Help marriage in trouble

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by napolina, Oct 24, 2005.

  1. napolina

    napolina New Member

    I have been with my husband 12 years, and have been married a year and a half. We are at the point of seperation. My husband is a police officer and has control issues. I can't get him to show any emotion about anything. Well, he does show anger. He works 2 jobs and tells me nothing about what he does. I have to pry it out of him. I am an open book. I tell him everything and he hurts me with it when it is convenient for him. He tells me he only tells me things that he thinks i can handle. He says he never cheated on me but recently I went in his bag and found a picture of 2 girls topless on a boat and they were going at it. I kept it from him for 3 days so i can figure out how to approach him. When I finally did he was so angry that I kept it from him. We still arn't talking. He said this would have never happened if I didn't go through his stuff. I feel the only way i know anything about him is if I snoop. I know he is doing something wrong but I cant put my finger on it. I can't deal with it anymore. Should I stay or should I go?
  2. lisadot

    lisadot New Member

    Hi Napolina,
    What an awful thing for you to have found. I guess I look at it this way, it takes two to make a marriage work. And the only way I could see you reaching some kind of resolution is through counseling.

    You can't have a marriage where you are worried every day and trying to sneak looking through his stuff. Well, you could, but I doubt you would be happy that way. And it wouldn't be great in terms of his privacy - not that I can imagine you care about that right now (and I wouldn't blame you).

    He's giving you a load of garbage when he says it never would have happened if you didn't go through his stuff. Fact probably is, given the evidence, HE DID DO IT, even if you never saw it. I think that's his way of trying to protect himself. Like it's easier to cast blame at you, than be responsible for his own actions - that's what I call immature.

    If he won't go to counseling, I suggest you go it alone. If he won't go to counseling, I'd say you have to think long and hard whether or not you want to live that way. He doesn't own you, and only you can allow him to control you.

    Only you will know in time if you can forgive him. It's a tall order, but I guess some people can do it. But, I think it would take a major change of attitude on his part. And I think you need some real support in terms of dealing with the pain you've got to be feeling. I've been there and done that, and I'd had enough and got out, but that was my past marriage, not yours. Only you can decide what's best for you.

    I'm glad I could be here to read this right after you wrote it. I was looking for comfort myself as I'm having surgery (gallbladder) in the morning. Strange how being supportive of you, makes me feel more supported myself.

    (((((((((((Napolina))))))))))

    lisadot



  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of this illness, it makes everything so much harder! But don't let him place the blame on you, it takes 2 to make a marriage work, and it just doesn't sound like he's stepping up to the plate right now.

    Marriage counselling would be a great place to start as it gives you BOTH a safe place to vent with the therapist as mediator actually...

    And as Lisa suggested, if he won't go, you should go anyway for support and an objective view in deciding and going ahead with whatever you decide to do.

    I hope it all works out for the best, either way.

    ((hugs))
    Victoria
  4. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    SWEETIE ......you have several issues here to deal with and all are hard.
    Look up SPOONS and make a copy and leave for him with a rose or his favorite bottle of beer or candy...some little thing that says "I am thinking of you and us" and he can sit and sip his beer and read it!? But NO pressure.
    He needs some TLC also and to know he is wanted and appreciated.
    ==========
    Being in law enforcement is hard in so many ways. The best officers learns to turn off emotions in order to survive them selfs. Think of these calls:

    Car/train accident. Children mangled.

    Domestic Violence (one of the most dangerous for officers).

    Child sex offense. They rip you apart mentally.


    Woman stabbed in head by her husband.

    Neighbors arguing. The officers get called all sorts of names for not taking "their" part in the disagreement.

    Everyone tells you that you work for them as they are tax payers (answer should be then: "Well then am I self employeed"? or "I think I will give my self a raise"!..).

    Everyone takes their upsets onto the officer and makes him the punching bag, Verbally or physically. They see TV shows and they know how it is to be done or could be handled..LOL!

    Not all laws fits every situation, but officers has to follow the law and can not make one up as they go. Not all laws are always fair.So much more than above......
    ============
    But he goes home and is tired, hungry, wanting a little sanity around him, a safe haven and his/her mate to cuddle with. He wants to relax and forget the day.
    If children they whine that they want a new video game and he is thinking of the child he removed from a rat infested home that was dirty and hungry and the child was home a lone.
    So if he is yelled at for minor things, or nagging and pouting......trash not going out, did not pick up dry cleaning......endless list......Officer just wants to retreat further. He might react verbally.

    Anyhow we have two souls here....victims of the same insanity of the job. Both are important and both have legitment complaints and hurt feelings.

    I think therphy is a must, to learn how to deal with all of this. You both need it for yourself. But if he refuses at first..go yourself. He probably will in time.

    The picture? I do not see it as important. He was "red faced" for having it and reacted. Someone might of given it to him and had been showing it to other officers? Not right, but a guy thing at time.

    He also CAN NOT SHARE everything that happens. That is a dept. "No-No". He also is full of anger and frustration over all he answered calls for that day. He wants to just relax and turn it off for a while. He has to..in order to survive.

    Your needs are not unimportant, I do not think that at all! But work at it, give it time. Read on such, see a counselor or such. Good marriages are made and they take work. Takes more than love, but that is also important. I hope and pray for both of you that it turns into a strong good relationship. GOD BLESS YOU BOTH...Prayers and love coming your way!
    I hope you do not think I have been too pushy (whatever)..



  5. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    did he explain how he came about the pictures? had he been out on a boat with some buddies? did it look like it was a boat from a far or one he may have been on?

    i would couseling like everyone else. i have been through a 14 and a half marriage plus beenwithhime 4 years prior to marriage. didn't ever think he would do me wrong but i sure was wrong.

    i found phone numbers called him on it and said he kept it just incase something ever to happen to me...hmmm....
    then i had a stripper call me and say basically he had been with my husband for sometime...

    i suspeted things but wasn't sure how i was going to find out. part of it i was trusting him.

    so w/o going into all the long details follow your heart and trust your gut... and use your heard and so many people on the outside can see what is going on but you will have to come to terms and find out for yourself...

    did he admit to an affair? i know afairs are common in that profession, i almost think almost most men cheat and women are catching up with them.

    if he won't go to counseling you need to go for yourself you can change the relationship w/or with out him. and if he wants to be with you he will do what it takes to be with you. and if he does walk the other way he will soon find out the grass is not greener it is pretty brown.

    take care of yourself and call your counselor or psycologist to help you get through this one. it is tough i'm not going to lie to you.

    best wishes and yes i would snoop.

    p.s. my ex-husband told me of a hiding place he kept pics of other women in his gun case behind the foam...i didn't think of ever looking there. wished i did...

    oh well you can forgive him but he must earn it as well.


    by for now

    jodie