Has Anyone Lost Family Or Friends?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by FibroPainSufferer, Mar 28, 2007.

  1. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    I only have one sister & her & my mother have always been close. My sister is the successful one. Lives in a 4 bedroom home, has 2 beautiful kids, a good husband & she’s a school teacher. As for me, I never went to college because I suffered from server panic attacks, I will be officially divorced in May because I left my husband because he was abusive. I live in a 1 bedroom apartment because it’s all I can afford & I don’t have any children. And, even though I never went to college, I went to work right after high school in a Credit/Accounts Receivable/Collections department, which is the field I’m still in now so it’s not like I’m sitting at home on my butt! I’ve thought about disability many times since getting fibro but I knew my mother & sister would look down on me since they think I’m fine.

    I was diagnosed with fibro about 6 months ago & since then my mother & sister have really pulled away from me. They go out shopping together & recently went to an ice show & didn’t invite me. My mom is constantly buying my sister things, whether it’s something she wants for her new house, which she had custom built & my mother helped pay for, or for the kids. I suffer financially now because my medical bills have increased. Anyway, I could go on & on here but my psychiatrist, who saw my sister for awhile also, has been telling me for years that my mother definitely shows favoritism to my sister but I've always said "no".

    Since being diagnosed with fibro., I started noticing the things my psychiatrist has been telling me so I wrote my mom an email the other night after leaving my sister’s house explaining how I felt. I mentioned not being invited to do things with them and many many other things that I’ve found out that slipped out in front of me by mistake.

    My mother did not reply to my email or even call me to discuss it. Instead, she sent the email to my sister who did reply to it & tore into me. She told me that the reason I’m not invited to do things is because they might have to leave early if my pain gets bad. She also told me I am very sick in the head & that I need serious mental help! She just went on & on about how I have no friends, everyone has seen a change in me, everything is about me, etc...so she wants nothing to do with me until I get help!

    I still have not heard from my mother & part of me does feel good that I got this off my chest. Even though I had some sort of a relationship with them before, now I have nothing. I told them what my psychiatrist has said about this, who I’ve been seeing for 11 years, but I guess that doesn’t matter.

    Has anyone had a similar thing happen since getting sick? I feel so alone & really hurt that my mother took my email & sent it to my sister. Then didn’t contact me to talk about this & let my sister say those horrible things to me.

    I didn't ask for fibro & right now is when I could use them the most!!!
    [This Message was Edited on 03/28/2007]
  2. maryl

    maryl New Member

    I'm so sorry that your family doesn't understand your illness. That also happened to me. My mother suddenly refused to take my phone calls, and sent me a letter telling me that I must give up all medication and change my doctors and accept her advice (she has no medical training). After I have done those things I could call her.
    She also tried to enlist my husband and children's cooperation in her misguided attempt at an "intervention". It has been two years now, and it took about half that time to come to terms with my mother turning her back on me, (oh, with the cooperation of my sister and brother who live across the country and don't have a clue). But my husband has been great, and I have gained strength from my faith. You know the truth in your heart, and you DO NOT need their approval, nor do you owe them any details about your meds etc. It did help me to learn to forgive them and move on with my life. It is YOUR life. I hope this helps a little. You will be in my prayers. Stick with people who understand and can lift your spirits and self-confidence. Mary
  3. desertlass

    desertlass New Member

    I haven't had outright verbal abuse like what you're describing, but I have had to make a break from one of my sisters-in-law, who was very two-faced about my situation. It hurt deeply, because we were friends before I was married. Finally, she showed her true colors, and I had to let her go. It really felt like a death, but I'm hoping that since we still have the chance to heal, that will happen when the time is right.

    Your sister strikes me as self-centered, which is sometimes a role we play in helping them to remain that way. You are standing up for yourself as your own person, and I have found that people who aren't truly supportive don't like that. It interferes with their whole way of being.

    She would have to tell you that you're sick in the head, because otherwise, how could she justify such horrible behavior? The story she would have to live with is, "I have a sister who has had health problems for so many years that she hasn't been able to fulfill all of her dreams or potential. Instead of being helpful, I chose to ignore her pain, exclude her from family outings, and insult her whenever she brings this up. I find yelling at her over something that was not addressed to me makes me feel superior and smug. If I need to ease my guilt over being this way, sometime in the future, I'll see if there's anything she can do for me."

    I'm sorry this happened to you. Friends are the ones you kind of expect to lose, and it hurts, but when family does it-- that is a whole different level of grief. I went to college, I have a nice home and two beautiful children, and it still happens to me. It's not you, or because of what you lack. It's because of what they lack.

    Hang in there, and give yourself permission and time to grieve and then make room for the people who are still out there that are going to love you for you.
  4. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    Not only for replying but for understanding!!! I do have two really good longtime friends but unfortunately they don’t live close by. I do have a good friend at work who was there for me when my husband pushed me & was arrested. She also has fibro & was in an abusive marriage so we have a lot in common!!! We talk about our fibro., problems with our relationships, etc...she’s a great person! She’s going through a rough time right now & I’m trying to be there for her right now!

    It just makes me sad that I’m getting support from a co-worker who I’ve known for 4 years & not my own family!

    Thank you for recommending the books also. I’m going to read them!

    What I forgot to mention in my previous post was that my mother & sister have always agreed to what my psychiatrist has told me in the past 11 years but this time I guess he’s wrong????
  5. debhun

    debhun New Member

    But I know that is not the same thing as your family. I too am in the same boat with ya. I know it hurts. My mom and my kds that are grown don't think I am sick they say it is just in your head. I don't tell my family any thing any more. I talk to my hubby and that is all. If they just knew how they are breaking our hearts they may open their eyes. Some time I wish this on them just so they can see for them selfs how I live my life. But I wouldn't put this on any one. If you need me I am here I will leason.

  6. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    I’m so sorry to hear you've been through this also!!! My mother & sister have both made comments about the pain medication also. They don’t see that it’s the same as high cholesterol, blood pressure, etc...you need medicines to control the problem. My mom told me that I needed to get out & walk more instead. WHAT!!! She not only has no medical training either but has never had anything like fibro..

    An “intervention” what were they thinking??? They just don’t understand. I’ve told my family many times that without my medicines & this includes my Neurontin, that I would not only be in terrible pain but crippled. I told this to my pain doctor & his reply was “you were crippled!!!” My previous doctor only had me on Neurontin & Vicodin every 8 hours. It was horrible until my new doctor adjusted my medicines.

    Thank you, you really did help me also!!!
  7. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    I’m sorry to hear you've been through this also!!!

    Boy, have you hit the nail on the head!!!

    My sister is self-centered, she’s been that way since we were kids. We had an abusive father so I use to always protect her, I’m the oldest, I can’t tell you how many times I took the blame for things she did so that my father would not hurt her. I think this is why I grew up with more problems then she did. My panic attacks, depression, & anxiety turned out to be 10 times worse than hers. The night my husband pushed me & I had to leave my home, I went to her house. She wasn’t there when I got there but when she finally came home, she walked in the door & said “I’m tired” and went to bed. She never hugged me or even sat and talked to me which is what I needed. When I asked her why, she said “because I’m pregnant & exhausted” I’ve never been pregnant but she was only 2 months along & all I wanted her to do was to listen.

    You gave me a lot to think about!!! Thank you again!!!
  8. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    It means a lot to me for you to say that!!! I’ve heard the “it’s all in your head also” and it hurts!!! I know what you mean about having them in our shoes, but maybe just for one day!

    You are awesome!!! Thank you!!! I hope I can return the favor & be here if you ever need anything!!!
  9. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Time heals,all things

    give them time to take things in .I think your mom will need to get over some guilty feelings about how she has treated you different then your sister.Ive seen this in a lot of familys and its sad.The good thing is you finelly told your mom how you feel now the balls in your mother court.Anything could happen myadvice is be preparied for anything but go into this with an open heart and forgiveness dont hold a gruge but be patient.Sometimes it takes years before a parent can see what they did wrong.

    As for your sister I hope she doesnt do the same thing with her kids. She sounds very spoiled and she needs to grow up.Compasstion is learn through heartships sometimes she may not have to face this untill your mother closes her purse strings.
    Take care of yourself ,you cant change others but you can do better then their actions.Have compassion for their ignorents.Become stronge from what you have not been given.
  10. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    Sorry you have such ugly people to deal with. When they say that some of this is in your head, what they should be saying is "some of this is really in your heart". That is what I have found thru counselling. Some of the pain I have is the pain I hold inside from the abuse from family members, the hurt from their rejection....it does hurt me all over inside!! And I can admit that. It was a big step forward in trying to heal.

    An attorney once had some wise words for me. He said "you cannot control what other people do", and I try to keep that with me. God gave man free will, and if God can't control man, what makes you think you can be responsible for their behavior? Why put that on yourself?

    Your happiness is not dependant on them. Thank God, because they seem to be a pretty self-centered, unhappy, ungiving bunch!! You sound like a really nice person who has given too much already. Find some people who will appreciate you for the loving person you are.

    I hope you feel better soon. (((((hugs))))
  11. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    I am so sorry that your mom & sister has turned on you this way. It is their loss, not being around you and supporting you, they are missing out on the wonderfull person that you are!!!

    I applaud you for standing up for yourself!!! They are in the wrong not you!!!

    I lost my best friend thru this DD.I had a breakdown at wrk ( she & I wrkd together 19yrs).I have apoligized for what I said that day. But now she calls about once a mth.And the friendship we had is now guarded. I really miss her.

    I hope this works out better for you.I support and understand how you feel!!!!

    Hugzzz, Jordane
  12. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    All I have to love me is my cat. But she is a gem and massages me. My son just calls to aggravate me. lol

    I am amazed at your story since mine is very similar! I have always been the black sheep of the family ... always excluded. I finally got fed up with my rotten sisters and decided it was best we just had no further communication (ie: TOXIC relationships) and sent them an e-mail explaining my decision and why. My dirty rotten @#t&% sister sent the e-mail to my Dad (soon to be 80 and still grieving loss of Mom) and now I never hear from him. OK ... whatever. It was not directed at him ... just the 2 witches.

    I agree with your statement: I didn't ask for fibro & right now is when I could use them the most!!!

    They have never been there for me.
  13. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    We do have similar stories!!! I too only have my cat & when I’m lying down on the couch or bed, he lays with me & we snuggle. At least he’s always here for me & happy to see me!

    Did your sisters tell you that you needed help also? I couldn’t believe the nasty things my sister said to me in her email. It was just vicious!!!

    At least we have each other that we can talk to & vent when we need to. Apparently, when I did this to my mother or sister, I was just “making everything about me” SORRY! I just needed someone to talk to!

    Shalala, thank you for sharing your story with me!!!
  14. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    I just want to thank everyone who replied!!! Like I said, it felt good to tell my mom how I felt but the things my sister said hurt very much & now I have neither one of them in my life. Or my niece & nephew.

    I know it may just take time & I hope my mom eventually does comes around & that my sister apologizes for her hurtful words!!!

    Thank you again, you'll never know how much it means to me!!!
  15. Exfa

    Exfa New Member

    Add me to the list of people who have a CRAZY, Mean, Hateful, Abusive family. A couple of years ago I had enough and detached myself and cut off everyone except my stepfather. He doesn't have anything to do with my sisters either. My mother was very mean and abusive and my sisters are just like her. Do I miss them and their abuse??? NO!!!
    I have plenty of friends who have become my family, plus I have a church family, and my 4 furry children. When you have an illness like this FM/CFS the last thing you need is more abuse and stress. Just do the things you like to do and hang on to your close friends. What is the saying ...You can choose your friends, but not your family...or Fate makes our relatives, Choice makes our friends. Try to enjoy life as much as you can with this illness..........living well is the best revenge. Exfa
  16. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    What do you mean about “sharing”? Should I not tell anyone what medicines I take & that kind of stuff?

    Did you mean with this site also?
  17. debhun

    debhun New Member

    They are saying talking to family about meds and about your dr. I have found that to be very true. I don't say nothing to any one but my hubby or my Dr. Family just don't want to hear it. Sorry that is just the way it is I am afaid. So next time you see you mom or sister and they ask how you are doing smile as you grit your teeth and say just fine and you? If they star up what is going on with them say I am sorry but I really have to go now and don't let them finsh.

    [This Message was Edited on 03/29/2007]
  18. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    Thanks Deb! I thought that was what Puddles was getting at.

    No worries about telling my family anything. First, they said on Monday that they never want to talk to me again. And second, they never really asked me how I was doing anyway, they just assumed it was all in my head. I was always trying to explain fibromyalgia to them since no one in my family has it. Not to mention the serve pain I was experiencing for the first time in my life! I thought that when my test came back showing nerve damage that they might take my pain more serious because nerve damage is not “in your head”. They still didn’t seem to care!

    Thank you again Deb for your advice & kindness!!! It means a lot to me, especially right now!!!
  19. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    face but alot of "well my friend HAD Fibromyalgia and she did this....and is over it now!"...or "You STILL have that???". And not ONE call or visit from a relative, which would be my husband's family as all my family that lived near us are dead now. We had ONE brother in law and sister in law that would stop by very infrequently, she also has FM and has
    Epstein Barr first, but he died and she moved east with her sisters who are also widowed. Now there is noone.

    One brother, the next youngest works with my husband and sees him nearly daily, but he and wife never come over or call or ANYthing. She did email for awhile but had a family party of some kind. We couldn't go because my husband had an impacted tooth and my FM was acting up. Since then she doesn't even ANSWER my emails. We just don't care any more. Let them have each other, and we have each other and will find fiends of our own eventually.

    My husband has Diabetes 2 with lots of pain and a severe back problem that was only discovered a few years ago. He isn't supposed to lift or do anything strenuous but has to for his job at times. But over the last couple of years has been redoing a lot of stuf in our house to fix it up. ONLY when we outright ASKED did he get an ounce of help and I mean an ounce!

    We've both had it with all of his family! Don't take it to heart if you can help it and make your own family out of others as you can!! Take care.
    Hugs, Bambi
  20. FibroPainSufferer

    FibroPainSufferer New Member

    I took your advice today when I went back to work after being out for two days with terrible pain! I too tend to share a lot with people. I guess I’m just out going & I know I’m too trusting. So today when people asked me how I was doing, I just said “better & thank you for asking!”

    I’ve started changing conversations to the other person because you are so right, they will start talking about themselves & taking the pressure off me.

    Thank you so much again for your great advice!!!

    I hope you are doing well!!! Enjoy your weekend!!!

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