hilarious court transcripts

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Catseye, Jun 23, 2007.

  1. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    Got this in an email, too funny not to share:


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and

    are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down

    and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm

    and not cracking up while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!


    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his

    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty one-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you kidding me?


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think

    I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Guess.


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning

    pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have

    you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

    people. Would you like to rephrase that?


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

    What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you

    examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table

    wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


    --- And the best for last: ---


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

    did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

    you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,


    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have

    been alive and practicing law.
  2. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I have tears running down my cheeks from laughing at these. Thanks for the humor!
  3. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Thanks for the giggle.....


    Nancy B