hey guys need some advice for a embarrasing problem

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by wangotango, Oct 17, 2005.

  1. wangotango

    wangotango New Member

    here goes all, when i was 14 yrs old i had a step mother who was very abusive. not to go into it to far here is the deal, she used to give me hot water enema's with dish soap and i had to hold it in for at least 1 min. during this time i would have a funny taste in my mouth and a weird headache. this went on for about 3 months every morning until the neighbor heard me screaming and she told her what she was doing (bragging). i have over the years dealt with this stuff and forgave her. no problems with her until 5 months ago when i moved back to my home town.
    she would come over to "check on me" and after that 2 min deal, the guilt trip and put downs started again for hours until i asked to to leave. i quite answering the door and phone.
    then 2 weeks ago her and her boyfriend came by and beat on my door the windows the house for 30 minutes and i got pissed and let her have it. they left and i had the worst cfs relapse in the past 5 yrs. but i noticed the funny taste in my mouth and the weird headache which lasted for 2 weeks and i was bed ridden for the same time. it was like i was back in the enema days with a twist of bad fatigue.
    does this sound strange or real to anyone ? and shoud i just not see or talk to her for a good while ?
    a weird deal and a first for me. thanks for any help all
    bill
  2. DLsGroovyMoM

    DLsGroovyMoM New Member

    People and relationships canbe/are as toxic to us as medicines and chemicals are. You sound like you have a post tramatic thing going on...understandablely so! Getting past it and forgiving is one thing but you are under no obligation to keep this woman in your life. She is not even your real mom right...no tell her to take a hike!! Will be better for you!

    I saw your bio and wanted to share something with you...if you dont mind. I too grew up in abuse...more mental/sexual...but tramtic the same. One of my many therapitst onetime told me that nursing was the worst profession for me to get into. I was horrified...how could he say that...I wanted to be a nurse and help people. He said it was for all the wrong reasons. I never saw him again...now fast forward 15 years...he was right in a way...and I hate him for it. I care too much...because of my past I tend to take things straight on my shoulders...I have to take everyones pain and miseries on myself...I feel so guilty when I am out of work...who will take care of "MY" patients. Which leaves very little for me and my family. I am so emotionally drained and phycially tired and in pain from the dd that I just don't have enough left. Now I feel like I have nothing...I don't enjoy being a nurse anymore...not like I use to...but I don't know how to do anything eles. I spent all my life so far trying to get where I am...and I am not near where I wanted to be...just a lowly LPN (wanted to get atleast my rn or nurse pract...well truthfully origianlly wanted to be a peds doc but didn't want to spend that much time in school) I don't know why I wanted to share that...I guess that now I wish I could have found another career...maybe?

    Stay away from toxins!!!
    Love and hugs
    Amy
  3. Dolphin_lover

    Dolphin_lover New Member

    Dear Wango,

    no need to be embarrased! You are a victim! I am outraged by your stepmother's abusive behavior, attitude, and self-centeredness! Your stepmother abused you when you were 14 and she has not changed! That funny taste in your mouth & the headache you got, was triggered by your stepmother's abusive behavior and words. Its like post tramatic stress syndrome. I repeat....YOUR STEPMOTHER HAS NOT CHANGED!!! Its been about what.....30 years! If I were you (and I'm not) I would cut her entirely out of your life. You relapsed due to the amount of stress put on you and it also caused you to (at least subconciously) recall a very specific and tramatic time in your life. You need as much love and peace and calm in your life as you can get with this dd. Even the air that surrounds your stepmother seems to just "bristle" with stress and anger. Bad vibes. She radiates that to you and you will continue to relapse around her because she is toxic to you. And since you cannot change her, you need to make a choice. And if I were you, I'd cut her out-for your own precious health and peace of mind. If you have some sympathy/affection for her (again, I don't know the details), you could loving and kindly make a time when you can get-to-gether at your place or some where and explain to her as best you can, why you cannot see or talk to her on a regular basis because of your health. Once or twice and year only. Give her some websites or articles to read that will help her understand. It probably won't work, she won't understand, will get angry and she will end up putting another guilt trip on you and trigger the taste & headache and you will again relapse. You will be at the proverbial fork in the road. Its your health and your life. Who are you living it for? I'm sorry if this sounds so cut and dried, but I like to "skip to the chase". Your post really touched my heart and at the same time angered me. I have a similiar story & cut the other person out of my life. One of the best decisions I ever made.

    God bless you
    You are in my prayers tonight.
    ((((((hugs)))))
    Dolphin_lover




  4. jfrustrated

    jfrustrated New Member

    Dear Wang....

    I agree with one of the posts that raises the idea that you are carrying guilt over these past incidents. And people can tell you that you shouldn't but you still do. I know I carry guilt for stuff that was not my fault. I would definitely find someone to help you ease the guilt by talking it through and through and through, keep a record of any thing she does, and have nothing to do with her. I believe that the reliving of past events could easily trigger taste and headache reactions from the past. It may be too difficult, but do the good parts of living in your home town outweigh the bad? I would also definitely put as much of your "story" as you are comfortable with 'out there' so that more people know what happened in the past. It could make them more supportive in the present. But try, (easier said than done) to keep your cool in public and then go inside and bash up an old pillow - or cry into it: whatever helps you the most. Perhaps you could do both?
  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Don't ever let this psycho, toxic, evil woman back in your home again. You should never have to listen to her guilt trips and put-downs again.

    The stress that she brings upon you is not worth it.

    The sight of her could very well bring about flashbacks of the torture you had to endure.

    If you know her address, I would send her a letter and tell her that you want to cease all contact with her immediately--no phone calls and no personal visits. (I think this would be better than calling her or telling her in person--then having to listen to her yell back at you.) And ... make a copy of the letter to keep in case you need to show it to the police at a later date.

    Then, like others have said, if she continues to come around and harrass you, get a restraining order from the police.

    You are a better person than I for forgiving her to begin with. I could never forgive a person who abused me. I know she is mentally ill, as all abusers are, but I still could not have forgiven her. Bless you for being the better person.

    Now it's time for you to be the person to do the right thing--what's right for you--to eliminate a source of poison from your life--her. You are totally justified to erase her from your memory and your life.

    Peace be with you,
    Janet
  6. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    She sounds like a sick cruel person you should stay away from.

    Sorry, but I think she should be in jail for what she did. Why continue to let her abuse you emotionally?
  7. nanday

    nanday New Member

    Hi Bill,
    I too come from a very abusive childhood, my dad was mentally ill and he came from sexual abuse and as the saying goes if you don't break the chain (like I did with about 3 years of therepy).....I too forgave my dad.
    It is admiral of you to forgive your stepmom. But she is not acting very repentant if you ask me. I agree with others on the board, she is a toxic person in your life.

    The way we can tell this is by the way you say you taste that "wierd taste" in your mouth again just by seeing the woman. That is a trigger. Trigger's can also be a smell you remember from that age, or a color, or a song.....and yes it can manifest itself by throwing you into a cfs crisis. It's stress on your mind, soul, and body.

    For the sake of your health and happiness,stay away from her.

    nanday
  8. silky17

    silky17 New Member

    I continue to be amazed at the strength of some of you guys on here. You are to be commended on the forgiveness you have given your stepmom.

    I myself can't give you an answer as to why you have the weird taste in your mouth. Maybe its Gods way of reminding you of the past so you don't get involved with the pain again, mentally that is.

    If I were you I would not ever give her the time of day. You have done your part, to forgive. But if you do believe in God then just ask him for the strength to let you move on and ask that she will leave you alone. He will make it happen.

    Remember that she was the adult and no matter what , you are not to blame.

    Good luck to you and I am sorry you were dealt that hand in life.

    God bless you,
    Debbie
  9. LollieBoo

    LollieBoo New Member

    And you had to suffer its effects. I just want to add my name to the list of supporters here- you are not alone. I have spent too many years being abused and then taking on toxic relationships- just too darn sure that everyone comes from the same source and so we all have to be good- right?

    Well, we are- but some don't recognize their source and cloud themselves over with all sorts of ill or evil or whatever they so choose. But there is that point... that point you reach where the healer in you, the forgiver, says "Just a little bit longer and I can break through to touch the REAL person behind the 'mask'..." and the CFS sufferer in you says, "plop". Somewhere in the middle of those two very distinct points is a grey area wherein lies the ability to recognize a person's unwillingness or inability to see truth anymore. IMO, many abusers have passed the point where they can forgive themselves and if they were to open themselves up to truth, they would have to acknowledge the awful, hideous things they have inflicted on others. For some it just is too much. I can certainly see that possibility with THAT ex-step (she doesn't deserve to belong to 'you' or to be associated with the word 'mother' in my mind).

    As for the whole healing profession- I too have been drawn in, but surrendered early on, while trying to tackle nursing school, working as a CNA in acute care of a rather rural hospital (which meant no telling where I'd be- ER, OB, Pre-op, Recovery, Acute Hospital Care, ICU...?), mothering two children with one more on the way, responding as an EMT on a volunteer squad- again, rather rural- some calls are a full 25-30 minutes out- and we are the nearest ambulance (some areas do have 'first responders', but unfortunately, not all... but alas- not the point!), AND teaching CPR/ First Aid (I did recerts for the hospital, and classes for the tech school and local classes for organizations and companies- usually only like one Sat/Sun Emergency Care Course during the 9 mos. of the school year, With one or two full-day Heartsaver Classes per month- not a HUGE committment)... there was just so much I wanted to do and so many ways to help. And here I sit, broken, not knowing how to fix myself entirely!

    I had to give up the hospital; thought a 'desk job' as part of the administrative team at a local nursing home campus would be less taxing. It wasn't. I realized one day, that I was having difficulty spitting out all of the rates and ratios and general first aid pneumonic devices to the Nursing Students. I told the EMS coordinator that I would have to 'relax my schedule' due to pregnancy and would let her know when I am available again. I have yet to call back. But on the verge of claiming disability on the advice of my dr, I am recertifying so I don't lose my license as an EMT! I don't know when/ if I'll be able to take calls again... but it is one thing I don't want to let go of.

    I understand (and there is no offense intended!) that you have more years under your belt and working in the ER all the time is certainly a draining way to exercise that call to help... but. I think you have so much to offer and there are ways to keep yourself from letting in other people's illnesses and traumas and even from over-empathising (a phenomenon most of us would NOT associate with the staff members of ERs we may have visited!)...

    SO- when it comes down to it, I guess my overall point is, that when you feel like you have been led in one direction- don't give up. You have a lot of knowledge and you can learn to put up a 'wall' of sorts... but I really think you have a gift of understanding and acceptance that is one ill-gotten but well-deserved product of an abusive past.

    Finally- in answer to your question, (Ha! like 18 paragraphs later... Hey! Are you still awake?!) It does not sound weird to me at all. I have certain situations/ places/ people/ music... whatever, that bring up these associations with past abuse. It may trigger a smell that I associate for some reason with those times, or a taste... though mine are not near as haunting as I would imagine yours to be. It seems to me somehow that your 14-year old is responding to her outrageous behavior and your 45-year-old is suffering the consequences.

    You are back in your home town... is it small? If so, can she reasonably be avoided permanently? Also, if you aim to remain in the same town, I would really insist that you always have a therapist available to you for any future assaults... even if you don't stay in your home town, a therapist is a great asset.

    Is there any reason TO talk to her at all? Any reason you HAVE to see her? She is SO toxic to you, especially in that your inner-14-year-old is so reactive to her- you can't continue to suffer for her nonsense and unabashed abusive tirades.

    You are so strong to have overcome the initial abuse and to have suffered the most extreme of emotional trials... and to still be looking for answers and searching even the most personal traumas for clues. I know you may not see it this way- but this came off to me as an extremely brave gesture.

    I'll be watching for your reply to these posts- I really hope there is a way you can get her out of your life for good, Bill... I'll be praying!

    Take care,
    Lollie
  10. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    abusive people in your life. Parents, relatives, friends, employers, etc. I did when I started therapy 25 years ago, and it has been tremendously helpful.

    I also found it helpful to ventilate, but only to professionals or at l2 step meetings.

    Good luck.
  11. XKathiX

    XKathiX New Member

    Hi Bill,

    Boy people can really do a number on us huh? It's amazing even if family treats us badly, we feel responsible to go back for more. You do deserve better than that, but until you believe that it will keep torturing you.

    Staying away from her would be a good idea. As far as reliving the taste in your mouth - that's definitely part of post traumatic stress disorder. I still can't stand the smell of Ivory soap because my grandfather would wash me with it after abusing me. If you can at least name the pain and know where it's coming from it's half the battle.

    I'll keep you in my prayers.
    -Kathi
  12. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    Better yet put a restraining order out on her.Rid her of your life.You don't need to be reminded of your abuse and definately don't need her putting you down.Next time she comes to the house call the police and get her on harrasment.
  13. malinta

    malinta New Member

    Hi Bill,

    One of the best things about being an adult is you get to choose who you associate with. If spending time with your step-mother is not making you happy then why should you do it?

    It sounds like spending time with her is making you sick. You need to think about yourself and your own mental and emotional well being.

    Good luck
  14. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    I'm so sorry that woman had to be in your life at all. It's time to be done with her for good.

    I agree a restraining order is necessary on both her and the boyfriend. If they are causing trouble for you, they are probably harassing other people. They may already have trouble with the police and a restraining order will deter them. It will also put you in charge.

    Counseling is important to make sure you have all the demons exposed to light. Then you can heal.

    About the smell, your story reminded me of a woman I know who had chemotherapy for breast cancer. She had an awful metallic taste in her mouth the whole time she was having treatments. A couple years after she had recovered and felt good, she ran into her cancer doctor in the grocery store. The taste was in her mouth instantly. Body memories.

    I'm so sorry about your daughter. What a terrible loss to suffer. I wish you well. Take care!

    Francie