Help! I'm So Blue!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by MsE, Jul 5, 2010.

  1. MsE

    MsE New Member

    I need to vent! It is almost 11:00 PM and I can't sleep. Tomorrow is my youngest daughter's 45th birthday. She lives in another city approximately 4 hours from me--5 by bus. She called this evening to tell me about all the people coming to her bar-b-q that she decided to throw. Yes, I've known about it for a week or so, but I've spent most of the last month completely wiped out. So when she first told me about it I told her I doubted I would be there.

    Anyway, this evening's phone call told about what a large gathering it is turning into--relatives and friends will be there, including three of my grandkids I seldom see. Now I know, without a doubt, that this particular daughter is the type who will drag herself to work even if she is miserable with a cold, and she has told me in the past that "there are some things you just do." So, although she says not to worry about it, she understands, I don't think she really does. In fact, I know she doesn't. Not really. She typifies someone who operates by "mind over matter."

    All of this has made me feel terribly guilty and sad and depressed. So I phoned her back a half hour ago and left a message on her answering machine that if I possibly could, I would be there tomorrow evening. I would take the bus and then a taxi to her place. But I know this is ridiculous of me because periodically each day, I get short of breath, weak, and sleep a lot. I've had to cut short other visits with relatives and friends here in my own town and come home and rest.

    This is the first time in ages that having this dd has broken my spirits to the point of bawling like a baby. My mind tells me I am being ridiculous, but my heart is breaking that I won't be with my girl and much of the family on her birthday. I am just heartsick and depressed that this stupid, idiotic, disgusting illness is ruling my life. I want to yell and holler and use every bad word I can think of.

    There. Thank you for letting me vent. MsE
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Wears ya out, don't it?! These DDs take away so much. Job, friends, family, fun,
    money, etc. Expecting kin to understand is pretty much wishful thinking.

    Remember Fanny Brice? She used to sing a song:
    I'd rather be blue, thinking of you,
    Than be happy with somebody else.

    Like everything else in the world, it can be heard on Youtube.

    Hope you feel better tomorrow.

  3. MsE

    MsE New Member

    I needed that, and I appreciate your light touch, Rock.

    I'm 75, and I think that is one of the main reasons this daughter's birthday celebration seems so very important to me. Face it: how many more am I going to be able to attend?

    Ah to hell with it! Bless her little lack of understanding heart--this, too, shall pass. I've been making myself worse for the past two hours just stewing about this. Enough! My blood pressure jumps waaaay too high when I get anxious, and I AM anxious about this.

    Thanks again. Your introductory paragraph immediately brightened my spirits. My head aches, Rock, so I'm gonna pop a pill and go to bed. In too damned old for this nonsense. Thanks for writing!
  4. heapsreal

    heapsreal New Member

    Im sure there will be a few beers at the bbq, knock a couple back, it always helps me at family gatherings, lol. I dont drink very much at all but sometimes letting your hair down with a few drinks switches on the circuits upstairs and feel almost normal. Maybe the xmrv virus gets drunk and falls over helping us to feel normal, lol

  5. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Actually, my daughter is a winner in most things. She has to work all day from about 7:00 AM until right before all the guests arrive at 6:00. There is no way she could come and get me and bring me home. Her hours of work wouldn't allow it, and she has a little boy who has to be in school. Well, I guess she could have come yesterday if she had felt it important that I be there, but.... Hmm. Guess that says a bit, huh?
  6. MsE

    MsE New Member

    What is this thing you mentioned--a good night's sleep? Hmmm. I think I remember that from my childhood. It is when you go to bed, go to sleep, and wake up in the morning? Right? Yup. I remember that. :)

    Yes, my CFS is getting progressively worse. It is now influencing my heart, causing erratic blood pressure. I'm retaining pounds of excess fluid. Medication helps some, but not much. Overall, these days all I want to do is run short errands and then nap. Yesterday I took a 20 minute slow walk and felt so proud of myself! But I can't do that very often. The doc hasn't found anything interesting wrong. Chalks it up to stress caused by CFS.

    It is difficult to stay positive and bring positive things into my life when I feel so weak and wobbly much of the time. That's what my young one doesn't understand. That, and the way this dd stuff comes and goes. Planning to do things that take me out of town, unless someone is with me, is so difficult. I don't trust myself to drive that far, and I know my daughter thinks that is ridiculous. She really believes I could will myself better. Well, I'm trying, but it isn't working very well right now.

  7. MsE

    MsE New Member

    The beer cure might work (thought I would prefer a chilled glass of wine) but first I would have to get my rear over to her city, and that I don't have the energy to do. Thanks for writing though. Now I have a picture of all these little viruses, drunk as skunks and out of commission, lying around blowing bubbles!
  8. MsE

    MsE New Member

    You did it! You cheered me! No, I don't feel good. No, I'm not going to try to go to that birthday bash. But you know what? It isn't the end of the world. It is (again) time to quit doubting myself. I KNOW when taking part is feasible and when it isn't, and I simply have to quit stewing abut what other people think. When I'm in the middle of a really stinky exacerbation like this one, the best medicine for me is to listen to what my body is telling me and quit fighting it. And if I'm judged harshly by some folks for that--well, tough. I need to handle it more lightly. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't do it often, but this time I really needed to howl! Thanks. MsE

  9. heapsreal

    heapsreal New Member

    Glad u got a giggle out of it.

  10. MsE

    MsE New Member

    When I'm so stressed and tired, I overreact. Well, now my feet are back on the ground and I know if I continue to live a simple life right here at home for a few more weeks, this exacerbation will ease.

    It was brought on by a nasty reaction to an antibiotic--a really strong one--so the exacerbation seems to me to have been worse than they usually are. But, this, too, shall pass and I'll hop the bus and pay my girl a visit when I'm feeling better. In the meantime, I need to do what I know is most likely to help me pull it all back together. Thanks, all of you. MsE
  11. sascha

    sascha Member

    even if they are your family. it sounds impossible. i couldn't do it no matter how much i wanted to be there. family matters can break our hearts-

    if there were some way you could be wafted there- and have a fallback place to go to nearby- and someone to attend you and convey you----maybe.....

    it's so hard. we just can't do things, and it's very very sad for us, and when our dearest people don't get it it puts all kinds of stress on us- not to mention the grief that's already there because we can't do it in the first place. so sooooooo sorry-

    i'm contending with such issues, too. i'm 68, have toddler twin grandchildren and want desperately to be part of their lives but have to limit what i can do, and always doing anything is more than i can tolerate and i go down and have to recover. we walk a very difficult path- i wish you so well- very best, sascha
  12. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Thank goodness for this board, Sascha! Last night's tears have dried up, and I feel much more determined to take care of myself. I know it would be foolish to go to the party. Once I got there, I would end up finding a place and going to sleep. Now what kind of fun would that be? For me OR for my daughter? Actually, it would spoil the fun for many people who would start worrying when they saw I wasn't coping well, and believe me--these days it shows.

    As you said, "family matters can break our hearts". Yes. It must be very difficult wanting to be part of your twins' lives more than you are able to. And, I think the older I get, the more quickly time is slipping away, the more difficult it is to accept these limitations with grace. Learning to be happy in spite of life's problems is tricky. I haven't been doing a very good job of it the last few weeks, I'm afraid.
  13. MsE

    MsE New Member

    I just talked to my daughter on the phone. (I had left my rendition of the birthday song on her phone earlier.) I told her I wouldn't be coming over because I didn't want to be the old lady hunkered down in the bedroom under a blanket or dragging through the house raining on the parade, etc.

    She said she understood perfectly and thought I was making a wise decision and to quit worrying about it. Then I told her that after this bout lifted, I would come over and she and I would have a mom-daughter day to make up for it--my treat. That pleased her.

    I think this has been another example of tired me making a mountain out of a molehill. Thank you, dear friends, for all your support. You are a terrific group of people! MsE
  14. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Your note reminded me of a motto I read and liked many moons ago: "Don't explain; don't complain." Sounds like you live that way. I try to, but last night I definitely slipped up. I DO try to keep my complaining, when something is driving me nuts, to this board as you people truly understand. I'm so glad you're here, 'cause staying positive is hard.
  15. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    I so can relate to how you feel.. Have done this sooooooooo many time and my children are only a few miles away except for one daughter in FL, she has been there 14 yrs and I have only been able to visit her once , that was 12 yrs ago..
    Please don't feel guilt you have NO reason . You would have gone if you were able.. It makes us so sad and depressed when we want to go and do but our bodies won't let us..

    My dear friend, my heart breaks for you and I feel your pain but you must take care of you, that is what your children would want...Now I need to take my own advice..

  16. MsE

    MsE New Member

    It really does get down to carefully measuring the amount of energy one has and using it wisely. Fortunately, as I noted earlier on this page, I talked with my daughter this morning, and this time she sounded completely understanding. I told here when this exacerbation bit the dust (and it will) I would pay her a visit and we would have a good mom-daughter day.

    A major family reunion isn't in the works this summer, Aussiewoman, but my gang often get together a couple of times a year, and usually I can attend because I ride with my son and daughter-in-law. This time, however, they have to work and won't be going. But, as I wrote earlier, I was making a mountain out of a molehill (again) which I tend to do when this stuff hits hard and everything is out of whack.

    Greatgran, has your Florida daughter been able to visit you at your home?