HAVE YOUR FAMILIES TURNED AGAINST YOU?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by baanders, Jun 12, 2006.

  1. baanders

    baanders New Member

    People would describe me as sweet, gentle, caring, and patient. I came down with FM when I was 28...now almost 34. Ever since I came down with the illness, my extended family, in-laws and my brother have abandoned me. There has been a sense of hatred, anger, ignorance, and disapproval towards me. I've actually had family members yell at me when I explained the illness and why I havn't been working. It's almost like they blame me or think I'm making it up. They have verbally abused me, won't talk to me, won't write a get well card, or just call me. Anyone been there? How can I cope?

    God bless you all.
    Rebecca
  2. Dolphin_lover

    Dolphin_lover New Member

    this disease is so cruel in so many ways. I am having a real problem with my Dad. The rest of my family is supportive and understanding (as much as you can understand without actually having this disease). I just started seeing a wonderful therapist and my Dad is one of the things we are discussing. Its called "boundaries". Sounds like you need some for the ignorant people in your life.

    Kind regards,
    Dolphin
  3. kholmes

    kholmes New Member

    Sorry your family has alienated you. I'm fortunate to have a family that is not totally sure about CFS, but is very supportive anyway. My father calls twice a week to see how I'm doing.

    It sounds like there are other issues involved; and that your in-laws might not be persuaded by any logical reasoning or evidence for your illness--i.e. the new documentary on FM, the latest CDC findings, etc. Still, it might be worth it to try.

    Sometimes, if worse comes to worst, we need to look for family elsewhere; on this site, for example.

    Kholmes
    [This Message was Edited on 06/12/2006]
  4. dleaning

    dleaning New Member

    Hi Rebecca,

    How horrible!!! Why should they abandon you when you need them the most? No, I can't say that has happened to me (thank God!). I hear the usual just exercise, or think positive, go to bed earlier....ect.

    I would say they are the ones who will be sorry one day! It's their loss, not yours!!

    Hang in there, OK? Let us know how you are doing.

    Dawn
  5. painandagony

    painandagony New Member

    My brother didn't understand it for years (3) to be exact. I finally had it out with him, I lost it and started balling and yelling and screaming about how horrible my life is....and then I went and got my 30 CFIDS journals and told him to read them if he wanted to know what CFS is all about. Since then he has been on board. We still aren't close but he totally figured it out that night. He also then talked to his girlfriend at the time who is a nurse and she helped him to see the light.

    Also, your husband should try talking to his parents. (your in-laws are problematic right?) My husband had to answer his mom's questions about me once and then she luckily understood. Even if the in-laws don't "get it" your husband should tell them to cool it and treat you with some respect.

    good luck, this is never easy....
  6. baanders

    baanders New Member

    Thank you all. I hope I get more responses. It sounds like I'm the only one who has it really bad. (Most of my extended family is medically ignorant...many believe in old wives tales and "If you're suffering...you're a sinner." ) Only 1 cousin understands me and loves me because she is a nurse. I do have a very supportive husband. I am blessed. He did hurt me very badly when we were dating and did not stick up for me when his mother and father made rude remarks about the illness ("We don't get that illness in Germany"... and talking behind my back in German). He regrets that and now the consequence is that they cannot see him. My mother, father, and twin sister are very, very kind to me. I hope this info helps. I have practiced "boundaries" and am seeing a therapist. My husband and she say "Those people don't matter." I just don't reach out to those people...only in Christmas cards. I still get horrible nightmares about the large extended folks that have rejected me.

    Rebecca
  7. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    My Dad will not acknowledge my illness and my Mum thinks anything I have she has or worse - she is lovely at times but very self-absorbed. Although we get on better now, there were times I hated them for their rejection of my need for support, love and kindness.

    My in-laws are a bit different. FIL does not talk to me about it but is always nice to me, MIL thinks she gets it but doesn't...LOL and consequently makes insensitive remarks often and is not very gentle with me.

    My hubby can be amazing and he can sometimes act the spoilt brat who is missing out on life and lashing out at me for it.

    I have a sister who has been wonderful throughout my illness and a good friend who also has this illness.

    That's my life and I have been ill a long time - 18 years and counting!

    I am trying to learn to be less sensitive and not to expect much from my family but to rely on support from those who I know are always there for me like my sister, friend and this board.

    Hang in there - we care about you and totally understand,

    Hugs

    Bunchy xxx
  8. fmscfids

    fmscfids New Member

    It never ceases to amaze me how down right mean and uncaring some family members are to others. In my own case, I think that there are just "toxic" people who happened to be(unfortunately) related. When we become ill with something like FM, we may look "ok" and therefore aren't believed and sometimes I think these folk would actually like to "punish" us, and further our pain, for God only knows what reasons why...they have their own secret adgendas or some covert evil going on inside. Chances are your in-laws (I now call mine OUT-LAWS), would behave badly, no matter what. Just remember, "actions speak louder than words".

    I've been putting up with my Out-Laws for 24 years now and it's gotten to the point (after their last demonstration of un-love), that I've just got to let them go for my own sake, and to lower my stress levels which they've really pushed over the top. There are plenty of strangers out there in the world who will be mean to us in a heartbeat, let alone family.... just AVOID them at all costs. Don't beat a dead horse as they say....especially if it "stinks", it's time to bury the thing.

    In my own case, this time they were really unkind to my daughter ... who had just graduated High School. First of all my sister-in-law invited herself to town, which would have been ok, I guess, she knew I was not doing well. Then she invited my Mother-In-Law, which was stupid as MIL has a bad habit of accepting airline tickets and as soon as the ink is dry, she has a crisis and can't come (old story, it's been done before as long as she's not paying, she's old but she's manipulative). Then she also invited my other sister in law...so suddenly I'm trying to somewhat prepare to entertain 3 people I didn't plan on and plan a party that would have just been a small immediate family thing. Instead, my husband had to take a day off work to accomodate their schedule, my daugter had to take a day off and all the etc., that goes along with it. It's taken me 2 full weeks to recover from the stress and extra running around that I'm frankly not well enough to do, because of their "plans".

    My Mother In Law, never bothered to tell us she decided not to board the plane, we found out after it got here. My sister in laws (my daugter's Aunts) who were supposed to be here at 2pm after all the preparation, never called or showed up until about 5PM when we were calling hosptitals to see if there had been an accident. My husband could have worked that day. No one ever did apologize to my daughter....all the work and time taken off work for that! Oh, they were 3 hours late because they were getting PEDICURES! I thought those were available everywhere, but a Niece/Grand-daughter only graduates HS once. I have no idea why they even bothered to fly all the way here, just to disappoint their Niece and stress me out??

    The greatest thing about it is that this will NEVER happen to me again because none of them are welcome in my world anymore....I've had enough of 24 years of this type of thing. When you've have had enough, coping will be easy, it's like something "snaps" and you just don't care anymore. In my case at least they live in another state...my husband and I would probably be divorced by now if they lived any closer.

    Hang in there....and stay away from them, they sound like their are not going to start being nice anytime soon.


  9. fmscfids

    fmscfids New Member

    It never ceases to amaze me how down right mean and uncaring some family members are to others. In my own case, I think that there are just "toxic" people who happened to be(unfortunately) related. When we become ill with something like FM, we may look "ok" and therefore aren't believed and sometimes I think these folk would actually like to "punish" us, and further our pain, for God only knows what reasons why...they have their own secret adgendas or some covert evil going on inside. Chances are your in-laws (I now call mine OUT-LAWS), would behave badly, no matter what. Just remember, "actions speak louder than words".

    I've been putting up with my Out-Laws for 24 years now and it's gotten to the point (after their last demonstration of un-love), that I've just got to let them go for my own sake, and to lower my stress levels which they've really pushed over the top. There are plenty of strangers out there in the world who will be mean to us in a heartbeat, let alone family.... just AVOID them at all costs. Don't beat a dead horse as they say....especially if it "stinks", it's time to bury the thing.

    In my own case, this time they were really unkind to my daughter ... who had just graduated High School. First of all my sister-in-law invited herself to town, which would have been ok, I guess, she knew I was not doing well. Then she invited my Mother-In-Law, which was stupid as MIL has a bad habit of accepting airline tickets and as soon as the ink is dry, she has a crisis and can't come (old story, it's been done before as long as she's not paying, she's old but she's manipulative). Then she also invited my other sister in law...so suddenly I'm trying to somewhat prepare to entertain 3 people I didn't plan on and plan a party that would have just been a small immediate family thing. Instead, my husband had to take a day off work to accomodate their schedule, my daugter had to take a day off and all the etc., that goes along with it. It's taken me 2 full weeks to recover from the stress and extra running around that I'm frankly not well enough to do, because of their "plans".

    My Mother In Law, never bothered to tell us she decided not to board the plane, we found out after it got here. My sister in laws (my daugter's Aunts) who were supposed to be here at 2pm after all the preparation, never called or showed up until about 5PM when we were calling hosptitals to see if there had been an accident. My husband could have worked that day. No one ever did apologize to my daughter....all the work and time taken off work for that! Oh, they were 3 hours late because they were getting PEDICURES! I thought those were available everywhere, but a Niece/Grand-daughter only graduates HS once. I have no idea why they even bothered to fly all the way here, just to disappoint their Niece and stress me out??

    The greatest thing about it is that this will NEVER happen to me again because none of them are welcome in my world anymore....I've had enough of 24 years of this type of thing. When you've have had enough, coping will be easy, it's like something "snaps" and you just don't care anymore. In my case at least they live in another state...my husband and I would probably be divorced by now if they lived any closer.

    Hang in there....and stay away from them, they sound like their are not going to start being nice anytime soon.


  10. baanders

    baanders New Member

    Rebecca here again :)

    For some of us, yes, in-laws have made their minds up to be nasty. My therapist says that they are miserable people and are unhappy in general. I want to let the last few responders know that. And yes, I will avoid them at all cost!

    It was really hard when I was bedridden at 29, not knowing what FM was. NO ONE REACHED OUT TO ME!!!! IF ONLY I KNEW THAT A VERY NICE HUSBAND WOULD COME INTO MY LIFE WHO WAS CARING...FOR SOME REASON I CANNOT UNDERSTAND.

    Many of my relatives were my best friends...since I was young. So true as it has been mentioned that some think that I look normal, therefore I do not suffer...what sick philosophy.

    The last time I saw my cousins at a big gathering, I was crying due to a medication side-effect. They just ignored me and talked about me, except for one Aunt who hugged me. She no longer talks to me because she had some strokes. I've called that family by phone to reach out...my cousin answered the phone and nervously laughed in my ear. She was one of those that snapped at me when I first told her about the illness. Her sister's first response was, "So I guess you'll be living with this for the rest of your life." They are in their early 50's.

    Sound familiar?
    Rebecca

  11. 121043

    121043 New Member

    I have 2 daughters & 2 sons. The daughters were at my house 4 months ago,the oldest 46 years old had been treating me shabily for some time,the other who is 42 has always done so.My Mother is 91 and almost a complete invalid lives with me and I am responsible for all of her care. I had some business I had to take care of the next day,and mentioned I might have to get a sitter to stay with her while I was gone. Pam the oldest rolled her eyes at me and accused me of treating my Mother like a burden.

    Mother has lived with me for 12 years,had a broken hip and 2 broken shoulders,she has emphysema and has been hospitalized numerous times. My husband and I take excellent care of her and she is treated like a queen.
    We consider it an honor to take care of such a kind and loving wonderful person.That said I myself have Fibro /Cfs
    and have had 2 heart attacks in 14 months. My husband also has heart problems .

    My daughters have never offered to help me with anything
    They did come visit mother occasionally.She was always very good to my children.

    I lost control when she told me I treated Mother like a burden,nothing could be further from the truth! I told her to not ever say that to me again and not to roll her eyes at me like I am an idiot. Both of them jumped on me verbally
    and this went on for almost 2 hours.They told me they knew a woman that had fibro and she still worked a full time job. Well so do I,but I also know some who are in wheel chairs or bed fast or somewhere in between.They think it is awful for me to lay down and rest after bathing and dressing mother and fixing her meals cleaning her room. I do everything for her ,she can not.Yes I am exhausted and in pain,so I have to stretch out on the bed for a rest,but they said that might hurt mothers feelings.

    The thing is they do not want to have to set with her if I have to leave the house on business maybe once a month.
    While this abuse was going on,after so long I called my husband and he told them to leave the house before they caused me to have another heart attack,I had only been out of the hospital 2 weeks from my second one. They finally left after telling me they would never take care of me the way I do Mother.Actually I would rather do away with myself
    than to think they were the ones to see after me.

    My Sons and daughter-in-laws do what they can to help,but they all have jobs and small children. The daughters have niether.They no longer call Mother or me.It is so strange they are the children I have helped in every way,even raised thier children,and still support 2 of them.

    I will never understand them and I would not like to have on my conscience what they must.
    Loretta


    Sorry this was so long
  12. baanders

    baanders New Member

    have your daughters treated you so horribly after you have raised them? I'm not quite sure...did you mention that you helped raise your grandchildren?

    May God bless you for taking care of your mother while you suffer. You sound like a saint. Somehow, it sounds like your children have been influenced by the evil in this world. They do not sound understanding at all. They have disobeyed the 4th commandment.

    Baanders
  13. baanders

    baanders New Member

    for being my family on-line. I love you. God bless you. My prayers are with you.

    Baanders. AKA Rebecca
  14. baanders

    baanders New Member

    your picture. You look so sweet. I'm happy for you, that you have 2 children. Please pray that I will be able to have children one day.

    baanders
  15. baanders

    baanders New Member

    We have a lot in common...our ages. I used to be an Occupational Therapist. I'm proud of you for speaking up to your brother. I'm too shy. My mom tried to explain about the illness, but my brother said he felt hurt that I wouldn't comfort him when I was bedridden. Strange.

    Rebecca
  16. baanders

    baanders New Member

    We have a lot in common...our ages. I used to be an Occupational Therapist. I'm proud of you for speaking up to your brother. I'm too shy. My mom tried to explain about the illness, but my brother said he felt hurt that I wouldn't comfort him when I was bedridden. Strange.

    Rebecca
  17. baanders

    baanders New Member

    I don't understand why your immediate family is so selfish. Next time they get the flu, tell them that's what this feels like. I believe that God will deal with all of these people. I believe that we are compassionate people because we are patient and can comfort one another.

    Baanders aka Rebecca
  18. baanders

    baanders New Member

    Your out-laws are insane. I wonder if any of them are mentally ill. Seriously. There are probably things about your crazy in laws that you would never know about. Maybe they are jealous of you because you're pretty or have children. Maybe they don't see the illness and only see the blessings in your life and hate you for it. Only God knows.

    Baanders. AKA Rebecca. God bless you.
  19. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    What role did you play in the family before you became ill? What kind of life did you have? In my family, I was the one who did it all. I organized the family reunions. I was the one who got on a plane to visit my sisters and parents. If anyone had a problem, they would call me for advice. Now we hardly ever see one another because I can't travel. But, they do support me and don't mistreat me.

    I just wondered if you played a similar role in your family and if now they are just missing the person you used to be and missing the things you used to do for the family. If that is the case, it certainly doesn't excuse their behavior.

    Lolalee
  20. mrpain

    mrpain New Member

    Nobody should abandoned you...They should try to be patient and work on trying to understand at least your symptoms and later the disease. Of course, I have it and I don't even understand it..

    I just know I'm sick and I'm trying to get well as I try to understand it...

    My family is kind of supportive, but they certainly don't have a clue what's going on or how bad the pain and fatigue is... Not to mention the other ton of symptoms. Take care of yourself and I'll certainly be praying for you..........