Help! Just found out Mom with AD has another daughter!

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by Vouty7@comcast.net, May 22, 2010.

  1. Vouty7@comcast.net

    Vouty7@comcast.net New Member

    I am caregiver to my mom and her only child, or so I thought for 49 years. She is off on a trip right now with friends who are wonderful enough to take her under their wing and give me a break and give mom one last vacation. I am not sure she should have gone but she wanted to and I know that she is going to come back exhausted but oh well...if she had fun, then so be it.

    I take care of everything for her to keep her in her own home and we are on the verge of getting Home Health Care in now to help.

    Friday I picked up her mail as usual and opened it as usual. I have to weed out things that upset my mom and also I take care of all her bills etc. This is where my life was turned upside down, even more so than her diagnosis of AD.

    I found a card forwarded from a Catholic agency that specializes in adoptions. In the card was another card, a Mother's Day Card with a letter from the daughter my mom gave up for adoption back in I think 1955. The woman, my 'sister', apparently wants to meet my mom. It appears there have been prior letters at some point. I googled and facebooked the woman and she looks exactly like my mom. I mean scary exact!!!!!!!!!!!! She even was wearing the same shirt my mom had on last year for her 69th birthday and we put the pictures side by side and OMG.

    My mom had eluded to a big secret several times but has said she wasn't ready to tell me. I also know she had a horrible childhood with an abusive father, because her mother died when she was 9, and an aunt took her in when she was in high school. That means after the baby was born she went to live with my aunt.

    Now......I believe I should talk to her about it and tell her it is ok and ask her if she wants to meet her daughter. But I need advice. I am thinking it will help her to get the secret out but I am not sure.

    Also, this poor woman, my sister, knows nothing about our mom's AD. My sister had a good life and says so in her letter but wants to thank my mom for sacrificing to give her that life. Also, she has a son, so my mom has another grandson. Ironically named the same name as my grandson (My mom's great

    HELP!!!!!!!!
  2. HeavenlyRN

    HeavenlyRN New Member

    (Jamin......AD is Alzheimer's Dementia)

    Wow, I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you when you opened that letter.

    You sound like a very caring and understanding daughter. I guess the answer to your question would depend on how bad your mom's dementia is. I would imagine that, if she is able to go on vacation, that she probably still has some cognizance left. Now, keep in mind that I'm no expert, although I am a nurse and have worked with the elderly for 18 years.

    I would think that meeting her other daughter would be OK. If her dementia is severe, SHE might not get much out of a meeting, but her daughter/your sister probably would. It would be nice for her to meet her mom before the dementia progresses any further. It would probably also be nice for your mom's other grandson.

    And......it would be nice for you (I think) to have some connection to your mom in the future.

    I hope I'm not off base giving you this advice. And, I wish you good luck. Keep us posted......we're nosy like that! :)
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board.

    I agree w/ Heavenly. The meeting would probably benefit your sister. Might
    benefit your mom.

    I think I would leave the letter for mom to read. Let her tell you what she
    wants to do. Sometimes we just muddle through as best we can.

    Good luck

    Rock
  4. Misfit101

    Misfit101 New Member

    Wow. What an amazing thing to have happen. I agree with the other 3 very wise posters. An added bonus is if you ended up connecting in a positive way with this woman. You sound like a very accepting person. You just might make a life long friend and a cousin for your son! I hope things work out in a positive way for you and your mother.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/25/2010]
  5. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I hope that if your mother doesn't want to meet your "sister," that you seriously consider whether you might want to meet her yourself. Later on you may have a "hole" in your life knowing a sister exists that you never met, and you don't know how that could impact your life. Just think about it. Take care and hugs.