help! depression and fms--thanks for letting me know I am not alone

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by griswoldgirl, Sep 15, 2002.

  1. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    I do and this last year has gotten worse and worse it seems. i have been in an awful funk for quite sometime now. I am seeing a great therapist and have a good support system and take my antidepressants, which lately have been uped in dosage and it may be helping a bit.

    It is very hard for me right now to keep a positive attitude when so much has gone wrong in my life in the last few months. i can not seem to climb out of it and I hate it.

    all my life I have been strong and a survivor and this time it is different. I am sooooooooooooo tired all the time and so full of pain I cannot get out of my own way.

    I have not been a great mother, sleep too much and cry a lot these days. I am in mourning over my body I think. It was fine to have fibro for years-that I could live with-but now it is severe osteo, DDD, DJD, IC(interstitial cystitis) and depression and a torn up knee to boot!, I am only 42 and am so alive still. I miss being able to hike and keep up with my children. heck I miss being able to keep up with the simple things like the dishes etc

    the latest thing with my knee and it's torn ligaments has pushed me over the edge with the combination of loosing my job due to these illnesses and being in a box where I cannot collect unemployment because I am not able to work right now, cannot collect STD from my work because they fired me the same day I put in my claim and workman's comp(knee due to work injury) had not approved my claim as of yet and I am not holding my breath-the hospital system I worked for is self insured. This leaves me for the first time in my life since I was 15 without a job and no income when I did not want to be. I have never been fired in my life and it hurts. All I am guilty of is getting ill!

    I am having surgery on friday on my knee and I sure hope I have a speedy recovery because my bills are too large for just my hubby's income-we are the typical middle income family used to 2 incomes.

    It is hard for me-I have NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN UNEMPLOYED UNLESS IT WAS MY DECISION! i am new at this and do not know how to handle it.

    I have a WC attorney and will call today to see what is up she left a message while I was in Georgia friday, speaking of Georgia-that trip about killed me-I could not get out of bed yesterday at all. Woke up at 2pm-I never sleep like that. guess i needed it-went with it and rested all day. I feel a bit better today but not up to par at all. I am going to tackle getting my bills paid and catching up with mail and laundry-small goals at time. I want to get things in order before surgery because it is just me and the kids and I will not be able to drive for a week or so. got a friend that works at a grocery store so she can bring in what I need. also have a friend who will come and stay overnight the day of surgery to help with kids-but my friends have to work and my husband would come home but without any money coming in he has to stay in Omaha and work.

    Bottom line is I have more fear than faith right now and I donot like that feeling. My faith in God has always been strong and I believe that when doors shut in your face others open-just not as strong in my reliance of God these days. For those whom pray prayer would be nice-thank you, for those who do not send good carma my way!

    Any pearls of wisdom?

    cathy
    [This Message was Edited on 09/17/2002]
  2. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    I do and this last year has gotten worse and worse it seems. i have been in an awful funk for quite sometime now. I am seeing a great therapist and have a good support system and take my antidepressants, which lately have been uped in dosage and it may be helping a bit.

    It is very hard for me right now to keep a positive attitude when so much has gone wrong in my life in the last few months. i can not seem to climb out of it and I hate it.

    all my life I have been strong and a survivor and this time it is different. I am sooooooooooooo tired all the time and so full of pain I cannot get out of my own way.

    I have not been a great mother, sleep too much and cry a lot these days. I am in mourning over my body I think. It was fine to have fibro for years-that I could live with-but now it is severe osteo, DDD, DJD, IC(interstitial cystitis) and depression and a torn up knee to boot!, I am only 42 and am so alive still. I miss being able to hike and keep up with my children. heck I miss being able to keep up with the simple things like the dishes etc

    the latest thing with my knee and it's torn ligaments has pushed me over the edge with the combination of loosing my job due to these illnesses and being in a box where I cannot collect unemployment because I am not able to work right now, cannot collect STD from my work because they fired me the same day I put in my claim and workman's comp(knee due to work injury) had not approved my claim as of yet and I am not holding my breath-the hospital system I worked for is self insured. This leaves me for the first time in my life since I was 15 without a job and no income when I did not want to be. I have never been fired in my life and it hurts. All I am guilty of is getting ill!

    I am having surgery on friday on my knee and I sure hope I have a speedy recovery because my bills are too large for just my hubby's income-we are the typical middle income family used to 2 incomes.

    It is hard for me-I have NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN UNEMPLOYED UNLESS IT WAS MY DECISION! i am new at this and do not know how to handle it.

    I have a WC attorney and will call today to see what is up she left a message while I was in Georgia friday, speaking of Georgia-that trip about killed me-I could not get out of bed yesterday at all. Woke up at 2pm-I never sleep like that. guess i needed it-went with it and rested all day. I feel a bit better today but not up to par at all. I am going to tackle getting my bills paid and catching up with mail and laundry-small goals at time. I want to get things in order before surgery because it is just me and the kids and I will not be able to drive for a week or so. got a friend that works at a grocery store so she can bring in what I need. also have a friend who will come and stay overnight the day of surgery to help with kids-but my friends have to work and my husband would come home but without any money coming in he has to stay in Omaha and work.

    Bottom line is I have more fear than faith right now and I donot like that feeling. My faith in God has always been strong and I believe that when doors shut in your face others open-just not as strong in my reliance of God these days. For those whom pray prayer would be nice-thank you, for those who do not send good carma my way!

    Any pearls of wisdom?

    cathy
    [This Message was Edited on 09/17/2002]
  3. Carlacat

    Carlacat New Member

    There are days where I just want to run away far to try and outrun this thing but I know thats not the answer. Thank goodness I have an understanding husband because there is times where I dont even care if I'm married or not. Alot of emotions come along with depression. Good luck on your surgery and pray alot. I feel like praying is the only thing that gets me by at times. Hang in there and always remember your not alone on this. If you need to vent just email me. I find venting helps alot cause you can hold so much in for so long and it has to come out.
    Hugggss
    Carla
  4. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Hi, Cathy:

    I understand how you are feeling. I was on anti-depressants a few years ago when it seemed like everything came crashing down on me at the same time. A death of a loved one, another loved one ill, I had endometriosis (and fibromyalgia but I didn't know it at the time), etc. I take an anti-depressant now, but only a low dosage at bedtime to help me sleep at night. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am grateful for anything that helps with the lack of sleep and pain.

    I think that most of us are trying to maintain a positive attitude and do the best we can (I am still working full-time, but it's a struggle some days), but let's face it, sometime we just get tired of trying to smile and put on this positive attitude. I think that sometimes it's okay to feel sorry for yourself as long as you don't do it all the time. And yes, you need to cry sometimes! I had a week when I was in so much pain that I just let myself have a few good cries. I really miss my old self and it's frustrating that I can't have the old me back.

    Feel free to vent when you need to-that's what this messageboard is for. I think it's great to have a place where people really understand! Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs!

    Ellen Comstock


  5. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    Cathy, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because everyone is different, but I got a pretty good idea..I've had depression/anxiety/panic disorder since high school, which came to a real peak in about 1987..I also suffer from DDD (big time), DJD, FMS, Carpul Tunnel, IBS, AIH (autoimmune hepatitis), Raynold's Syndrome, & then some..Somedays I don't know if it's the depression slowing me down or the Fibro..I'm 48 and somedays feel like 88..And it sux..I try my best to keep up with things, but then when I overdue it, I pay for it for a few days..I only have one 16yr son, and I remember when he was younger and trying to keep up with him..My husband is a great help, I see him everyday, but he works up to 12hrs a day, and then half days on Sat..I also know what you mean about finances..No matter what we do, and think we could get straightend out, then something big time happens..I'm sorry, this was suppossed to be about you and here I'm rambling on..
    Just know, you are not alone & am here for you, if only to vent to..Sorry to hear about your knee surgery..That's a real bummer..Is your husband out of town all week long, I know there is not much that can be done there, with finances and all, but you are probably overwelmed with the responsiblity of taking care of the kids all the time, and with the way you are feeling..Please try to hang in there..
    It's good that you have friends that care about you and are willing to help you out, so that is a positive right there..
    Keep taking the antidepressants and hopefully after the surgery, things will start to fall in place a little better..
    Prayers and thoughts are with you.....
    Take Care.........God bless........Donna
  6. Shiloh

    Shiloh New Member

    I have had FMS since 1987 and was just Dx'd with CFS within the past 6 mos. I am on 40 mg. of an anti-depressant to help me with the depression that goes with having these DD. Yesterday, was the first time I can remember (admittedly my memory isn't what it used to be) ever grieving for the person I was. I don't know why, but it all came crashing down on me ... how I'm exhausted after doing the smallest chore, how I sleep more than I'm awake, how I can't go shopping like I used to, about how I used to be an interesting person ... now I feel like a bore, how my social life sucks, and about how my personal finances are in the toilet, and about how I feel like a burden to my roommate and daughter. BUT...

    Today is a new day ... it's sunny and cool and my mother has sent me my favorite cookbook out of her cookbook collection and it should be arriving today. I have something to look forward to today. Today, I'm thankful that all I have are FMS and CFS. You see, last night my mother told me that a woman I've always liked and looked up to was tranferred to Hospice yesterday. She has stomach cancer and has made the choice not to have it treated because she is so weak, she knows that she doesn't have enough stamina to go through the treatment. She's too exhausted to talk on the phone so my Mom writes her a note everyday that she can read when she's up to it.

    Today is better than yesterday, but probably isn't as good as tomorrow will be. Today, my mindset is that I'm thinking about the things I can do, rather than the things that I can't. Winter will soon be coming, then I won't feel so bad about being pretty much housebound. In fact, I'll relish it then...lol. I'm concentrating on finding the silver lining in things and it's helping.

    Life goes on... things change including me. I wish I hadn't changed but I did ... now I'm learning about the new person that I've become. It's a challenge to accept the new me, but I know that in time I will.

    Shiloh
  7. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    I think you fought the idea of really having this illness for a very long time. Now it has put you in a place where you can no longer ignore it and it is affecting you big time. With all you have gone through in the past few months it's no wonder you are depressed.

    I would check into the STD, too. Do it soon and tell them exactly what has been going on and that this is not just the messed up knee that is causing you to be unable to work. Mention that you were prepared to file the day they decided to fire you. If you were out prior to that due to disbility reasons, which you were, you may well be entitled to benefits.

    You might want to run this past your WC attorney for an opinion. If he doesn't do disability cases find someone who does and ask away. They don't usually charge you until you receive money. They'll be quick to let you know if they think you have a case.

    You were going through hell to stay at work before and it was really taking it's toll on you. Hang in there and allow yourself to have down time. Do only those things that are absolutely necessary, let the others go.

    Hugs,
    Barbara
  8. ladydi

    ladydi New Member


    You have just writen the story of my last 6 months.

    I like you, had to grief over not only losing my job,
    but the fact that my depression I was denying finally
    showed it's ugly face. So I took it upon myself to see
    a woman Phych Doc. She told me my depression was from
    the FM pain.

    It seems all the good qualities you listed in your post
    will still be there when all of this mess settles down.
    You sure sound like a Go-Getter, Great Mom, ect.
    Depression, unlike FM can be treated with great success.

    Also remember that I'll be looking for future post to see
    how you are doing.

    Thinking of You Cindy,
    LadyDi



  9. BethM

    BethM New Member

    often (usually) go hand in hand. I fight it, too, the depression. There are days when I feel like I just cannot tolerate this unremitting pain any longer, but I know I will because I have to. It's hard knowing that whatever light is at the end of the tunnel is so far away. It's hard when a new symptom crops up, too. Oh, great, one MORE thing to deal with! A new way to hurt! How fun is that???

    Most days I, too, look for the positives, but sometimes, when it's all overwhelming, usually when that monthly demon PMS is in full swing, I want to crawl into a hole and pull the top down after me. That's ok to do, once in awhile, long as I come up for air and sunshine!

    Find a positive in your day. It helps, even if it only helps a little. Venting in a journal, to a dear friend, or on this board helps, too.

    Peace,
    Beth.
  10. BluEyes

    BluEyes New Member

    I have fought depression for the better part of 2 decades. When life was at its best, of course I wasn't depressed. In 1996, after running thru the "events" I had gone thru during the past 8 months, my therapist said "well, I would be worried if someone in your shoes WASN'T depressed after going thru all you have endured!" That was before I was diagnosed with FMS... and around the time I first had symptoms. Now I don't even bother with "therapy." No amount of school can train someone (the therapist) to know what it is like to hurt 24/7... or to understand how we "endure" the pain, without walking a mile in our shoes. Not to mention the frustration with the things we can no longer do... such as play with our kids (no matter what age they are), or keep our house up the way we like it, or go hiking, or fishing, or camping, or even grocery shopping. So in my opinion, I just have to learn to adjust both physically and mentally.

    I am still trying to adjust to all the things I cannot do. I am still learning to tell others (or more accurately, tell myself) that I cannot do this or that. And I have learned that I will always be depressed. But, just as we have good days and bad days physically, we will have good and bad days with our depression. Sometimes it is easy to handle... by telling ourselves we have gone thru worse times than this... and reminding ourselves that we made it thru "that day" (or those days), and whatever we are going thru isn't near as bad as "that" was. Sometimes we can laugh at ourselves and say we are being silly. Then there are the really tough times... those are the days we have to really work at the fight against depression. Those are the days that we cannot ignore the fact that we are chronically ill and every day is a challenge for us. Those are the days I make a list with 2 columns. In the first column, I put an item that bothers me, and in the other column I write a "positive" side of that problem. If you go at this with as much positive energy as you can muster up, you may surprise yourself at the amount of positive things that occur in your life everyday... and as those "extra" positive thoughts pop into your mind... go ahead and write them down, even if they don't have a "negative" point opposite them. Here are some of my "problems" and "good points":

    Damn I hurt today ----- I have had worse days than this

    I'm mad cuz I cannot make dinner ----- Thank God I have my daughter to help me with it

    I'm sick of my hands and feet buzzing (my word for "tingling", because tingling sounds like fun and buzzing sounds sharper) ----- At least it isn't my ENTIRE body buzzing

    I miss taking Knight (my dog) to the river and climbing on the rocks with him ----- He is happy just laying here beside me too
    and ----- I have his company when I am stuck inside
    and ----- He wags his tail when I scratch him behind his ears... if I do it just right ;-)

    I feel cheated... I cannot do the things with my daughter that I want to ----- At least I am alive and can see to watch her grow up


    Those are just a few examples... I hope this helps you out.

    And of course, there are these message boards, and your friends to phone... and tons of other resources to help you beat down the depression... for a few months, weeks, days, or even, during those really bad times, a few hours.

    I check this board on a daily basis... so a post titled "help" would grab my attention; and i am not against exchanging email addresses with you (because I check my email several times a day). Whatever it takes and whatever you need... there are people all around you that care and will listen. Just let me - or us - know.

    Gentle hugs and lots of love,
    Blu
  11. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    Sweetie-pie,
    I could write a book on depression and all that goes with it....I can't bear to see someone having a good time when I feel so hopeless, hapless and helpless. I become extremely self-absorbed.....this is how I was when I found this message board and for the first time, I have people who truly understand and can empathize, not just sympathize, This is what I needed all along! Hold on one more day, each day!
    Love and sisterhood,
    Kady
  12. Allen2

    Allen2 New Member

    I too have chronic "unipolar depression". I believe our family has a genetic predispostion to mental illness: out of my mom's 8(count'em!) kids, 5 of us have struggled with significant mental disorders. We grew up in a loving home so it is obviously a bio-chemical issue, but along with Fibro , wow! When my morale is dragging I don't always know if it's the big D or Fibro or the goshawful sedation from my meds. I do continue to have confidence in God because He continues to be faithful: He also has provided an understanding wife, family and friends. God bless, Al
  13. saffie02

    saffie02 New Member

    CATHY I AM 39 AND CAN HONESTLY SAY I HAVE BEEN AND STILL AM IN YOUR SHOES,I ALSO HAVE DDD ,ASTHMA,I8SAND SEVERE DEPRESSION.LIFE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTACES CAN DEFFINITLY BE OVERWHELMING.HUHWHEN THE FIBRO DONT GET YOU ONE OF THE OTHERS DOES.TALKING TO FRIENDS OR E FRIENDS IS A GREAT COMFORT,FOR ME ANYWAY. IT HELPS TO KNOW YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE AND YOUR CERTAINLY NOT ALONE.I HAVE A 14 YEAR OLD STILL AT HOME AND I AM NOT ALWAYS THE BEST MOTHER EITHER BUT I BELIEVE HE UNDERSTANDS.CHILDREN DO UNDERSTAND MORE THAN WE THINK SOMETIMES.AS LONG AS THE LOVE IS THERE ITS GOOD TO GIVE YOURSELF A REST SOMETIMES.AS FAR AS BEING STRONG THAT WENT OUT THE WINDOW FOR ME ALONG TIME AGO.I FEEL LIKE IT IS SOMEONE ELSES TURN TO BE STRONG FOR A CHANGE AND IN MY OWN WAY I LET THEM KNOW THAT. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU .WRITE ME BACK IF YOU LIKE AT SAFFIE02@BELLSOUTH.NET SHERRI
  14. Copper2002

    Copper2002 New Member

    Hi Cathy,

    looks like it's all been said here, so, I'm just sending you {{{{Cathy}}}}.

    Am I way off base here, or isn't it illegal to fire some one who is injured on the job, and off work because of it?

    Copper
    Let Miracles Replace all Grievances
  15. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    i bet everyone on this board deals with situational depression and you certainly are entitled to feel this. a good cry does help. sometimes i just make myself think, well i couldn't possible feel any worse so tomorrow has gotta be a better day. it sucks that we have to "work at" being happy but i have just come to the conclusion that is part of the fms or cfs. hopefully, your medication will help you pull through this rough patch.

    here is a lot of good carma for you this week and remember they say that usually the 3rd day after an operation is the worst (found this true for me) try not to get overwhelmed, it sounds like you have really planned ahead and will be in good hands with your help lined up. you are lucky to have friends to help!

    i too agree that the work thing, where they fired you the day you put your claim in seems against the law to me, i would definitely look into this, not right. they knew about your knee problems before, i remember you posting about it. seems your workers comp could not be turned down.

    anyway, good luck with all and wishing you a speedy recovery from your operation.

    warm regards, fibolady
  16. dragonslayer0327

    dragonslayer0327 New Member

    I'm only 20 years old and there are so many days that i can't even get myself out of bed...I've had this for 7 years now and haven't responded to any treatment for longer than 3 months without having to change it up cuz it stopped working. The only thing I've found that works is to try and keep ur mind off of it and ask for help. I am lucky enough to be attending college(away from home) and I have found that preoccupying myself works...i have about 300 hobbies...and i ask my boyfriend for help (A LOT). I always hated asking for help and then i realized that i'd never make it through all this without some help. On the days that I can do things for myself I do them all but there will always be days or weeks or months when you need to ask someone u love to do things for you or at least help u get them done.
  17. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    I am aware that I do not hold this only on my shoulders now.

    to address some of your comments-this might be long but need to tell whole story need to dump!

    As far as it being illegal. it will become unlawful if I am approved for workman's comp-have discussed all this with the attorney. The hospital that I worked for has a no fault attendance policy, they have what is called a PAL(paid time off) policy. You are entittled to 26 days a year paid time off. this includes your sick time, vacation, personal days etc. The attendance policy is as follows: If you are sick you must call in sick 24 hours in advance or it is an occurrance. Once you have 3 occurrances in 3 month period you are written up. this has happened to me twice this year due to my daughter's illness with lyme disease and fibro over the summer. Only one occurance was from my illnesses and then the last one was when I took of two days after my trip to Orlando for knee pain and had my MRI. This put me at a total of 6 and that is you allotment for the year so I was issued a final warning at that time stating I would be fired if I had aother occurance before a 3 month period. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN EXCUSED ABSENCE.

    when my doctor put me out of work he wrote me a note saying I was totally disabled and unable to work with 24 hours notice that I turned in on the 3rd in the morning. the next day on the 4th I came to work and my daughter was assaulted at school and I had to leave at 10 am that morning to take her to the doctor because she had a badly sprained back. The minute I stepped out the door to pick up my child I was terminated because I was on my final warning and was told in writting if I had another occurance before a 3 month period was over I would be terminated. MY WC attorney went over their policy and I have met another person who tried to fight it because her daughter took ill and she was out of time too and got fired after 5 yrs of service. She lost. Their policy is air tight. I was fired for cause escessive absences. Is it fair? no Is it humane? no but unfortunately it is their policy and it is all in writing. I am also out of FMLA because of my back surgery last year so I had no protection over my job. They would not even consider a medical LOA because "you have no job to come back to" because I had no FMLA to protect me.

    The disability "should" take affect IF the workman's comp case is denied-I have been on the phone with people from all ends of this for hours a day for over a week now. Key risk is waiting for an answer and records from the doctor who is doing my surgery. They "claim" they sent a fax on the 10th-I called my doctors office and found they had nothing from WC-so I called WC back and had her fax it again while I was on the phone I told her I want to hear the machine-then I called my doctors office to make sure they got it and they did. I have no earthly idea how long all of this is going to take. My attorney has written a letter to key risk and the doctor trying to light a fire under their a**! So now I am playing the waiting game.

    part of the problem was this was from an injury that occured in May when a tray fell on my leg during a proceedure-I told the employee health docs that my knee was hurting each and every time I went to the doctor-not one mention of it in my records. As far as my superiors are concerned they think I "have got to be kidding, if I think this came from that accident" even after I explained that I have been working with a brace on it since the accident-due tomy arthritis it was always written off to that-which I bought until it got to a point where it blew up like a balloon and was hurting severely through 40mgs of oxycontin a day. The orthopedic surgeon believes that I must have hyperextended my knee when this occured because I have had no other trauma to my leg and ACL's and ligaments do nto rip on their own.

    So I am in the middle of a battle. I am seeking a labor law attorney now to see if there is any loop hole we might have missed. It sux!!!!! here I am a partially disabled person whom has asked to have her hours cut back several times with nothing but a resounding NO and if I cannot cut it look elsewhere attitude. From an wmployers prospective I can see their side, I have owned my own bussinesses and have had enmployees. In my three years of service this makes the third surgery which makes me unreliable and they have a department to run. I cannot seem to wonder if they have not violated some of my rights. I have filed complaints with the labor board concerning many issuew about the health system and got an email back that they are investigating the 24 hour notice thing-nurses who work with premature babies in the neonatal intensive care unit come to work sick because no on wants an occurance-everyone does-fevers, diarrhea etc you name it they are thre which is also not fair because someone in the radiology dept as long as i have worked there has been sick constantly. I always was getting stomach bugs and colds continually. For people whom never get ill and have haalthly children it is great they can take over 3 weeks vacation a year , for those of us not so lucky it weeds us out.

    accepting my limitations has been hard for me-I have been on my own working since i was 15 years old and have never stopped because I was ill except when I was diagnosed with cfs in the early 90's-I took 6 months off, but it was my choice not anyone elses. Thisd time the choice was made for me-perhaps a wake up call from the Big Guy himself-who knows?

    thanks for listening

    cathy
    [This Message was Edited on 09/17/2002]
  18. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I am saying a prayer for you; you have been through a lot. I believe that we can tolerate a certain amount of suffering and manage to keep on going with little depression. However, when one thing after another gets heaped upon us, depression and grieving set in.

    There is usually one thing that "breaks the camel's back." No matter how hard we try to de-stress and take care of ourselves physically, we cannot control everything in our lives. I have had one thing after another heaped upon me over the last months and am back in therapy to try to deal with it. A lot of it has to do with grieving.

    Good luck to you and I pray your surgery is successful.

    Love, Mikie
  19. mariac2000

    mariac2000 New Member

    I also have both, but not as severe as you. You need to find somebody supportive near you. Do you have any family near you. Maybe people from church or even your therapist, because you have way to much on your plate right now. Maybe through health insurance you can get a nurses assistant help you. And you always have this board wich I find an increadible comfort. Hope you feel better soon.
  20. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    my family. I do go to therapy, have a therapist with FMS and she is my rock in helping me through all this.

    I come here for support too.

    appreciate all your concerns. i am taking positive steps inbetween the breakdowns to return to sanity LOL

    cathy