Handbook rules at work

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by sues1, Feb 9, 2007.

  1. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    Dear Staff:

    Welcome back to the office. Please be advised that there are new rules

    and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our agency.

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
    If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume
    you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
    that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
    If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
    therefore you do not need a raise.

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
    Saturday & Sunday.

    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
    they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minute s for lunch to
    get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
    minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
    Fast and take a diet pill.

    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
    you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
    strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
    an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
    will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
    picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
    Offenders" category.

    As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
    should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have
    something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
    positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
    concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
    insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation
    and input should be directed to the Unemployment Office.

    Have a nice day.

    Human Resources Dept
    This was too good not to share.......Susan
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    at every job I ever had. They just never bothered to write it down.