoil. I worry about her safety but my sister in law says that our son in law would never dare to lay another finger on the child and that I should take comfort in the fact I probably saved her life.

    Sometimes, I think it is worse than if they had died because I know that they are alive and within walking distance and there are so many reminders each and every day. But this crying and depression has got to stop. It's destroying my health. I wish there was a pill you could take to just forget. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. It's got to stop. The heartache is just too much. I get to feeling very guilty, too, because sometimes I pray he would die.

    I just want to be happy just one day. Even just part of a day.
  2. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I am so sorry for all that has happened. BUT I AM SO GLAD YOU STEPPED UP AND YOUR SON-IN -LAW WAS CHARGED. THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I am hoping that under that program that the schools are watching over your granddaughter and that there is some probation and that CPS is also setting up regular visits. He may have pleaded down, but he still committed whatever act that had him charged and he was removed from the home for a while. So he knows well that if he happens again, he could face prison.

    You are not a bad mother. Your son-in -law is an extremely controlling person which is why he separates the family from your daughter and she allows this to happen. As to your daughter, most would have taken their children and left their husbands when that husband had been hauled off to jail due to some illegal action involving their child. But your daughter didn't do this and in fact didn't believe it and took the view of decades ago that -- I see nothing and it doesn't happen in this family. You are not a bad mother, but your daughter is truly someone that I have serious doubts about and her doubting what her child was saying I believe makes her an even poorer mother.

    Your granddaughter is alive and apparently doing okay now and it is not worse than if she had died. She will grow up and return to you. Your daughter though will eventually get so controlled by this man that she will not think for herself, she will be unable to do anything without getting his permission and she will reach a point where she regrets being with him and wished she had left years ago. But she will probably never leave him and that is the burden that she will bear in life.

    You must pick yourself up and go on. You must get yourself into some therapy for the depression and grief this has caused because when it impacts your health, that's your sign you need some professional help. Know that your granddaughter will speak in school or elsewhere if your son-in-law starts again and she will grow to a point where she will leave and you will see her again. You must pick yourself up so that you are there and healthy for when your granddaughter reaches an age to come back to you. Please get into professional grief therapy and I think it can help you. Good luck and many hugs.


    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2009]
  3. lynncats

    lynncats New Member

    Your post touched me!! I loved your last sentence... I can relate. Take Care.

    LYNN
  4. KimberlyChic

    KimberlyChic New Member

    Having met my husband and his little boy and all the interfence from his Mother, I can relate to your daughter, and especially your son-in-law. They are trying to be a family, and though you may have helped your daughter when she needed you (was she living with you too?), it doesn't give you the right to your grand daughter. In the end it is the Children and her siblings that are shattered.

    My mother-in-law told me she would do whatever it takes to get what SHE wants.
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Posts that assume that this Mother/Grandmother compares to an interfering Mom/Grandmother isn't fair.

    There are many kids that truly need protection and if not for the other people could end up severly hurt both emotionally and physically for life.

    It is an utter shame when people shut out other people that the children truly love for their own benefit. Do people not ever consider the children???

    I do believe that Grandparents have rights. A court would decide if the grandparents are worthy. In this case the husband was the one who did the abuse, NOT the grandparents.
    To defend a son in law who obviously committed a crime against his stepdaughter is dispicable.

    You're right in the end, the children's lives are being shattered.....because they are being denied the love of the Grandparents.

    Your mother in law Kimberly, may be a totally different person with an agenda. It doesn't sound like this Grandma is like this at all. Sounds more like this Dad is going to do whatever it takes to get what HE wants.

    PS - Grandmother, you can fight for Grandparent's visitation if you need to. OR you can do as suggested, know that your Granddaughter will return to you. Keep records of what's going on, so there's no disputing that you've loved her and fought for her. You know that her stepdad will say the opposite.

    I don't get parents that deny their children as much love from as many people as possible.
  6. KimberlyChic

    KimberlyChic New Member

    When a step parent goes to adopt a child and all of a sudden a charge is brought against him I find it very convenient. The grand daughter most likely mentioned the adoption.


    If I am wrong about you interfering I apologize, but the attitude about it being easier if they were dead really offends me. [This Message was Edited on 06/09/2010]
  7. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    The stepfather, by taking the plea deal, freely PLED GUILTY and served time. That is an admission of guilt that he committed a criminal act against that minor child. THAT SAYS IT ALL. And it clearly disputes any idea that the charges were false or made up or brought to avoid an adoption. So that settles that part.

    As to when the charges were brought, that fully depended on the minor child having clear access to speak freely to another adult she trusted--this is often the case and her grandmother was a trusted person. So when the charges were brought has absolutely nothingat all to do with any adoption. It has to do with when the child can get to a person who will help and report.

    I believe in most states, if you become aware of abuse to a minor child (that includes either witnessing it or having a child tell you) and do not report it, you may be liable as an accessory to the abuse. So it was good that the grandparent called elsewhere and eventually it was reported to CPS and CPS got involved. I am very grateful that this minor kept telling until someone believed her and then they told and CPS got involved, the man pled guilty and served time. Case over.

    A long time ago, I worked in a law office and dealt with some cases involving children of molestation (not that this is what happened in the case we are discussing here). It is SO IMPORTANT that any abuse of children be reported and not held back to protect a potential adoption and that is inexcusable. The child takes priority and it is very true that the stepfather will likely never cause harm to the child again because he would probably go away for life in today's climate of public hatred of child abusers. Thank God for that.
  8. buzybeee

    buzybeee New Member

    Just want you to know that I hope one day things will be right again.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/28/2011]
  9. caring4sd

    caring4sd Member

    Oh, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like your granddaughter really loves you and trusts you. She is young now, but when she is a little older and a little more independent, she will be back in your life. You have built a foundation of love and security with her, and she will remember that always. Try to keep the faith.
  10. Rellla

    Rellla New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear of your concerns in regard to your grandchild. Sadly, there is just too much of this these days. Having been on a similar situation with an in-law, all I can tell you is that the children do not forget.
    Some people are simply bullies who enjoy the ultimate control rush they get from negatively affecting the relationships between others. It is honestly sad to hear that your daughter & granddaughter have been essentially estranged from the entire family to appease the husband's ego. Joining in marriage is supposed to expand one's family group, not shrink it.
    I think you are justified in your concerns, but there is little you can do. I would make sure that your granddaughter's school is aware of your concerns (they will NOT be able to share ANYTHING with you, but they do have ears) and let them monitor the child through the school. That way, you are out of the line of fire should they notice anything that they feel they must pursue with CPS.
    I think Kimberly (above) has gone through an experience that colors her opinion sharply in opposition to your predicament, not allowing her to fully appreciate a situation beyond what she has endured. I feel sorrow for her as well, as she has not experienced a solid loving family unit either.
    My thoughts are with you... Sadly, you will never be able to change your daughter's mind on this relationship. She needs to do it herself. And there is no telling when or if this will happen. :(
  11. I read your letter..and it tore every fiber of my being...What a heartless son-in-law...and I can see why you pray he would die...I don't know..and after reading this letter...I too wish he was dead...He sounds like a damn bully,Mr. It, thinking he can run the whole show...

    What I'd like to know..why hasn't your daughter put her foot down..and made him stop all of this behavior..It's not fair to you,or your granddaughter..she's in the middle of all of this damn craziness..

    And if things weren't bad..they system puts her back in the home of this monster..your son-in-law...It's so damn unfair...

    I will pray that the Good Lord intervenes in this situation...Listen,you may be suffering now..but know.."That what goes around,comes around"...I've been through it myself..with my ex-husband...and what he got back in return..was the punishment he spewed on me for 19 years..until he left almost 2 years ago...There's a God..Just don't take revenge...For the Lord your God states in the Bible,"Don't not take revenge my friends,for it is mine to avenge,and I will repay",I saw in the things my ex-husband did to me,that I did not deserve..but when it was all over and done with..he has had to pay the price of his actions..not of my doing,but by God Almighty's doing...I never took revenge,even though do it went through my mind millions of time,I never let it happen,I let time take its course,and put it solely into the hands of God,..cause I know there is a greater power than us on Earth...I can't tell you what happened,but he paid for what he did to me throughout the on-again-off-again 19th years of our relationship...So take it one day at a time..don't feel bad about crying..it is a great releaser...and it is healthy to cry...God is on your side..it may not happen,today,or tommorrow,but that son in law..will have to answer to a greater Authority for the unhappiness,heartbreak,distrust,etc..that he has cause you to go through...take it from..me..I was exactly in your same shoes,different situation..but..my husband has had to pay the ultimate price for the way he treated me...and now I walking tall and proud..and darling on top of the world..That's all I can say..leave it to the Lord...he will take care of selfish creep of a son-in-law..as far as your daughter..her time will come also...Just don't you beat up yourself......Pray everyday,without fail...ask God to help you with your depression...Get out,and meet with friends or go shopping,window shopping,whatever it takes to get you out of the house...and out of the down frame of mind..Continue taking your anti-depressant they will help...God conquers all...the meek will inherit the earth..and the torturers..they will pay a heavy price..Trust in the Lord will all of your heart..it will take time..but he is a just God..and you will be heard from the Lord..and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel...Please trust me..I have been through so much...I am a living proof...that God does answer prayers.. I am still here,standing tall,and alive by the Grace of God...

    I will keep you in prayers tonight...Muffles,don't you worry,you are in my prayers..cry all that you want...because sooner or later..son-in-law he will be crying in anguish for all that he's put you through..but in the mean...Lay it all on God..your creator..Because he helps us the meek and downtroden...You will succeed and come out right on top..Listen to me...I am testimony..and here I am...I trust God with all of being...We are not on this earth,of our own being..there is a being is supreme..who is responsible for man and all of creation...Just trust in him..not in your daughter,son-in-law,just him--GOD!!!..God will answer you...You will be fine and come out on top...

    God Bless you and your family...a Great Big Hug from me to YOU!!! Helena
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