hbic---a Mother's Point of View

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by karen2002, Dec 17, 2002.

  1. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    It seems that this thread has been deleted. I am sorry to hear how angry and upset you are. I know these disorders can make us feel that way. I answered your initial post and spent a great deal of thought and time in my reply to you. I did want you to read this from a mother's perspective.

    A Mother's Point of View 12/18/02 06:57 AM

    Perhaps a differing viewpoint will help in this. I feel I am probably a little younger than your mother---but I have grown kids your age, two children still at home, and grandchildren, as well.

    Parents don't mind helping their grown children. I am thankful that at times I do have the resources to help them, when the need arises.
    That being said--my grown children have made some poor choices (as we all do through out life). They decided to throw caution to the wind, and both ended up being married with children when they were VERY young. Of course being young and inexperienced, they found themselves in precarious predicaments. The first married and had children with a young girl, that had no desire to be a mom. She has since abandoned the wife and mother role. Now my son is raising two beautiful children on his own. The second, a daughter, fell in love with a "bad boy" who wanted to party, and made two babies with her. Again, he is out of the picture after 5 years. She finds herself with two adorable children to raise, by herself.

    Are their lives hard? Hell, yes! I don't throw their mistakes up in their faces, but I do at times tell them they are both adults now, and must take care of themselves and the children they have brought into the world.
    Grandma is here to help out when she can, but there comes a time when children must be accountable, and realize that we "aging" mothers don't have the energy and abilities we once had. We also have to look out for our health, and finances to tide us over in our old age, so we don't have to be a financial drain on someone else.

    Prior to the onset of my FM/CFS I was the "daycare" for my four grandchildren (ages 2,3,4, and 5).
    Add to that equation that I still have a 12, and a 15 year old, still at home, that I am homeschooling. After a year of this my health fell apart. I had to say--No more, you simply must find daycare for your children.

    As far as financial help---yes, I have done my share of that. I have given them each one of my cars and gone without myself so they could get to work. I have paid car payments, rent, electric bills, bought food, clothed children. I have been there for them, many times in the past.

    I have done without, and so have the two children, I am still raising at home. There comes a time, with all children, though, that they must fend for themselves. They must take responsibility for themselves and the family they created. Parents don't mind helping out in a time of emergency, or need. To daily expect them to care for you is another thing. That is taking advantage of someone's love for you. Believe it or not, when I finally had to say..."guys I love you, and my grandchildren with all my heart, but you are grown now, and must really take charge of your own lives", you would be surprised at the ingenuity, perserverance, and abilities that they dug down deep and found. Looking back, I now think I was doing them a disservice by allowing them to be so dependant on me.

    Now when they come to me with financial problems, instead of me immediately reaching for the checkbook, we sit down, and we lay out the options on how they can help themselves, whether through cutting expenses, adding income, budgeting, all of the things they should have been learning all along.
    I am a good manager of finances, they come to me for advice now, not a handout. They are much more secure in themselves, for having the ability to care for themselves. Now you might say, these two grown children at least had their health--yes they did. But they also had other disabilities that roadblocked them along the way. We live in a small rural community, where there are no jobs, no daycare, etc., but they have managed. It can be done, resources are available.

    Since May of this year, I myself have now acrued $30,000.00 in Medical Expenses, for myself. I can assure you, I do not have this kind of money. I did not go to my parents, or my inlaws. My parents and in laws have savings, and stocks that you mentioned your mother has. That is there, so that they may cover there OWN expenses, now that they are at the end of their income making abilities. You mention your mom having 120K in stock---that is nothing nowdays. Do you know how fast a nursing home for her and her spouse could eat that up. There are many hospices which in peoples last days are not covered by insurance--they are really pricey. Burial costs a mint. Add to that increased longetivity, and that money she has saved could be eaten up in just a few years of living expenses alone.

    I have no insurance, never have, as I am self employed, and never could afford that luxury. I was not about to ask my elderly relatives to dip into their retirement and savings, when I began incurring huge medical bills. I am totally unable to work, now, and provide an income---so I have used the resources available, there is no shame in that, to help pay off some of these medical bills. There are resources available. We each cannot expect our loved ones to go above and beyond, hurting their own finances that they are dependent on---to care for us, and our misfortune.
    To "expect" this financial support, and your mom to raise your children, as you said in your previous post, is not looking out for your mom's best interests. You mention that caring and support is what family is all about. Then you must adapt the attitude that your mother's needs come first, before yours, if you hold this true. You do not know what tommorrow or the next day may bring for her---she needs these resources. You need to develop your own. I know this is hard when you feel so badly each day. Taken in small steps, one day at a time, though, you can make advances.
    Karen


  2. Grams

    Grams New Member

    I help my adult children with free babysitting for THEIR babies, unconditional love, support, encouragement, praise, and I don't give advice or opinions unless asked.

    Well, I did tell my children, before they had any of their own babies, that no back talk or sassiness or profanity or using God's name in vain would ever be allowed in my home. Of course, they already knew that rule.:)

    Our children have never asked for financial help in any way, because they know that we have our own financial struggles. In fact, when they were working in stores like Walmart, they would offer to buy items for me and get their discount so that I could save money.

    We are very proud of our children, and I thank the Lord daily that they blessed our lives. Sometimes I thank Him hourly.

    I'm editing to add that I give/gave my children the money to purchase the items and their discount was an added bonus for me. :)
    [This Message was Edited on 12/18/2002]
  3. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Can't beat us grandmas! And you sound like a great one!
    God has blessed you with such a wonderful family, because you were such a great mom---more precious than rubies :)
    Karen
  4. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    "Mam-mama" and my children allow me to love them all I want and send them back home when I am ready to! I am never used or abused and my children offer to help ME now; I choose not to accept their financial help, but it is so sweet to have them offer!
    We did OK, huh????
    Love,
    Kady
  5. Kay2

    Kay2 New Member

    You did very good at this!!!! I have never used my parents for anything. I raised 2 kids on my own. I would NEVER think of taking my kids to my moms if they were sick. Hey the way I look at it, is if you have kids it is your responsibility to raise them. I cant imagine wanting her mom to use her 401-k also it doesn't matter how much money her mom makes its none of her business!!1 Its her moms. She worked hard for it. Sounds like someone is very spoiled and demanding! How sad!!! Poor mom. What if her mom wasn't around? Who would she use next? I hope I dont sound rude, I sure dont mean to be, but this just makes my blood boil. I also noticed you said you have no health insurance. Please g into health care question that was posted. I posted something on this. Linda
  6. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I'm not a Grandma yet, but these thoughts are applicable to all of us with families! Very well said & thoughtfully written.....I hope many of us read it.

    Hugs,
    Pam
  7. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    I found the post on health insurance---but unfortunately a year or so ago--this would have been a possibility. I don't think there is a chance in a million, at this time that I could find an insurance carrier. I have other med. probs besides cfs/fms that would prevent this. Thank you so much though, for mentioning it.
    Karen
  8. LauraLea

    LauraLea New Member

    I am an adult part-time caregiver for my mom who is afficted with Alzheimer's. She is lives in an assisted living community. You are right how fast the money goes, all of us kids pitch in and still the have to scrape together enough money to pay her few little bills.

    Don't take for granit that your parents will always be well enough to take care of themselves. The best thing your parent can do for you is to have enough money saved to pay for their own care. Trust me it's expensive and a BIG drain on the family....