HELP Fibro is ending my marraige

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ayhatch, Feb 5, 2007.

  1. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    I may get a little personal here, but I'm in desperate need of guidance and understanding because right now I feel like going off a cliff or at least running away. (I can't do either because I have two young kids.)
    Anyway, a little history... there have been major communication problems in my marraige since day one. Alcoholism has also become a problem. (Not me, the spouse.) His drinking has been a major problem, but now with him stopped drinking and the counseling and Al-Anon I attend... we find that our alcoholic parents and childhoods are making matters worse. Now to add the cherry on top, I finally have a diagnosis (last June) to confirm my "anti- social behavior" (Getting startled easily, no libido, skin crawls or hurts when touched, etc.)
    So, we've been in counseling and recently seemed to make some progress, but in one little moment last night, it all went to HELL! He asked for sex - out of the blue, after I told him that I needed to plan and couldn't do it but maybe once a month. (I tried about a week ago... I was wiped out and in serious pain in my hips and legs for days after.)
    Anyway, he felt rejected, again...I don't blame him. BUT, he's blaming me and not the disease. He is clueless about my condition and it's effects. No matter how often I have encouraged him to learn and try to convince him that he'll gain some understanding...he won't learn. He finds it easier to blame me. I know this behavior is wrapped up in his alcoholic problems as well, BUT do feel that at some point there has to be a decision about whther or not to stay with this man.
    He makes me feel so guilty. I am also completely dependent upon him financially and we have two young kids.
    What do I do? Go ahead and divorce and make sure I still have his full financial support or do we seperate so he can go off and find the sex he craves?
    I am at my wits end! I am sick of being critisized for getting startled and not wanting to be touched when it hurts.
    I so much feel like I should let him go, but I'm afraid of the logistical mess from doing that.

    Help!!!!!
  2. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    Yes, I read that post you refer too. I printed it out and talked with the person who wrote it. It helped me a great deal, but still I need to limit my sexual interaction. There has to be a compromise. It's also frustrating for me physically, because I want to participate, but can't. Believe me I've tried.
    And you are right that we have more problems.
    It goes to the lack of understanding about my limitations and pain, etc, He blames me and not the Fibro, he doesn't and refuses to understand.
    You are always there with your support. Thanks, Prickles!
  3. larryh

    larryh New Member

    I am no expert, but I have experienced the problem from both sides and I can give you a man’s point of view. When I was still well my wife had endometriosis and any form of intercourse was very painful for her. We lived with that for nearly five years before I came down with CFS about the same time her endo got better.
    I admit to being very frustrated during those five years, but I love my wife enough that ending the marriage over sex was never an issue and I did not blame her. It was not her fault that she was ill and intercourse caused pain.
    Now I am the one who is ill. I have no energy and I am in constant pain and she does not blame me, but I do now she gets frustrated.
    I personally do not think that sex or the lack of it is going to end a marriage. There has to be a lot more wrong first. Marriage should mean we quit being selfish and think first of our partner.
    If your husband continues to blame you and is not willing to learn about your problems and how he can help you instead of just complaining he is a toxic person in your life. We can not afford toxic people in our lives because it takes all of our energy just to get by. You also don’t need the constant guilt trip he is putting on you. We do a good enough job of that ourselves.
    If your husband is not willing to face the facts and change his attitude you would be better off away from him. A man can live and enjoy a relationship without sex even if they have a high sex drive if they love their partner enough. If they are selfish and self centered and unwilling to change I don’t see much of a future for the marriage. I think that this would apply to a man or a woman.
    I feel that I am one of the lucky few who has a mate who really tried to understand and make allowances for my illness and even she gets very frustrated at times. It is really hard to hold a marriage together if you have CFS or FM and you can’t do it alone.

    Larry
  4. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    I really appreciate your candid and male point of view!
  5. fungirl2100

    fungirl2100 New Member

    I am sorry that this is happening to you & has been. Also, it saddens me deeply to know children are involved in this decision.

    Here is my main question to you: What was your husband like before your health issues? What kind of father is he?
    Is he dangerous?

    It didn't sound to me from reading your post a few times over I had seen any shred of decency coming from his end.

    I am fortunate to have a good honest husband whom wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt me or even make me feel bad & it sounds like your husband is holding you down in a way.

    When you have Fibro you are supposed to try to lessen your stress not increase it. You must be stressed out beyond belief?

    You may need to see a professional to work out these issues. Not let someone on the boards or know either one of you what to do. churches often have a certified psychologist or psychiatrist on staff to talk to members for free. It may help..

    Please seek help!! You have children to think of.

    Best of luck to you & your little one's.

    love your friend,
    Fun
  6. mujuer

    mujuer New Member

    to vent. Most of the time my husband is very supportive and other times I feel like he just doesn't get it and must be very frustrated with me. I wish that he had a place like this to go to vent. I think it would help him alot. It sounds like the alcoholism is the biggest problem in your marriage. My husband has been clean and sober for twenty six years now. Still an addict though and trying to get off of cigerettes now and is very addicted to sugar. I have an alcoholic brother and sister and I know that al-anon really helps my brothers wife and my mother. I was a single parent for most of my childrens lives and it so very hard. I hope if it leads to that you will have a support system in place. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
  7. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    My husband does care about me and his kids. He's a responsible provider and a good Dad, though not a spresent and involved a s he could be. He's not violent with me, but the verbal abuse and silent treatment through the years has been abuse enough. I am not in love, but do care about him. I am so jealous of those I read about on the board having fulfilling marraiges w/o sex. This is what I need.
    I think I need to let him go. I think I already have, but he hasn't let go. I wish he would find out about my conditions so he could make an informed decision about "moving on".
    But, just like in Alanon... I am not in control... he has to want it. I have to let go.
    Thanks!
  8. fungirl2100

    fungirl2100 New Member

    Alcoholism is a disease as well. Well, he might be sober for years he still suffers from it. My father was one. Claimed to be clean, quit cold turkey..he never actually did. I caught him when I was young 10 or 11 years old sneaking beer around the house..I was raised around it so I can understand it to a degree especially being a child around it.

    If you really need someone to talk to I will get you that help. I can talk to my husband (the doc) & see what he can recommend for you.

    I am glad he is caring at times & not so much other times. It's still not fair to you or the kids. Kids understand more than you think.

    Please let me help you if I can. I will be praying for you & your kids.

    love your friend,
    Dawn
  9. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    I appreciate you reaching out and will take whatever help I can get. Do know that I have some help. My Internit is a great help... she talks w/ me alot about this. I have Alanon, couple counseling and individual therapy. I also read a ton of alanon books. My husband only goes to the couple counseling, but stopped drinking in December and did read an ACA book.

    Thanks!!!!
  10. fungirl2100

    fungirl2100 New Member

    Again please let me know what if anything I can do to help you.

    friends,
    fun
  11. grace54

    grace54 New Member

    is a big problem for many people. I like Larry"s response in particular. People who have taken recovery seriouly will tell you that self centeredness was a main issue, like a little spoiled child when they can't get their own way they pout and turn to whatever will kill the pain.

    The alcohol is just a symptom of deep seated emotion and or character issues. Some people sober up and never work on their spiritual lifes or it may take a long time for them to see the world doesn't revolve around them.It really takes a major transformation of the ego to find some humility, until such time it is hard to love someone as they should be.

    Maybe time and patience if he is not dangerous. But I always try to be an advocate for the children, they don't usually have a voice but I know from experience that fighting, crying, swearing etc all those toxic things change them, it made me a scared kid and adult. I am glad you are getting help. Detaching from the chaos is hard but
    thats what is needed for all concerned. I hope things work out for you all.