Since I lost my job last thursday, I have been dealing with ALOT of anger, resentment, fear and extremely low self esteem. Today, after stretching the buck in our accounts paying the bills, I lost it. Going over the finances and paying what little bills I could pay was the catalyst to my break down. I broke down in front of hubby and told him I was PETRIFIED of getting ANOTHER job where Id be mistreated and misled to believe that "everything was ok". If theres one thing I am learning its that nothing is a sure thing in life. I had relief fron the Fibro for the past few weeks and now for three days straight I am in agony, Im exhausted, and I cant stand what I feel right now. I was so upset today I couldnt breathe. The feeeling and onset of such an overwhelming anxiety attack and panick attack was a feeling I havent felt in a very long time. My husband looked on as I fell apart and lost it. He didnt know what to do other than everytime I told him what a loser I am and what a bad person I must be, what a failure I am, he told me that I was a great person, how much I deserved so much better, and how much he loved me and everything would be ok. I cant begin to tell you the fear I feel knowing that financially things are going to be really tough for us.....emotionally things will be extremely difficult for me because of the fact that fear is paralyzing me at this point. I am still reaidng my book "A Purpose Driven Life" and it does help me striaghten my thinking out, but today it was not help. When I lost it in front of Hubby I sobbed and I wished horrible things on my ex-boss and his wife. Im NEVER like that....I truly believe when you wish horrible things on another person that it back fires and happens to you. I also KNOW IN MY HEART that a true and a good Christian would NEVER say what I said. And I also know that a good Christian would be able to hand it all over to God and not sit and worry as I am doing so much of. These things I am ashamed of admitting to all of you, but I need to admit it and ask for forgiveness. Everyday I ask God to just take over and take control because I am weak and it is not in my power to try to control things that are meant to be left up to the Lord. If I am asking God every step of the way for his help and I am handing everything over to him every second of the day then why am I struggling such a great deal with all this that I can not control? Can someone PLEASE tell me what I am doing wrong? Someone please tell me how to deal with my anger, my self-esteem issues and now my lack of trust for ANYONE in the working environment? I have been thru so much with the past 2 jobs that I feel so defeated and it has changed me in the worst way. Can it really mean that I am truly a failure? Im at my end of my rope. I cant stand the way I feel or the bitterness that haunts me and destroys the goodness in me. How could I possibly go on feeling this horrible? Im praying every possible momment I can think of...shouldnt I feel some sort of peace of mind, peace of heart, peace of inner spirit?