His snoring has cost me my marriage :-(

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by justdifferent, May 11, 2009.

  1. justdifferent

    justdifferent New Member

    I am remarried but my marriage is over. One of the main reasons is that I asked my husband to sleep in a separate bed, because I desperately need my sleep to function - what little of it I get. My husband moved to a different bed, but sees it as me kicking him out of all sex.

    I share custody of my kids from my first marriage, and my youngest daughter is frightened to sleep on her own. She is only nine, and due to severe anxiety and depression had to be put on antidepressants this year. She was very young when her father and I separated, and she's been used to co-sleeping with me - out of necessity when my living arrangements were limited and there wasn't an extra bed.

    I don't see her as often as I'd like since I work full-time and have half-time custody, and it has broken my heart to watch her suffer. Occasionally she will keep me up at night, but she's only with me half-time, and I can usually remedy any restlessness (eg cough, cold).

    My current husband sees this as me preferring my daughter to him. Well - she is my daughter, but even if she weren't co-sleeping with me, I still couldn't bear to sleep with a loud snorer. I am so desperate for sleep just to get through the day. I have to make up for lost sleep during the week (due to work and school schedules) by sleeping a good part of the weekends, which is also cause for friction.

    I just wish he knew how hard I have to fight for sleep. It's going to be very, very hard financially and practically without him around, but he's made up his mind to leave. I make the bulk of our income; I do any housework that gets done; and I raise the kids. He is on Facebook.

    I am just wondering if anyone can relate, and what they did about a snoring partner. He refuses medical treatment for it, so that's a non-starter.
  2. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    wow...i am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. is there a good reason why your husband does not work full time?

    i'm not one of those people who believes that sleeping in the same room as an older child is necessarily unhealthy. this is done in many cultures.

    still, i think it is very important, especially for a man, to sleep in the same bed with his wife. why won't he seek medical treatment for his snoring? if he won't do that, how can he blame you for sleeping in a separate bed?

    sounds like he not serious enough about saving the marriage. my heart goes out to you...whatever happens, you will make it. you are obviously very strong.


    ps. is your daughter seeing a psychologist?

    [This Message was Edited on 05/12/2009]
  3. monkeykat

    monkeykat Member

    hi, i wear 30+ decibel earplugs. I also run a white noise machine or air purifier in order to help block the noise as well. I wear an eye mask too b/c it helps block the light and help me sleep better.

    I only require him to sleep on his side b/c he snores really bad on his back. Sometimes his snoring is so bad that I have to go sleep on the couch. After 7 years of being ill and wearing earplugs, my husband went for a sleep apnea test and got a machine -- not always easy to use. Some nights it works well and other nights are a disaster. When the CPAP machine is working well I don't need earplugs but when it's not working well I can't sleep and I end up with earplugs.

    hope that helps, Monkeykat
  4. LuvQuilting

    LuvQuilting New Member

    Yes, I can relate! My husband's snoring forced me out of our bed so that I could finally sleep. I used earplugs for years but then he gained weight and his snoring got worse and they didn't help. He refuses to go in for a sleep study. I'm sure he has sleep apnea but he doesn't want to use a Cpap machine so he figures, why bother. Then I went for another year starting out in bed and then going out on the sleep sofa. What a huge bother. I finally said, let's set up that spare twin bed in the other room so I can sleep! I figure if he wants me back in bed then he can do something about his snoring. It's not up to me to fix him, I've got my own problems!

    As far as your daughter, I think it would be better for her to sleep in her own bed. I can see why your husband would feel the way he does. Men are sensitive about those things.

    I hate to see your marriage break up over this. There are solutions and you'd be surprised at how many couples sleep in seperate beds.
  5. spacee

    spacee Member

    I read recently that 12% of married couples don't sleep together. That really isn't as many as I thought it would be..due to snoring.

    Personally, I feel your husband is a big baby. (I am the mother of 3 adult sons). The issue is more than not sleeping together. He is not pulling his weight in the house. Should he ever get medical help for the snoring (which I doubt), he needs counseling on how to be a husband. And he is the adult and your precious little one is a child. He needs to help you take care of her needs. Which are real needs and not you putting her first.

    Bless your heart. You deserve better.

  6. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Yes, I am in the same boat, i fall asleep first and he falls asleep on the couch and then comes in bed later when i am already asleep then i am fine.

    I do agree with one of the other posts about having your children sleep with you, I am sure that is not good for them to do that, but it is your family and life and if you choose to let her that is your business. However, i can also understand how your husband feels on that matter. I would kind of feel left out as well.

    Good luck and hopefully, you get some good advice here.
  7. Pippi1313

    Pippi1313 New Member

    An adult should be able to deal with & find solutions to feeling left out. Children don't have enough life experience to know how to cope.

    Not to sound cold, but...
    Men come & go. In 20 years, your daughter will only remember that you distanced yourself from her & pushed her away (that's how she'll remember the feeling) cuz some man told you to.

    I realize that's not accurate. I'm just saying kids remember how they felt at the time. They're not aware of your internal & marital conflict.

    Your daughter has emotional needs that hafta be addressed now, not later when (if) you've come to an agreement with hubby.
    She doesn't have the power, authority, or ability to clearly state her needs.

    Men act like big spoiled babies cuz we let them get away with it.

    You said "his snoring cost me my marriage". But that's not quite accurate. His attitude is costing you your marriage. That can't be fixed with a cpap...
    [This Message was Edited on 05/12/2009]
  8. Empower

    Empower New Member

    I had to kick my husband out of my bed

    He wouldn't do anything about the snoring, and I NEED MY SLEEP

    As soon as I would fall asleep, he would wake me with his snoring and then I was up all night!

    He is not happy, but too darn bad
  9. blueeyedgrl73

    blueeyedgrl73 New Member

    your husband sounds pretty selfish. my ex-husband snored so bad the walls rattled (lol) and I would end up on the couch. talk about being grumpy! i was in my 20s and didnt have the problems i do now and was a grouch! sleep deprivation is horrible! especially when you have an illness! btw...earplugs didnt work for me but also they arent really safe to sleep with....you need to be able to hear your fire alarm and you want to be able to hear your kids too. for some reason ear plugs didnt drown out the horrible snoring for me.

    sometimes we have to realize that we need to only have those things and people around us who will be a positive thing in our lives and weed out the negative.

    As far as your daughter sleeping with you, i agree with jamin....let her sleep with you. she is only there part-time and she needs that security. one day she will be grown and she will remember how mom offered that security to her during this trying time in her life. she wont always want that closeness as she gets older so enjoy it now!
    [This Message was Edited on 05/13/2009]
  10. zassy40

    zassy40 New Member

    I think it comes down to compromise. I have Fibro & terrible RLS and my husband snores like a banshee! He is seeking help for his snoring and I am taking meds for RLS. I think it is very important for married couples to be able to sleep together. We have so many health issues and I think you have to be supportive of one another.

    On another note, we had a similar problem with our son sleeping in our bed until finally we put our foot down and it really does help without another person tossing and turning all night.
  11. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Sorry but it sounds like there is way more going on than your husband being upset about not being able to sleep in the same bed.
    He's willing to walk away from a marriage over this??? - and truthfully it doesn't sound like you're that upset about it.

    I agree he sounds like he's being a bit of a baby. Although I hate to judge because we really don't know the whole/full story. Do you two have good communication skills? Is this something that can't be talked about more - everything including the issue with your daughter? What about something simple like you moving to another bed, not him. He wouldn't feel like he's the one being 'kicked out'.

    My husband always tells me to sleep in the bed (we have a very comfy bed) but I'm the one that doesn't want to wake him. I get up several times in the night. He says he doesn't care.
    He does snore too though, and if I don't fall asleep first, forget it.

    As far as sex goes - if you want to save this marriage, make other 'arrangements" - who says you have to have sex at night when you're going to bed. I mean, you could always do it, then one of you go to the other room.
    To me, there are lots of possible compromises, but the issues sound much deeper - especially if this marriage is so easy to walk away from.

    I hope whatever happens, that you're okay with it.
  12. Pippi1313

    Pippi1313 New Member

    Maybe I'm just an idealist, but shouldn't a realtionship be about mutual support? I'm so sick of hearing peeps (usually the guy) say " 'we' need to compromise", when he really means "do things MY way & "we" will be happy". (And if he's not "happy" he'll make sure no one else is either.)
    "Compromise" has come to mean the woman is expected to sacrifice so the man will be thrilled with the situation...

    Cynical, yes. But I've seen it go like that, WAY too often.
  13. spacee

    spacee Member

    I am really mostly concerned about her and the depression she is having. (Not to mean I don't care about your marriage, I do. Just that she is a child).

    I wonder if a pet could cheer her up and eventually sleep with her in her own bed.

    Also, I had one son who wanted to sleep with us. At least he would start out in his own bed. I made a pallet on the floor beside my side of the bed. Must have been something about that house. We moved again and got bunk beds too (maybe he felt safer sleeping on the top bunk.) Well, I know that isn't a choice for you.

    Hope you get some help.

  14. mujuer

    mujuer New Member

    My husband has put on some pounds since he stopped smoking last year and has started snoring. He is scheduled for a sleep study. He falls asleep before his head hits the pillow so I wait until the snoring starts and it isn't every night but when it is, I hop out with pillow in tow and head for the other end of the house where the guest bed is. My husband is sad that I do this but is very understanding. He has even offered to get up and move to the other room but I don't want to wake him up and he is the one who works and has his alarms all set up and he needs to be comfy in his own bed. Me, I am so small that I can fit on the twin guest bed or even the couch. My son-in-law can chip paint off the entire house with his snoring. Him and my daughter have never slept together and that doesn't bother them either.

    I slept with my mother as a child and my sister slept with my grandmother as we lived with her after my father flew the coup and my grandfather had died. It was such a comfort. After I divorced, one of my kids slept me with me for a long time because he was the youngest and needed to be close. None of us were ever harmed by sleeping with parents.

    I with the other posters on this one, c-ya dude. P
  15. Heyygirl

    Heyygirl New Member

    Yup I am on my second marriage and I told him ahead of time that I need quiet to be able to sleep...he has the CPAP and it comes loose...tons of noise...so I tried the earplugs...all I did was dream I had earplugs in my ears so didn't sleep...white noise machine helps for awhile but after 5 hours, I bail out to the other room. He has accepted it. We sex it up when I go to bed...9PM....he comes back in later to go to sleep about midnight...I leave about 1 or 2 to the other room...with another white noise machine. We seem to be doing fine because we both know we need our sleep. He is a good man and I know I am lucky.

  16. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    My husband snores very loudly all night long. We've been sleeping in separate rooms for most of our marriage and we're both a lot happier because of it. We started getting along better when we started sleeping separately because I was keeping him up all night too with my constant moving around etc....
  17. AdirondackScarlet

    AdirondackScarlet New Member

    But rather than make him lose sleep, I leave the room to TRY to sleep where I won't cause him to lose sleep.
    Has he tried breathe Right strips? Wildman can vibrate windows, so if HE"S snoring --and making it so I can't sleep- I also leave the room.
    EVER NOTICE-> the one who snores usually falls asleep first leaving the other annoyed that they can sleep thru ALL THAT noise?
  18. AdirondackScarlet

    AdirondackScarlet New Member

    make dates with him for sex after kids are asleep, or bright & early- shower/bathe together. Seperate beds do not cause lack of sex , loss of interest does as does insecurity etc....

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