HELP TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Rozzie, Aug 30, 2006.

  1. Rozzie

    Rozzie New Member

    Stress is our enemy right. Well here goes. My daughter and son-in-law have had their children ages 16, 15 and 4 taken away from them because of stupidity on their part. (drugs) They have been placed with my husband and myself until they get their lives straight.

    The problem is that with all the pain and depression, I am not qualified to care for them. and the parents are showing no interest in doing what they need to do to get them back.

    We was approached about adopting the kids. I don't want to do this and am not medically or physically able to do this, but I can't let them be placed into the system either. What do we do? The parents are not fit parents to keep them even if the courts would let them.

    Any and all advice will be appreciated. Barb
  2. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    Such a tough situation! I can understand you not wanting to send them away. Please remember to consider your well being. I don't really have any advice, but I say go with your instinct! Your gut usually knows right away and is usually right. Best of luck to you in this very tough situation.

    Hugs,
    Deanna
  3. 143alan

    143alan New Member

    Maybe the older children can help with caring for the younger child and help you out as needed. Now I know that this day and time that's a big MAYBE. Also I didn't look at your bio to see where you are but here (TN) we have family placements through the foster care program where even though you're the grandmother you could receive almost $1000.00 p/child every month to take care for them, they're called board payments. The children have the benefits; ie, medicaid, clothing, etc of being in "The system" but still being with family. You may want to contact your local Child Protective Services program, Dept of Human Services/Resources whatever your area has.

    Good luck and I hope all goes well.
  4. Dainty45

    Dainty45 New Member

    I am sorry you are in a tough situation, but you have to think of yourself also. I feel the two older kids could help you around the house and what not. They could also help with the younger child, I know 4 is young. I am not sure what I would do in the situation.

    Good Luck!! SB
  5. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I wanted to offer a little advice here.

    I would talk with Family and Childrens about a joint placement, so that maybe you could have the kids(when they are in school) during the week and that you have a permanent respite set up with a caring foster placement(there are some) for weekends and long holiday periods.

    This may offer a good solution to the dilemma and I feel sure that FCS will work with you on this.

    Dncn is right in advising you you are able to get financial assistance as relative foster providers.

    In fact, I decided after reading your letter and encouraged by dncnfngrs courage, that today I will attend the foster providers session locally and sign up as a respite provider specifically for grandparents needing respite. I have had many foster children, quite a lot in the sort of circumstance you have, and became good friends with the grandparents.

    Please enquire about this, as it could be the answer.

    Love and blessings,

    Anne
  6. Lendy5

    Lendy5 New Member

    Both of the teenagers are old enough to have responsibility and help out with chores around the house.....right?

    They need structure in their lives, helping out around the house and having responsibility will help prepare them for being a responsible adult.

    As far as the 4 year old.....this is such a young age for him/her not to know where home really is.

    Please don't take me the wrong way because my mom left me when I was almost 4 years old and never came back. Me and my 4 other siblings were left with our Grandparents to raise us in a 2 bedroom house my Grandpa built.

    If I could go back and choose I wouldn't have it any other way because we loved them so much and they took care of us the best they knew how. Both of them have sinced passed and I miss them both so very much!

    I'm sure there will be times when you will feel overwhelmed like you do now but seeing the smiles on their faces will make it worth it.

    Until the parents get help with their personal issues I would keep myself and the kids from them because they need a stable enviroment.

    If they were placed in a foster home or up for adoption they could be split apart into separate homes.

    I hope I have not offended you and I wish you the best of luck and hope this gets worked out soon.
    [This Message was Edited on 08/31/2006]
  7. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    Only you and your husband can make this decision. There is not enough info from your post and there is no Bio for us to read to know what your situation is.

    How are the children? Are they "normal" children or do they have problems? How sick are you and how is your husband's health and does he help you now? What is your age? How severe is your depression? How close are you to these children now?

    Without the more info, I would agree with Wamps and the others personally. I can not speak for you or your husband of course. I would have to try if it were possible at all. I am not physically able to take care of myself and I know how hard it would be to think that I or my DH would have more responsibility but...I have not been blessed with GC and I would have to try. The older GC would have to help a lot...maybe you could just give them love and a chance. I feel for all of you. I can't imagine how they feel though but only you know what you can do. There are many parents of children that have CFS/FM that post and sometimes it seems they draw strength from the children.

    If you decide to give them a home, there are a few people on this board that can help you. They are trying to see or get custody of grandchildren and they could help you so much. dncnfngrs and cromwell are well versed in this topic and their advise is more knowledgeable than mine and they have already seen your request for help. There are others also.

    You are in a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. I hope and pray that the right decision, whatever it may be, is made.

  8. Rozzie

    Rozzie New Member

    Thank you all for your advice. I am 61 years old, and am just about worn out. We have an adult son with a physical and mental handicap. He does not understand why things are the way they are.

    He is in a group home because we could not lift him and take care of all his personal care, and now there are 3 others in the house.

    As for financial help, the dad has been told to pay a SMALL amount of child support. This he has never done. They do receive medicaid, but that is all the state of Texas allows as far as benefits to family members.

    Money is not the big problem. I am scared to death about dealing with the day to day teenage problems. They have already tried pot and alcohol themselves, and I have no idea how to parent teenagers in today's society.

    I know this sounds like I am making excuses, but I am just scared to death. They resent their sister because of all the responsibility placed on their shoulders when they was at home. They basically cared for her.

    Do I just hang in there, and muddle through or what. I am truly freaking out over this situation.

    By the way, having ya'll here to bounce this stuff off of is a life saver. Thanks for being here.
    Barb

  9. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    That you are going through this. It is a terrible situation to have to be in. I agree that you have to take them too and make the teenagers accept some responsibility for the day to day stuff. G-d only gives us what we can handle.

    With all that said of course it is your decision. I have a story to tell you that might make it easier to decide what to do.

    My grandmother died when I was very young. My grandfather remarried a woman younger then my Mom and my aunt. They were blessed with daughter who was my aunt. My grandfather got very sick and eventually died from heart and neurological problems while my little aunt was only 6 or 7. The woman he married was young and healthy and we thought would raise the child easily enough.

    It turned out that she was an alcohlic. She moved in with her father who was also a alcohic and physically abused his daughter (not my aunt). Her daughter (my aunt) was taken away from her/them and neither my Mom or my Aunt wanted to raise this poor troubled child. As a result she was put in foster care and cared for adequately but lost touch with her family which was us.

    I was a young teenager at the time and could not understand why or how my mom and aunt could turn her away. It was very easy for the teenage me to view thier refusal as awful and shocking. Listening to you and your predicament brings me back there and while I know my mom and aunt probably never think about her, it haunts me that we as a family abandoned her when she needed us most.

    She was one of the lucky ones to be placed in a foster home who was good to her but she didn't have the true love of a family and that still breaks my heart 25+ years later. It is easy for me to judge the adults but in reality they did what they thought they had to do. I can't help but think about all of the foster families you read about in the paper and the awful things that happen to innocent children. Of course thankfully there are many many wonderful foster families too.

    IMO - I think you will find room in your heart and the strength you need to take over the rearing of these children especially because the two oldest are teenagers. It is sad that your daughter and SIL are mentally unable to raise their own children, but as grandparents you may be their last hope. Take care and I hope you are able to make the right decision for both you and DH but the kids too.

    Nancy
    [This Message was Edited on 08/31/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 08/31/2006]
  10. Rozzie

    Rozzie New Member

    Thank you everyone for your quick responses. They are truly appreciated.

    Thank you getfit. Your post gave me the answer and courage to do what I knew all along. Yes they will stay with us and we will love them through everything we can. They are wonderful kids that life has not been terribly fair too.

    Again thanks everyone, and hope I can be of help to you all in some way in the future.

    Barb
  11. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    I am glad my story helped..keep us posted and how you are all doing. Good luck.
  12. lptopcat

    lptopcat New Member

    This is an awfully hard decision to make. Are there any other relatives that can help out? Do you have other grown children?

    I hope that you have a great support system in your life. I believe if they were my grandkids, I would have no choice but to take them in and make a stable home for them.

    I will pray for your family.

    Theresa
  13. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you have to have some faith....i would rather live my grand parents than foster parents...

    i understand your disabled son....situation...maybe you could explain it to him that he is older and when his nephews or neices get his age they will be in their own home too...

    and now when he does come and visit he will have a bigger family to play with....and also come and visit w/him...

    the kids will keep you busy...but i have a 11th grader...i encourage school sports...if money is not a problem for you all...let them concentrate on school studies and get some family counseling...alanon meetings may be good for the teens...

    but you say the teens are smoking pot? i hope not worse...thank goodness mine doesn't now or drink...i understand it is a bigger problem than when i was in high school...the parents out here in cali are doing drugs w/their kids and their friedns...i was astounded by that fact...but a true one...

    counseling will help...this teens need it desperately...they need to look at what their parents have done to them...it is hurtful to these teens and the little one...but they can choose to stop the drugs...and you need to set limitations...

    i have often said that if that is what he ever wanted to do at a young age then he could be emancipated...or go live somewhere else it is not allowed in my house...and i am not willing to go tojail for something i have not done..

    but the teens are not stupid and they may not know anything different...mom and dad probably did it in front of them...or they found the drugs and/or paraphanalia in the home...

    so if they are doing it, then it must be ok in their heads what is mom or dad gonna say...

    so lot's of counseling...

    and chores for them all...

    lot's of luck

    jodie
  14. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    I just wanted you to know I am think of you and wishing you the best.

    Remember to take care of you,

    Karen :)
  15. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    I, too, am glad that you are giving them a chance to have a stable home.

    Remember to take care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing.