Help please

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by NewEnglander, Apr 28, 2003.

  1. NewEnglander

    NewEnglander New Member

    I think I'm going to change my name after this. I could use some support but please do not let this post upset you. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone.
    Anyway to the point here. my husband told me today that he wished I was dead.. He was painting the kitchen door and I was afraid that the paint fumes were going to hurt my 2 birds and begged him to help me carry the bird cages into the bedroom where they would be safe. He was mad, but did it. Then I asked him if he could please pick up my pain meds at the pharmacy for me. he got mad, just said wish you were dead. he told me he only married me for my body. I got him going today by nagging him about honsesty. it just got him going. He knows I sometime think about dying, that it would be a way to be free from pain. I talk about it sometimes. The thing is I have a 12 yr old son that I adore who needs me so much. I would never leave him. Also I'm a Christian and I believe I do not have the right to take my life, my life is not my own. I gave it to Jesus 3 yrs ago. I'm just in shock over those words. I told him that he just gave me a reason to live. after he said he wished I was dead, well he said he would help me along. That's the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I'm wicked scared of what this is going to do to my health. He told me I should have no problem getting another husband, just to make sure that the next one has money. I feel wicked guilty since I stopped working last summer. I'm really fighting to get stronger, better. I want to work. I'm kinda scared to post this. anyway you don't know me. sorry for such a bad post.
    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2003]
  2. kurczr00

    kurczr00 New Member

    It sounds as if you are all suffering - please sit down and talk to your hubby and son and help them understand what you are going through. Don't let this disease destroy your family! I/we are hear to listen - keep writing and venting!
  3. ForeverFlaring

    ForeverFlaring New Member

    What an awful thing to say! Sometimes husbands feel at a loss because they cannot "fix" us like they can fix a broken lawnmower or bad plumbing. Perhpas his own insecurities were coming out. I am not excusing his words by any means. That is a horrible thing for anyone to say.

    Come here and post messages when you are down. There is no need to change your name, nobody will judge you here. You said you gave your life to Jesus 3 years ago. Would it be possible for you to seek counseling services through your church? When my husband and I were going through a rough patch, my church actually paid for marraige counseling for us. Just a thought.

    Please know you are cared for here, even if we don't know you. We are a unity of faceless names, full of love, compassion, and caring for all who suffer from this DD and the effects it has on our lives.
  4. PatPalmer

    PatPalmer New Member

    When I saw your post.

    You don`t need to change your name or anything for that matter. You have my upmost sympathy, my ex husband was a totally selfish controlling b*****d, and we hadn`t married through love, I was pregnant.

    Every time he verbally hurt me it chipped away at my heart till one day I was left with absolutely no feeling whatsoever, my children were 11 & 13 - But I walked... Best thing I ever did...

    You don`t deserve to be treated and spoken to in that way, could you survive financially without him ?
    It`s easier said than done but to stay with someone who obviously has no love or respect for you will never make you happy. Only option is plan B, whatever it entails.

    Do you have a supportive family ?

    Sometimes threatening divorce or even a temporary split may make him realise that he does love you after all, does em good to threaten sometimes. Even if it means leaving for a while.

    Honey, don`t take that c**p, if you let him he will continue to walk all over you. You know you deserve better.

    I wish there were more I could say to help you, but unfortunately only you and family or close friends can help.

    I am now married to a man who puts me first and I dearly love. You deserve the same, life`s too short.

    Wishing you all the very best, have strength.

    Lots of love Pat.X
  5. achy

    achy New Member

    I wish i could give ya a geltle, warm fuzzies hug. I don;t have any magic wisdom for you, just a shoulder to cru on.
    does sound like you both need to sit down and talk..after the painting and errands and work is done and neither of you is acting or speaking out of anger.

    I too have thought of ending it..not that I ever would...But I can't imagine what i would feel if my hubby said that to me. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Warm fuzzies Achy
  6. amy987

    amy987 New Member

    Since you are a Christian, you probably have a support network at your church. PLEASE reach out to your pastor or fellow parishoners for love and fellowship. Do not allow your husband to treat you with such disrespect. Your son does need you--and so do we.

    With love,

    Amysmom
  7. gottalottalove

    gottalottalove New Member

    I will pray for you and your family newenglander. Bless you for being to brave and having the courage to reach out on the board. This in itself will help you cope tonight. I know people can be hurtful when they themselves are frustrated and dont know how to cope. I too have a husband and two sons around the same age. Men like to think they can fix everything and at this point he cannot. Now is probably not the time to try and communicate with him so let us communicate and support you. Im sure your husband is very confused and frustrated with the medical community because they cannot take away this awful disease. I want you to know that tomarrow will come and new challenges. God bless you and please be gentle with yourself. Try to take a bath and release some of your sadness. peace-out Tina
  8. a121558

    a121558 New Member

    Dear NewEnglander, Please be strong for your sake and your childs. I too hear nasty things from my husband on occasion. He says I'm getting fat. 1 thing I keep repeating often to myself that helps. My great grandmother once told me that GOD never gives you anything he knows you can't handle. Although there are days I really question that. I hope you have a support person or persons. I usually go to my mom. I've learned through books and classes that usually it is not you they are angry with but something else. It's just you that gets the brupt of it. You have to take care of yourself first or you will not be any good to anyone else. Including your child. Can you get away for a couple of days? Or possibly move to another room which could just be yours? I use the spare bedroom. And sometimes all it takes is 1 or 2 days. And then my husband will sit down to talk about what is really upsetting him. I really do know how you feel when those kind of words are said to you. But PLEASE believe me. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON and deserving of love. So be gentle to yourself and give yourself some TLC. Anna
  9. upoemaker

    upoemaker New Member



    Dear Friend,

    You are not the person with a problem in this relationship. Your husband is the person with the problem.

    You didn't specify how you got diagnosed, where or by whom. Do you live in a rural area? I would guess you might. If I'm wrong, please correct me. A lot of times rural or small city areas simply do not have the medical folks available to deal with our problems in the best way. Your husband may not really have a clue about what's going on with your illness and is angry and frustrated that you are sick but doesn't get the whole picture.

    You need to see a doctor who will demand that she can sit down with both of you to discuss this illness you are suffering from. Are you on medication? Your twelve year old loves you no matter what and I'm sure you know that. That child is the center of your life, I'm sure. Your husband needs to learn to understand your problem.

    Fill us in with the details of your doc, meds, living situation, location, etc. I'm sure many people here can give you wonderful advice. And as I said before, NEVER feel guilty for being ill. This is self-defeating and you need to empower yourself and help people around you to recognize the truth. It's the only way you can feel better!

    Am I preaching??? SORRY, but I'm very concerned about you!

  10. 1Candee

    1Candee New Member

    I too could not pass this up w/o replying. No one deserves to be treated like that and I can imagine how that is making you feel if you are as sick as some of us on this board. Men can be heartless at times-does he know about your illness? Have you been diagnosed? Like the others have said--you take care of YOU for you and your son. This is the place where you can come in good times and bad and vent to your heart's content. We all understand how hard it is living w/ this DD and especially hard when others do not understand and aren't there to give you the support that you deserve. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Welcome, my friend! Cat
  11. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    God Bless you, dear one and wrap you in His loving arms and protect you from evil. Many, many prayers are being lifted up for you now, so be at peace. Know that His warriors are there to fight for you in this time of need. I strongly believe this and you must as well.
    Having said that, you need to make some decisions. Can you seek Christian counseling? I strongly feel this is needed for both of you, but if he won't go, you should. It'll give you the courage and the strength to change what you can. Remember the Serenity Prayer? Claim it as your own and believe it with all your heart. I do and the devil tries his damndest to destroy me and he has nearly succeeded many times. My ex-husband used to say that it wasn't God's will for me to have survived being born prematurely at 2 pounds...he said that I'd have been better off if I had died then because it would've saved both of us and our family much anguish. So, I understand how you're feeling. Sadly, our marriage did not survive this. We sought counseling and our marriage failed anyway. We married when I was 17 and pregnant. We'd dated each other since we were 14 and had never dated anyone else. It was a mistake from the beginning, but it didn't excuse his cruel remarks. Your husband may beg your forgiveness as an abusive husband does....later. You need to be strong enough to make wise decisions for you and your son. Your health is so important.
    I will pray and pray for you, sweetie, and you must pray, too.
    In Christ,
    Kady
    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2003]
  12. tansy

    tansy New Member

    The only solution for me and my son was to end the marriage. It's a decision made years ago and which neither I, not my son, regret.

    Sure it was hard, I believed one should work at a marriage but I finally had to concede it was doing no one any good.

    My ex was just as cruel, thought because I was so ill and disabled he could get away with it. He was actually shocked when I called it a day.

    From the moment I ended it all I felt liberated. I'd gone through all the emotions as things got steadliy worse.

    It seems so much harder to deal with when you're ill but you cannot let things go on like this. My son was suffering from the terrible atmosphere far more than he did from us splitting up.

    Please do something, but it has to be what's right for you.

    Disablity and chronic illnesses frequently cause marriages to fail, it puts so much strain upon the relationship that that cracks just give way.

    Thinking of you

    Tansy
    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2003]
  13. truthseeker67

    truthseeker67 New Member

    Please seek out help in your church and with your doctor. You and your family are worth it. There is no need to be embarrassed, EVERYONE goes through struggles of some sort.

    FM/CFS absolutely attack our nervous system, thus leaving many of us struggling with bouts of depression and severe anxiety. I myself would not use medication, but when I realized that this was something seperate from my faith and that it had a had a scientific reason I started on Zoloft. It has helped me so much. God does use medicine and doctors to help us.

    Praying you find strength, hope, discernment, peace, and comfort.

    Truth

  14. upoemaker

    upoemaker New Member


    Never blame yourself! Never listen to anyone who tells you that you are less than another person. Believe in your heart that you are a child of heaven and represent the Creator on earth. You are a mirror of love.

    God loves you just as you are. No one, no one! should ever tell you that you cannot be your own wonderful person. If you are sick, as all of us are who are here on this board, God loves you. No one has a right to tell you how to live your day to day life when you are ill, except you and your doctor.

    Take control of this situation. Be brave and love your son. Please send me an email and perhaps I can help you. I've been there with a similar situation and I know how horribly painful a relationship can be when nothing seems to go right.

    My email is upoemaker@hotmail.com

    Please let me hear from you. I think we can talk about what's going on there and maybe in my old age, I can help you to focus on your commitment to your family and your life. Please respond.
  15. RedB

    RedB New Member

    Please make sure that your husband truly meant what he was saying before you let his words totally freak you.

    Sometimes, and I know this, because I have been there, people get upset for unknown reasons and lash out in very nasty ways. When you are very upset, you tend to want to say things that hurt someone at their weakest point. In your case, the fact that sometimes you lose hope in living.

    There's a possibility that your husband, for whatever reason, just wanted to hurt you badly with his words. Perhaps he didn't really mean them. Years ago, when my husband drank, and it upset me, I would lash out at him in horrible ways. I do so regret some of the things I said, but I truly wanted to hurt him.

    This may not be what is going on in your situation, but please look into it before you panic. This illness is sometimes very hard for our spouses to live with.

    Good luck,
    Kathy
  16. Sissy123

    Sissy123 New Member

    Your hushand sounds like he could use a break. Maybe he has been overdoing it and it is hard on your family to deal with your pain also. On fibrohugs.com you will find a letter to "Normals" and a letter for "Fibromites", us. It will help you both, including your precious son. Do not even let the thought of killing yourself enter your mind. As mother you can not entertain that thought any longer. Your husband may be really upset at your depression. Please get some help if you are feeling this way. You can say what ever you want on here and someone will listen because we are in the same boat you are. Have you seen any doctors? Please get back with me soon so we can talk. My e-mail is ArrowheadsS@aol.com. I will be here to talk to you. Please use this site to help you. Everyone here is so helpful you cant imagine. We are here for you and your family.
  17. Jane57

    Jane57 New Member

    At least your are talking to someone. Even if it is people you cannot see. I have a husband that has Multiple Sclerosis and has some difficulty walking, but will still do errands for me because I am having a very bad day with the DD. I do know from my experience that it is very frustrating that life is nothing like it used to be with both of us having problems. Your husband sounds like he is a horrible person for not understanding you and hleping you. Has he always been this way or just since you have gotten sick? If just since you got sick I would say he is very frustrated that things or not like they used to be, but if he has always been this way somewhat I would say "Oddious" (not sure I said that right) If you do not have someone that is understanding at all it sure could make you worse in your symptoms because of stress. Hang in there though no matter what though!!! Theay may come up with an answer to this disease though in the near future and we can all go back to a somewhat normal life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  18. TooFoggy

    TooFoggy New Member

    Dear NewEnglander,
    I'm a Christian, a parent, and an facilitator/educator in fibromyalgia support groups in Oregon.
    I will pray for you -- I'm Catholic and am getting deeper and deeper into my faith. Have you ever spoken to a priest? Even if you're not Catholic a good priest can bring relief to your suffering -- call your Archdiocese if you don't know anyone who you trust to refer you to a good confessor. (I'm aware of the whole scandal stuff and prefer we not "go there" for this message board! You may prefer finding a female Pastoral Associate. I've finally come to trust priests again.) Three times a year our church has a sacrament called the Anointing of the Sick. It's very powerful! The entire congregation prays over you. And in private our priest prayed over one woman along with myself and several women; we each placed our hands on her as he said a healing prayer in Jesus' name. I felt an electrifying glow afterward.
    I probably went overboard, there. I know how controversial Catholics are to many people.
    PLUS--check out a personality disorder that many men, and some women, but mostly men, have: NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. It's a bonafide psychological disorder. Your spouse may fit the profile. Read the terrific book, "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU? Saving yourself from the narcissists in your life."
    If you think he fits the profile, check out on the web a discussion group that is very active - a support for women who are in relationships with narcissists: go to www.msn.groups and search 'narcissists' and the group name is N-group or something. I'll have to look it up for you so post here if you can't locate it.
    I'm telling you just in case--I'm in no way diagnosing your husband. And I don't hate men. I've been married 30 years. I have faith that men can and will change with your help, the help of compassion for his confusion and stress.
    It's not you! Any chronic illness, complicated by raising children, is tough on a marriage. I've been there -- and still have to re-educate my husband and daughter from time to time. You are probably in need of family therapy. Get counseling for yourself first.
    God Bless You,
    Hugs,
    TooFoggy age 53 female
  19. dan0248

    dan0248 New Member

    I’d say you need a lot more then that, your husband needs help in order to understand your limitations and he need to learn to live with it or move on. Now I’m not big on divorce, even with the fact that I’m living with my third wife. The first two were back in the early 60’s, where we did a lot of song and dance, others have names for partying hot and heavy over the weekend and we had a lot of and rock and roll. What I found out was that neither one of them wanted to stop drinking during the week, this I didn’t see because of several things related to my job. I just thought it was real nice for my wife to meet me at the door with a cold one. I was a regional supervisor for one of the statewide utility company’s and I was drug pool for the United States Air Force to stay in compliance with Air Force Reserves
  20. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    My husband can say mean things too when he is upset with me and we are working on that one, I stay calm and say to him "Why do you say that to me???" and we talk usually an hour or so later and he does realize that every time he says something hurtful to me I NEVER will forget those words and he does always apologize and say that he did not mean it so now we are working on him learning to shut his mouth to begin with and not say it to begin with. I have said to him before when he apologizes to me "Don't you get tired of apologizing for the same thing over & over" and that gets to him too. PLease do talk to him and find out if he feels that way truly, that is a horrible thing to say, the worst.

    I have been drawn to your posts for a while now as I can relate to a lot of what you say, please do not ever feel bad for what you say here, we are there for each other and you are important to us. YOu add a lot more than you realize to this board.

    I hope it gets better for you, do keep coming here and keep us posted on the situation, you have many supporters here.

    Jaci