Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by notsure, May 19, 2003.

  1. notsure

    notsure New Member

    I am faced with my sister coming for 8 days on 25th this month, 3 days after she arrives friends with 3 kids under the age of 4 arrive for 8 days, then we get 6 days rest and have my pil's for 12 days!

    I told my sister that if I say I am too tired to do something that she shouldn't complain, if I did do it then I would ruin it for eveyrone because I would be so grumpy.

    Our friend with 3 kids should be ok but it will still be very tiring, the workload increased as my friend is a veyr organised and clean and tidy person. It means with my 9yrold off school, our 3 yr old and 1 1/2 yr old and her 3 we will have 4 adults and 6 kids, 5 under the age of 4 arrggghh!!!!!

    And my pil's...well lets just say I expect my mil to tell me to go and lie down for a bit then expect me to be all better. She has 6 boys in 6 years and an't quite understnad how mothers today can't cope, let alone all these 'illness's' that the doctors keeping making up, she thinks my fibro is a cop out, an excuse not to do things.

    My husband will be working 2 days the first week, 1 day the next but then goes away for 4 days including the first two days of no houseguests. Then the week after his parents leave he will be busy at work and the 1st 3 weekends in july he will be working all weekend, 2 of them involve a trip.

    Right now I am exhausted and in tears at the thought of having to cope with it all, how on earth will I be able to keep up?????

    I am lost, I see no end in sight for me, no breaks, no rest nothing. I know I will cope, we all cope but I am scared.... The little ones are going througha very demanding stage and I am exhausted and in paina nd tears at the end of eveyrday right now as it is, I can't imagine what it will be like trying to keep going for so long.

    Please if anyone has some ideas, or things they do to help themselves I really need to hear them.

    Preferably things that don't cost much as we are strapped for cash too.
  2. 2girls

    2girls New Member

    I had my brother,SIL, and thier two year old staying at my place for three days (left yesterday). It was not easy. I way overdid it on housecleaning last week. I felt the house had to shine since thier home is more like a museum. I did too much & stressed too much and the house was upside down within one hour of thier arrival! The best part is, they did'nt care! They were also very helpful all weekend - picking up after themselves and my nephew. It seems I put unnecessary stress on myself, but boy am I paying for it now. My advice to you would be either not to overdo anything or ask them if they would'nt mind staying elsewhere.

    Good luck
  3. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    Especially for people who do not get our lives. I know I always, like most, want to do all the things we let slide do to fatigue. Then over do before they come to prepare. If you can only just tell yourself I am going to do the best I can, they just have to acccept it. Not always easy for most of us. Also adds to some inferior feelings of not being able to keep up and entertain. When my mom is here she needs to be constantly entertained in some way and puts a guilt trip on me about it being her last visit, etc. Last time I just did what I could do, yes pushed it some and payed for it. Yet, I pay for stupid things weather,cleaning,projests,volunteer,etc. So, just do as much as you can and rest inbetween,whether they understand or not, that is their prob.,not your fault. Try to relax and enjoy the good things you enjoy,let them help. When they see you can`t move, they just may get the hint. I know what you mean it is nice to have family and deversion,but we stress toooo much about it. If you had some other understandable illness, they would have to,try to tell yourself that. Gosh, now if I would only take and use some of my own words,I would be My BIL, say`s company after 3 days are like fish, they start to smell,lol. As for the kids, get what ever you can,even helping out,make a game of it, or make them feel important for helping you. I can not take alot of kids around anymore for too long, the noise. Good luck, due your best to rest before and after. O.K.

    P.S. If you have low bp do not take valerian,it lowers bp.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/20/2003]
  4. sofy

    sofy New Member

    A perfectly healthy person would have a hard time coping with all that togetherness in your own nest. Try very hard not to meet others expectations but listen to your own health needs. If you need a nap say so but dont say Sorry first. You dont have to be sorry for needing a nap -- its just a fact and excuse yourself. If you are too tired to do such and such. Smile and tell them to have a good time but you are not going to go. Saying your too tired and all just muddies it up. You dont need to explain why you are not going or feel guilty about it. If you concentrate on how to best manage and conserve your energies instead of pleasing all by doing more than you have in you a better time will be had by all.
    In the future you might want to think about learning how to say NO. That many house guests so close together is not a good thing.
  5. schnoodle

    schnoodle New Member

    I know how you feel. I too am having houseguests and then going out of town (which we never do anymore). It is all too much isn't it. I can't imagine even letting someone stay at my house who thinks this is a cop out. I wouldn't even be speaking to someone like that (even family). You certainly don't need to explain yourself. Go lay down and rest when you need to. These people can take care of themselves. For my guests I am getting pizza. And cereal and such will have to do. They are coming to see me, not expecting me to overdo for them. I am concerned about going out of town and overdoing. I have decided that I will go lay down when I need to and I don't care if anyone understands or not. But it is indeed depressing. Take care. YOu may get some enjoyment out of the visit. Take it one step at a time. It will be over soon. Hang on.
  6. granmakitty12

    granmakitty12 New Member

    I would take it really easy on the cleaning before they come. With little children coming, it will get messy soon after their arrival.

    When my family comes for a holiday or a long week-end, one of the things I have found out that is helpful is to make several dishes, casseroles, desserts, etc. ahead of time and then just let them help themselves. Also, have sandwich type food on hand, like deli-meat and cheese and bread. If you aren't up to making the food ahead of time, just have the sandwich food.

    This situation can bring out the worst stress there is; no matter how much we love our family. I am speaking from
    experience. I try to avoid having alot of company or any company at all. I just don't enjoy this anymore. I know this sounds unsocialable. I can't help it.

    Also have plenty of paper plates, cups, and silverware on hand. Just try to be in a good mood and show your company you are glad to see them and enjoy them the best you can. Families are important!!

    Sometimes I get all wrapped up with playing with the grand-
    children and let someone else take charge in the kitchen.

    Good luck, Granmakitty
  7. kgg

    kgg New Member

    have you considered cancelling the visit? It didn't earn me any brownie points but I cancelled a visit last Christmas with my relatives. I like you were dreading it to the point it was stressing me out and making me worse. If the dread of the visit is bad, I would reconsider what you can do.

    We just told them that my health was bad and it wasn't a good time for a visit. Was it easy to do? No. Did I feel guilty? Yes. Was it worth it? Definately. My health improved instead of crashing. Just something to consider.
  8. Kathryn

    Kathryn New Member

    Go to Goodwill or St. Vinnie's, buy $10 worth of books that look interesting, beg a friend to lend you their mountain/beach/desert/whatever cabin for the duration of the familial visits, and don't tell anyone where you are. You might want to leave your husband a note telling him when you will be back, and that if he files for divorce you will insist that he gets custody of the kids.
    I hope that you realize that I am joking, but it is important for you to have some time for yourself to recharge your batteries. I know I saw a great article establishing the validity of our problems on this site just the other day. Someone with a better memory than mine can probably help you here. Good luck. I do not envy you!!!
  9. dd

    dd New Member

    Is there any way you can re-schedule your family and friends so that they aren't ALL coming within days of each other??? Having that much company for that many days would due me in for months. May I did you get roped into all this company almost all at the same time??? I know that sometimes we feel guilty if we say "no" to family and friends. I am finding it easier and easier to turn people down and not feel to guilty about it. It took me a while to be able to do that but the stress is just not worth it anymore. I was always the one that had the family get togethers at my house. I would stress out over the house cleaning and the cooking and everything else that goes along with guests in the home. For the past year or so I have not had any family gatherings at my least not big ones. I will have company occassionaly but it is only for a few hours and we usually order pizza. I have politely started asking other family members to take on the party giving in the family. I told them that I just cannot physically handle big parties anymore. Perhaps your relatives could split up their stay with other relatives. That would take some of the stress off of you for a few days anyway. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and say no. Maybe offer to make reservations for them at a local hotel???? That way you could spend time with them without all the hassles involved.

    Best of luck to you.


  10. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    This is waaaaaay over the top for what most of us would be able to put up with. If we do not stick up for ourselves and tell people we have serious illnesses so that we are just not able to accommodate them, we will suffer physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    I think most of us worry too much about what others think and worry too little about what these kinds of heoric efforts do to our health. No wonder people don't take us seriously. We continue, despite being ill, to accommodate our friends and families who have no concept of what we are going through. If you were sick with AIDS, cancer, heart disease, etc. would they still expect you to host their visits? Our illnesses are real and serious.

    I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but we have to learn to take responsibility for our own well-being. No one else will take us seriously until we do.

    Love, Mikie
  11. Helen233

    Helen233 New Member

    my sympathy goes out to you. I had houseguests last year for only one night, I survived because I really wanted to see them so bad. Try to keep things very very simple, That is hard to do especially if you are neurotic about cleaning.

    I wish I had some advice for you but I do not, but I certainly do empathize and understand your worry
  12. DebP

    DebP New Member

    It definitely sounds like you will have your hands full for awhile, but try try not to let it overwhelm you. I know thats a very hard chore above all others as i am very much the same as you in these situations.
    If weather permits, i dont know where you live, but taking all the kids to the park or on picnics where there is lots to keep them occupied would be one low cost thing that you could do to keep them long as you can afford to feed them all. And I do hope that you will have the support that you need from the other adults that will be there to help with the kids....Good Luck and try not to stress yet just try to relax and rest up for all of this as much as possible.

    Deb Parfait
  13. Notonline

    Notonline New Member

    Sorry Notsure, I would probably go with the suggestion Kathryn posted. LOL Seriously, the way I'm feeling today...I couldn't even imagine something like this...I would pack my bags and rent a hotel room faaarrr faaarrr away.

    Remember if you roll the windows up in the car and turn the radio all the way up the neighbors won't hear you screaming as much.

    Seriously need to start saying NO. It might not make you the most-liked member of the family, but your health and sanity sometimes depends on it. My son is 4, and although I love him dearly, I couldn't imagine having 2 other children to take care of too...let alone taking on something like this. I overdid it Sunday trying to do some major clean up to a house we're having remodeled...I am really paying now for it.
  14. lucky

    lucky New Member

    My best advice is to learn to say NO when situations like this happen. This is absolutely necessary to keep the stresses under control and if people do not understand it, well, they better learn to understand it. It is much easier to learn to say NO than suffer weeks on end after your visitors are gone. Unluckily a lot of people have a problem with guilt, but this all can be a new experience to relearn and rethink that we should not feel guilty if it comes to our own wellbeing and health.
    Take care, sincerely, Lucky