Has anyone received invitations for people you barely know?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by EllenComstock, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Hi, Everyone:

    This is a topic I don't recall seeing here before. This year I have received several invitations from people I barely know, hardly ever see or don't know at all.

    One was for my cousin's daughter's baby shower. I only see my cousin maybe once a year and we have never been close. I have never spoken to the daughter before. I know her name and what she looks like, but that's it.

    Another was for my husband's cousin's girlfriend's baby shower (they later got married). My husband hasn't seen this cousin in years. When I got the invitation, I had to ask my husband who this woman was and after calling his mom, we figured it out. I met the cousin once at a Christmas party, but never met the girlfriend.

    Just yesterday I received another baby shower invitation from my husband's friend's daughter-in-law. I'm not sure who it is since he has two daughter-in-laws named Laura. We see my husband's friend and his wife a couple of times a year, and while I like the wife, we aren't especially close and really don't have much in common. We did go to both of their sons' weddings so I've at least seen both daughter-in-laws.

    We received a wedding invitation from some former neighbors of my husband-people he hasn't seen since he moved years ago.

    I have politely declined all the invitations, but it is upsetting and frustrating. Is this the new thing-invite people you barely know so you get more presents? Some of these people know about my health problems. How much energy and money do they think I have to go shopping for a present and then attend their party? Even if I didn't have health problems, I think it is tacky and just a ploy for more presents or money.

    My husband doesn't understand why this upsets me so. He says just decline the invitations, which I do. I just don't understand this. Whatever happened to proper etiquette? I don't have children so I never had a baby shower, but I did have a wedding shower and we didn't invite former neighbors, my mother's friends, etc.-just close friends and relatives.

    I'd be interested in some feedback on other's experiences here. Sorry this is so long. Thanks.

    Ellen
  2. mosherpit

    mosherpit New Member

    received an invitation to a baby shower and we have no idea who the person is, and it wasn't just a coincidence in name since she spells her first name differently.

    Don't feel bad about declining the invite, it certainly appears that people are "stretching" the limit on who to invite to these functions.

    I always try to keep it to close friends and immediate family myself.

    Let it go, don't let it bother you, if they sent that many invites out, they are probably going to have plenty of "yes" replies and it won't affect them in a negative way that you don't go.
  3. marsupialmama

    marsupialmama New Member

    I think the whole party/wedding/invitation thing is too much these days.

    I really dislike when they say (in as many words) "no wrapped gifts, we want money!" Ugh.

    Last year a friend was invited rather late to a wedding and was basically told that she was on the B list or even the C list, not enough of the first-choice guests could come but I guess they had paid for the hall and catering and were scrambling to get bums on seats.

    Very tacky. Needless to say my friend was very offended and refused to go.

    The host was a relative and I can;t remember if we were invited or not (probably not even on the Z list. hah!) I am sick of parties and one-upmanship and people callign to see if we were invited so they can gloat if they are on the guest list and we are not etc etc etc.
  4. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    If some of my siblings find out that other second cousins were invited to a function and they were not they get upset! Even if they hardly know the person. We have a very large family. There are 10 of us and all of us have kids and then the kids have kids. So it would be impossible for anyone to invite us all, but yet some of my siblings still get upset when they go to a function and another cousins kids are there and not hers.

    Frankly I would be grateful to not be invited to some of these and as time goes by we are invited less and less. My feelings are not hurt.

    I agree with the others advice. Just decline.

    And I also agree that some just want more gifts!! I had a relative who was having twins so her mom rented a hall so they could invite more people to get more gifts. And they actually admitted this out loud!! Several times!! At the shower!!
  5. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    Sometimes I will send a note or card with a few nice lines. But no gift. Susan
  6. DoveL

    DoveL Member

    I find this happens to me alot!! And I don't really know too many people due to this illness!! LOL

    As said in an earlier post, maybe people feel 'obligated' to invite the 'world".

    Personally, I think it is for the gifts LOL!!! (I am bad), or that they don't know alot of people??

    Who knows, but I find it annotying at times too. I just 'decline' and then send a card of congrats!

    Cheers!
    DOVE
  7. kirschbaum26

    kirschbaum26 New Member

    Dear Ellen:

    I once received a wedding invitation (very fancy, very formal invitation) from a woman who I was sure I did not know. I spent some time trying to figure out who she was. I finally looked at the invitation to see the groom's name, thinking that maybe I would get some idea...turns out it was one of my former bosses (the groom). I had played softball on a company team for many years, and even knew the woman he was marrying, but not her real name. Talk about embarassing.

    I know what you are saying about getting invitations to distant relatives showers, etc. I think it might be because we are all so much more connected (via the internet) than we used to be. Very few people actually send letters, and consider e-mails to be a proper form of communication. There are even sites geared just for electronic invitations. I think one is called e-vite, and I get an invitation to something about once a week through that service. I have turned down 95% of the invitations (for scrapbooking crops, or swaps, support groups, book clubs, PTL functions, church groups, etc).

    I cannot seem to remember what the proper response is if you do not feel very close to someone who invites you to a function. I do not think you have say anything more than, so sorry, we will not be able to join your celebration.

    Times, they sure are a changing.

    Ingrid
  8. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    I haven't been on here since yesterday morning. It was so great to see all the responses to my post!

    It's nice to see I'm not the only one with this problem. But I think everyone is right. Some people just feel like they need to invite everyone or they don't know many people or unfortunately, this is their way to try and get more gifts. I agree, that with a wedding you are really not any more ahead since you have to rent a larger hall and feed everyone. Of course, with a baby or bridal shower, you can keep the menu fairly inexpensive or schedule the time between meals so you only have to provide some appetizers.

    I think everyone is right (including my husband). It's not worth getting upset about. I will just politely decline the invitation.

    Ellen
  9. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    I have heard of people receiving e-mail invitations, but so far I haven't received one. That is really tacky not to invite people by mail.

    Ellen
  10. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    Or having the guest address the envelope for the thank you cards which seems to be the latest trend at showers these days. The last one I went to we had to do this in order to get a door prize. They drew the envelopes in order for guests to recieve prizes.
  11. opticaltech

    opticaltech New Member

    Id rather not go to functions anyway!..Its too much for me..Even to have a family thing. Especially funerals...I know this is weird but I HATE funerals...I didnt go to my grandmothers funeral...I donot like to remember people that way.......L.
  12. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Having the guests fill out their envelopes for the thank-you cards at the shower? That's a new one on me. Sounds like the person is really lazy. Just when I think I've heard of everything!

    Ellen
  13. I want to add soo much to this, but am sooo sooo tired, (yeah, this provigil realllly works--for giving me excrutiating abdominal pain & trips to the potty!) grr.

    Ok, I'll try one or two....

    How about, (and I'm related to this JERK) 1)having the wedding at your house, to save money (was a big backyard in the country)
    2.) building your own, horrible looking 'stand' where the wedding party & preacher stood & groom & bride (it was all uneven and looked as if it could fall at any time...)

    3.) having your disabled mother, soon to be mother in law, and disabled aunt make* most of the food, and what was catered....wasn't really wedding food...

    4.) flat out saying in the computer printed out invitations, that "in lieu of gifts, please give gift cards or money, so that the groom may take care of his disabled mother (who had just lost her husband 4 months prior) then specified the gift cards should only be from home depot, or wal-mart.

    5.) having your disabled cousin & aunt pick out the tree YOU tell people you got to plant in honor and memory of your deceased father...

    6.) having your mother rent humongous party tents, *trash cans* (the huge ones), tables, chairs, etc..

    7.) having your aunt* SCRUB the house, garage, etc, so they are sparkling white, for YOUR wedding...

    8.) making your best man someone who lives in Louisianna, when you are getting married in INDIANA---best man pays for own transportation, of course... he actually drove all the way here too!

    9.) the part about taking care of the disabled mother, was completely! false...he's in his 30's and he & his wife, and now their daughter, live with his mother, but SHE was doing every ounce of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc...until his wife finally started to do a LITTLE bit around the house..
    His ill mother babysits for free, (pretty much even when they are home..)

    Anyways.....it was one of the most upsetting, aggravating, (take advantage of people) weddings I've ever seen. ONE of them... dispicable.

    Don't even remember getting a thank you card for the gift certificate to wal-mart (NONE of the family gave cash, as this person buys rediculously exspensive tools, toys, etc and never touches them, or breaks them, and doesn't have a clue how to use them---hows' that taking care of his mother?)

    Anyhow, I also had a friend, back in 97 or 98---who threw *herself* 3 bridal showers! THREE?? c'mon now... and even badmouthed the groom to be, to his OWN family as she opened gifts...she got divorced less than 2 yrs later, but not before getting a new blazer, then remarried, and again bunch of bridal showers, got a new Impala with this husband, then did the same thing with baby showers! my goodness! My best friend got stuck at all 3 showers, with a pen and paper to write down who gave what.

    Other friends of ours, had been married 3 yrs, but decided once they moved out of the grooms parents house, and the bride finished schooling, to have a small wedding...the groom was a very close friend of hubby's....hubby & I spent a LOT of money & thought on their gift, I thought it was beautiful---never even got a thank you, and they no longer talk to us, or any of "the group of friends" (groom's been friends with them since? age 14 or so.)

    I don't know if it is the generation....indulgence, poor manners, the "me,me,me" mentality...hence the word & show Bridezilla(s) there are also a few "groomzilla's" out there...

    When people say "it's your special day" somehow that has gotten twisted into "you deserve nothing but the best, no matter what it takes to get it (or who you use or step on), invitations are more and more, thank you cards are less and less, and less personal...

    Makes ME embarrassed.... (looks like I managed to type plenty! LOL---I'm a pretty quick typer when my shakes are under control,)

    And, I'm married to a wonderful loving man, but...he HATES "confrontation" and thinks that if we don't go to a wedding/shower whatever, that the person will hate us forever----I tell him *I don't care!* THEY are the rude ones (I'm not going to a shower for someone on his moms DISTANT side that HE barely knows! Without him, yeah, sure!)

    He is wonderful, but, truly terrified of what other people think of him....I tell him I wish he'd realize they are the rude ones, knowing that they don't even know us, or haven't seen him since he was a child....or when they are 2nd or 3rd cousins, but know through talk/gossip (major thing in his family amongst the women!) that I am very ill.

    If I can't even clean my own house, or cook for my dear husband, I'm sure as heck not driving 18+ miles (I hardly EVER drive-not safe) to a wedding/baby shower for someone that I don't even know, nor would i know anyone there, really...and I believe it's rude to expect me to.

    He has a 1st cousin getting married July 07, and he expects the entire family to get to Ohio, pay their own room & board, meals, etc (with the exception of the meal at the reception...) Hubby is upset with ME because I said.."we'll have to see how my health is." His minds made up we're going. He may go with his family, and leave me here! my gosh! I can't leave the house, but I"m supposed to ride in a car to Ohio, and suck it up for 2-3 days! (Not to mention, we don't have that kind of MONEY!)

  14. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Thanks for your response. I didn't think I was going to get any more responses to my post. It sounds like you have had quite a few experiences when it comes to invitations! I do think that common sense and proper etiquette are certainly lacking these days.

    Your husband shouldn't expect you to necessarily be able to travel a long distance and be gone for several days. With FMS we never know how we will feel, and then to do this for people you either hardly know or aren't especially close to, is asking too much.

    Ellen
  15. Yep. My husband has been more than wonderful about my entire illness(I became completely disabled 4 months after we were married, I was actually off work with a back 'injury' that wouldn't heal, when we had our wedding. (The beginning of the end--as far as my health, we know now,)

    He truly is a wonderful person, he is just absolutely terrified of confrontation or making people mad. His mother is to thank for that. I'm the ONLY person in the entire family not afraid of that woman.

    (She quit speaking to him/us for over 8 months, so the entire family except his grandparents(his father's parents) simply because we changed our wedding date! Also because we wanted a small* wedding (both shy, kind of) and she wanted us to invite all 450* church members---of their church--with MY mom & stepdad paying.

    So, sad as it is, my hubby is just wonderful to me, gives me the world, but, if it is between having to confront ANYone, or ME, I lose everytime...due to his fear/anxiety. We've discussed this, but,

    I truly wish he'd get help for it, as..it is quite severe. (He does not even like to call doctors, the vet, if we have a problem at the house, doesn't like to call to like for example...the phone company, cable company, etc..) though, he has* gotten better with those....he's had to, with my illness..

    We all have our flaws though, and Lord knows mine outweigh his, so, I love him just the same. Just wish he wasn't so fearful of just saying "Look, my wife is SICK" heck--I wish he'd just let ME tell them. I care not if people want to get mad, don't they think I'M mad? lol I'M the one who's SICK, doggone it, lol.

    Some people..... ah well.....variety---the 'spice' of life...y'know..



    Take care,


    Laura
  16. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Like you, I got sick shortly after we were married. Actually, I had been having some pain and other symptoms for many years before we met, but it really hit hard after our wedding.

    It's too bad that your husband is so afraid of confrontations. I am sure that his family takes advantage of that. It's good that he treat you well in other ways. My husband is a little like your husband, although he will definitely stand up for himself and me, if necessary. But usually I am the one to makes phone calls to get something straightened out. However, a few years ago when my family was giving me a lot of problems, my husband finally went to bat for me. Without his support, I don't think I would have gotten through it as well as I did.

    As for invitations, I am on my own on that one. He doesn't understand why I get stressed out on this. I know I should just decline the invites from people I barely know and not let it get to me, but it's maddening especially since some of these people know my health isn't good.

    Thanks for your response.

    Ellen