HELP, He doesn't love me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by a121558, Jun 2, 2003.

  1. a121558

    a121558 New Member

    Hi, Thanks for taking the time to read this post. My husband has been upset with me for the last week. I asked him to talk this weekend. He has been ignoring me for a week now. He finally said he's not sure if he still loves me, He's not not sure if he did when we got married. He says when he's upset and angry with me he doesn't love me, but when he's not upset with me then he wants to be with me. Honestly he's usually upset with me 70% of the time. He has taken all control of almost everything in our marriage. He's changed the password to all our accounts, He has all control of the money. He says I spend to much money. The only money I get is from him. Lately I have been spending, trying to make myself feel good. And maybe to make him hurt like I have been. I have cried all weekend. And I moved into the spare bedroom. I am going to a therapist, just started last week. But my husband says I just found one that will tell me the things I want to hear. What I want to hear is how to fix my marriage. He is already in anger management classes now for 7 months. Honestly, I only started with this DD since we've been married 1 year ago. How do I know if he really wants a divorce or really doesn't love me????? Anna
  2. healthywannabe

    healthywannabe New Member

    Oh anna I am so sorry to hear this. from what it sounds to me, he doesnt deserve you. I cant believe he would treat you like this while you are sick! He should never should have changed the accounts.. your, married so its your money too. I know its hard now but from what you told us you would be better off with a divorce. I may be wrong but that is just my opinion! YOu have rights in this marriage too. If he say's he didnt love you when he married you thats his problem he shouldnt be pulling you down. peace..Zoe
    [This Message was Edited on 06/02/2003]
  3. OmShanti

    OmShanti New Member

    You don't deserve to be treated like that; no human being does! I agree with the other post, he doesn't deserve you, but if you do want to work things through, wouldn't it be better for *both* of you to go to therapy *together*? For any marriage to work it's gotta come from both sides, you know? I'm so sorry you have to go through this, especially when you are ill, these DDs are hard enough to deal with!
    Hang in there, you're in my thoughts and prayers
    ~ tara
  4. Notonline

    Notonline New Member

    Nov. of 2000...to be exact. I left my hubby back then, because of some of the same reasons...I don't think he really knew what he wanted then, and wasn't mentally ready for a sick wife and a premature son. We started out in '97 together both poor...and purchased a house that could've qualified for that old movie "Money Pit", so things just snowballed to h&**. We divorced a year later in 2001, I received my final decree around April Fools day of that year. Then we reunited in 2002...I'm in the process of moving back in now. We're still poor, I'm still sick, our son is doing great, and the house is at least stable for now. I can cope with two out of four. And if the road gets rocky down the line...I'll deal with it somehow.

    I think both of you need some time apart...not in the same house. He needs to think if this is what he wants and if so, is he is willing to make an effort, and you need to think about what would make YOU happy, and what you need in life. The first year of marriage is tough...it's a big adjustment period...and it's hard learning that love doesn't mean control. When you start hurting each other out of spite, even if you don't mean too... things get only worse, and that's what can happen.

    They say divorce is worse than death, because death at least has some sense of finialization (burial), I think in some ways that's true. But you need to choose the path that will make you happy...whichever way it leads. It's not your fault that your sick, it's not your fault if your marriage doesn't work...things happen... and if he truly doesn't love you...than someone else WILL...better to figure this all out now than 20 years down the road. I think the only thing in life that is forever is death...and those of us that believe in reincarnation aren't too sure of that one either. So who knows what some time may bring?? Take it one day at a time.


    Take care
    Danny
  5. Larkiexxx

    Larkiexxx New Member

    Anna,

    It is soooo common that our partners become angry when something happens to us and they can't adjust. It doesn't help that he has anger problems either. You didn't specify if you have children. I am hoping that you don't for it adds to your stress and his lack of ability to show you empathy. Most people who have anger problems learned them somewhere along in life. They need to be in control, because otherwise the world is too "out of control" for THEM. This means he can't give a "fig" about how this affects you.

    Empathy is essential in cases where a partner has suddenly become ill, or even gradually. However, it sounds like he is unable to do this. You mention he has been seeing some for his anger problems, BUT has that person ever asked to speak to you? If so, make another appt. to see that person, and describe what your home environment is like, FOR IT IS DIRECTLY EFFECTING YOUR HEALTH! If you have never gone, you need to.

    Marriage counseling could help a lot, especially since a good counselor would see the need for him to learn about your illness and HIS PART in it. It takes time for some people to understand that THEY effect our health. Stress is a big problem when trying to cope and adjust to our DD. And if your partner doesn't "get it" - then shame on him and he needs to learn that his needs are not the only ones that are part of the marriage.

    I am going through this right now. We are just now making some headway after 3 years....and I have 2 children from a previous marriage. I didn't have this DD until AFTER I remarried. Imagine that, and my husband is just now starting to see someone for his anger problems (a direct result of a neglectful and anger upbringing). And he does the same thing - needs to control everything. I just keep reminding him that in reality I don't "need" him to survive and all his blustering is childish and useless.

    What did help me the most was counseling and finding a spiritual way to believe in hope and not feel like the marriage problems were my fault. It sounds like he is looking for you to make the decision to say "fine leave or that it is over." That takes the pressure off of him to change himself. NEXT TIME he says something about not loving you or divorce or other nonsense "tell him fine go ahead, BUT n o matter who he becomes involved with in the future he will still have this problem and he will be a miserable person inside. That might wake him up a bit. He needs to know that he owns his problems...and that he has to grow up, be an adult and learn the "for better or for worse" means just that!

    And then give it 6 months...If he still is acting like a child then leave him. There is no reason to stick with a marriage that is ruining your health. Look into support groups in your area for people with chronic illnesses. And never give up on yourself!

    I have learned to just
    1. Live Life
    2. Do as much good for others as I can along the way.
    3. And shut up until it is my time to go "home"

    Email me any time Larkiexxx@aol.com

    Lisa H.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/02/2003]
  6. Mumu

    Mumu New Member

    It's no coincidence that your illness began when you got married. Mine did too. Many of us with FMS have, or had, controlling husbands. That's why we ended up like this. It's up to you to decide whether YOU love HIM enough to stick with him for life and hope that he matures eventually, or whether you want to get away from the stress and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. My husband did finally overcome his controlling, self-centered nature and is now much more considerate of my feelings, but it took him 30 years to get there.
  7. jlouise

    jlouise New Member

    Anna,
    My ex-husband must be made from the same mold as yours. We went through a horrendous divorce, I hope I can help you from having to go through the same..It sounds as though he has made up his mind, I doubt he'll change overnight. Will he go with you to your doctor so that the doctor can explain your illness, and your limitations? If so, and he still acts like he is, I have a theory.... He is probably angry that you cannot be the woman you once were..If he relied on you too much before, now he has to deal with some of the things he chose not to before your illness. He should be going to therapy to resolve his issues, but that probably won't happen either. Can you speak with his anger management counselor? Perhaps the counselor can address this issue with him. If things don't work out between the two of you, remember this, you are no less of a good wife because you became ill. You did not ask for the illness, and i'm sure if the roles were reversed, you would be supportive of him. You need to let your physician and therapist in on what he is doing, and a lawyer if it comes to that. Also, if you are not in a support group, find one. It helps to have a support group. Above all, take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. You are not a bad person, you have just been dealt a "bad hand". He is the one that chooses to deal with it in the manner he is, and ultimately he will hurt himself by his choices. Good luck.......Jlouise
  8. tansy

    tansy New Member

    My ex didn't approve of my spending any money on trying to get well or seeing people who might help. He was on a good income, and I often worked too after becoming ill, but he hated parting with any of it. He used to joke that what was his was his and what was mine was ours. Even thought that was clever.

    He hated my being ill and disabled, I'm sure he felt it threatened HIS ambitions and needs.

    Unlike you I did at least have some good years and a wonderful son as a result of my marriage. But I became ill and he changed as he felt his career was taking off.

    The man I divorced is not the man I married, the man he is now is far worse than the man I divorced. I'm glad to be out of it.

    My big mistake was making excuses for him for too long, he came from a dysfuctional family +++++.

    You are too ill to have to cope with all this, you need support and some tranquility at home. He's getting help with his anger but it seems you are not getting help with your needs. This is not a balanced relationship.

    Please please take care of yourself and your needs but only do what you know deep down is right. We can make suggestions, describe our experiences, encourage you, but this is your life and only you can decide what you must do for the present and future.

    Hugs from across the Atlantic.

    Tansy
  9. RedB

    RedB New Member

    you BOTH need to be going to see a therapist -- together!

    If he doesn't love you when he is angry with you, but he still wants to be with you at other times, then it is WHAT YOU DO, that he does not love -- not you, yourself. It's pretty easy to confuse the two.

    You didn't let us know exactly how much you were spending, and what you were spending it on, so we can't really give a judgment on that. If you're spending just out of orneriness, then that is wrong.

    Definitely find a therapist for both of you to talk to.

    Kathy
  10. mamafurr

    mamafurr New Member

    everyone on here has given some wonderful advice! it's a pity those who respond know all too well where you are in this relationship. selfish is a word that comes to mind for men that treat their wives this way. no respect for women and that is where the control issues come in. they want you to feel incompetant w/out them. and then you do something to help yourself i.e. therapist and he has to shoot that down to. what a wimp.

    if he says he doesn't love you, or doesnt' know if he ever did....pay heed. he is incapable of loving anyone sounds like, so please don't take that personally. although easier said than done. we always then wonder...what if i did something different? it's always our fault. do you have family you could go to stay with? at least for a little while. if he has anger problems, maybe you should not be around. this is detrimental to your stress level, then you suffer more from this dd.

    please stay strong. it is so difficult when you are feeling ill and have such minimal support from home. write often and vent!
    take care.
  11. LITEFLAMES

    LITEFLAMES New Member

    Anna I to am sorry to hear abought what's going on w/ you & you,r hubby, I know the filling of not being loved , And now you have this DD, Well, All i can say is be wise ,,,Yes try everything to keep you"r Marrage together if that's what you want , he sounds very immature (spelling sucks!
    I do know this , I'v been married twice , I'll give you advise if thing's get to the End ,Wear you Can't take it anymoor, DO NOT LEAVE the HOME you share together!!!
    You'r Sick w/ this DD, No juge will put you out , Also dont know if you have kids or not /or how long you"v been married , But Get copy's of your & his Spending , Medicail
    info anything& everything you can, Paper work ,WILL help you if it coms to divorse!!!!, My husbands x wife charged like a crazy women & they looked at all of that & she had to pay her own credit cards ect,,, I Fill so sorry for you , I could go on & on, What I will say ,{Is thear a christain counceler You 2 could see together???/}As Fare as you being sick keep all you'r record's, Get Dr's to put in writing that you cannot work becuse of you diognoises
    I have 4 Dr"s in writing that all argee i have fibro& Canot work, Most of all right this minute i'm going to stop & pray for you & you'r husband , Fill my pray"r ,I know that may sound werd, But the power of prayer is AWsome!!!!
    I just said a prayer for you , You know its so true, When we -r- At the lowest we fill we can be ,,We look back & see how God has led us throw !!!!
    Best wish's ANNA
    love cindy
    Pss::: PLEASE KEEP US Posted' We are hear for each other
    keep the faith ,
    [This Message was Edited on 06/02/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 06/02/2003]
  12. southstars_tat2s

    southstars_tat2s New Member

    I am recently separated from my husband too. He said he didn't love me either and I was always sick. Welll....my husband has been in jail for 2 weeks now(for non-payment of child support from wife #1's kids). I have been getting some of the most lovely sentimental letters from jail you would ever want to read.He jhas promissed noty to call me a lazy fat B&*^h and promissed to get a job and provide so I can take care of myself. Oh..and he also has promissed to be loving and attentive to me. Guess what???? I don't give a crap if he promisses to high heaven...whats done is done. Hopefully I can move on...5 yrs with this hatefull man are enuff..I wish U the best also:eek:)
  13. Sissy123

    Sissy123 New Member

    You need to get control of your accounts. He sounds like he has this all worked out and sounds to be like he has his mind made up. Get your accounts in order now! He just sounds like a very controling person and in anger manangement he may have found out things about himself that have changed him. Like he may feel, the reasons he picked you to marry is because he could control you. He may not want that anymore. Maybe he has met someone else. Is he spending time away and you dont know where he is or the answers dont add up, or most of all do you feel it in your gut that something is not right? Protect yourself first and then talk to your therapist about what you have told us. He may not be worth keeping. He said some pretty cold things to you. And you are in the guest room? That is not a good sign. Sounds to me you are giving up and blaming yourself, when it really, really sounds like he is not on the same page as you when it comes to wanting to save your marriage. You dont want to be left high and dry if he leaves. Get your accounts in order. Talk to your banker now!!! Good luck and keep us informed because we are here for you and we will do what we can to help you through this. Love Sis ps. People that love you dont say those mean things to you. The old saying,"Love means never having to say I am sorry" comes to mind, and Love is actions, Not Words.