How do I accept this DD ?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Princessraye, Jun 5, 2003.

  1. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    I don't even understand the concept of accepting it! My mom has always told me that I need to accept this. She has had FMS/CFS for 40 + years. She said that does not mean you don't try to get better, that you don't try to learn about things that might help you but you are wasting your energy not accepting this.
    I have no clue how to do that. It's like there is a concrete barrier around my brain for that. I don't know what it means.
    After dealing with this for 16 years maybe I will never accept it but since my mom seems to have a better attitude, handle things better, etc. I would like to try.
    If anyone has words of wisdom on this subject, I would like to hear it. Sometimes just one person's way of saying something can cause a light bulb to go on. I would appreciate you trying to help me understand this.
  2. MemoryLane

    MemoryLane Member

    My answer would have to be...Don't accept least until more is known about it. No one should ever have to settle for less, but you learn to choose your battles with these ilnesses, because less is all we have right now.

    Until more is known about the pathology of all these seemingly related conditions, including definitive testing and treatment plans/options, we should not accept it.

    I will step down now from my soapbox...


  3. donna13210

    donna13210 Member

    How do you think you are NOT accepting this DD? By this do you mean that you feel too sorry for yourself? I don't understand your question, but it's probably my brain!

    How does your mom have a better attitude? How does she handle things better? Does she just cry less?

    If you could give us more info maybe we could be of more help. For instance, if your mom is a more positive person and you tend to be more negative, you could work on the negative attitude rather than on the FMS. Does that make sense? This is just an example, this may not be what you mean at all.

    Hang in there!!

  4. tansy

    tansy New Member

    During my better patches I used to accept that it was there for just for that particular time, that if I went with the flow I could achieve more and maximise both my activities and coping skills. I used to refer to it as positive acceptance which also included doing all I could to maximise my health, make progress etc. During the down times I used self talk to remind myself that it would all pass and that somewhere along the line I would return to a more tolerable life.

    Have to admit though this was extremely difficult when I went into a rapid downward spiral 5 years ago leaving me with very few days of life enhancing activities. I had to go through yet another grieving process and start to readjust how I thought about my illness. Still working on it. However, joining this board has meant finding what the little voice in my head has been trying to say to me over the years. So finding what appears to be at the bottom of my problems has given me fresh hope and consequently a whole new outlook on my life with this DD.


  5. devanier

    devanier New Member

    I was recently diagnosted with fm but before than i could not accept this disease until I was put in the hospital for depression didn't want to go on with life until I sat with this lady that had hiv that told me her story.seen people that had no limbs.etc.and i start praying,saying to my self i have these thing that people wish they have even if I'm in pain.I CAN GO ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!LIVING WITH THIS FM.
  6. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    My mom rarely mentions how bad she feels although I know she feels that way all the time. I on the other hand talk about it to her every week when we speak on the phone.
    I still have anger over it, she does not. I still get frustrated over it, she does not.
    She just accepts it . I can't even understand the concept of not being angry or frustrated by this.
  7. OmShanti

    OmShanti New Member

    it's really hard to accept things that we can't even understand. these DDs are so scary because there's seemingly no known way out of them. i'm having the same acceptance problem, i can't accept that this is how things are going to be for the rest of our lives. there's got to be an answer out there and i'm hopeful that it will be found because otherwise i just wouldn't be able to keep going each day. point in replying was just to remind us of the fact that every human being is different and has they're own way of dealing with things and reacting to things, and that's not something any of us should feel guilty about. i know that's not an answer (gosh do i wish i had an answer!), i just think it's maybe it does more harm than good to compare your battle and your coping process with your mother's, you know? you own your pain and your feelings and your acceptance or non-acceptance of whatever this is that we've been dealt, and i think it's your right to embrace that non-acceptance. non-acceptance isn't negative i don't can be a very positive thing, to me it shows that you have strength in you to conquer this thing, or at least work at getting to where it's living and not just surviving. there must be some balance i guess, between accepting and not accepting. there's something wrong, we have to accept that, but accepting that there's no way out, well that's just silly, it's like giving up in a way...i don't know if i'm making sense anymore!
    just be strong and don't beat yourself up for being human :)

    how does that saying go? something like 'accept the things we cannot change and change the things we cannot accept' or something like that.

    peace ~ t
  8. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    My understanding of accepting these DD's is that instead of waiting to get better or for a cure to come along we acknowledge that we are affected by them and that our lives have changed because of them.

    When we are able to do this we can move from our illness defining us to it just being part of who we are, not the whole thing. I am much more than CFS and FM. I am a mother and a caring person. I am involved in activities that my health allows. However I also realize that every day is not going to be the same and each person is not the same.

    The saying the previous writer referred to is the Serenity Prayer.
    God grant me the serenity
    To accept the things I cannot change,
    To change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.


  9. pearls

    pearls New Member

    Do a search for Madwolf's messages. He started a thread several months ago on this subject and a lot of good ideas were shared.

    I agree that you may have to let some time pass before you can accept this DD, but it will be worthwhile reading that previous thread anyway so the idea can start to simmer in your mind, so to speak.

  10. DonnaMarie

    DonnaMarie New Member

    Hi PrincessRaye, Acceptance might not be the right word. I just look at it as this is way it is, this is the way I am now and I find ways around living and doing what I want to do. You know the old saying, "When life hands you lemons make lemonade"? That is what I do. I make ALOT OF LEMONADE!

    There are so many things in this life I have wanted to do and I still want to do and I find ways to get to them.

    This disease forces us to live differently then we used to and to do things differently. It also forces us to live healthier. For some I have heard it has been a wake up call. I don't like my CFS/FM but if I didn't have it, I would be outside the house working as a Paralegal in a law firm rather than staying home being the main care giver to my grand daughter and owning and operating my own business at my own pace.

    I also believe in things happening for a reason. Is there something you need to be slowing down for? Have you wanted to write a book, paint a wonderful canvas or learn more about your self and your feelings?

    Look at this disease as a wake up call and you may just find some good coming out of the bad. That is my best advice. I hope it helps!

    Donna Marie
  11. Applyn59

    Applyn59 New Member

    Hi Princess,

    You and I seem to have a lot in common lately!
    I have been disabled for 14 years with back
    problems and 9 years with various other
    problems. I still can't accept any of it. I, too,
    talk about everything.

    I feel bad because I know my mother doesn't
    need me to be talking and/or complaining about
    everything all the time. She is the one who best
    understands me though so I like to talk to her about
    it. I just can't except that my life has been ruined and
    that all my dreams have been squashed.

    She, on the other hand, accepts everything with
    grace. She got breast cancer - she accepted it.
    She just accepts everything and it doesn't seem
    to eat her up the way it does me. However,
    she is very very anxious about my health and
    hers as well, I guess. I think the only reason she
    is that upset about her health is because she
    worries about me without her.

    I just wish I could be more accepting, too.
    It's just difficult to accept something that effects
    every aspect of your life. Especially, when all
    of your friends and relatives have no health
    problems and everything you want.

    If you find an answer, let me know! LOL
    You seem to be doing well to me. Like I said
    in another message, I admire you. You work
    and you are helpful here and you don't sound
    like you don't accept it. When I read the title
    and saw that you started the thread, I couldn't
    believe that it was you.

    It helps me to know that I am not the only one who
    isn't accepting this. I feel like I need grief counseling, even though I have had all of this for decades!
    Take Care,
  12. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    We all have commonalities in our processes with these disorders, and seem to go through similar phases. I believe though, because we are individuals, we come to different conclusions, and don't all face these in the same ways emotionally, and in the same lengths of time. You state that you have been "dealing" with this for 16 years. Dealing to me describes a method of proactivity that you are taking in your health. Dealing does not signify denial in my mind.

    Perhaps you and your mother have differing ways of acceptance or dealing. After all each is an individual. Perhaps due to your age differences she has reached a point in her life where she is not as proactive? Perhaps due to differing amounts of pain, stress, or depression, she is more mellow than you.

    If wasting energy is an issue she brings up--consider how you do spend your energies. Is it in search of better treatment for yourself, researching, striving for a better quality of life? Is it doing all that you can in your environment and lifestyle to live as healthily as you can? If so, then I believe acceptance is there, and a big dose of hope. Hope springs eternal, and it is what feeds us, to continually go on.

    If you are happy with your emotional condition, you do not have to duplicate anothers. If you find there are areas that need improvement, then by all means work on those areas, exploring them one at a time. Keep in mind your individuality, and that your methods may differ from others, and the results, may also. Do not beat yourself up for handling your DD's in a different way from anothers, though. This is your path, and it should lead in the direction you choose, and at your own pace.

    Best wishes, LL
  13. Dara

    Dara New Member

    recommended to me by a person who works only with FM patients, regarding the acceptance and living with FMS. The name of the book is "A Delicate Balance", Living Successfully with Chronic Illness. The Author is Susan Millstrey Wells. This might help you find some answers.

  14. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I think some of us like to talk about it, get it out in the open, then some of us are more quiet, take care of it ourselves. I like to talk about the pain also. I have realized though it gets on others nerves around me, to talk about it to them all the time. It makes me feel like a whiner. So.. I talk about it now in therapy. Thought about joining a FM support group, talk about it there.. Not sure yet though.

    Everyone is on different levels of understanding and accepting, dont be so hard on yourself. Keep on trying doing your thing, what works for you.

  15. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    for all the responses. It will take awhile to digest all the info :)
  16. loopyloo

    loopyloo New Member

    I think that not axcepting what we have can cause a lot of stress and stress makes the illness worse alot worse so try not to get stressed and this will make a big diffrence i am having a terrible time the last 9 weeks i have been of work with stress i did not accept or maybe forgot that i cant do things like i used to, like shopping for fruit at the market if i carry a heavy bag i cannot use my arm or hand for a week because it is so painful i am just learning no i cannot carry that bag or not to pick up some thing that is heavy as i will pay for it tomorrow i think once we accept what we can do and what we can't do and not getting stressed about it that is half the battle
    keep you chin up
    ((big hugs))
    Loopyloo xx
  17. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Death of a loved one is not the only thing which can make us go through the grieving process. We grieve for what might have been, for what we perceive that we have lost. It does help to find a therapist who can helps us navigate through denial and anger and reach acceptance.

    It takes many times more energy to not accept reality than to accept it and create a life which includes our illnesses. It's like fighting the waters as we swim upstream; it makes us depressed, tired, and we go nowhere. If we learn to relax and go with the flow, we usually end up discovering things we missed while battling the river.

    My Mom always said that God never closes one door but what He opens another. This has always been true. Our lives are changed by getting sick with something which limits our ability to work and do the things we used to enjoy. We have to learn to create new lives.

    Many of us have learned that it is possible to achieve at least some degree of healing. Use your energy to discover what will help you feel better. Use your creativity to discover how you will live with your illness. See these as challenges to be overcome.

    I believe we are here in this Earthschool to grow spiritually, not necessarily to pursue our own wants. We usually learn little when things are not challenging. We learn from adversity. By refusing to find acceptance, we are wasting this opportunity to grow and become more spiritual.

    If I could, I would get rid of my illnesses in a NY minute, but until there are cures, I will continue to try to live the best quality of life possible as things are. I pray you find peace in your life.

    Love, Mikie