Handbook rules at work

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by sues1, Feb 9, 2007.

  1. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    Dear Staff:

    Welcome back to the office. Please be advised that there are new rules

    and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our agency.



    ATTIRE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
    If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume
    you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
    that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
    If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
    therefore you do not need a raise.

    PERSONAL DAYS:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
    Saturday & Sunday.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
    they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minute s for lunch to
    get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
    minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
    Fast and take a diet pill.

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
    you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
    strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
    an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
    will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
    picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
    Offenders" category.

    SURGERY:
    As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
    should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
    something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
    positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
    concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
    insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation
    and input should be directed to the Unemployment Office.

    Have a nice day.

    Human Resources Dept
    =======
    This was too good not to share.......Susan
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    at every job I ever had. They just never bothered to write it down.