Has anybody gotten separated/divorced due to CFIDS Problems?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by monom, Oct 18, 2002.

  1. monom

    monom Member

    How you people deal with it afterward, Are we going out to meet someone else, how can we explain to them the limitations we have, is there a chance? Are we supposed to meet the opposite somehow within our type of people with the similar problems? I am thinking of this because loneliness that we end up with.
    I hope my question is a proper one.

    I really appreciate your advices in this regard.

    Thank you


    [This Message was Edited on 10/19/2002]
  2. monom

    monom Member

    How you people deal with it afterward, Are we going out to meet someone else, how can we explain to them the limitations we have, is there a chance? Are we supposed to meet the opposite somehow within our type of people with the similar problems? I am thinking of this because loneliness that we end up with.
    I hope my question is a proper one.

    I really appreciate your advices in this regard.

    Thank you


    [This Message was Edited on 10/19/2002]
  3. marinemom

    marinemom New Member

    I am seriously considering it. But at 44 years old, am I really able to start over again?

    I just don't know.

  4. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    it is frightening to think of starting over with this dd, see my post earlier this morning. sometimes it might be less stressful, !!

    i think a lot of us have problems in our marriages (mine 23 years) and i have had the same questions rolling around in my head. we even separated for a short period this summer.

    maybe we could start a commune somewhere nice, like new mexico, everyone seems to do well there. what a fantasy!

    warm regards, fibolady
    [This Message was Edited on 10/19/2002]
  5. Vamp

    Vamp New Member

    Monom - My ex- hubby divorced me about 1 year into my illness when I was bedridden for nearly the first 6 years. It was VERY hard to say the least, lost my career, home, husband, and health all in one fell swoop!!!!

    There, however IS HOPE - I was 39 at the time - About 8 years (6 bedridden) 2 trying to get myself somewhat togethr again.....I wondered same thing. I have a story that may enlighten many of you if you care to hear it about the whole situation and that there IS HOPE of finding another partner in life.

    New here, so also a bit GREEN on this board, so please bear with me. I will go into more detail if you all wish - DO let me know.

  6. Vamp

    Vamp New Member

    I still have yet to figure this out - how to get replies to my mailbox.......I will check for you somehow - someway Monom as I have a WEALTH of info. on this issue!!!!! Could be of help to many of you!
  7. pepper

    pepper New Member

    has been divorced after becoming ill. My hubby and I have had our troubles too but are able to keep it together with lots of counselling from a therapist who understands chronic illness.

    The statistics put out by out support group indicate that 80% of marriages affected by CFIDS end in divorce. There is also a suggestion that many of the 20% that stay together are in relationships in which the husband is the one who is ill.

    I don't know how accurate these statistics are, but they seem to be accurate from my observations.

    A chronic illness is hard on everyone involved and I don't see how a family can function without proper counselling or, if so inclined, lots of research to learn about the illness and what the patient is going through.

  8. Vamp

    Vamp New Member

    I am as lost as I can be on this board Monom with posts and how to get answers and talk to you people, so e-mail me at vampandovacres@aol.com
    That is anyone who wants to share on this subject and the fact of hope out there!!!!!
  9. froggy

    froggy New Member

    the answers to your question on this board are posted on this board-not to your email-you have to email direct to someone or they email you other wise all the answers are under your post here. I hope this helps answer your ?

    Peace & Love Jan
  10. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    My husband left me this past January due to CFS/FM. We have 3 little girls. I am really struggling. Not interested in dating, I wouldn't even have the energy. Just trying to survive. Ex is trying to claim I can work and all of my energy is taken trying to win spousal support. The only good news here is that I was married for 18 years and will most probably win lifetime spousal support. Good luck.

  11. Girlof41

    Girlof41 New Member

    My husband and I both have health problems, me ,cfs, depression, anxiety, he, heart disease and chronic leukemia. As frustrated as I get and sometimes we don't get along great, he is there for me and I for him, and I am very grateful for this. People who leave other people because of ilness are, bluntly put,are cowards. I think you are all very strong people and give you alot of credit!!! Carry on!
  12. fifty1ford

    fifty1ford New Member


    I have decide to devorce my wife 28 years. There's a lot of baggage here and getting married for the wrong reasons, but staying together to raise two wonderful children. My children have developed to the point where I can do this. I have 18 year old daughter and a 14 year old son who are the highlights of my life.

    It's been a very difficult process of coming to the realization that part of the reason I was sick was because of my emotional situation. My soul has been only partially present and my spirit is wounded. Since I've made the decision and started to plan things out, some of my phsyical symptoms have greatly subsided. I beleive that it is all part of the "Mind-Body-Spirit" connection.

    Having this illness has changed the path of my journey, and for the most part it's been for the better. My soul is healing by going through with the divorce as I know that my path is heading in completely new direction. And by the way, I'll be 51 years old this November.


    Ford J.
  13. monom

    monom Member

    I wish you people were here with me because of your niceness. I was married after college with one of my classmate for 7 years.4 years in to marriage it started with mono nuclosis and afterward I have
    Been sick, she left me a year later. I thought everybody feels the same way, I really loved her and that added to problems that nothing could help about. Afterward I did not know how to deal with another woman, I thought they will leave me because of this DD.It has been very difficult for 14 years now. I always thought I will get well next month and
    Then I look for a lady in my life; in the meantime I was shy
    and weak due to the limitation (physically) to pursue that and
    thought it would not be fair to prospective lady!
    I do not know where I am now in the late 40.
    Thank you everybody


    [This Message was Edited on 10/19/2002]
  14. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    my first husband told me that this "problem" of mine was too much for him to live with. He let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I was too much trouble! We'd been married eighteen years and had children together. We had never even dated anyone else...we'd been childhood sweethearts. When I was at my very sickest and had gotten fired from my good paying job for excessive absences, I left him. I think I had $100.00 to my name after paying the deposit on rent and utilities and my first months rent on an apartment for me and the kids. I couldn't buy any medicine and it was Christmas time. BAD MEMORIES.....a local church actually gave me money to buy something for my kids for Christmas.......Of course, my ex and his family had plenty of money, so the kids got all kinds of things from them. Stupidly and against my lawyer's advice, I took NOTHING from the man and I gave him our land and home and all the possessions except the photo albums, a few dishes, pots and pans. I never looked back and I see now that God had a better mate for me. It's hard on my husband now, too, at times, but he married me knowing what my life was like and tries really hard to be supportive and understanding. This illness doesn't just affect us; our families have adjustments to make as well.
    [This Message was Edited on 10/19/2002]
  15. Vamp

    Vamp New Member

    How you people deal with it afterward, Are we going out to meet someone else, how can we explain to them the limitations we have, is there a chance? Are we supposed to meet the opposite somehow within our type of people with the similar problems? I am thinking of this because loneliness that we end up with.
    I hope my question is a proper one.

    Monom - I copied and pasted your question as I have poor recoliton problems due to this illness. I have been through the gambit on this deal now 14 year....Bedridden for the first 5 years. About a year into my illness, my husband wanted a divorce. Devestated I was as I had just lost my health, my career and now my home and family and no income due to "in between" time of getting SSDI...My son was 17, thank God, able to care for himself and help support me....yet watched his mother go from never wavering and strong career woman to bedridden and unable to do much of anything anymore. Okay - this was my 2nd. marriage....5 years - HE could not deal with life and life's realities and many can't with chronic illness. I was truly devestated with all this at once, of course, suicidial and all. My one and only son gave me reason to go on with life at that point; as I could NOT do that to him!!!! I sought therapy as I already take so many meds., they would NOT give me anti-depressants....talk therapy they said, so that is what I did....
    At any rate, you have a VERY valid question and concern here Monom and I am here to tell you that there IS life after and with CFIDS and FM ....Your question is VERY proper Monom....
    It took 6 years for me to get up and out of bed to moving around some; then another couple to build up a bit of strength...as I knew if I could not take care of myself or did not have FAITH in myself I could not have a relationship with anyone else.....Even after out of bed for couple years, I was house ridden or shut in, so question? How does one meet someone when you never go anywhere? Now that was my case; I do not know yours, but as I was unable to go out and try to meet someone ( maybe ) and my doctors had adviced me over the years to find someone who dealt with a disability, yet NOT CFS as neither of us would get anything done - LOL....so couple years of thinking about it and all, and in my prior life, would NEVER have done it, but in this situation, it seemed to me the logical way to meet and basically interview people for possible long term relationships. I placed an ad in the newpaper in the "get aquainted" section, where as I was VERY picky, as I had finally after 8 years built up some self esteem again to believe in myself enough to realize I did deserve someone good and that I was good and had a lot to offer even tho I have many limitations.
    Met many men for coffee , dinner and 2 - 3 a week during dead of winter in the poor shape I am in, was a lot to endure. After many meetings, I finally decided I was tired of searching and going to give it up...Had 1 more to meet and I was done. We met for coffee in a public place as all previous, and BANG - I specified in my ad and my voice message EXACTLY what I was looking for, expected, and would NOT accept or to even bother answering my ad.
    Many good people I met; not necessarily warmed up to or vice versa, and this last meeting I had I guess maybe "all guards were down" as I was giving up due to too much toll on me to go out several times a week for this.
    Low and behold, which I did not know at the meeting nor till some time later, this quiet, STEADY - STABLE - ROCK - (KEY words there) as my ad read THAT way....caught my attention for some reason, peaked my interest, etc. We began casual dating maybe once a week for nearly a year, and then we started to become more serious....Down the line, I learned he had polio when 11 yrs. old and demormities due to it and of course the emotional cover that takes over to compensate for physical lackness. Not that that made much difference by this time, but I believe it may have helped as the doctors said "someone who deals with and/or struggles on a day to day basis with some sort of disability" and just so happened THIS one had and did.
    Now nearly 7 years later, we are engaged and contemplating the big leap to marriage. It has been a road to tow, for sure, yet he is my reason to continue on in life, along with my only son and now my brand new grandson of 3 weeks.
    We have had our Up and Downs to be sure, yet we hang in there unlike the one who could not deal with the realities of life and commitment that divorced me when I became ill. Devestated for easy year or more - lost ALL self esteem, etc. to weak and ill to try to find someone. First you have to find yourself, your self esteem, your virtues, realize that even if you are physiclly limited, YOU are still a valued mind and person and have MUCH yet to offer in life. Then you can find someone, who will accept you in the best and the worst of times; someone who will stand by you rather than flee.
    When I placed that ad Monom, I said once and one time only as I felt desparate having to place a newpaper ad, but did not know of a way to meet any people as I did not leave home......I knew they wasn't gonna come knocking on the door looking for me - LOL
    So Monom, what I am saying if find yourself, be contented with you and where you are at....If you are there and feel you deserve and can physically and mentallly deal with a relationship, then I say BE REAL PICKY - as you deserve the best, you have much to offer someone and you have every right in this world to be as picky as you want to be!!!!!
    I WAS - this man was the ONLY man that said he thought he could fit my bill even tho most or all said I was asking for too much and noone would be able to 'fit that bill".
    Near 7 yrs. later we are now engaged and still taking our time on leaping, but He is my "rock" - steady and stable - to ground me somewhat, and we have gone thru some bad times and hard times, and right now are even couple counseling due to some "issues", but we are working on the future, we are together, we lean on one another when needed and I consider myself one lucky lady to have found or he found me by answering my ad! So Monom, hope is there....as with all divorce, your mutual friends may change or take sides, but you can find new friends and new life and I truly believe if it can and did happen to me it can happen to any one of us...YOU must be ready - You must KNOW what you want....
    If you do, GO FOR IT - BE VERY picky and take your time.....always tricky - let alone when illness is involved and on or the other or both are "vulnerable"
    Okay - I am exhausted now - my arms hurt from typing - I am still after 14 years no picnic here - LOL - so I have to go rest - sleep - in peace next to this ROCK I sought out years ago and I am so happy I did...
    There are many ways to meet people; this is only my story. All depends on how often you get out if at all, etc. There is church, grocery stores, coffee shops, book stores, numerous places or if getting out isn't an option, as I did the newspaper, or now the internet - There definately IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE if you want it and seek it.
    And as far as coping with the divorce set back and humility and all, I know now and have known for many many years, even bedridden I was better off without this person in my life, who could NOT deal with life's realities, and those commitments he made. I can and did BETTER than that!!!! And so can YOU Monom
  16. dlizard

    dlizard New Member

    but you gotta know I pray alot... I met a wonderful guy at the voc rehab I go to to exercise... he was in a bad accident and is there for rehab.... so right now the field is pretty level but I'll keep you posted on how this goes... He thinks there is not too much wrong with me but I keep telling him he sees the person at the end of a bad cycle not the beginning.... now a long time ago ( back when fibro wasn;t a diagnosis and they called what I have lupus) I lost my fiance` boom.... he didn't want to be with a sick woman, esp when noone knew what was wrong etc... funny how that turned out though... he got sick after I got in a better cycle and what he had killed him... but yep I was there taking care of him til the end... so just remember, people will be people and there may still be a few good ones out there! I'm hopin I found me one LOL>>>>> Good luck!