here's another thought provoking question

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by sunflowergirl, Aug 27, 2013.

  1. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    If you could go back in time and change/redo ONE thing in your life what would it be?

    For me, I would have waited to get married. I was almost 23 and felt really OLD at the time! Times have changed and many young people are waiting until their 30s or even later to tie the knot.
  2. Soul*

    Soul* Well-Known Member

    I would take plenty of rest when I got diagnosed with ME instead of pushing on to try and get back to work and rehabilitate. It would have upped my chances of getting better instead of getting worse.
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Well, I might make one or two changes if I could. To wit: I would not be born gay or into a dysfunctional,
    alcoholic home. I wouldn't get married or have a child. I wouldn't practice law. I wouldn't become
    disabled. (Not quite sure how I'd manage that.) I wouldn't be a perfectionist.

    Ha Ha. Dreams to fall asleep to. Maybe there was someway to avoid a lifetime of bad luck and
    bad health, but I never found it. Thank Goodness I still have my stunning, good looks and sense
    of humor.

  4. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Hey Rock, it is a good thing you have a great sense of humor !! One always does what they think is best at the time for them. No one ever knows what is going to happen and when to them and family.

    Right now I cannot think of anything I would have changed, maybe my choice to go into nursing. That was OK but didn't work at it to long after graduating and then marrying and starting to have kids almost right away. Maybe a teacher, of young children would have been my choice. However, I had my own bunch of kiddos to "teach ":)!!! When my last child was ready for school I started in home day care which worked out great at the time. I watched mostly babies and pre school children.

    One never knows what is right to do until later on in life, when one can look back and know what might have been better to do or not .

    Hugz to awl,
    Granni :)
  5. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    And we're so much better off with your stunning good looks and sense of humor! Actually a good sense of humor just makes a person so much more handsome and more fun to look at than a scowl.
  6. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I wouldn't change anything except that I would have cherished my Mom more while she was here. I loved her so much and she knew it. I gave her nice gifts from the time I was a kid. It's only now that she's gone that I wish I had cherished her more instead of taking her for granted. But then, isn't that how we always feel after we lose a loved one?

    I got married at 19 and had my first child at 21, following a miscarriage. Being a young Mom meant I could really play with my kids and be very active in their lives; however, I didn't have the patience a more mature Mom might have had. My ex was a womanizer and broke my heart. I stayed until the youngest was out of college. The last three years, he moved out and I stayed in the big family home so my daughter had a home to come home to between college terms. To his credit, he paid all the bills, including sending me back to college to finish my degree. He kept me and the youngest daughter on his insurance and he bought me a new car. He loved me and didn't want a divorce but didn't want to give up the cheating. I had to get out on my own for my own sanity. Still, I wouldn't change anything because he gave me two beautiful daughters and now, a DGS. If I could, I would change his addiction to womanizing and we'd likely be enjoying our "golden years" together. I love the words, "Come grow old with me. The best is yet to be."

    No use living in the past, though. I've learned to live for now and enjoy, and be grateful for, what I have, which is a lot. My ex is remarried and miserable, living a life of guilt and regrets.

    I can't begin to know what it's like to suffer the pressures of being born gay. The ignorance and intolerance which kept so many from being able to live their lives fully in the open is unconscionable. I see things changing and becoming more open. I think it is usually the young kids who suffer the most while still in school, feeling different from everyone else. When my kids were old enough to ask about it, I told them there are men who only desire women and women who only desire men. Then, there are men who only desire other men and women who only desire other women. I drew a line and told them there were people who fit in between the two ends too and no matter where one fit on the continuum, it is normal and God makes us all just the way we are.

    Those are only my personal thoughts. I wish as a country, we would not have entered into the last three unnecessary wars. I regret that as a society, we have become so polarized and that politics has become so mean spirited. God put us here to love and help one another. Think of the problems we could solve if we put that much energy into solutions. I regret we are not kinder as a people.

    Love, Mikie
  7. Windytalker

    Windytalker Member

    My life is full of regrets. But, if I could go back and change things, I would have made better attempts at cutting the umbilical chord to my parents and followed my dreams. I mainly wanted to travel to see the world.

    Both parents were alcoholics and my Mother was openly partial to my older sister. A very dysfunctional household. There was a lot of physical and verbal abuse. I feared my parents and seldom stuck up for myself. I wasn't "allowed" to do anything my sister didn't other words, if she didn't didn't do something, neither could I. I've mentioned in a previous post, as an example, when my sister wouldn't practice dancing, the lessons were stopped even though I was progressing. After graduating HS, I "had to" go to the same business school my sister went to (I was still "under age" at the time). I had applied for nursing school, but my Mom squelched that during the interview.

    I married to "escape" and the guy I married basically did the same. His home life wasn't that terrific either but he did come from a basically fun family (he was 19 and I was 18). We literally grew apart. I supported him through college with the promise I'd never have to work again...well, that plan didn't work...LOL. We did have one son. It was a forced pregnancy...went to a fertility clinic...and believe the hormones, etc., I was given was the beginning of the downfall of my body. My body started falling apart and had to have several surgeries as a result.

    My current DH is my 3rd...and I'm his 3rd. My 2nd marriage was a total disaster. I've made some very bad choices ending in infidelities on the part of my DHs (and BFs), divorces/breakups, etc. My current DH and I have been together over 30 years...I keep telling him I've been with the same man too long.;) In this marriage, although very rocky at times, I was able to do some traveling and loved every minute of it.

    But, I can't change a thing. I do feel blessed in many ways and thank God nightly for these blessings. No marriage is ever "perfect" but try to make the best of what I've been given. My son is in CA and I tend to be forgotten at times.:( I have a lovely home and $$ in the bank. If a person has to be handicapped (which I am), it's helpful I can afford to hire help. It's finding help that's the hard part.

    But, my most grievous regret is this...I'm not proficient at anything. "I know a little bit about a lot of things, but I don't know a lot about..." one particular thing.
  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Kids, thank you for your kind words. Sometimes when people are discussing this topic, they
    say they would like to go back and change everything. But I kinda doubt they really mean that.
    It would mean being born in a different country in a different century and speaking a different
    language and etc. Too many changes to even contemplate.

    I went to 12 step meetings for over 20 years. They were extremely helpful to me and also provided
    some social life, e.g. going to lunch after the meeting. I heard a lot of people saying they regretted
    their poor decisions.

    But decision is an ambiguous term. Sometimes they weren't talking about a decision but about a
    long term course of action; heavy drinking for example. And sometimes a decision is all in the
    present. Do I want pecan or cherry pie? And sometimes what people call a decision is really an
    attempt to predict the future. Which mate, college, job, city, etc. And since no one can predict the
    future, we shouldn't beat ourselves up over these kind of decisions.

    You're right, Granni. All we can know for sure when we look back is what did happen. We can
    speculate about other possibilities.

    SG, thank you for your kind words. Speaking of my stunning good looks, the reality is I looked in the
    mirror a couple months ago and got the impression I had aged in 10 years in the past year. I've heard
    several people around my age say something like, "Ya know, I never thought I was good lookin'. But
    I saw some pics my daughter had, and now I see I wasn't bad looking at all."

    Jam, speaking of gay friends, did you see the new Betty White show "Hot in Cleveland (or Cincinnati")
    whatever it is. I was in one of them in 1960. Can't remember which one. I know we went to the
    zoo and to a concert held in a museum. We listened to Baroque music in a room full of banners
    and suits of armor.

    Anyhoo the 4 gals went to a gay bar. They wanted to meet some gay guys they could go shopping with,
    or to the theatre. (I would not have fit. I love the theatre. Don't care for shopping or fashion.)

    Mikie, sounds like your ex was a responsible guy for a cad. Ha Ha! You're right. The
    best course is to live in the present and be grateful for what we have. Sometimes, especially in the
    winter, when I climb into bed I think of all the homeless who would be grateful for bed half as
    comfortable as mine.

    Windy, sorry to hear you also came from a rotten home. Did you ever try the 12 step group Adult
    Children of Alcoholics? I went a few times, but that group wasn't for me. Emotions Anonymous
    fit me perfectly, however. I admire your ability to focus on the good things you have.

    Diane, it's too bad you didn't get the college experience, but you are likely in a better place than
    many who did. I think you feel the same when you say you don't know if you would change the

    Big hugs to everydobby
  9. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    What was the name of that movie where the star was soooo angry at her husband she wished she had never met him, and I believe she went back to when she was a teenager and I think she was attracted again to him. Kinda like "Back to the Future" where he changes everything for the good for his parents when they were kids and then his life with them now is really good.

    Rock: You say you've got a terrible memory.....see what I deal with! If I go back and reread books everything is all fresh to me. Same thing with movies. I've been this way for years and years. My son in law remembers characters names, some of the things they say, etc. I'm lucky if I can even RECALL the name of the book.

    I think a lot of how we perceive our looks, stems from our early childhood. If we are made to feel special and loved we will grow up with a lot of high self esteem which will take us far in this life. It's very important for a little girl to feel that love from her father otherwise she will pick the first man who comes around, looking for love she's lacking.

    I basically grew up without attention from either parent. I can't fault either parent for that now. I realize my mother was only the oldest girl who was in charge of taking care of the house and the children......almost like hired help. She was born in 1908. My dad's parents split up the house and went to live elsewhere when he was only 10. His father was very old, being born during the civil war. Mothers are very important in our growing years but men think they're only on the sidelines, bringing "home the bacon".
  10. Windytalker

    Windytalker Member

    Just reading and catching up...

    Rock...Yes, I tried going to Adult Children of Alcoholics. Like your experience, mine was the same. I only went maybe 3 times. I tried being a regular alcoholic so I could go to AA meetings, but that didn't work out either.:)

    It's good to read you got the support you needed from AA for all those years. I'm sure you did develop many good friendships. How could you not? With as knowledgeable as you are about so many topics, I envision many fun/lively conversations that didn't necessarily focus on demon booze...and that was the point.

    You couldn't have had an easy life since we grew up in an era where being gay was unacceptable. Even in the movie "The Help", the topic of so-called cures came up. Isn't that ridiculous?!! I had lung cancer (advanced) and the attitude of most doctors was I deserved it because I smoked. That's like saying when a gay gets AIDS, that person deserves it, too. NOT! No one "deserves" to be ill due to their lifestyle or deserves that stigma.

    I admire your openness.

    None of us can change a thing...all we can do is try to make today a better day.

  11. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    The movie about the girl who got pregnant and got married was "Peggy Sue Got Married," one of my favorite movies. I'm Herxing today and can't remember the star's name but she was once one of Hollywood's hot babes. Now, she has, I believe, rheumatoid arthritis. She is on meds which cause bloating. She has one of the sexiest voices and her voice was used in "Roger Rabbit." Ooh, ooh, it's on the tip of my tongue--Katherine or Kathleen something or other (I just hate when this happens).

    I think we sometimes think others have more ideal lives or that "if only" we had made different choices, we would have better lives now. I certainly don't know anything for sure but I do know that what we consider failures or catastrophes are what have shaped us into the people we are. The people I have known here are some of the finest I've had the privilege to know. So, whatever adversity we've experienced has only honed our hearts and spirits.

    It makes me sad when I think people beat up on themselves over their pasts. We can do nothing about our pasts except make atonement to those we've harmed. Then, we need to let it go. We are now wiser and can do better in the present. One of my favorite things to say before meditating is, "Everything is exactly as it should be." Even when things seem rough, on a higher level, they are exactly as they should be. We just have to trust in God's bigger plan. Another favorite is from the Bible, "Be still and know that I am God." We can only do so much. Then, it's time to give it to God and have faith.

    "Woulda, shoulda, coulda (or, as my style conscious DD says, "Woulda, shoulda, Prada") are really useless wastes of our time. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy trains one to identify when slipping into these harmful states and how to break free from them.

    CBT helped me to stop catastrophizing. I would get a small worry in my head and in no time, I would have built it into really scary, paralyzing fear. I can now almost instantly realize when it starts and put a stop to it. It takes a little practice but it's well worth the time and effort.

    Pat yourselves on the back and give yourselves credit for all you have survived. We are all survivors here and that, in itself, is something good.

    Love, Mikie
  12. Windytalker

    Windytalker Member

    Kathleen Turner...LOL
  13. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Thanks, Windy. Of course, I remembered it later. Remembering names of stars is one of my worst memory faults. I'll see someone in a movie or TV show and know I know them but can't remember his or her name nor what movie or show he or she was in. I don't need games like "What In The World Is This;" every time I watch TV, I'm playing "Who In The World Is This?" :)

    Love, Mikie