has anyone divorced because of the fibo?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fibolady, Dec 8, 2002.

  1. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    here i sit separated and was hit hard last week when my ex spit it out that he was going straight for a divorce (no separating and trying to work on our situation). he already has moved out and my 14 year old daughter has choosen to live with him.

    95% of the problem is my health issues (fms) and that i am not cured yet. he doesn't like any of my doctors and think i should be the person i used to be by now! he is a smart man. why couldn't he come to terms with my fms. i am devastated.

    actually, i had been doing better, but now everyday is a struggle again. i feel like i have to come to grips with it all over again on top of this life turning event.

    he has everything and i am left with nothing, not even my health. has anyone else out there had their marrriage broken because of their fms, i feel like i am the only one. it would help to know if i wasn't the only one.

    warm regards, fibolady

    p.s. today is my birthday! halfway to 50 as they say.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/09/2002]
  2. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    here i sit separated and was hit hard last week when my ex spit it out that he was going straight for a divorce (no separating and trying to work on our situation). he already has moved out and my 14 year old daughter has choosen to live with him.

    95% of the problem is my health issues (fms) and that i am not cured yet. he doesn't like any of my doctors and think i should be the person i used to be by now! he is a smart man. why couldn't he come to terms with my fms. i am devastated.

    actually, i had been doing better, but now everyday is a struggle again. i feel like i have to come to grips with it all over again on top of this life turning event.

    he has everything and i am left with nothing, not even my health. has anyone else out there had their marrriage broken because of their fms, i feel like i am the only one. it would help to know if i wasn't the only one.

    warm regards, fibolady

    p.s. today is my birthday! halfway to 50 as they say.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/09/2002]
  3. Nana2Andromeda

    Nana2Andromeda New Member

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. This stress is not helping your FM at all and if your husband had the decency to sit down and learn about the illness he would know that.
    In my opinion he is only using your illness as an excuse to leave you. You just don't throw away 14 plus years of marriage (I say that many years because of your daughter) because of a illness.
    I thought my marriage was going to end a few months ago (we have been married nine yrs) because of my illness, but I was wrong....I just had to explain to him better on how I was feeling and gave him some books to read to understand this illness.
    I wish I could give you encouraging words, but if his mind is made up, no words will comfort you right now. Maybe it is time to get mad at him and tell him it is pretty low, even for him to use your illness as the excuse to leave and then take him for all you can. He may custody of your daughter, but that doesn't give him the right to clean out the house and leave you with nothing. I don't know if you can work or not, but if not....stay on his health insurance and make sure you get alittle income from each month....let the court know why he left, the real reason....not the one they always say "we just don't get along anymore."

    Here's a {{{{{{HUG}}}}}} for you
  4. BonBons

    BonBons New Member

    Hi fibolady - a very Happy Birthday to you, sweetie. I'm so sorry about your divorce; my husband (25 years) tries but really doesn't get it either. Few people do, that's why this board is the cat's meow. I wish you a day to dream, freedom from pain, magical surprises and the love you so badly need. BonBons
  5. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I am so very sorry you are going through this horrible & stressful situation. I am married 20 years next month to a guy who is pretty good about the whole thing---BUT he has diabetes, so he knows firsthand what it's like to have a chronic illness; he found a diabetes message board he liked, then he was the one to hook me up with this board after I got FM. So we understand & support each other pretty well, but believe me, Fibolady, I don't take anything for granted---you never know what challenges the future will bring to strain your relationship. I know you are at the darkest point in your situation, I pray it gets better for you day by day, and I also hope you can take care of yourself more now, rest & recover a little from all of this, even if it's a slow, uncertain process. This is uncharted territory for you, naturally it's scary & you are grieving. I hope you post often to let us know how it's going; I'm not in your shoes & can't begin to say I "know" how that feels, but I really do care & am keeping good thoughts & prayers for you that this gets better for you, one step at a time.

    Take care. I am going to light a candle for you today in honor of your birthday!

    Hugs,
    Pam
  6. Lee

    Lee New Member

    and sometimes I think the relationship that I am in now will join them. I'm not going to say that the FM was solely responsible for the demise of my marriages but they had alot to do with my mental thinking at the time. Back then I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wasn't diagnosed until a couple of years ago. I remember being tired, depressed, hurting & really confused. I never wanted to do anything or go anywhere because after taking care of the house, b/fast & dinners & the most tireing one of all, taking care of a 4 & 1 year old (who are 9 & 12 now)I barely had the energy to take my bath & go to bed. Sex was few & far between. I really thought I had some dreaded disease & was going to die with 2 young children to leave behind. Dr. after Dr. said there was nothing wrong with me so my husbands thought I was crazy. If I had known then what I do today I would have been more equiped mentally & physically to defend myself & to treat it. There were no explanations for why I was the way I was so therefore I was accused of lieing & not wanting or not trying to make the marriage work.(among other things) I had no support what so ever. The break up of not 1 but 2 marriages has been extremely hard on me. It has kept me on occasions from getting into other relationships.

    The current relationship I am in now is rocky to say the least at times. When he's in a good mood, he understands & is supportive but when he's in a bad mood, he's a real jerk. Sometimes I think I would be better off by myself. Then I could deal with this disease the way I need to without the added stress of a boyfriend. We have been together for 4 years. The first two we didn't know what was wrong & I have to say it was a relief when we found out that there actually was a reason & a name for what was going on with me. I was really excited when I found out that I wasn't alone with this. I found this board & it has been a true blessing.

    My advise for you is try not to look at it as a failure or a tragedy. Look at it as a blessing in disguise. Now you will be able to take care of yourself & no one else. Which is exactly what you need. You will see the difference in the way that you feel. Just think, no more fussing & fighting about it. You need to be able to concentrate on your health what you need to do to get better.

    Believe it or not there are some men out there who really can understand & can actually be a really good support system. Their not all jerks. You might even meet one of them one day. Don't worry, I keep telling myself this as well. I may soon have to listen to my own advise soon. A part of me looks forward to a breakup & then a part of me doesn't. One way or the other we will make it. We have no choice.

    Have you thought about asking for alimony? I don't know if they offer it where you live. Just a thought.

    I don't know if I have helped or not. I'm sure you have heard alot of advise good & bad. The bottom line is do what you think is best & what is best for your health. Seek support from friends & family & try not to get too depressed & down about it. Remember the blessing that can come out of it. You could actually get better!

    Keep your chin up & hang in there.
    God bless,
    Lee
  7. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    Sorry to hear about your present from your hubby. They can be real jerks sometimes, can't they? Mine left during a blizard and left a note for me on his desk saying he was moving out. He didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face.

    Things had been going downhill for a while, but I really thought that when he finished with the stress of his then-current work project which was overdue we would be able to work it out. Naive on my part.

    I believe that my deteriorating health contributed greatly to the downfall of my marriage. I had been to the doctor several times in the years leading up to this and was always told I was fine, nothing was wrong. In fact it was the symptoms of CFS that had bothered me years before he left.

    I think the biggest problem was that he didn't trust me when I told him I was always too tired to do things. He always replied that I was making it all up to get back at him for traveling so much. I think that speaks a lot for how he operated, deception seemed the natural reason to him. Of course, he was wrong.

    Only after we separated and I began counseling did I realize just how bad my marriage had been and what it had done to me. His constant putdowns and mistrust really did a number on my self-esteem. It took me years to recover that, and occasionally it still rears it ugly head, but for the most part I feel great about myself (except my health issues).

    You will survive this, even though you are feeling devastated right now. It won't come quickly, but with time and hopefully some counseling for you to sort it all out, you will be fine.

    As for alimony, that should not be a question. You have a chronic illness that has no cure. You are entitled to have him support you for the rest of your life.

    I have a friend with other chronic health problems and when she was divorced part of the agreement included that he would provide for her for life, or until she remarries, which she has no plans for at this time. He also had to take out a life insurance policy which names her as the beneficiary in case he dies before she does.

    I suggest you look for a competent attorney. If there is a Women's Center in your area they are great resources for finding attorneys, low-priced counseling and a huge assortment of other things.

    Take good care of yourself and take things one step at a time. While your daughter wants to live with him now, she may come around eventually.

    You should at least be entitled to having her every other weekend and once a week. However with teens it is usually best to let them take the lead. They will get what they want, one way or another and make you pay for it if you fight them on it.

    Just let her know she is always welcome and that you love her and hope she will choose to spend time withher. Making dinner dates is fun, going shopping to gether is too. My daughter has not really lived with me for several years, yet we are very close.

    Her dad happens to have an extra house that he works from and she and her brothers have often opted to stay there on their school breaks. It give them more privacy and freedom, which is so important to them at that age.

    ((((((((Hugs)))))))
    Barbara
  8. evileva

    evileva New Member

    I have cfs and fibro. My husband of two years and I are separated now. He could not deal with the illness, so I moved back home to be with my parents. I imagine that we will end up divorced too. I have noticed that there is less pressure on me now. I think it makes it a little easier not having to worry about pleasing someone else. It can be a little lonely though. If you would like to talk let me know and I will give you my email address. Hang in there, I'm sure that we'll make it!
    Eva
  9. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    My husband left me this past January, probably mostly due to my illness. It was not only my illness, but his deep, deep resentment that I brought in no income for many years. Money is a big issue with him, and he had counted on me bringing in "X" dollars. I used to try to work part-time, and he would sulk on the days that I didn't work. Finally even the part-time thing became too much for me, and his resentment against me built up more and more over the years. He is trying to claim that I can work so that he can cut off my spousal support. We will be going to court sometime next year. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!

    Hippo
  10. CAgirl

    CAgirl New Member

    I have been married for 14 years. I have been in pain every day for the last ten years. My husband is not very understanding or supportive. He is a perfectionist.
    I'm back in counseling to help me to deal with this disease. My counselor feels my husband is a big part of the problem. He told me I am living in a toxic household. All the stress just makes my pain worse. I should leave this relationship. Sometimes I wish he would leave me and then I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. My children are 13 and 10.
    I think the FM causes a lot of strain in a marriage, but if someone leaves you over it they are just using it as an excuse. I guess people don't really mean the vows they take. My husband says he wants to leave because he doesn't want to deal with having a sick wife for the rest of his life, but in reality he wants to leave because he is selfish and self absorbed and just wants to be free to do his own thing.
    I feel so dependent on him because I can't work, and that takes a lot of my power away. I guess I need to get my power back.
    I hope you realize the problem is not you, but him. I hope everything works out for you.
    Laura
  11. ZosoLight

    ZosoLight New Member

    Hi_

    Paul, a guy here. Yes, I know the feeling of a teetering marriage. It's just more stress that we don't even need to be thinking about, but we go on.

    I understand what everyone on this post is saying. What can we do but our very best (including resting whenever we need to) and just take it minute by minute.

    Thanks for all your posts--

    Paul
  12. LauraLea

    LauraLea New Member

    Do yourself a favor, do something fun today just for yourself.

    I am not divorced but was close to it. My husband is the type of person who wants to fix everything including my health issues. I was able to talk him into going to counseling, but it was a struggle.

    I don't know if this is the way your husband is, but if he's the type who wants to fix things then it may be hard on him not knowing how to fix your illness. Have you trying couseling, or has he refussed?

    If he is unwilling to do anything to keep the marriage together, then you may need counseling for yourself to help you move forward, but give it time...
  13. opala

    opala New Member

    ...I am so sorry about your marriage.

    I know that this sounds like its easy for me to say, not being in your situation, but if he is treating you like this, you are better off without him. What you really need right now is support. Be sure to surround yourself with family and friends who are understanding. And always remember that you are not alone.


  14. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    thanks for all the replies. a big whooper of a flare, lousy cold rainy weather, migraines, separation ( ex doesn't even call to check on me (healthwise), holidays, gosh who wouldn't be blue.

    i tried to get my ex to go to counseling, i am in counseling since this spring to deal with this chronic illness, but he refused. i begged him to get us a marriage counselor, but i think looking back that he had already decided he wanted out of the marriage. we had been married 23 years, you would think he would put forth some effort to deal with our problems, which were 95% related to the fms, at least for the one remaining child at home. notta.

    my one regret is that i didn't get him involved more in understanding the fms, books, support groups, counseling. but some men you just can't make them do anything. you are right, he couldn't fix it so it was my fault, my doctors fault. you would think i was the only one in the world with this disorder. he even hated me coming to this board, thought it was warping me, geez. i have no real family support here (his family typical could care less but about themselves, guess that is where he got his good manners!) except my son, who is just today coming home from college for break. i count my blessing for he is very understanding and there for me.

    if your marriage is on thin ice, do something to help your partner understand your situation, doing nothing will certainly lead you to a no win situation. of course, i did everything at the time i thought was positive, but sometimes it is just not enough.

    warm regards, fibolady





  15. HOUSEOFBLUES

    HOUSEOFBLUES New Member

    I feel so bad for you... I know what it's like not to have a loved one believe you're sick.
    My husband is the same way. There are times when he's ok, and then wham! He can get so nasty and tell me there's "nothing wrong with me and even my own doctors don't believe me and why don't I go back to work and help him out with the bills and he doesn't feel well but he's working and he's getting tired of me complaining that i'm tired all the time and maybe we should get a divorce and" blah, blah, blah,........
    I try to explain how I feel to him and he just doesn't want to hear it. But, I'm always there for him when he complains about his aches and pains and I try to do things to ease it.
    Call me a fool, but I don't want to be like him....
    I tell him if he wants to leave me then do it, because his aggravating me doesn't do me any good. I'm probably better off somewhere in a tiny room by myself so this way I don't have to force myself and push myself to do things that he says I should do. Sometimes I'm so achy and tired I just want to lay down and die. You can't beat a dead horse......
    Hang in there and just concentrate on you and let him go.
    Just remember: what goes around, comes around.......
    Someday he may need someone to be there for him and when that day comes, he may be surprised when he finds there's no one around.................

    LOVE,
    HOB
  16. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    My Ex never cared at all about reading up on fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. For a long time, he took the position that I was making it all up. He had so much hostility toward me because I wasn't making any money that he didn't even want to research my health problems at all.

    Hippo
  17. tgirl

    tgirl New Member

    My husband of 17 years left me for someone half his age and healthy. Then he divorced me, it went to court on the 11th Dec. He's been telling people I was nothing but a burden to him, that I didn't give him sex, I had nothing to offer him 'mentally, physically or emotionally'. He would refer to me as his 'sick wife', as if I was not still a real person.

    Yet before he met the creature he's having an affair with he was sooo supportive of me, well at the time I thought he was. Other people are telling me differently, I'm still too close to the situation to see clearly. I have CFS and fibro, I think that ultimately my illness is just an excuse he uses to try to excuse his adultery.

    Tgirl
  18. monom

    monom Member

    15 years ago my wife left me after 2 years with CFS and seeing many Doctors,and no clear answer,she left me when I had no body,I lost everything and I really missed her,I did not know how can someone loves you and than leaves you,I am still single and scared of being hurt again,hopefully one day someone will come to me,I should start from somewhere.
    I am 49 and going toward 90 very fast.

    Thanks

    Monom
    [This Message was Edited on 12/15/2002]
  19. dolsgirl

    dolsgirl New Member

    I had alot of my symptoms prior to my divorce. I was going to the docs. My ex thought I was a hypochondiac, because we don't look sick usually. He never tried to understand. So, I would say that yes it did have something to do with my divorce. dolsgirl