He's afraid i wouldn't need him anymore...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Shelbyeatenton, Apr 24, 2006.

  1. Shelbyeatenton

    Shelbyeatenton New Member

    Me and my boyfriend split up a little while ago and i became convinced it was about my FMS. How could it not be? (you know how sometimes you get that mind state)

    We have remained really close since and I said to him (a couple of days ago) my fear was that if/when i'm out of this wheelchair and up and walking about again he will suddenly have sorted out his problems and want us to get back together romantically.

    He told me "he was scared that when i am out of the chair i won't need him anymore"

    I don't really know how to feel about it and wanted peoples thoughts a little on advice as to how i can, well i want to say reassure him, but i don't know if thats the right words?

    Thoughts welcome,

    Thank you,
    Shelby
    xxx
  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Type in the above and it will explain why he said that. Often relationships are built upon a need that is different from a normal dating need.

    I hope checking on that codependency helps you.

    Love Anne C
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) circles that when one member of a couple sobers up, the relationship often falls apart. The whole dynamic has changed.
  4. Shelbyeatenton

    Shelbyeatenton New Member

    i found one post and read through it but it didn't really trigger any thoughts that sounded familiar? to be honest i didn't really understand it?

    I'm sorry, maybe i'm showing my age a little, i don't know? i just got a little confused? He didn't sacrifice himself totally to be with me, or go against what he believes.

    He says he would do anything for me, but i say the same? Please would you explain more? also does anyone else have anything else they could offer me? i'm really confused and feel like i'm a total burden now!

    Many thanks and hugs
    Shelby
    xxx
  5. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    What happens is that when one person in a relationship is ill, even a child, then our focus goes to that person or child as it takes priority. When your boyfriend says he is scared that when yopu are out of the chair you won't need him any more, it is because he is scared that the relationship is focussed on you being in the chair.

    Therefore, once you are out of the chair(in his mind) then you won't need him. It is incorrect of him to think this way, but not unusual. In no way is he seeing you as a burden, but rather the opposite, that he loves you the way you are and is worried that when you are different you may not love him. The same is true for your own fears, you worry that he will only want you when you are well, even though he is saying just the opposite.

    Of course, from what you say, none of this makes sense and I think the best way to handle it is to have you both write down what you love about one another and what your fears are. This will help you separate out the fact that you both appear to have been enjoying a pretty nice relationship until you botyh started leting fear rule it.

    It sounds to me as if you do have a strong base to build on this relationship and it is worthwhile reaching out and healing one another's fears and doubts.

    Co dependency has many faces. A good example is a mother who cannot let go of her child when he becomes a teen.

    I also feel that the DD is making you feel so down. List what fun things you are able to do together and list what your boyfriend may need space to do separately from you. Understand that this may be stuff you cannot do because you are chair bound, BUT it does not mean that he thinks less of you for wanting to do things you cannot join in. Just enjoy the things you ARE able to do together. Kiekegard, a great philosopher wrote "If you love something, set it free".

    This does not mean give it away, it means allow some freedom to be alone, as in doing this you will love one another more and be together more. We cannot hold on too tightly in other words. I cannot play golf with my DH but I give him the freedom to play and then come home and tell me what a great time he had without feeling bitter that I could not be there.

    Maybe you could start off by inviting your boyfriend for a meal and discussing your love for one another and your fears. If we can express our fears in a loving way without any accusations or suppositions then we can find answers.

    For instance, maybe you do love him because he takes care of you(or did) and why not, that is a good reason to love someone. He fears that you may not love him if the time comes when you do not need him to take care of you, so he needs to hear what else you love him for. You need to hear that you are not the cause of any problems he has, and also be able to accept that he may be frustrated(as we all are) with this DD. This is when you break the codependency circle and start loving one another for who and not what they are.

    Will you try and reach out as I do think you seem to love one another and love should always be worth striving for.

    Blessings and big hugs,

    Love Anne C
  6. Shelbyeatenton

    Shelbyeatenton New Member

    Thankyou so much....

    what you said makes perfect sense. i will read through it again a few times and then start trying to act upon it!

    Thank you. Your answer gave me a great insight into my mind and perhaps his too and also what to do next.

    Thank you.
    Shelby
    xxx
  7. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Shelby:
    I would just be honest with him and tell him your true feelings about yourself. Then, why not let him make his own opinion and let the chips fall where they may.

    nyrofan