Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by harmony21, Dec 31, 2007.

  1. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    My estranged brother turned up again this christmas slightly intoxicated wanting to visit at 1015pm..........

    He had msgd me at 830pm which I didnt receive until 930 and told him i was in bed already however he called in at 1015 anyway banging on the door saying wakey wakey, very rude

    I told him I wasnt well and needed to sleep and to come back another time, he didnt answer and went

    the next day however iam feeling guilty, why is that????

    am just so tired I cant be bothered with all this messing around with emotions, can YOU????

    angel hugs and blessing
  2. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    I think the guilt comes from wishing things were different and wondering if we did anything the make the matter worse.

    He might have spoiled your Christmas mood but please don't let him spoil 2008.

    If this was his way to reach out and end the estrangement, let him know that you are not open to reconciling on his terms, when he is drunk. If you feel you want to reconnect with him, do it slowly and on your terms. If he can't abide by that, that is just another reason why he is probably out of your life.

    You're right, you are ill, you are taking care of your husband. Unless he is there to be support and encouragement, don't spend one more minuter feeling guilt.

  3. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    Budmickl said it all. I have a similar situation as you only mine remains estranged thank goodness. I think it's much harder when they do what your brother did. You handled it well. I know the guilt can come in along with all the hurt and anger and frustration even when we do the right thing in these situations. It's unfair that you have to suffer because of his actions.

  4. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    and I will remain strong for myself first then my husband and my kids
    I must remember why he was out of my life, the trouble is old ways tend to come back and haunt us.....

    I feel intimidated by him, I did send a sms saying that my life now entailed early nights and careful preparation of everyday activities and even then nothing is guaranteed...

    thanks a bunch

    angel hugs and blessings
  5. Busyknitter2

    Busyknitter2 New Member

    I understand how you are feeling. It is hard not to feel guilty, but you should not.

    I have a very similar problem with my brother. He is an alcoholic and probably back into drugs. He lived with my Dad because he could afford no place of his own. He stole and hocked everything my Dad had that he could get any thing out of. He even stole checks out of my Dad's checkbook and cashed them. He went ot jail for 5 months for a DUI and not doing what he was suppose to with probation, etc.

    When he got out I thought he had changed. Daddy got sick and he called me to get him to the hospital he did not trust my brother to do so. While Daddy was in the hospital Momma's china disappeared. Daddy got out of the hospital for a week and started doing horrible. I went to the apartment and had to call 911. My brother was supposedly at work. Daddy passed away the next day.

    Daddy had a car he wanted my brother to have because he had no transportation. Daddy owed $600 on it. They stated calling me and I passed the messages on to my brother. He would make no arrangements so they repoed the car. It was every bodies fauld except his.

    I tried and tried to have a relationship with my brother. I could not get a hold of him around Thanksgiving. The day after he started leaving messages on my cell phone about I had did him wrong, I had s****** him over, never say I loved him again, it went on and on. Needless to say he was drunk. He called me the next day telling me how sorry he was, how he had a bad Thanksgiving, this was wrong and that was wrong. He even said that he told my nephew that he needed to drop out of college so he wouldn't have to pay support any longer.

    There are times when I feel guilty but I will no longer feel guilty that any of my brothers problems are mine.

    I am sorry that I went on. I do understand how you feel. You are so right you have to be strong for you and your family.

    God bless; Pam
  6. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    I can so feel and relate to your stories, I can feel the hurt, the sadnessand the strength that these emtions gave birth to from those that are just not on the same page

    yes you were right i come from European stock where the woman hasd to appease the male no matter what and that is how I was brought up to say nothing and make things OK!!!!!

    I have three sons and when they start to get aggresive i back off

    During the holidays my number 1son stole from us 3000.00 dollars so pam here i relate also and Elaine you may also have experienced this

    He is hooked on alcohol. like my brother, like my father, drugs and the pokies

    having poor health it worries me what will happen to my disabled husband with him in the house.....

    He always claims everything, my brother was the same AND I LET HIM!!! I am scared of him BUT this time when he said he would go I said yes I want him to go and to come back another day!!!! I do feel proud now as we have triumphed hey ladies????

    love and good health
  7. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    No, I can't handle this and neither should you. Your brother really should know better.

    If you are feeling bad give him a call and tell him you care, but are too sick to be up visiting at that time. It will make you feel better.

    I recently decided to stop being my brother's "enabler".

  8. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    yes I will remain strong my illness wont allow me to anything else really

    I cant be worried the way I used to take it or leave it, it doesnt mean though I dont get hurt......

    I used the mobile to say i cared, sms, it takes less energy then to confront and talk and told him i cared and was appreciative of his thoughts but my life had changed and am in bed by 730 and lots in the day, get used to it or not

    Thanks for the support though ladies its so much appreciated

    angel hugs and blessings
  9. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    I havnt heard from my brother and am too fatigued to be fussed yet another "friend" rang this afternoon and informed me her and her husband were coming around at round 730pm

    No thank you Iam having a bad day, I havnt had a shower been asleeep all day, no housework and my hair is sticking up all over!!!!!! She also has no clue

    Man oh man........

    angel hugs and thanks Elaine

  10. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    Elaine, I like how you handle those impromptu visits people try to inflict on you. Right on!

    We have to do this for ourselves. I've always been a big people pleaser but with these DDs I'm only causing myself more problems if I keep that up.

    Harmony, our family counselor told us not to let my brother in if he shows up to our homes intoxicated. It hasn't happened but i can imagine how hard it would be to do follow through with that. You did the right thing.

  11. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    although i have taken on board many of the quotations already in the past you have give me the confidence that I AM doing the right thing for myself and that others with this disease are also

    I am a wooz sometimes though and just dont open the door, and sicnce I have heaps of issues regarding deafness with my right ear, I sleep on my left and then I cant hear much!!!! LOL

    Thanks friends, you ARE my angels

    our higher being works in mysterious ways

  12. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    glad you could pass on those assertive tips to being good to our selves.....

  13. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    love n hugs
  14. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    Selective hearing is a useful thing!

    Elaine, your dad was very wise. I'm coming around to realizing what he was saying myself. I've read several posts by you about him and I'm impressed with his wisdom especially for how to live life with a chronic illness. You're lucky to have such a good person for a dad. ")

    What did your dad have btw?