hate the suburbs--can't afford to move

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by artyreader, Nov 16, 2010.

  1. artyreader

    artyreader Member

    I have fibro/cfs and assorted other 'goodies' (unwelcome chronic health conditions) Have been on Soc. Sec'y Disability for years.
    Grew up in a big city, ended up in suburbs--can no longer drive,afford a car,etc and am single and no money to get out much anymore, or energy--I just don't fit into the suburbs--I want to live in Manhattan, but have no money. Every year that goes by I feel I am wasting my life.
    I am bored to tears (sorry, but it's just the truth, for me. I am venting, and do not mean to offend people) by one more story about someone's grandkid, or their renovation, or family reunion (i also hate the nuclear family, came from a really messed up family situation, and if one more person says some cloying platitude like "Family is the most important thing. . ." GRRRR)
    My family was chaotic abusive crazy destructive, etc and it galls me to hear cliches like that. If I had stayed with my family and acted like they wanted me to I would probably be dead now, or in much worse shape than I am now.
    I am by nature a bohemian, though I have tried for years here, I just can't get with the 'join a club and conform' crowd. (BTW I joined tons of things when I got here, and never was able to make a real connection with anyone)
    No one here gets me, or gets fibro or chronic fatigue. I feel I live among Stepford folk, not real flesh and blood people with real feelings.
    The only time I have felt happy and at home is in large, walkable older cities with some history and vitality, where all kinds of people, rich, poor, middle class,etc (and all races and nationalities, cultures, languages--I love that!I grew up in inner city, poor, with people of all ethnic,racial backgrounds--we all looked out for one another, whatever we looked like,it felt like community then, but these suburban people are all in their own bubble) walk on the streets and there is serendipity and diversity and discovery around every corner.(NOT cities like L.A. where you must drive everywhere) Anyone else a single, middle-aged person with no money stuck in a bland small town which feels like it's sucking the life out of you and that you are happier in more exotic and interesting places? And find your joy in books, and art,and ideas, and poetry, and history and people you can connect with--to me, friends and a sense of community are much more fulfilling than family--Again, I am only speaking for myself, I am NOT knocking you if you are truely happy in traditional family life--different strokes for different folks, etc.
  2. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    My life has always been in smaller towns or suburbs while my kids were growing up. I totally get it about the suburbs. I felt like a duck out of water there too. At the time, though, we felt it was the safest place to raise kids.

    Sometimes, smaller towns with vibrant art scenes can be a good compromise. I've only visited NYC but I loved everything about it that you describe. A smaller college town usually has a lot going on, artistically and intelligently. Many have decent transportation systems too. It might not be NYC but it sure beats the burbs.

    I still drive, so I can get out to where I want to go. I live on the West Coast of South FL. We have a university here and many artists so there is always something going on, especially when the Snowbirds and tourists come down. SW FL isn't perfect and takes a lot of getting used to; it isn't like anywhere else. Still, the nice warm weather and sunny days seem to help with my illnesses. People are friendly and I can do as much or as little with neighbors as I want. Mostly what they want to do is eat, so I don't hang out with them.

    It's a good thing I drive because the public transportation here is horrible. I don't get it. This place is full of old people who can no longer drive. There are high-rise condo bldgs along our river downtown and the downtown area is going through a revival. Still, things are not close enough that one can get to doctor appts., the store, or to activities without a car or friend who still drives. Voters voted in a fast train to Tampa but you cannot get across town easily on the bus. Oy!

    I hope you can find a way to enrich your life. If you absolutely must continue living in the burbs, you may have to get enrichment from books, good TV (is that an oxymoron :), and online. People live in the burbs because it fits their needs, usually when they are busy with family life. Still, people are people, and out there in the vast sea of cul-de-sacs, there is likely someone like you who is wanting more than what is available in the neighborhood. Good luck to you.

    Love, Mikie
  3. coolma

    coolma New Member

    I understand. We are all made to our own likes and dislikes and no feelling of guilt for any of it please! You have some disabilities. If you are in a disability income, you could possibly go through a social worker and they might have more information on how to relocate you. In cities, there are also homes where you can "room and board" through the social network. It would place you at least, where you want to be. I don't know your age, but if you qualify, you could apply to go into a housingco-op or supportive housing in the city. Just keep looking for an alternative. I am all for finding the help we need and accessing any resource you can find. Even your local church, community care access centre, physician, anything to get you where you will be happy! Good luck and don't take no for an answer.
  4. artyreader

    artyreader Member

    Your replies meant a lot to me and made me feel less alone.
    I want to ask each of you another question or two on what you wrote, but right now I'm beyond exhausted, my muscles are seizing--time to get off the computer for now, but I wanted to thank you both for 'getting it' and for your thoughtful,informative, empathetic and encouraging replies.
    Sometime in next few days I will write to ask for some further elaboration on something(s) mentioned. Just too body-and-brain frazzled at the moment--I know most everyone on these message boards can relate to that!
    Well wishes to you!
  5. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. I just wanted to keep this bumped so that when you feel up to it, you can more easily find your post.

    Love, Mikie
  6. coolma

    coolma New Member

    It's in some type of involvement, when you feel better, where you make friends and feel more comfortable in your surroundings. Just a little time, an hour or so a week, volunteering somewhere in the area where you live may give you the friend, the contact, and the purpose you seek. Also, turning inward and finding exactly what you believe in, and why you are here gives great internal satisfaction to life, for me, through a personal belief system in my religion, is where I could finally put all this mess together! I find I agree with the previous entry...I left the city for peace but I don't want it to be lifeless! I found through life that you really have to learn to be happy with yourself, and about yourself...and develop a life of purpose through many ways. Just a little reaching outside of one's self brings alot of happiness, serving in some small way to someone else, developing a talent, gaining knowledge through study, developing a friendship, learning about the world. In the internet society where we live today, you are never cut off from all these things even if you are homebound and can't get out often, or, for now, living in a place you don't really like.
    Developing a life of purpose is the only way to happiness. A wise quote came to me recently "Happiness comes, not in just doing things that make you happy, but in finding joy in the things you are doing". Our perspective on our life changes everything.
    Good luck! I left the city, for a community, on a lakefront property with a million dollar view but cost alot less than that. I live in a modular home, am comfy, warm, and have lots of neighbours. The years housebound in illness gave me time to develop hobbies, interests, read, rest and get happy with myself. I guess, there is beauty out of ashes after all. I do wish you peace and to be happy. Cheers!