Having a rough time...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Grandma6, Nov 19, 2005.

  1. Grandma6

    Grandma6 New Member

    Hey All,
    I haven't been on the boards lately. One reason is I am in a major flare-up and the other is the Holidays. This is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Mom, she passed away a few months ago, and I'm really having a tough time. I catch myself crying a lot and I'm having a lot of dreams about my Folks. My siblings and I are still going through the farm where my folks lived. We were to all meet there today but I couldn't even get out of bed to go to the bathroom without my cane and then it took all I had to make it back to bed so my hubby called my brother this morning and told him I could not make it. I hated not going out there but between the pain and the stress of it all, hubby said I needed to rest today.

    How does one get through the Holidays or any other day after loosing ones folks? It's got me really down and I don't even want to have Christmas this year. I have my beautiful grand kids and I haven't bought one thing yet for Christmas and besides not physically feeling up to it, I don't mentally feel up to it. It's not like the grand kids are old enough to understand either. If they were older, (like teenagers), I would just explain to them but they are all still so young and still believe in Santa.

    I know there is not anything ya'll can do except to keep me in your prayers but I just needed to share this with someone.

    We also lost two of our friends this last week when their house exploded at 4:00 AM from a gas leak while they were sleeping. This has had me upset also. They were two of the kindest folk you would ever meet and it is such a waste to loose people like this. Please keep their children and grand children in your prayers.

    Have a nice Thanksgiving,
  2. WoodstocksMusic

    WoodstocksMusic New Member

    I am so sorry to hear that you are so sad. I lost my mother 22 years ago now...she was only 42 and I was 22 at the time.

    I can tell you that from my experience you will always miss her, but with time the tears will slowly stop and you will one day be able to think about only the greatest of times you had...and those times will eventually be sweet memories instead of memories that leave you in puddles of tears.

    There is a book (you may have to get a bookstore to order it for you if your interested) that helped me tremendously. It was very hard to read however and I usually only read a few pages at a time.

    The name of the book is "Motherless Daughters" the author is Hope Edleman and the ISBN 0-385-31438-8 (you will need the isbn if you order it)

    This is not a christian book and has some rough language because she did a lot of interviews of daughters who lost their mothers...and she quoted them when telling their stories....because not all are christians as you can imagine some would use foul language to describe their feelings.

    ...some of those interviewed lost mothers to drugs, some to divorce, some to suicide...some daughters were small children at the time and some were grandmothers themselves when they lost their mother.

    ...but a prevailing feeling is found in the book and that is that in everyone of us is the feeling that nobody knows how I feel.

    ... and long before I read this book I would say often that I did not even know how my 4 sisters felt at the time of mothers death because each one of us lost a different person when we lost our mother.

    ...I was grown and married, while my baby sister was only 13. Her needs were different then mine at the time so I could not possibly know how she really felt...

    Even further thinking about it made me realize that had we been the same age I still would not know how she was feeling and how it effected her because each person is different and therefore you never can say I know how you feel...it just is not possible to truly know how another person feels.

    I have learned to simply say I remember how bad it hurt me to lose my mother and I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now. I also tell friends who lose there mother that I am here to listen if they ever want to talk about their mother. I have bonds with several women in my community who have also lost mothers...this is a time when few know what your feeling and it is good to have someone that knows something about some of your feelings.

    This book does just that...you read it and think the whole time "I thought that was just me feeling this way....I thought I was strange...or orther similar thoughts that you find expressed by these other motherless daughters..

    I really can't say enough about this book! It is where I first found out how to grieve and then how to begin to live without my mother. This book taught me how to understand grief...not as a passage but as an ongoing journey and how my present day relationships are defined by my past losses.

    I wish I could wrap you up in a warm hug right now. I hope you can find and feel that warmness in hugging your own precious grandbabies. Take care and do not fret over the meloncholy feelings when they come...stop and give yourself some time to grieve when it happens...then move your thoughts to the precious lives that your mother gave birth to...you...your children...your grandchildren are all a leagacy of your precious mother...

    On my mothers headstone it says "to live in the hearts of the ones you love means never to die..." our mohters will live on as long as we keep their memories alive in our hearts! So cry now and do not be ashamed of the tears...but also find time to dry those tears and tell her great great grandchildren all the stories you can remember you mother telling you...help them to get to know her as well as you do!
  3. bubblesgirl

    bubblesgirl New Member

    I am sorry you are feeling so down, you were so sad the last time you posted,it's only natural to feel so lonely and lost after a bereavement. It doesn't matter how old we are, the same painful loss affects us.

    I would guess that your granchildren will be sensitive to your feelings right now. Most children have an acute sense of emotions when a grown up is not feeling on top of the world. Extra hugs and kisses will help them understand that it's you, not them, that needs the hugs right now.

    Maybe your family could organise your festivities for you,ask, they may enjoy it. My family found that keeping the memories of the departed ones alive keeps them real and keeps them with us. It makes us cry but that is fine.

    My sister in law's family never talk about their family members and this places a real strain on everyone, I can't cope with that. Special people in our lives deserve special mention. At festivities,we always drink a toast to absent family members. My neice who was two when my father died looked up to the sky one night when she was with my mother and said grandpa is on a wishing star, I can see him waving. My mother with tears in her eyes hugged Charlotte and said that was lovely. Charlotte said yes he is wishing he was here,but he can't be,so he is going to meet with other people who are on wishing stars and they will light up our world for us.

    This helped the grown ups, and we have never forgotten it.
    I sometimes wish I could see the world again from that perspective.

    My thoughts and prayers for you and everyone of your relatives and friends who are helping to light up our world.

  4. XKathiX

    XKathiX New Member

    Hi Grandma,

    We share the same date of birth - March 2nd! I was born in 1965.

    My dad died 5 years ago and he was the first person in my life to die that I really cared about. I have no grandparents any more but I wasn't close to any of them either.

    My dad died on October 2nd, his 69th birthday would have been 2 days later on the 4th. Then November 5th would have been my parents 45th wedding anniverary, then Thanksgiving, Xmas, etc. Then it all starts all over again. I just came back from Florida from a family reunion because we all went down for what would have been my parents 50th wedding anniversary.

    What I didn't realize when my dad was sick that I realize now is that I'm almost glad we had time to prepare. He was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow) after being misdiagnosed for 9 months as having fibromyalgia. He almost died soon after diagnosis, but with chemotherapy and radiation he was able to get off of hospice. He couldn't play golf or drive, but he could read his newspaper, go out with my mom (loved people watching at the mall) and play on the computer.

    We had 4 years together after he became ill and in those four years I was able to spend quality time with my dad. It's kind of sad that it takes something like that to get over any bitter memories you may have had. By the time my dad died I was able to let him go with peace in my heart. There was sadness too but not devastation.

    On the holidays I usually get sad when I think of a happy memory of him. Then I talk to him and tell him what I'm remembering and that it makes me sad to think of it. Then I go on with the rest of my day. I find that if I acknowledge what's making me sad and talk to him then I'm okay.

    I don't know if this will help you or not, but it can get easier. There will always be periods of sadness or hurt, but for the most part it does get alot better.

  5. diva2mi

    diva2mi New Member

    I wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through all of this. The holidays are the hardest. My mother passed away 9 1/2 years ago due to cancer. The most difficult thing for me to deal with is the guilt that I may not have supported her enough (was in my senior year of college) and that I may not have told her that I loved her enough.

    My mother's mother passed away last year at 99 and the holidays haven't been the same. She would always send a card for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, etc.

    The grief does lessen over the years and I only cry a few times a year now. On my really low days and my birthday and my mother's birthday. She was the one of my bright stars in my life. We disagreed about everything on this green earth, but there was a strong bond between us. I still feel her presence sometimes when I have to make a tough decision.

    The isn't really much you can actively do, other than pray for God to take your grief away so you can remember the good times. Also, honor your Mother with a small prayer at Thanksgiving and Christmas or any other holiday you may celebrate. Since so many of my family have passed on, including members of my step-family whom I adored, we say a prayer out loud for all those who have passed on in this life and to those who are still around, so that we may treasure every moment with them. It is amazing what peace I get when I think of my mother, I know that she isn't suffering any more physically... maybe just from stupid errors that I make on a day to day basis (LOL) ... she watches over me still.

    I am sorry for the length of this post (seem to be saying that alot lately) but hope that this helps a little. Plus, I am going to read the Motherless Daughters book that someone has already mentioned, some great ideas on this board!


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