Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jordane, Feb 22, 2007.

  1. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Hi All,

    How are you all doing with regards to housework? Are you getting any help??

    Do they see you need it and step right in and help,or
    do you have to ask???

    It is non existant in my house.
    The most he does is *sometimes* takes the garbage out.
    Once in a blu moon he will vacumn.
    Does dishes(helps) maybe 2 times a wk.

    The rest is up to me.Am I the only one not getting any help here??

    He knows how bad I feel,he sees it,( or maybe he doesnt,thats easier).
    I have told him he needs to help me out some.But.....
    What should I do???
    Scream & say the H** with it??
    Shut up and do it anyway,I am just winny?

    I dont know, really, it has me stumped.Maybe I just want to feel sorry for myself.

    Sorry about all this whining(sp?).
    Just wanted to know if anyone else has trouble with getting help.

    Take Care ALL!!
    Be kind to yourself.You deserve it!!!
  2. Mini4Me

    Mini4Me New Member

    Hubby and I sat down and made a schedule or list of chores, how often they need to be done, and who will do them.

    This has helped a bit.
    Unfortunately, we've both been guilty of letting our chores go undone. Sometimes the messy house overwhelmes me and I have to go get in bed to get away from it all!
    Best of luck...
  3. myjoy

    myjoy New Member

    Yes, my husband is very helpful around the house. Especially since he came with me to my last rhuemy appointment. He was great when I had my hyst also.

    Before I had my hyst, I ran some copies of things husbands should know. It seemed like once he could hold something in his hand, it clicked that I would need help.

    My man is just starting to understand what all this fibro stuff is all about. I'm going to start making copies about FM soon as we get a new printer, mine quit.

    Right now he does almost all the laundry, all the vaccuming. He even found out he wouldn't die if he cleaned the bathroom. I try to do crockpot cooking a lot (throw everything in, turn it on). I can't stir right now with my bum shoulder.

    Explain everything to your husband when you aren't annoyed with him. Get him stuff to read. Tell him you need help. Most often, hubbys don't ask if they can help, but might be willing to if we let them know how it is for us.

    My man and I have been having discussions about when/if I'll go back to work for his business. When I do go back, he has now agreed on 3 days one week, 2 days the next. I think I can handle that. He was being a little pushy for a while on that one.

    Take care, friend.
    Hope this helps.

  4. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    No, you are definitely not the only one here with that problem. I stopped doing my husband's laundry several months ago. I figured when he ran out of clothes, he would have no choice but to wash them himself! Now he says he prefers to wash them and sometimes he washes my clothes, too! In his defense, he does work long hours during his busy time at work, and I don't expect him to do much during that time. And he does help out more during his lay-off time.

    I grew up with a dad who was very domestic (along with the "men" things). He liked to decorate and help around the house. He was an architect, so maybe that had something to do with it. So I grew up thinking all men were that way-boy did I get a rude awakening!

    But my husband is a good guy. He just isn't ever going to think that housework is that important!

  5. maryann1958

    maryann1958 New Member

    I would come out and tell your husband you need help. if he still does not help you I would do as little as possible to get the point across to him. If you cook meals stop cooking, leave the dishes in the sink so when he needs a dish there won`t be any. If he does not put out the garbage sit the can in front of the door where he will have to move the can just to get out the door. As long as you keep doing all the chores he will figure he's off the hook and you will never get help. This is what my girlfriend did to her husband and she has fibro and CFS. He finally got the message. I know how bad you feel and you really do need help. This disease is no picnic.
  6. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    There is a housework tips thread over on the chit chat board. Lots of good tips there.

  7. tngirl

    tngirl New Member

    My son and husband aren't good about helping. I can get son to help if I give him a specific chore or a list to work from. He'll empty diswasher and clean the counters or run the swifer or fold clothes.

    But by the time I get home from work, often he's not home and I'm too tired to give direction.

    I do have a housekeeper come clean once a week. She sweeps and mops floors (we have hardwood and tile everywhere) cleans the bathrooms, dusts and cleans kitchen sink, counters, etc.

    I've been doing that for about a year now. I figure if I'm struggling to work, I might as well use part of it to pay for cleaning.

  8. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Looks like I am either going to set down with him & go over what has to be done here,or stop complaing.

    Because then its my fault,if he doesnt help.:>)

    Thankyou for all the responses.Each one gave me something to think over.

    Be kind to yourself!
  9. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    One thing about they AREN'T mindreaders..he may think that you are doing just fine doing the chores yourself...or he may not even notice that something needs doing! It is very typical for men to behave that way!
    I think that first you have a conversation..telling him, as short and sweet as you can...that you need some help..and exactly what it is he can do to help you! Then, be prepared to NICELY remind him..because he is likely not to remember!

    I made this deal with my husband...In order for me to not feel like an invalid...When I needed his help..I WOULD ASK...he didn't need to take care of me like I was sick..unless I told him that is what I needed. The deal works pretty well for us...EXCEPT..that nowadays..(4 years after my first dx.) IF he doesn't do the task I ask immediately..he often "forgets" to do it at all! and often..I have ended up doing it anyway...NOT GOOD. I am not sure what I will do about that...except that I probably have to talk with him..AGAIN...and let him know that he is not keeping up his end of the bargain! NEVER a fun talk...but I think it is just like being have to revisit things from time to time to keep things humming along!
  10. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Thanks Suzan,

    I will tackle this problem the way you suggest.It makes a LOT of sense.Hope it works.

    We have tackled other issues this way & he said he would *do different* and *he could see where I was coming from*.

    Never worked those times.But....I wont know till I try.:>)

    Thanks Renea,
    That is so true I should *do as I say*.But as I have learned thru this long life of mine,we dont very often do as we say.
    But.... I will try.:>)

    As I have said before:>)
    Take care &be kind, to you!
    Hugs, Jordane
  11. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    My son still brings his laundry to me!!! Laundry is the worst for me. I cannot lift anything heavy so I have to make multiple trips up and down the steps (only six but it feels like sixty when you hurt).

    My house is always a mess. I did manage to do a "little" cleaning in the 2 weeks I have been off work. Since I am right handed and my right arm and shoulder are basically useless ... it is hard to do much.

    I get a lot of junk mail and fliers. I need to keep the shredder close by and shreed that junk before it ends up piling up!!!

    I never make the bed. But no one visits me anyway so it doesn't matter.

    I did manage to vacuum one room so far. I use a wet rag and my foot to do some "spot" mopping. I haven't had the strength to pull the trash cans to the curb in 3 weeks (thank goodness it is cold here!!!). The kitchen is basically clean (except I would not eat off the floor ... lol).

    I can manage the bathroom pretty well (except for the tub) and I made myself ssick with the "scrubbing bubbles". So now I make sure that I keep the tub rinsed well and I got a Mr. Clean tub cleaner deal (long handle) and it is ok. I just cannot scrub so I have to make sure I do not "let it go".

    I have MCS so I have to watch what I use (cleaning products).

    Dusting is not bad if I have the energy to do it. I use those really neat swiffer things (there are other brands too). I have to be really careful with breakables since I drop things so easily.

    Luckily it is just me and my kitty now. The worst thing with takiing care of her is the litter box. It is really difficult for me to bend over and to lift. I use the "scoopable" stuff. She is really a good girl and is so patient with me.

    Maybee when my son comes to pick up his laundry he will carry the vacuum upstairs for me? lol One can hope ...

    I use ropes to lower things down the steps. Can't "pull" things back up though :-( You have to be creative sometimes.

    AND ... if anyone complains about the "condition" of the house ... tell THEM to clean it ;-)
  12. lavender14

    lavender14 New Member

    I am fortunate now, my 19 year old does a lot of the chores. She goes to college locally. I've been divorced 11 yrs. now. when I was married I did everything!!!!
    When I got sick I could do about 1/2 the chores. Four years later when I could do barely anything, my then spouse would call himself my maid and my slave. Needless to say when it came time for him to step up to the plate, he couldn't.

    Life has been very peaceful for us for the last 11 yrs.
    Well except for his being a dead beat dad, and a pain in the a^^.



    So that means its all my least thats how it seems around here. I take care of our 2 children ages 3 and 4 and my mother who lives with me who originally moved in to help me with the kids and the bills so I could be a sahm and in the past year she can barely walk has no energy and stays in bed alot....she was originally dgnsd with diabetic neuropathy and now it could be ms...she does zero cleaning, but goog at messing!

    Sorry went on way too long, but I am the only one who cleans...and thats not very often...I try to keep it livable, but it will never be spotless, I gave up on that a long time ago!
  14. whoachief

    whoachief New Member

    I get NO help with housework - he will cook dinner once or twice a week (mainly only because he gets tired of fast food & I physically can't cook most days!). I do EVERYTHING including taking out the trash. My house looks like a cyclone hit most of the time & I hate it but can't do anything about it. We have 7 children - ages 16, 7, 7, 4,3,2,1 (the two 7 year olds, 4 year old & 3 year old are adopted & the 1 & 2 year olds are foster children). My 16 year old helps out with watching the kids for me sometimes but she is very involved in dance and dances 4 days a week. I'm just thankful she can drive herself to dance now!!! I just put a load of dishes in the dishwasher because there were NO dishes clean and no-one had done a load of dishes all weekend!! I'm having a bad couple of days but really can't get any help - gonna have a heart to heart with my hubby tonight. I know he works full time but it is a full-time job to just take care of the kids for me.
  15. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    After all, in many ways that is the point of this lend support to others..and find support when we need it ourselves. I hope that you find a good time to talk ..and that you are heard by your husband...if it doesn't sink in...maybe approach it a different manner ..on another day..
    I guess I figure if they really do love you..they will try to hear what you are saying...we just don't always speak the same language! Good luck!
  16. ellie5320

    ellie5320 New Member

    If you are having trouble with the housework and it does get overwhelming have alook at she is great for prioritising has helped me heaps my hubby is great but does not see a lot of things I always got distracted and started one job went to another but not now
  17. MoibonFL

    MoibonFL New Member

    I have a wonderful husband that will just pick up the vacuum and go! I feel very blessed to have him. He does dishes, trash and folds the laundry too. He's a special man. Despite our problems, I am so appreciative of all the help he gives me. He has done research, posted on these boards for more information so that he has a better understanding of what I'm going thru..what else could I ask for? There are many times when I am outdoors puttering around alone with my thoughts and he will be inside cleaning and I'm thinking he's on the computer doing research or playing a game. He has no idea how appreciated he is. I feel badly that I am hurting and not always the most patient partner. In case you haven't guessed, I am the recipient of "Husband of wife with Fibro feels helpless" foot massages and back rubs. I Love you Ernie
    [This Message was Edited on 02/27/2007]
  18. MoibonFL

    MoibonFL New Member

  19. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    It is amazing to see that there are a lot of woman in the same condition I am in.Getting help with housework.

    I believe that we being woman believe that the housework is our territory.Lets face it, thats what our moms did and their moms before them.

    And if we dont or cant, we feel guilty because we didnt do *it*. So even as sick as ALL of us are.We still will try to do as much as we can.

    Even if it puts us in bed for a day or so.

    Asking for help is hard too.For me its if *he cannot see that I need him to help me with the housework* then whats the good of asking him.

    And its true they cannot read our minds, or they dont know how sick we really are if we keep on doing all the work. I get that.

    But is it only women, who, when we see someone in distress,needing help,that we offer our services,and help as much as we can??

    I mean the hubby or kids can SEE us trying to carry a large basket of clothes.They can SEE us trying to keep up with our chores and KNOW that we are sick.

    It is as if they turn off that feeling part,the caring if you feel bad or not.In their own world.

    Anyway, these are just how I see it.

  20. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    went to very help ful sight thank you for sharing.

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