Help for All of Us Please

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by vivian53, Apr 26, 2009.

  1. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    My mother and I are having a difficult time caring for my father. He is so very ill and weak. After all he is 95. As I said before I promised him he would die at home and that is what we are doing right now.

    Hospice came in last night because we couldn't get him out of his chair and he is so shaky and confused and is declining so rapidly. So sad to see such a brillant mind fade away.

    Hospice will not stay around the clock as of yet and so my poor mother and I are exhausted. I will call a home health organization as soon as they open and get more people here to help lift, and change him. We are both too sick to keep this schedule up.

    I can onlly tell you guys how much I am hurting both physically and mentally. How much pain I am in because I have lifted him so much and stayed up two almost three nights. I don't want anyone else to know.

    Please, please don't think I am complaining or I don't want to be here, I do with all my heart. I love my parents and they have done so much for me.

    My mother is crying frequently and I can't, except here, because right now I have to be strong. So I am in the other bedroom. I cant call anyone because I don't want her to hear me break down.

    So I am crying now to my online friends and asking for help. What do I want,? Some prayers, positive affirmations, suggestions, wisdom or just kind words would be welcomed by both of us from any religion of spiritual orientation.

    I certainly wish I had a Christian belief in Heaven. I wish both my parents did too, but we don't.

    What we do have is a man who accomplished so much in his lifetime (did I tell you he had presented cases before the Supreme Court?) whose life on earth is very short and who will always live on in the hearts and minds of those of us who loved him dearly.

  2. Sacajawea2

    Sacajawea2 Member

    I am so glad you checked in...have been wondering about you. I am getting ready to leave for an apt. and just wanted to send you a big hug and I will pray for you and your family. There are a lot of good home health care agencies, I hope you find one to help out. I'm relieved to hear you've already got hospice on board.

    You are so good to your mother to want to keep a brave face for her keep your emotions in check to spare loving of you! I'm glad you felt safe to come here to vent and cry because I can't imagine how hard it must be to try not to break down. If you do infront of her, it will be okay...she is your mom, after all. But I understand your desire to keep a strong front for her sake. You will get lots of support here so check in when you can.

    He sounds like a wonderful man-- so sorry that in this time, life is so short.

  3. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    Thank you so much for replying. Your words have helped me, just knowing you heard me helps.

    I am waiting for thr Hospice nurse to come and tell me what to do next. I feel numb, confused and sad. And I am crying now.

    Yes I did reach out, and Dear Cate, you responded and I can feel that, and I will never forget it.

    You have been here and you know how hard it is and how important it is that I do this for my father, without faltering and staying strong for everyone.

    I will totally break down later when I have the time and energy.

    I will stay in touch as time allows.

    Thank you for your helping hand and prayers. We need them both.


  4. jole

    jole Member

    I too have been where you are, and understand your words completely. I feel your pain so strongly that I have tears in my eyes, and the memories of being with my mother the last 4 months of her life came flooding back.

    With all the pain and fatigue I was in, I know I couldn't have survived without the arm of Jesus around me for comfort. He gave me the support and strength I needed to go on day after day. He kept my feet moving and my eyes open when I thought I couldn't keep going or stay awake another second.
    And when she died, I felt complete peace, because just before she slipped into a coma, all my brothers/sisters showed up and we prayed together, her last words. She was very religious and ready to see our Savior.

    Make sure you tell your dad often how much you love him, and talk about when you were little and how much you looked up to him for the small things he did...he needs to hear that now...and I'm sure you've already talked of such things.

    I too hope you can get some outside help so you can rest. Lack of sleep certainly multiplies the pain, and you will be able to be there more for him emotionally if you don't have to do the physical care.

    You are in my prayers, and I ask Jesus to comfort you, your mother and especially your father. He will be there if you just ask for Him. I know you will stay strong, and yes, you will collapse afterward. We all do.

    [This Message was Edited on 04/27/2009]
  5. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    What a beautiful thing you are doing. How fortunate your mother and father are to have you. How fortunate you are to be loved by them. There is great pain in great love.

    I feel a little different from some here. I think it's ok to cry with your parents. It would not be wise to abandon yourself to grief now while your father is with you because it would take you away from him. But, I think, it's ok to cry with the fullness of love. If you can cry and smile at the same time, you will know it's ok to cry. We can cry and be strong, we can cry and be present, we can cry and give love and comfort.

    I'm sure you know this. I know the grief feels as though it will swallow you up but it doesn't usually. How many times in life have you been surprised at our human ability to carry on in the face of great loss and suffering.

    Believe in your great love for each other which is more of a miracle than any external belief system could be. What binds you is this great and inexplicable love, this invisible, beautiful and, yes, transcendent love. Only our body wears out, our spirits go on and our love is eternal. Believe in your love.

    What a terribly beautiful act of love for a beautiful and accomplished man who will never leave "those who love him dearly." I believe you know everything you need to know.

    Your love is remarkable.

    You are blessed.

  6. Doznclan3

    Doznclan3 New Member

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I too have been through this very thing.
    You are trying to be so strong for your family. I will pray that you will be able to do the things of your heart, your wishes to be as you would like. Also, praying that you will know when to let go, even if it means in front of family. I pray that you will feel that feeling of peace as we are praying for you. That you know that we are here for you.
    In your last paragraph here...what a remarable man he is, and has been! What great memories he will leave with you all. How pleased you must be to have such a great man/family member in your midst.
    I will be thinking of you all day vivian..God Bless, love, Cynthia
  7. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Thank you for helping out so. Prayers to you and your family during this time.
  8. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member

    some wonderful words of comfort coming to you here. I do love the board.

    I can empathise with you because i went thru the same thing as you with both my dad and mum. I did have help because my three brothers, sis in laws were there too. But the pain and hurt were excruciating.

    I know the anguish of seeing someone full of life deteriorate into a shell of the person who was.

    I cried often; there was this little courtyard with a garden in the cancer hospital and i would go there to relive my feelings and bawl my eyes out..and more often than not someone else would be there, some other person whose relative was also in the hospital, and they would be bawling their eyes out. It was a relief to let out those pent up feelings of helplessness, fatigue sadness and anxiety.

    Your ambivalent feelings about a higher being dont have to stop you from praying...if you feel like it, you can think of it as a form of meditation, something which helps.

    My prayers going out to you at this very difficult period of your may not seem at the moment, but this too shall pass and and life will carry on....

    I do envy you for having had a father who made full use of his time here on earth...achieving all that he did

    God Bless

  9. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    best wishes for you and your family right now----

    and you are so right about our loved ones "always living on in the hearts and minds of us who love them dearly". a wonderful peaceful and very true thought!!!!

  10. Debra49659

    Debra49659 New Member

    I am not sure what to say honestly...I just want to hug you and tell you what a terrific person you are, being the "strong one" is really, really hard.

    I can not begin to imagine what you are going through, I hope and will pray that you and your mother get the help you need soon.

    As I sit here watching the cursor blink and wait for some words of wisdom come over me, words of comfort, words that can help you though this time.....

    I have no words Vivian, but I do have a hug, I do have a shoulder you can cry on and ears to listen to you whenever you need to talk.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  11. jole

    jole Member

    Hi Vivian. I hope you've had time to take a minute and check the gain some strength and love from others, to see you through yet another day. We all care deeply about you!

    When looking back through your post, one thing struck me...the part where you said you wish you believed in Heaven, but you don't. May I make a suggestion without sounding pushy? Just close your eyes, place all the goodness you can find in your heart...along with all the pain and stress you're enduring right now. Envision Jesus standing off in the distance with his arms open, slowly walking towards you. As He gets closer, you see tears in His eyes..and you know they're for you..sharing your sorrow. He wraps His arms around you and you feel a love stronger than you've ever felt before...full of compassion, caring and the deepest concern. You tell Him how much you're hurting, both physically and emotionally, and He will give you His strength and love to see you through this, and He will remain at your side throughout it all. His love is a promise that you need never carry your burdens alone, and that He will not let life end when our bodies give out. Eternity has been secured for us through His shedding His blood and life for us. I sincerely hope you can believe what I've written...and perhaps even talk about it with your parents...maybe they just need some encouragement to believe at this time?

    Just pour out your heart to Him like you did to us, and His response will be so much greater than any on this board!

    This is my strong belief in Jesus, our Savior, and if you want to hear my words please listen. It is still your choice.

    Wishing you a better day, and hope your dad is doing okay and your mother is coping well. Give them both a big hug today with an "I love you" They don't have to know it's coming from all of us! ***Jole***
  12. soulight

    soulight New Member

    It is a hard time for you and your family , but like many people have said , there will be a time when all you remember are the wonderful things about your loved ones did in this life. It sounds like your dad has had a full life and that must make him feel content in the situation that he is in right now.

    Please don't feel afraid to cry . It is a release that God has given us so that we don't hold it in and it comes out some other way that may be painful . If you don't want your parents to hear , how about in the shower with the exhaust fan turned on in the bathroom ? Just an idea.

    You are so right , life on earth is so short. It helps us appreciate life and all it's wonders when we see someone who is leaving this life on earth.

    You say that you wish that you and your parents had a Christian belief in Heaven . What is holding you back ? All it takes is to ask Jesus to come into your life and your heart. Being a Christian is NOT RELIGION. All the foolish television evangelists are just that FOOLS. They are not representing at all .

    Please know that you and your mom and dad are in my prayers. I pray for peace in all circumstances and that you know for sure that He is holding you up and He loves you all.

    Sincerely and in His Grace and Love,
  13. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    I feel so lucky to know such a wonderful group of people. You have shared your heartbreaking stories with me, so many of you have been where I am now. You get it, you understand.

    Each and every one of your posts, with your prayers, suggestions, advice, and kind, loving words have meant so much to me that I have no words to describe my gratitude. I have weeped as I read them.

    This is a wonderful place for me to have come with my grief. You all really stepped up to the plate for me. I love this board.

    I am comforted by the thoughts and feelings you have shared. I have shared you posts with my mother too and she is thankfull.

    At this time my father is in the last few days of his life. He does not require food, or drink, or any meds but liquid Morphine, every 2 to 4 hours. His eyes are mostly fixed and he is nonresponsive for the most part.

    My mother, my children, and I have all told him how much we love him and shared many happy stories from the past. I know he heard us even if he wasn't able to respond.

    My mother is very sad and afraid. I am still holding strong but almost out of my mind with pain and exhaustion. I hope my sister arrives from Iowa tonight in time to tell my father that she loves him and everything will be ok.

    It is hard to hear his death rattle. The RN said this is not uncomfortable for him, just for us.

    My mother has been very upset about his funeral. We all hate them. We do not want any religious ceremony. She has declined pastoral counseling, as did my father, and myself. Because they are so old, to put it bluntly, all of their friends and family have already passed.

    In light of this my mother asked me today if I thought it would be ok if we just didn't have a funeral and only had the military burial at Ft. Sam Houston. I said yes. So no funeral. I don't believe in them anyway and think, depending on the family, that they can be too hard.

    I think she is very relieved about this.

    I have not yet told him that I think it's ok for him to let go, to leave this world of pain. I am waiting for my sister to arrive. I know what to say, I am just dreading it. It is a loving thing I will have to do and I can.

    I don't have anymore time but just wanted you all to know I have read your posts to me and appreciated the wisdom and thoughtfulness in them.

    I will keep you updated as I am able.

    peace and love to all of you dear people

  14. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    My father passes away this afternoon with all of us here. He died peacefully, with no pain or distress.

    We have all been sitting around talking and laughing about the many good times we have had together, sharing good memories of my Dad.

    Although we are very sad we know that his time had come. What is helping us get through this , and will help in the days to come, is the love we have for each other.

    His military burial will take place next week, and we will be proud of his service, just as he was. Boy that man LOVED the Army.

    Anyhow just wanted to let you all know.

    peace and love to all of you

  15. Sacajawea2

    Sacajawea2 Member

    for this time of your father's are so loving as a family, and that comes through for sure! I pray for you for the days ahead...for your mother to hold on to your love to get her through such a time as this. May you find comfort and be able to cry with each other...and keep coming here as you can to find a way to express your feelings. There are so many here who care for you.
    Be good to yourself, rest and take care of your physical body as best as you can.

  16. Doznclan3

    Doznclan3 New Member

    Condolences for you and your family. So nice that family could be there for each other.
    Come on when you can, when you need to.
    Praying for peaceful thoughts and memories.
    Love, Cynthia
  17. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member

    my thoughts and prayers for you at this time....although sad that your beloved father has left this world as we know it, there is comfort in knowing how loved he was by his family and you were there for him during his last days. It is my belief he is in a beautiful place now..and would only want to see you his family happy and doing well. You have been such a good loving daughter, i hope the recovery from grief will be swift and the healing complete for all of you.

    God Bless
  18. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    Although I cry when I read them your posts offering me condolences mean so much.

    We are all hanging in there. I came home for a couple of days to rest My sister and nepphew are at my mothers and are taking good care of her. She is keeping that New England stiff upper lip she is famous for.

    I know that loosing her partner of 60 years is devastating. When I lost my husband I felt like half of my body had been amputated and I didn't quite know how to negotiate in my new world for a long time.

    The memorial service is Tues. He asked to be buried in his everyday green uniform instead of his dress blues, and of course with all his many medals and other insignia. He will have full military honors, exactly like he wanted, including a cason and the 21 gun salute.

    My mother will be presented the flag and I know seeing that and then hearing Taps being played, will be one of the hardest moments in my life.

  19. Sacajawea2

    Sacajawea2 Member

    I'm glad to hear you are taking care of you...and that your mom is in good hands. And that your father's wishes will be honored.

    I wrote a post on Denamay's thread late last night and then decided to take it off this morning, not wanting to upset anyone, but I had mentioned that I worked closely w/ the terminally ill through my in-laws agency for years...and you have been especially close in my heart as I have seen this...but the fact that he had family, love and respect for his wishes just makes me think you will be okay in time...sometimes I don't know my own boundaries and don't want to upset others but it's okay to cry, and I cry for you too, Vivian...

  20. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.