How do I cope ? My husband has FMS..I am scared,sad. angry..

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by monettareyes, Jan 11, 2003.

  1. monettareyes

    monettareyes New Member

    Can someone help with experience strength and hope. I want to be a good wife to my husband. He hurts all the time. We are slowly loosing our business. I am scared. He keeps holding on and working even though he struggles to get out of bed. He is so different now. His personality is changing. He is angry, short tempered, without any patience. He is such a sweet kind man with a strong faith in Christ. Our family is blended and that alone is a struggle. His ex is on crack/alcohol and my ex is alcoholic. We have been in Alanon with oor kids for years. My husband is there tonight. The kids are scared. Any one out there?? Do you understand? How can I help my husband without driving him crazy??
  2. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Hi, welcome to the board. Well, I am the 'patient' here, but will try to help you cope with your dear husband.

    Its a terrible feeling to need help, to not be able to get up in the morning without what feels like a 'hangover' when you never had a drink!
    The awful Fibro Fog when you forget things that everyone else just takes for granted, the sinus problems, the sleeplessness night after night.

    Wow, I know my husband is very good with me, but I do get so out of it sometimes, that I can see in his face how hard it is for him to just stand by and watch me suffer.

    You do have an advantage, you are both Christians, so are we, that does take the edge off of a lot of it all.

    I know that I like to do as much for myself as I can, without any help, I don't like to be patronized, or babied. I have learned though, that when I need help, I will ask for it. Before, I would hurt myself before I would admit that I needed help.

    Be patient, we go through a period that we refuse to believe we are suffering, then we get angry that we have this illness that no one seems to be able to do anything about.
    Then, like myself, you come to accept the fact that you are ill, and that you do need help. There is the griving stage too, for the person you 'used' to be before this hit you.

    I have been married to the same man for 30 years, had been 'diagnosed'with Fibro for 20 years, but had it longer than that. I also raised three children, and ran a Child Care Center with Fibro for ten years alone.

    I know how your husband feels, but its going to be him to make the decisions as to how he is going to cope with this, and how to pace his energy.

    I quit going to doctors, I take supplements, and am feeling better now pain wise, sleeping good, the sinus is not bad anymore, even the IBS is under control. The only med I take is Xanax once a day.

    This is from a womans point of view with Fibro. We do have quite a few men on this board that also have Fibro, and I hope they will tell you what you can do to help from a man's point of view, and how you can help your husband too.

    We also have a couple that both suffer from this illness. They could help you a great deal.

    If he would be interested in what I take, I will be glad to post it.

    The most important thing about Fibro (to me) is to work on getting a goodnights deep sleep, then the pain is less, and so on and so forth. Others may disagree with me, but since I am now sleeping deeply, I am at the least 80% better.

    If he would allow you, I have a 'wireless mattress heating pad', it is so wonderful for the pain and morning stiffness. They are sold at Penny's, Sear's, and Spiegel's.

    Again, welcome to the board, and I will keep you in my prayers. Feel free to ask all you questions you have, we will try to help. The board is slow on the weekends, so please bump your post up if it goes to the bottom of the page.

    Shalom, Shirl

  3. murillomod

    murillomod New Member

    have patience, do not give up!!! Learn as much as you can, this board has a wealth of info. Just remember, there will be good days, just have hope and faith. I admire my husband for all that he is going through.
  4. Carina

    Carina New Member

    I too have FMS and I want to congratulate you on wanting to be supportive.

    I guess thing I can tell you is that our moderator had a lot of good oints. Until the sleep can get restored to a dreaming state, nothing much helps. At least it didn't with me. An airmattress with a fleece blanket or heated warming pad can be a first geat step toward that goal. It is also hard to sleep when you have muscle spasms. Hopefully you get your husband to go to a Dr. to prescribe Flexeril or another muscle relaxer that he can take before bedtime.

    Both of you will go through the different stages of grief but not necessarily the same stage at the same time. I, too, had a hard time asking for help. I also grieved over the person I once was and the life long belief of what I'd be doing at my age but now am unable to do. There is a real identity crisis that goes on. Perhaps when you feel the need to bark back at your hubbies short temper it may help to just give him some room then later use a soft voice, especially when you are trying to make a point. I respond much better to a quiet voice when things get bad for me for 2 reasons. 1. it helps to stop the situation from getting worse. 2. Most of the time my hearing seems to amplify sounds.That really grates on my nerves. Other times I can't hear well at all.

    Also most of us are very sensitve to the acid in the nightshade family: potatoes(especially).tomatoes,eggplant and peppers. If you could keep a diary of what food you serve and snacks your husband eats, and how bad his pain is within 24hours after ingestion, you may see a definate pattern develop. I even had grief over not being able to eat potatoes again !!!

    Use your support people. Al-anon works becos you have a common problem. You will have to find a new group who is going through the same thing as you are now. You will discover many things on this board to help and both you and your husband. Your Al-anon people will be lmited in 1st hand knowledge about FMS and will in time be unable to help you.My prayers are with you and your husband on this journey.

    [This Message was Edited on 01/11/2003]
  5. popgun

    popgun New Member

    Hi, I cannot get my post to you to stick it will only let me give a short reply, and that won't help you. I f you could send me your e-mail I will send you guys some suggestions to help you. my e-mail is
  6. RedAngel48

    RedAngel48 New Member

    I just want you to know that I'm going to be praying for you and for your husband. I remember when I was first diagnosed which took years of being in pain first. I used to sit at the edge of my pool, not being able to go in because the water was never warm enough and it actually hurt my body to put more than my feet in. But it felt good on my feet because they always burn. Anyway, I would sit there and cry, my husband would sit with me feeling helpless. I felt like everything I ever wanted to do with my life was gone and now I was slave to this disease. My legs sting and ache all day long. My neck is aways swollen and I have pain that shoots down my arms, and legs. My back is stiff most of the time. I get tired of being so drugged up. Although I'm not out of it, I was just depressed at the thought of taking lots of medication. So I'd quit, then everything would get worse. It took about a year and a half before I finally came to terms within myself that I wasn't going to let this own me. Even though I have to deal with it evey day, I wasn't going to let it ruin my life. It's hard to come to that place where you are just tollerating it and making the best with what the Lord has given you. I kind of am reminded of Paul and the thorn in his side, I guess this is our thorn.
    Continue to be understanding with your husband. If he will allow it one thing that would help him is massage of his arms and legs. Not the squeezing kind because although that feels good while it's happening it hurts after. But the pull rub type put your hands around his arms and gently pull them down with slight pressure all the way to his finger tips. Do the same with his legs, start at the top of his thighs and move your hands gently but kind of firmly down all the way to his toes. A gentel foot massage helps too. I wish they had a book on how to massage people with fibro, that would be such a wonderful help for all of us. Anyway that type of massage will ease the stinging in the arms and legs and it will releive the stress. It's also a wonderful way to bond so that he will know that you do care. It's harder to be the "man" of the family and have this happen. It's like your usefulness is leaving even though they will forever be useful you don't feel that way when you are in so much pain. I hope this helps a little. There is a wealth of information here so don't give up!
    Prayers assending