Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. _______________________________________________________________ A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed and laughing with delight. Her husband watches for a few minutes and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you ? " The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that, not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 yr. old." The husband asks, "What did he say about the 50 year old ass ?" She replies, "Your name never came up" !!! ______________________________________________________________ > Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. > > One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, 'WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.' > > The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, 'You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind.' > But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. > > The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. > > One said to the other, 'You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.....So ... do you think we should well ... you know ... screw her?' > > 'Out of WHAT?!?' asked the other. ______________________________________________________________ A new Airforce Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges', that's why we have Molly The Camel.' The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay ' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'Not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are!