Hating myself

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia and ME & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome' started by hermitlady, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Nothing out of the ordinary, just got over a stomach bug and am feeling so depressed. I don't want to go into it all, but home life is really stressful from all angles lately.

    I need serious help in so many ways, I am beating myself up w guilt and self loathing. Can't seem to stop it. Sick, sick, sick...that's all I am good for. How to shake this? I'm weak and in pain and so discouraged again...just another big bump in the road.

    Help?? Anything would be appreciated. So alone.

  2. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    I've started to meditate for about 30 min. a day (slow rhythmic deep breathing).....more if I'm really stressed. I'm a Christian and practice turning everything over to God for him to handle things.

    I'm just getting over 6 weeks of the flu. This is the first day that I don't feel super loopy and it's hard to function and get to the grocery store in this condition plus the coughing.

    By the way, after 45 years of marriage I've just recently discovered that my husband is a classic Passive Aggressive. Boy did that open my eyes to WHY he treated me the way he does. Thank goodness for the internet so I can research it.
  3. jaminhealth

    jaminhealth Well-Known Member

    the personality...my daughter was married to what she called Jekyl Hyde, in therapy she found out it was passive aggressive...

    They are divorced after being together 17 yrs...long hard struggle she went thru, actually they both did...he medicated with alcohol, she ended up medicating with pain meds....sad sad stuff.

    My ex, what can I say, he was a liar and a alcoholic and never
    knew who he was....I never knew either....

    Herm, I know how you struggle with your home issues...hang in day by day...what else can you do?
    Want to run away?

    Don't beat yourself up, don't hate yourself... jam[This Message was Edited on 01/29/2013]
  4. freida

    freida Active Member

    I understand so well, every feeling in your post.
    It is a very hard struggle sometimes.

    Sometimes I just have to look at myself, and remind myself to give myself the same caring and acceptance, that I would give to someone else.

    And sometimes, I try whatever I can, but find that sometimes I have to wait out those worse discourgement times.
    Alone feeling, I sure do know that one too. I'm glad you came here to share, and to say hello to us!

    Sometimes, I list things in my mind or on paper, that I am still glad for, or that are good...I am often surprised to find, there are some.

    Hope you can find one, Hermit, or hang out with us, and wait till you can. Sorry for your difficulties!

    Leah


    [This Message was Edited on 01/29/2013]
  5. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    I'm in the middle of a crying jag, feel like throwing a temper tantrum, all kinds of anxiety. Just tried some relaxation stuff, couldn't focus. Feel like a caged animal, but not well enough to go out anywhere other than to sit in the sun.

    My mind is so negative, always have to work on it, but sometimes it overtakes any rational thinking. Grrr.
  6. Goatwoman

    Goatwoman Member

    I'm so sorry--just wanted to send you a hug.

    Georgia
  7. MicheleK

    MicheleK Moderator

    I am so very sorry to hear the anguish you are going through and the cascade of emotions that would naturally come from being in so many situations that make one feel helpless, hopeless, and useless.

    I think we have all experienced those emotions just from dealing with these illnesses. However some of us also have dealt with very trying relationships and know the constant emotional trial of it as well as how it exasperates our physical bodies. It's a vicious cycle.

    There are no easy answers unfortunately, but you know that already.

    I agree with Frieda about treating oneself the way we would treat a good friend. Never would we berate a good friend by constantly telling them or actually even once telling them they are good for nothing.

    Learning to treat ourselves well inside of our heads no matter what is going on outside of ourselves is one of the most freeing things we can do for ourselves. It is a process so just try talking back to all those condemning thoughts and picture yourself as your best friend talking to you.

    If you have untreated depression it would be good to get some help. It is almost impossible to be clinically depressed and keep much positivitey flowing through ourselves.

    I am so glad you vented here. We all need to be heard and supported. And those with very heavy loads need it even more. Today we support you. Another day you will be supporting us. That's the beauty of this forum.

    Hugs, MicheleK
  8. Nanie46

    Nanie46 Moderator

    I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.

    I'm saying a prayer for you.

    I find Joyce Meyer's broadcasts to be so very helpful. She covers all kinds of topics that affect our everyday life.

    You can watch her shows online by going to joycemeyer (dot) org...then click on "Broadcast" on the left.

    Scroll down and you will see a whole list of shows that you can scroll through.

    Examples of topics are fear, anxiety, peace, self-control, relationships, happiness, forgiveness, etc.

    The title of the shows are on the left and the topics covered are on the right.

    Just click on any show title and you can watch it online.

    She has an amazing way of relating to people and showing us how to make our everyday life easier.

    She is also on tv. I watch her everyday.
  9. Beadlady

    Beadlady Member

    I know how crazy our life can get with all our health problems.

    I'm sending you some cold nose kisses and snuggles from my fur kid Virgil. ~~~~~~~ He can make any day a little bit brighter. WOOF!

    Reading a good book is a good escape and sometimes listening to music too--I listen to Positive LIfe radio on my computer or in the car.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    Bead
  10. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Do you have any way to get help with a therapist? It is not unusual for people with chronic illnesses to experience depression. I almost never experience it but lately, I've had one thing after another and it's getting to me. I know it will pass; it always does. If yours doesn't pass soon, please consider getting some professional help. Depression can be worse than what ails us physically.

    Sending you warm hugs and prayers.

    Love, Mikie
  11. freida

    freida Active Member

    Hi, I'm thinking of you!

    Are you taking care of your dear self today?
    The best that you possibly can, is all you can do, dear.

    I understand, that it is too hard, when depressed, to do many of the things that would help.
    Meditating doesn't help, if the thoughts come in too negative.

    I am sending a bit of hope.

    I hope your feeling a wee bit better, soon!

    Try to do ANY little thing that you usually would like. Just in case it helps you, a little bit.

    Leah

  12. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Sorry it took me so long to get back, our internet was on the fritz off and on. I forced myself out of the house today and shopped for healthy food at Trader Joe's. Now to find the energy to cook! Shopping always really tires me out.
    I have been being treated for depression for 15yrs, thru all kinds of therapy, every med known to man, hospitalized, you name it. I take Prozac and a small dose of Wellbutrin which works ok...until a crisis hits then I have to bump up my Proz for a few days. That's what I've done the past 3 days in fact.

    Some of you who know my "life story" realize that some of my depr is due to my family situation. 2 spec needs kids, 17 and 20. And yes, we've obtained whatever services we can for them, both in spec ed and other agencies.

    Son is a Senior in high school and barely passing, hopefully he'll make it thru and pass his classes to graduate...even in spec ed, the curriculum is difficult for him. Daughter is now in a workshop/school type setting for the entire day. She still lives w us, but will eventually have to go to some sort of assisted living situation.

    Been married almost 28 yrs to a great guy, most of the time he's very easy going. He doesn't blame me for being sick but he gets frustrated (I can't blame him). We built a 4000 sq ft house on 2 acres (originally we built smaller, then he wanted to add on and put in a pool a couple of yrs ago) I didn't want to do this, but he won, he works hard and I haven't worked in 20 yrs cuz I was a SAHM, but now basically disabled.

    The problem is lately, this place is just too much to take care of. I used to be a good housekeeper before the FM CFS hit, but for yrs now things have been falling apart and piling up. Not to mention almost 2 acres of landscaping to keep up with.

    I've always said we need a full time gardener/housekeeper for this place, but that will never happen due to $$$ issues. I used to have a housecleaner a couple of times a month, but lost that luxury about 3 yrs ago. I just can't do it myself and my kids are no help w their issues. Dh does a lot, but he works long hrs running our own masonry business (just started that about 8 months ago)

    So, in a nut shell, I am so overwhelmed with everything, everyday. Due to things not being up to par around here, my husband has suggested we sell this place and downsize. This breaks my heart, I blame myself for not being able to take care of everything.

    Since he's in the construction bus, he always wanted a nice home w all the best quality features. I know he must resent me for this at some level, altho he says it's not my fault. He's come to terms w me being sick and probably never getting significantly healthier.

    So, I am very very upset w the situation right now. My kids don't want to move, yet they can't function properly (at their age level etc) to help w things. Son does mow the lawn and do yard work , but nobody helps w the housework except a little from my dh.

    Ok, I've rambled on enough. I just don't know how to deal w this chaos. I think I should be able to "buck up" and start getting the house in shape, but right now I only can do a little at a time. And those short spurts of cleaning doesn't even seem to make a dent, there's just too much to do and too much built up as clutter, messy cupboards etc. I just feel worse about myself than ever, don't know how to process and cope as usual.

    Thanks again for all of your input, really helps to read and re-read these posts....
  13. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    I understand about not being able to "house clean" like you used to. Our home is just under 3,000 and since I can't bend down safely I watched the baseboards get more and more grimy along with everything else. I do what I'm able to, and husband vacuums every couple of weeks.....missing all the corners, etc.

    Last month I bought 4 hrs. coupon on Groupon for housecleaning. They came last monday and did an OK job....at least now my baseboards are clean along with the grungy shower and other things. Maybe you need to get a list of most necessary things to be done and see if you can hire someone for one day.

    When we focus on stressing on how clean or not clean something is, we just feel overwhelmed.
  14. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Sometimes, I watch "Hoarders" just to feel a bit better about how messy my condo is. I've been on a reorganizing and cleaning jag but just as I make some headway, something comes along to slow me down. By the time I get done, it's time to start over again.

    As I see it, you can downsize (not always the answer) or just lower your stds. I've learned to live with some dirt and dust until I can get to it. I live alone and don't entertain so it's a bit easier for me. Also, I live in a condo where all the outside work is taken care of.

    I'm so sorry for all you have to deal with. My thoughts and prayes are with you.

    Love, Mikie
  15. jaminhealth

    jaminhealth Well-Known Member

    and often thinking about scaling down to a senior housing, those are very small 300-400 sq ft...I live alone and have
    for MANY yrs and love it...I don't entertain any more, but
    I've done my share in this apt over the years I've been here, 25 I think it is...

    For me, less is best and the older I get the more this is
    true. jam

    We are where we are in our lives....
  16. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Oh, sometimes I wish I could live alone. I lived alone in a studio apt before I got married and I loved it. Never having to worry about anyone but myself. Sounds good sometimes!

    I managed to work myself back into a flare, spent the day in bed yesterday w my heating pad and my cats. Not expecting much more out of myself today either. I keep trying to stop the negative thoughts, my mind has been in such a jumble. Another extra Prozac for me today.

    It's so good to hear from all of you, nice to know I'm not as alone as I feel sometimes. Love to you all.
  17. jaminhealth

    jaminhealth Well-Known Member

    know where our lives will take us, we start out with the
    best of intentions and then deal with what we get....

    I vowed after my divorce NEVER to marry again, and have
    never looked back with regret...

    Anyway, my dear, hugs to you. jam
  18. mbofov

    mbofov Member

    Hermitlady - I'm concerned about all the Prozac you're taking. I don't know if you're aware, but Prozac itself can cause anxiety, agitation etc., all the things you're dealing with. Here's a link to an article which states that anxiety is an extremely common reaction to Prozac: http://chriskresser.com/the-dark-side-of-antidepressants

    Adding wellbutrin to the mix I think raises the likelihood of a bad reaction. It can cause anxiety, panic attacks etc.

    Prozac also raises cortisol levels, causing anxeity, agitation, inability to handle stress, etc.: http://www.consumerhealth.org/articles/display.cfm?ID=20060209190055

    There are natural alternatives which don't have these side effects: 5-htp and l-tryptophan are amino acids which raise serotonin in the brain naturally without the side effects of SSRIs.

    SAMe has helped many people too. There are lots of safe alternatives to the prescription SSRIs.

    Also many people with depression are low in omega 3 fatty acids, which are very important for mental health.

    You do have a lot going on, but I tihnk it could be manageable if you were able to calm down, and take things one at a time and the SSRIs might be interfering with your ability to do this. And the fact that you've been taking them for a long time doesn't make it any better and in fact could make things worse. Just something to think about.


    Mary
  19. lesliesue

    lesliesue New Member

    I hope you are feeling better! I just needed to write because my situation similar, though yours sounds much harder. I don't have special needs kids. But I do have a big house that feels overwhelming and depression and the illnesses.

    I am om Prozac and Wellbutrin and the combination is actually really wonderfully for me. But....big but. I really want to get off drugs. Anyway, something that helps me and my husband is taking a walk. I know it is very, very difficult to the point of impossible somedays. But it really, really helps with depression. And fibro. I have been in a flare and had to quit most days. But I am trying to even go down to the bottom of the driveway. Even 5 minutes can help.

    About the house, we have mold sensitivities and have had to clean every room top to bottom. It has been a year and we are about 2/3 done. I know that feeling of overwhelm. The brain fog takes over and you need to go lie down, just looking at what you have to do. What I have been doing is small amounts. One cabinet or drawer. Try not to think about the whole picture...you'll get paralyzed. Or at least I do. It doesn't always work and I still have overwhelm. But try to focus or small pieces and what you have done.

    Sorry I am writing so much. Just one more thing...what I wrote above helps a little. Focus on what you HAVE done. And don't beat yourself up. You are sick. That is real. And makes it very difficult to do anything sometimes. Tiny little baby steps. My husband likes to make a list and cross things off when he has finished something....a solid thing to look at.

    I don't want to sound like I think this stuff is simple. I have been sick over 25 years and my house HAS looked like a hoarders house. And I lived in overwhelm for years and still get it sometimes. Just wanted to put what helps me out here.

    Love,
    lesliesue
  20. jaminhealth

    jaminhealth Well-Known Member

    house that's one thing, but as we get older and ALMOST every one I know has scaled down or talks about it and is in the process, sell the big stuff and learn how to live small if that fits your lifestyle.

    The japanese have always lived small but we americans, oh the bigger and bigger the better, not the case as we grow old and have health issues, for sure.

    I did the prozac and wellburtin merry go round for some yrs and knew in my heart it was a sluggish thyroid and it sure was, oh the history of this all when I go back to 1991 when the depression started, prozac was new on the market and it did NOTHING for me....10 longs yrs of struggling with drugs....

    Armour thyroid was and still is my salvation. Vit D3 too.

    A walk is always good, keep doing that.

    Herm, maybe you could change your title to: unhappy with myself or dislike myself.....hate is so so negative and only feeds your feelings....