Guilt

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by JaneG, Dec 10, 2002.

  1. JaneG

    JaneG New Member

    I apologize if there already is a post covering this but I'm new and was scrolling thru posts but am running out of energy - seems like my arms weigh a ton right now so please bear with me!!

    My husband just called on his work break to see if I was doing ok(last night was a brutal night) and we got talking about the parts we need to fix the dryer - only $70 - and guess what, we don't have it since I'm not working right now!!

    The dr. told me stress makes the fibro worse - so how do you cope with the guilt of being sick all the time, causing money problems cause you can't get up and work???

    We have no money for Christmas and I don't mean extras, I mean any money- my credit cards are maxed and the phone rings constantly with creditors!! My husband works every bit of overtime willingly, but is tired all the time and still supportive but I feel like I'm the cause of us slowly sinking deeper and deeper yet I don't seem to be able to do anything to help! He wants to take out a home equity loan - just got the house paid off earlier this year - but I'm not sure we can afford another payment right now. Just spend some time reading posts on other's money problems and suggested to him that we seek out a credit counselor but I know he's too proud to admit to someone that we've gotten so deep in debt.

    I know I can't go back to my old job - Home Care for elderly because it's too physical right now and they don't want to hear about "light duty" so I've been sending out resumes for office work but I am getting no responses - so that really boosts the old guilt higher - feel absolutely worthless and a burden to my husband!!!

    Bless you for letting me vent --- any suggestions?
  2. JaneG

    JaneG New Member

    I apologize if there already is a post covering this but I'm new and was scrolling thru posts but am running out of energy - seems like my arms weigh a ton right now so please bear with me!!

    My husband just called on his work break to see if I was doing ok(last night was a brutal night) and we got talking about the parts we need to fix the dryer - only $70 - and guess what, we don't have it since I'm not working right now!!

    The dr. told me stress makes the fibro worse - so how do you cope with the guilt of being sick all the time, causing money problems cause you can't get up and work???

    We have no money for Christmas and I don't mean extras, I mean any money- my credit cards are maxed and the phone rings constantly with creditors!! My husband works every bit of overtime willingly, but is tired all the time and still supportive but I feel like I'm the cause of us slowly sinking deeper and deeper yet I don't seem to be able to do anything to help! He wants to take out a home equity loan - just got the house paid off earlier this year - but I'm not sure we can afford another payment right now. Just spend some time reading posts on other's money problems and suggested to him that we seek out a credit counselor but I know he's too proud to admit to someone that we've gotten so deep in debt.

    I know I can't go back to my old job - Home Care for elderly because it's too physical right now and they don't want to hear about "light duty" so I've been sending out resumes for office work but I am getting no responses - so that really boosts the old guilt higher - feel absolutely worthless and a burden to my husband!!!

    Bless you for letting me vent --- any suggestions?
  3. sls1968

    sls1968 New Member

    You are NOT worthless or a burden. You are SICK!

    We are in the same situation here. I lost (quit) my job in September. I am looking for a part time job, that is all we need right now, but like you, I am not having much luck. My husband is very supportive, in fact, I didn't want to quit even after being crapped on so many times. He is the one who convinced me to do so.
    I have explained this all to the kids and we are going to celebrate Christmas just not on the usual scale. Instead of buying stuff for everyone, we are going to make inexpensive cookie trays and such. Thank goodness for my little helpers, because I couldn't do this alone!
    I do not own credit cards, but, I would think that if you could pay off all of them with a home equity loan, the interest rates would be more reasonable and you would only have one payment instead of several.
    Take care and remember you are neither worthless or a burden,
    Sonja
  4. kellym

    kellym New Member

    Jane, I'm so sorry you are going through this rough time. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't have much worldly advice, but if you are a Christian, I do. I have learned through this type of experience to completely and totally rely on God for everything. Despite our financial situation, he has ALWAYS paid every single bill, somehow. Its very difficult to trust Him like that, since His timing is different than ours, but it always works out when He is in control.

    I wish you the best of luck in your job search. Been there, too, and finally found a part-time office/administrative job that helps us squeak by.

    As far as your concern about a financial counselor, we tried Ameridebt, but they lost our file & it was a big mess, but a good friend of ours swears by them. And, I don't answer the phone anymore if I don't recognize the number. Its just too stressful to deal with creditors calling. But, I will tell you that it lifted a big weight off our shoulders when we closed our credit card accounts. They were (and still are) all maxed, some even over the limit, so what good were they going to do still open? Closing them just felt like a step in the right direction.

    I hope this reply helps you in some way, and I sincerely hope that your situation improves. It is very hard to be in it, especially for a long time.

    God bless,
    Kelly M
  5. 1Writer

    1Writer New Member

    When I got really sick (CFS), I couldn't work anymore, either, so my grown daughters and their families have taken turns living w/my husband and I off and on to help...Yes, it's not easy, but you do what you have to do to survive. I have 3 Great grown children and a Great husband who is building a new business (hopefully we'll be on our own again, soon)...and with a lot of faith in God and family we make it...barely, sometimes and we're still in debt, but we manage...maybe your sons could help...have you asked? Don't be ashamed...it's not your fault your sick. Hang in there...
    1Writer
  6. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Hi Jane, a belated welcome to our world to you! I must have missed your first post.

    You have already received some great advice to this post, all I can say is take it!

    Quit answering that phone, that is causing all the stress. Just send those sharks a payment, no matter how small each month, untill you make a decision on what you want to do to get them paid out. As long as you are making any amount of a payment they can not take legal action to you.

    As for feeling worthless, that is not true. You did not make yourself sick, it is not your fault that you cannot work.

    As someone else said, if you are a believer, then give it all to the Lord, He will help more than you could imagine, that is my main support, my faith.

    Have an important phone call, will get back to you!

    Again, welcome to the board.

    Shalom, Shirl

  7. Newswoman

    Newswoman New Member

    JaneG,

    I'm single, and I live in a city where I have no family. While I have good friends, it's not the same has having someone in your house everyday that you can convese with. Granted, I could move back home, but I would be in a worse financial situation there. Be thankful that you have a supportive husband. Some of us don't have anyone at all to lean on at all.

    Take a look at the fms and divorce thread. Some fibro patients are dealing with total jerks who have no sense of decency. It's hard to see what's good with some much bad going on, but try to focus on the postitives.
  8. JaneG

    JaneG New Member

    for your supportive advice and mostly just letting me !!Had a long, tearful discussion with my husband last night and he has assured me that we will get through this (I really already knew that but I guess I just needed to hear someone else say it!)

    I tried to do some of my exercises yesterday and while I don't seem to be able to do many, I at least moved alittle more and yes, I do say prayers constantly for help from above. My Mom had breast cancer for years(26) and lived a pretty full life until the last two years and she never complained so I guess that sometimes I feel like I'm letting her down by being such a crybaby!!!

    Mom left us 4 years ago and Christmas was her favorite time and I still miss her so much - think that adds to my depression, especially now.

    But you all are right - I do have alot to be thankful for and today I got up in a positive frame of mind and I will trudge on - one day at a time. Thanks much!!
  9. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    Can't add much to what everyone has said, except to say I empathise, and vent anytime!---we all need to do that from time to time. Just a note on the credit counseling---while I understand your husband's reluctance to seek help, I think that getting credit support may be a very helpful, empowering thing for you to do right now---kind of taking the bull by the horns & slowly working toward getting back in charge of your finances again. At least the added stress of creditors calling would be eased. Just a thought...you are not alone, Jane, & don't feel guilty---you are doing the best you can against the incredible odds of this illness!

    Hugs,
    Pam
  10. 1Writer

    1Writer New Member

    I'm glad to hear that your attitude has improved and that we could be of some help...anytime you need a lift, just knock on our doors...we'll be there! Happy Day!
    1Writer
  11. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    I am big on guilt, very tired right now, can't sit much longer at the computer but bumping this, this is a really serious subject for myself and a lot of others.

    I have no idea how we are supposed to heal with the constant anguish over the financial loss, I am dealing with it too and I just find it so hard, not that I want anything, just the basics. We are having to live on just my hubby's income and bless his heart, I love him so and I would never throw it in his face but he just does not earn much and changing jobs for him is not really an option as he has serious heart problems and at 40 he is lucky to be here so rocking the boat with our ins would be a catastrophe. I honestly think if I could just get our home taken care of and know we would be ok that I would not hurt nearly as much, I know the constant fretting is making it worse. I pray a lot and try to distract myself with doing housework, craft things right now for xmas, anything to keep myself busy as long as I can each day which is only 3-4 hours then I am beat.

    Jaci
  12. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Please don't apologize for asking a question that may have been covered. Each person needs their own personal answer to their questions, especially when it comes to the emotional issues in these disorders.
    Stress is such an enemy of FM/CFS. Each day filled with stress seems to catapult us into MANY days of feeling more ill. As was suggested use your caller ID. Make a payments of a few dollars. Pick two or three days out of the month to deal with bills, and then it's imperative to let them go for the remaining days. I have to tell myself--today is NOT the day I am dealing with that particular problem.
    Guilt--you have to let go of that too....you need to concentrate on all the positive things you can do, to feel better. The purpose of guilt as an emotion is to act as a catalyst for change. Guilt is only valid if we have done something wrong--and then use that feeling for improvement.
    So guilt doesn't apply here. You have nothing to feel guilty for....Let it go.
    Hope to hear more from you!
    Karen
  13. JaneG

    JaneG New Member

    I started yesterday off in a positive mood - got up dressed, drove to the hospital to have the cervical spine x-rays that my rheumo dr. ordered - thought I was doing pretty good until the receptionist said " oh, your face looks like you're really in pain!"

    Okay, so I smiled and went to the x-ray department where the technican started moving my neck this way and that way- none too gently - so I finally spoke up and told her I had considerable pain in my neck and shoulders and would gladly move my neck myself if she'd just tell me which way! I said it nicely and low and behold, she apologized and things went much better.

    Had to stop at the bank and grocery store before I could go home and let me tell you, by the time I drove home, my arms felt like lead, my headache(which never goes away) was so bad, I could barely concentrate on driving! When I got home, I really needed to do somethings around the house BUT I decided to heat up my rice bag, take a darvocet, and TOOK A NAP!!

    Was still sleeping when my husband came home from work and he was concerned that I was really bad again but with the nap I was able to get up, fix dinner, and actually talk with husband alittle. So, this is my plan - I will be smart and do what I can when I can and not feel guilty that I'm not doing more.

    Have one big question - I know everything I read says keep moving- do some exercise, etc. But the rhemo dr. says no exercise when you're in pain - guess he doesn't get it yet that I'm in pain most of the time!! Any tips on how much exercise, how intense, etc.? I have a PACE video and one entitled "Gentle Fitness" that I 've been using - no water exercise programs where I live. Any suggestions that helped anyone would be appreciated!

    Smiles to all of you-