Help! At the end of my rope

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by wolflake46, Mar 15, 2003.

  1. wolflake46

    wolflake46 New Member

    Hello fellow Fibro friends,
    I don't know what to do anymore. I am soooo alone here. My so called husband is being a real ass about everything says I am nothing but a crab 24/7 but I told him if he had pain everyday I think he would be too. He has no compasion what so ever for what I am going through. Stays out all hours of the night, so times doesn't even bother to come home, and when I ask him where he was at he offers no explaination whatsoever. He's mad because I never want to do anyting with him or go anywhere with him, but his idea of a night out is going to a bar and getting drunk, I'm just really depressed about the whole situation. I work full time and on the weekands all I want to do is rest and give my body some healing time, is there anything wrong with that? I think he is being very selfish and self centered. He is selfemployed so he can stay out late and it doesn't matter what time he crawls out of bed. He does nothing around here to help me out. All I seem to do is cry alot lately when I'm by myself which is often. Well thanks for letting me vent, I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

    Diane
  2. teawah

    teawah New Member

    is it not okay to feel sorry for yourself? That sounds like a real crappy deal to me and I sure would feel sorry for myself if I were in your shoes. Not that i am making excuses for him but just to be the devils advocate I will throw out this.
    When he married you he probably had this idea in his little mind as to how things in the marriage were goin to go. Let's face it, our illness is not only devastating to us but it devastates our whole family. When things didn't go his way he started to greive. Men always greive differently than we do. Most of the time they can't even admit or even recognize that this is what is going on with them. It sounds to me like he is dealing with something. I could be way off base but maybe? Usually when we don't know how to deal with something, we RUN. Maybe he is running. Have you tried to get to your own gut and then just be totally real with him as to what you NEED from HIM? I have most recently had to do that with my husband and in my case it worked out very well. He was feeling rejected by the way I would push him off me when he would try to throw his leg over me or hold me in bed and I had to finally tell him that as much as it hurt him to be rejected, it tore me up inside to push him away when all I really wanted to do was be held. I also told him that as much as liveng with me is a pain in the A** sometimes, that I was really grateful that he wasn't in my skin because I HATE to live in this skin. He finally gets it but it took me letting down my defenses and anger and getting gut honest with him. That's hard. I hate to cry (although I do it so much) and I had to just let the tears flow in front of him. I had to stop being so tuff and angry and for a moment let him know that I was still the soft female that ALL men want to be the knight in shining armor to.
    I really hope that you get things worked out for you and I just wanted to tell you that I feel like a cry baby most of the time and that's why my icon always is sucking a pacifier.:) I hope this helps you somewhat. In the meantime, take a hot bubblebath and do something for YOURSELF. That has to be the priority for us. In the end we only have ourselves to rely on. Everyone else is human and we know that they are not perfect.
    One last thing. Do you know WHO taught your husband HOW to communicate? My guess, no one. Keep your chin up.
    (((((hugs)))))
    teawah
  3. jeanderek

    jeanderek New Member

    HE IS A FRIGGIN JERK and you deserve BETTER. Its like I told a girlfriend of mine "YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF" you don't have to have a friggin man to help you get there. I know its hard when you get use to having someone around and you kinda depend on them even if they are not good for you. The fact is as humans we don't like change and its hard for us to accept it, but girl you gotta get outta this. Send him back to his momma or what ever you gotta do. You don't have to accept his behavior and the longer you keep taking it the more he is going to think he can get away with. I don't know if this is just me or not but I would have done put a hurt on him. He wouldn't have to stay out all night but once and he better not walk through that door or he might get an ashtray up side the head but hey that is just me lol. I feel bad for you I know its hard but like I said you deserve so much better. This illness is so hard on us as it is we don't need the stress of a jackhole adding to it.
    Sorry If I am to blunt but I just hate men like that and you are worth so much more.

    hugs sweetie,
    Jeanna
  4. Peechea

    Peechea New Member

    It must be hard on the both of you....but he has got to realize that if he truly loves you and wants to stay married to you, he has some growing up to do. With Fibro you do have to take care of yourself a little more, most people do that "have a chronic illness". You have to take care of you so you can have some sort of life but he has no excuse for being so self-centered. Going out to party isn't a chronic illness. It's a cop-out if you ask me. There is nothing wrong with going out once in a while; I understand everyone needs time for themselves but he has to start helping out a little more, to help keep the house a home and to help you prvent a flare-up. If he doesn't, I wouldn't give him the privelege of staying married to you. You have enough to deal with, with FM, besides having to worry about him and pick up after him. Maybe you should seek some outside help to work through some of the issues and grievances you both may be experiencing because of this stupid disease...Good Luck.
    Happy Hugs, Peechea
    [This Message was Edited on 03/16/2003]
  5. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    I know getting "rid" of someone is not that cut and dried or easy to do.
    Few of us get rid of the person we're
    married to or even living with without a lot of thought and in the end pain. When you are already in pain the thought of more pain is hard. But..this joker is giving you
    nothing but grief. I don't care if he's "grieving" and it doesn't sound
    like he's doing much of that. If he's
    out all night, there's trouble with a
    capital T. I join our friend in the ash tray embeded in his head, but I
    wouldn't dare get that angry for his
    sake or mine. You can try talking to him but he sounds like a selfish oaf
    who will not "get it" in this lifetime. Everyone can change so give
    it a try..but I'd be making an exit
    plan! Hugs, Bambi
  6. teller7

    teller7 New Member

    Man girl I really feel for you. Wish with all my heart that I could help you. Things a just the opposite for me. I've been married for 30 years and worked full time till all this happened. I would come home from work and think why isn't he getting off his butt and helping me. I would bitch some and you know how they always get defensive. Well, when I got so bad in January he really got scared. Both he and I thought I was dying. I was so weak and out of my head and that man carried me to the bathroom held me on the toilet. He even put me in the bathtub and one night he shaved my legs for me. I'll love him forever for that. He's definitely not a cook, but we manage most of the time. This stuff makes you more emotional and I break down alot and he's right there for me. Wish all of you could have someone that understanding. I hope he keeps it up. It's only been 2 months since I've been so bad. I'll tell you what though. I agree with all the other people who answered you. You don't need to go through that. If that happened to me I would be gone fast. Then there's the part where would you go. In my case I could go and be with my sister. If you have no place to go that makes it more depressing. I'll be thinking of you alot and hope it gets better soon. We're all here for you anytime.
    Carol