Help,Confused , don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Jul 3, 2006.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I am so stressed and worried about my youngest daughter. She found out that she was expecting and is 11 weeks along. She is the mother of a 15 month old baby boy. But she and my SIL are having some really bad times and he does not think that they are. He has always had a problem of not knowing who he is The DAD or the Big Brother. HE has 8 younger siblings and the youngest is 2 and a half.

    HE spends money one things like magic cards ,when they don't have enough money to pay bills and then gets angry with my daughter for NOt paying the bills. HE will NOT watch the baby for any length of time and yells at my daugher for the dumbest reason.

    She has to take him to work each morning at 7:30 am He will not drive and take the car. She has to take him lunch as he will not eat at the cafiteria or bring his own lunch and then she has to pick him up from work and drive home and he wants dinner

    NOW and why is the house a mess. He will toss his stuff all over. His stuff for DRill he loses quite often and when they come here for drill my daughter is the one who has to find, wash , & pack all of his things including the clothes that he will were when he is off drill. She has to pack for her , and the baby making sure that there are enough diapers, clothes , socks , shoes and pj's.

    She is not innoencet in this marrage too , As she has made some really bad mistakes like lying to him when they were out of money and has begged him to take over the check book as it seems he thinks that there is always money in it. But he tells her that this is what his MOM does and so she should do it too. When they come here for a visit she drives, no matter how tired she is. And when they leave and she had not gotten much sleep as the baby has not slept in two nights she still has to drive home and he will sleep all the way home. She is so scared that she will wreck the car from being so exhusted.

    She is and has tried to tell him that they are really having problems in the marriage but he will just blow her off. She is so scared that if she has to leave she will have no where to go. HEr dad told her once and told the older sisters that when they got married they could not move home. I don't know if he would let her move here to stay till she could get a job and get her own place to live. MY hubby loves his grandson so much and has the attutuide that if she wanted to she could make her marriage better. But he should know better as it takes two people to make it work out.

    I don't know If I should ask him if she needs toleave her husband could she and the babies stay with us? WE have two bedromms that are not used. MY middle daughter is in CT till DEc when she comes home but that still leaves a bedroom for my youngest and her baby and new baby { she is not due till JAN} So many be they could work it out if the sepreated for a while.

    but like I said I don't know if I should talk to him about this or let her talk to him about this and tell him that she wants his help and is willing to do anything to help me around the house. That she really wants to make the marraige work but they need some help and maybe some time apart will do the trick.

    But can she and the baby stay with us till she can get on her feet and find a job and a car and a place to live. IF the marriage will not work. She does not want to just move home for ever with the kids she just needs some help now, having this situation now when she is just 11 weeks pregnant is so hard on her. She didn't plan this second baby and is scared that she could lose it from the stress she is having at home.

    I feel it would be best if she would ask her Dad to go for a drive and leave the baby with me, Tell him what is happening including that she is making mistakes too but it is getting so out of hand that she needs some help.

    And if things get bad enough could she and the baby come here to live for a while till she finds a job and gets things strightened around and can get her own place. She is scard to ask him as he has this look of displesure and can get really cranky.

    But I don't think that he would not help her if she would ask him. I know that it really makes him angry when one daughter will ask for her husband to do things with her dad.
    So I think she will have a better time if she askes her dad and talks and explains what the problems are and that she really needs to have his love and support at this time.

    But she thinks he will tell her NO Way go find your own house and you have married and you can't come back home to live again.
    This is a time when she really needs to have her parents around her and supporting her. But she needs to be the one that tells her dad what is happening in her marriage. And if he will let her stay with us if she has no where to go.

    He has made such a fuss about his kids leaving home and not moving back home. And this is stressing me as I would let her stay here till she could get her life in order and I would help her as much as I could. But men don't think like women do. And I don't know if he would feel like I do.
    I want her to stay here with us so that I know that she is eating and seeing her doctor and not stressing over things. I know that if she thought that there was NO hope for this marriage that her uncle would pay for her lawyer to get this taken care of.

    But in this state when you have small kids you have to take classes to gether tolearn what to do when seperating and how it will effect the kids and they try to get them to work it out if at all possiable.

    I don't want to butt in and tell her dad now that she wants to stay here for a while a few months or more. And it is upsetting to me. His attitude is makeing me nuts as she really does need his understanding not his telling her that she should just grow up and deal with this on her own.

    She is not even 22 yet and this is so hard for her as i know that she loves her husband but can't take it when he will not act like a parent who will not help her with the baby and condems her every action.

    But I also know that her dad see's NONE of her problems and will tell her that she has made mistakes too and that she needs to accept her hubby for who he is even though he is not helping her in any way in the marriage. HE plays with these magic cards spends money on them when they don't have it.And she too spends money on scrappbooking when they don't have money for it.

    They both are young and have not matured as much as they need to do. But she should be able to feel that she can ask her dad to come home if she is in need of it and to stay here where it is safe and gets her life in order.

    I was so hurt to hear that she feels taht her dad would not let her stay here as she is married and has left home never to live here again. If she needs help she should be able to depend on her family and her DAD. He loves this baby so much and buys him things all the time. I am praying that she will talk to him and calmly tell him what has gone on and that she needs his support and help.That she does not plan to live with us for ever .That when things either work out or they divorce ,she will get a job and find her own place but she needs a safe place to stay till then.
    Am I wrong in thinking this? I know that it will add to my stress level and to my pain levels . I have to tell her that sicne I have applied for disablilty that I can't baby sit as that is a job and if I am disabled I can't work right?
    MY oldest said to night that she would not have to worry about a baby sitter when they have kids as I would tend them, but what she does not know is that I can't do it. And if I ddon't get the disability I could help her out but it would cost her, Maybe not as much as a day care but it would cost her some money. AS I am not doing it for free.

    Tonight I am so upset and worried about this youngest daughter and what she should do? Where would she go if her husband kicked her out of the house? She would have to come home to where we live about 60 miles from her house and he would have to sell their house and move in with his parents as he would be paying child support for 2 kids and alimoney for her as well.

    And keeping her insured till she deilvers her baby adn then keep the babies insured till they are 21. And he will be paying alimoney for her as who is going to hire a pregneat woman now just to lose her in a few months. AS this is the 2nd baby and she is under more stress than with the first it does put a strain on this baby. HELP ME as I am so confused and don't know what to do?

    Really confused now.
  2. CrymznWych

    CrymznWych New Member

    I am sorry to hear this. IT's gotta be hell for you and your daughter. Unfortunately your daughter's situation sounds all too familiar. What your SIL is doing can be considered emotional abuse, and at the very least extrememly immature. It sounds like he's either "playing" at being the man of the house, or he shouldn't have left his momma. Absolutely your daughter should get out of the marriage, I know from experience it doesn't get better, and it can get a lot worse. Your daughter should speak to your husband as soon as possible, and make arrangements to come home. I'm not sure it needs to be done one on one though. It might help your daughter work up the courage, as well as letting your husband see you are in support of this, if she talks to him in your presence. It really does sound like your SIL figures he has a servant, not a wife, and by making her drive even when exhausted he is putting her and the children's lives at risk. What ever mistakes your daughter may have made with the money pales by comparison.

  3. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Your daughter needs to pack her husbands cloths and set them on the porch with a note .Call his mother tell her what is going on and tell her what she has done.Tell her to pick her son up after work.

    The note should read take this home to your real mommy ,I'm not going to be treated like this anymore. It's time to grow up. If you are willing to compromise on what you think my role as a mother and wife should be then we can set a time to work things out. If not then leave the child support for TWO children in the mailbox.

    Give his mother a copy of the note and tell her what time he needs picked up from work.

    In the mean time she should tell her Dad what is going on and ask for his emotional understanding and advice. Her Dad will come thu for her.

    I just do not see any reason why she should be the one to leave their home. Her and her children should be in it, til things have been discussed and her husband has faced the facts. He can live somewhere else also. I believe the children should have first dibs on the home.

    When your husband sees she is trying to be independent and stand on her own ,He may be more willing to open your home if it comes to that.

    Her husband needs to realize this is serious. He needs to grow up FAST. He also needs to learn she is a completely different person then his mother. Their household will be running with different rules.

    I hate hearing these stories .So many people get married without learning first that you need to have mutual RESPECK for each other. You are equals in a partnership where you help each other to succeed in your role as husband and wife.

    I've been married to the same man 33 years .I know what works and so does he. We value each other as best friends and you just treat your best friend with the up most respect. You don't walk away from a friend .You always work things out. The best way to do that is to remember often what your life was before you had that friend in it.
    Maybe if he has to go home to mommy he to will remember.

  4. CrymznWych

    CrymznWych New Member

    And a very good point! Let the momma's boy be the one to leave since he's so stuck on how his mommy does things. Your daughter has already demonstrated she can cut it on her own, she already has been by caring for TWO children (hubby and baby), with a third on the way. Momma's boy needs to grow up or get out. Either way your daughter is deserving of respect, and if he isn't capable of giving it, then he should go back home and work on growing up.
  5. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    Ugh - what a terrible situation.

    In my family we had similar - my sister got married at 22, 6 months after graduating from college.

    I got married at 28. What a HUGE difference.

    My sister and her hubby had to grow up together and it wasn't easy at all.

    Fortunately, they were two of the lucky ones - they were able to work things out and grow into adulthood together.

    You and your hubby can help her, but you can't live her life for her. At the same time, hubby is not a mindreader and unless either you or your daughter fill him in, nobody will ever find out if he would be willing to have them live in for a while.

    I felt the same way - that I couldn't move back home when my engagement to the wrong guy failed at 23. Unfortunately, I tried to stick it out on my own because of my pride and I nearly paid for it in violence.

    I got away from the guy with the help of friends, only to find out that he screwed me years later because I had forgotten about a joint credit card and HE declared bankrupcy - it cost me and my husband several thousand dollars to pay off that debt when we were trying to buy our first house - seven years after leaving that relationship!!

    I'll keep your family in my prayers and hope it all gets worked out, one way or the other.

    Madame Curie
  6. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    My daughter lives a hours drive a way from her family while his family is 20 minutes away and her MIL is lacking in so many ways.She is a sweet lady and I like her but she should have stopped having kids several kids ago. But as always it was her choice or things happened. But what I am trying to say is that writing her a note and sending my SIL to his mommies house would do NO good for any one.
    My SIL would think that this is all my daughters doing and would not leave if she asked , told begged dragged him away,this is MY HOUSE AND I WILL STAY HERE YOU CAN LEAVE THE BABY he said to her about 9 months ago . Well why should she leave a baby who at the time she was still nursing with a guy that will not take care of him.

    He misses his Daddy as his father is in out of the country in the army and I understand that it is a problem for his mother to raise 8 kids alone and she home schools them when she feels like it.

    It is not that my daughter wants to move home but feels that she will get more support from her family if she were here having a baby who is 15 months old and expecting on in jan07.
    I spoke to her today and it seems that she already has talked to her dad to see if things get to out of hand that she will have his support and can come home to stay till she has baby and has a good job and can make it on her own. She has learned from me that husbands in this state don't get custody of the kids the mom does. And as she is expecting the judge would not expect her to find a job, and would grant her allimony , child support and make her hubby keep her on the ins. till the baby was born and she was out of hospital and then he would have to add the baby to his insureance too. .It is amazing what you learn when you have had to thru things like being asked for a divorce but after learning all this we worked it out,

    I truely would like it for her if he could grow up and treat her better and that they could still keep growing up together and stay and learn to work their problems out. AS divorce is so hard on families ,kids mom, and dads. It is not the best thing to do. All I really want for her is for her to be happy and treated like she should and to get the help from her husband . But I am not the one that
    can make that choice.

    I had a husband that didn't do much to help me out either, he was a drinker and spent many nights in the bars. And for some strange reason I stayed with him for 25 years now.I may sound really irrated at my SIL I just want my daughter to have a better life than I did and I would do any thing to help her and her kids.
    I hope that they can grow up and work it out but if they can't she is welcome to come home for a while.
    Thanks for your thoughts.
  7. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i do not know all of the divorce laws, but they are not in a long term it won't be forever for the alimony most likely....

    if this hubby is abusive in anyway she could always go to a abused womens shelter....they will give her all the advocates she needs and the counseling as well...they will help her if she wants help...

    she needs to learn to take care of herself and not coddle this son in law of yours....she is caretaking way too much...

    i wouldn't be so nice...i have never been with a man or known a man in my life to want to allow a woman to drive them anywhere...unless they were ill...

    she needs counsleing and so does this hubby of hers....

    it is great that you both are willing to give her a place to stay....

    and there is no guarantee this hubby will pay child has happened to me for three years in a row...and still on and off....

    she will quallify and the babies will qualify for tanf...and food stamps and medical....

    she could very well get the home....court orders....they both my need to sell it if they can not afford it...

    it is a sticky situation here...i hope she doesn't get pregnant anytime soon after this second one...until they are both really stable....

    she does not need to be controlled by this husband...her self-esteem is probably is withering away....she doesn not need to do all this stuff that his "mommy" does for him....he is supposed to be a man...

    oh boy....i would say seek therapy immediately for your daughter for one, the sil needs it as well...and if he will not go then....she goes to get she can raise those kids on her own...



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