I feel lonely. I say I want friends. I joined a meetup group but everytime I cancel my reservations. I think I am used to being alone. I am used to my status quo and wanting seems to be good enough. And actualizing it seems to scary so I am stuck in between and end up thinking that wanting is good enough. The feeling is good enough. The actualization of it is too much work. Tonight there is a meetup group and I've made excuses already that it will suck, nobody will show up. There won't be any females I can be friends with. It'll be typical boring conversations. And then I end up in my room alone and bored.