Have any Of you Lost Your Spouses to this Illness?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by HppeandMe, Mar 6, 2006.

  1. HppeandMe

    HppeandMe New Member

    Hi friends-

    While I am here I thought I would pose this question. My husband says I am pushing him away. It's just that I don't want to take his life away at 35. I'm 32. He is a normal and needs to live a normal life. I just love him so much and he knows. Everytime I look at him or talk to him I just cry. I can not control it. I know I am pushing him away but I think I am doing it in fear of losing him.

    Have you lost your spouse or are you afraid you will?

    Until Next Time,
  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    But doesn't your Dh give you a hard time a lot, re your being ill?

    I think it could be his selfishness rather than your illness. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I know you have been really down in the past with him threatening to leave. I think you could probably lead a more normal life if he was a bit more helpful.

    I hate to see you taking the blame for this. It is not your fault.

    Men are babies sometimes.

    Love AC
    [This Message was Edited on 03/06/2006]
  3. Jen102

    Jen102 New Member

    Please find some way to talk to him! I see from your other post that you are being treated by iv abx, and are no longer able to perform at your work. If you don't have a job, insurance, or your husband, how will you make it. He married you (and you married him) for better or for worse. Give him a chance to help you and keep you in his life. He doesn't want to lose you. Please understand if you are getting abx, they may cause depression or other neuro-psychiatric symptoms as you kill ketes. Maybe this has something to do with how you are feeling. Blessings. Jen102
  4. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    I lost my husband to this disease. He just could not handle it, no matter how I tried to make things 'normal'.
    Finally he said he was leaving. I said it was fine, but I was going to take him to the cleaners. I got half the money and the whole house. I bet he dreads the day he ever said he could not handle a sick wife. I would have certainly taken care of him if he were sick for life.
    We cut all ties. Truthfully, I am better off without him, as cold as that sounds.
  5. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    Mine feel like I ignore him. Because he is a very active person, & I am forced to be sedate I think that he feels like I don't want to do anything with him. We no longer share many joint interests. Well we might share them, but I cannot do them :(
    I spend alot of time on my computer that he feels should be spent with him. On that side of things I kinda agree with him. It's just that this is my only 'escape', the only thing that I 'do'.

  6. Hope4Sofia

    Hope4Sofia New Member

    but my husband hasn't given me reason to.

    I feel guilty for what I cannot do. And I frequently push myself to do things so that he won't resent me for this illness.

    I don't want him to feel burdened by me and then have some sweet young thing come along as a shoulder to cry on, etc. (Although, by all outward appearences I'M a sweet young thing - 33 tomorrow :) )

    My heart tells me that will never happen. He is so true and loyal and is definitely my best friend. Still, there is just a part of my he won't ever understand unless he gets sick too - God forbid.

    I always feel bad when I talk about the dd or complain about what hurts because I'm afraid he'll get tired of hearing it. Yet, it's there every day. So it can be lonely when I don't share it with him.

    This is just hard! Who know how real the vows "in sickness and in health" would become for us. But remember the "in health" part. We want them to love us in sickness but we also must love them in health.

    Your empathetic friend,
  7. leedee

    leedee New Member

    He did'nt want a sick wife,just like I asked for this. Donna
  8. jennypee

    jennypee New Member

    I have this fear too, and sometimes I react the way you do... pushing him away. Besides the guilt for all that his life could have been with a normal person, there's the worry that he regrets marrying me. That hurts worse than the thought of him leaving.

    He's a good man and he deserves a good life. That being what it is, I still want him to live a more difficult one with me. Selfish, but then again, I'd do it for him--- I would have even before I got sick.

    I hope he can handle it and that it doesn't hurt him too badly.
  9. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    and now i am divorced...i can not say it is entirely due to fms...butwe met he 16 yrs. i myself just turned 18..i am exaclty one year and six months older....i was a senior in high school, he a junior...

    anyways ways he was virtous, well i can't say the same at that time...but anyways we got married when he was 20 years and myself 21...to look back at it we were young and niave...but truly in love...etc...

    now we are divorced..he cheated on me a couple of times...he abuses alcohol and not getting treatment for bipolar/borderlines personalities...anyways i met him when he was a different person...

    anyways at time i believe if i were married i would feel better than being alone...and struggling financially wondering where my health insurance is...etc...i would be driving a brand new car like always and have toys.....

    but now i do not....i have lost a lot..but i do have my son...he will be 18 in a couple of years and graduating high school in 2008...so i will be alone and i do not know where i will live...do i move back to michigan to be closer to my siblings...? or do i stay in california to try to make ends meet for my son to complete his college education...?

    i urge you to go get marital counseling after you go see a psychiatrist for medication and counseling.....! please do it for yourself then your husband last.....so go to doctor maybe they can rec. some meds or just do some talk therapy...

    hugs to you...i don't want you to be wondering the what if's...you can gain some control of your life maybe not all but some.....

    my ex used me taking pills, as an excuse to treat me not so kindly...but was only takig some motrin at the time...i really needed pain meds..and antidepressants...but i tried so hard not to depend on some medication...i have been on something since 2001...it has been difficult for me emotionally and physically...

    but here i am today...i am alive, it may not be where i want to be at but i can work on things slowly...

    you can to...so reach out for help...

  10. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Both by the issues we've had with our daughter (she was dx'd with mild autism a year ago, and while way better, is still quite challening), and now with the CFS that hubby refuses to believe is anything more than my not eating well enough or exercising. Things have gotten very ugly, to the point I am seriously evaluating my options. But honestly, we've had issues since day 1.

    Yes, hubby is sick of me being sick. Aren't we all? Like we hoped and prayed we'd be sidelined by all of this.

    I just don't know if our marriage can take this. As it is, I really am staying in large part out of security/needing financial support and housing and also in huge part because of our daughter (now 4 y.o). It is to the point hubby is traveling for work and I like it better with him gone, which is so sad but true. At least he isn't around to lay into me again. You can only take so much.

    Sorry to vent, and I really hope your situation is better. If you are still committed to making things work, do that. What does your husband say about your condition?

    Hope you find answers that work for you, and wishing you all the best,
    [This Message was Edited on 03/07/2006]
  11. natrlvr2

    natrlvr2 New Member

    The main reason we divorced was money.I used to make more money than him when I could work.He did not like that I was fighting for disability and no money coming in from me.He kept thinking I was making up all my ailments and diagnosises.(he even told the divorce judge)Of course it did nto help that his snobby family kept bragging about everything they owned and had.(of course,nothing was paid for-all charged)
    He thought I was stealing HIS money.LOL! I was paying the bills,LOL! IDIOT! The judge laughed at him when he told the judge I was stealing his money.He said that a stay at home mom works hard and never gets paid.
  12. lucita2k

    lucita2k New Member

    I've been officially diagnosed for eight months, but have had FMS for about 7 years, since my daughter was born (did the doctor run for a while). We've been married for 10 years, and I have to say, it's not very pretty right now. I've been going through a bad relapse, which led to the diagnosis and he hasn't been able to deal with it. We both work full time and I was of doing all the housework, paying the bills, laundry, taking care of the lawn/garden, and doing all the parenting. He would just go to work and work on the house. All of the stress led me to my downfall and I realized I could not continue to doing it all. We started seeing a therapist and he agreed to help me. Well, that was several months ago and things are still the same, him still not doing anything. He's been working a lot, or so he says, and we barely see him now. I suspect he may be seeing someone or choosing not to come home, since I've found bar receipts in his pockets. Everytime I call him to remind him of something or to say hi, he sounds annoyed and gets off the phone as soon as he can, even cutting me off several times. He never calls me. He's been coming home well after I'm in bed and is still sleeping when we leave for work and school.
    Yesterday, he had the day off so I asked him if he wanted to have dinner with us, which he hasn't done in two weeks. At the last minute, he called me to tell me he had to go to work to do a schedule. He didn't come home until midnight.
    I'm starting to second guess myself, was I too whiny? Do I complain too much about my pain? I know I've gained weight due to not being able to exercise as much anymore.
    Physically, I've improved a little and am able to go through the motions. Emotionally, I have no support system. I don't want to whine and complain all the time. I definitely can't say much at work, since I'm supposed to be productive. My friends don't understand the constant pain I'm in and why I would rather go home and try to muster up energy to do the laundry or cook something for my daughter. Or way I don't say how great I am, with smile and all, whenever they ask me how I'm doing today.
    So, I'm afraid I'm about to lose my husband, if he's not already lost. I don't know, I haven't talked or seen him to find out.
  13. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    but we had a long talk about this.He said:"first of all it's my choice that I'm staying here.I'm staying because I love you -you help people you love-you'd do it for me and I did say in sickness and in health" We can't make these decisions for them.We have to give them the respect that they are intelligent people and not push them away.
    If a spouse is running away it may be that it would have happened later in the marriage anyway.All of us get sick at some point in life.Linda
    [This Message was Edited on 03/07/2006]
  14. berrytired

    berrytired New Member

    I've been with mine for 20 years, I'm 39. On weekends if I'm not up to it he'll go out with his buddies and play poker or watch the hockey game! he's not a "bar" person so I don't have to worry about that...he does everything for me! but at the same time I force myself to do extra things for him in return...I'm not bedridden so as long as I'm walking I'm enjoying life the best with him but it does take a selfless person to be able to respect what your going through - I find.
  15. HppeandMe

    HppeandMe New Member

    I have read each and every reply from you all and I truly appreciate it! I think we are in a state right now where we are scared to death of losing the house and me not working. I am barely working and I don't know how I will pay the mortgage next month. It is just so darn hard!!!

    Thanks agai and much love to you all! Wouldn't it be great if we all lived in the same area so we could support each other!
  16. poodlemommy

    poodlemommy New Member

    I too changed alot after getting sick. I know my husband missed who I used to be. We did end up splitting up a year ago. He had addictions problems and thats where he ran during all of this. He did end up meeting a younger woman and is not happy at all. On the other hand Im really happy on my own. I dont have the stress and worry I had. Ive actually improved greatly. He is the one who is unhappy and wishes things were the way they used to be. Funny how life works out sometimes.
    hugs poodlemum
  17. kch64

    kch64 New Member

    Dear Hope.

    I know you're not feeling well but don't push your husband away. He's trying to love you, so let him. You'll regret it if he leaves. There will come a point when he will quit trying.


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