How do I deal with the guilt???

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jaden, May 20, 2003.

  1. Jaden

    Jaden New Member

    I don't post often as my time is taken up with my daughter and teen son.

    My problem is that I feel so guilty. I find it hard to play for long periods of time with my 3yr old dd. I can't push her on the swing for long periods of time, as it causes my so much pain in my shoulders.
    She should be going to play groups etc, as she is a very bright child and needs the extra stimulation. She also has many social anxieties that she needs to be around others more. I don't have the energy to do these things with her.
    I feel like a terrible mother!!

    My house is a wreck, I just can't keep up with it all. I am a stay at home mom. My Dr is having me apply for disability as not only is the pain getting to me, but more so the exhausten.
    The TV has become a babysitter some days. In the afternoon I put a movie on for my dd and tell her it is quiet time. Some days she falls asleep and other days she just watches it while I doze on and off.

    I feel so angry that this is happening to me!! I went thru 8 yrs of infertility and the still birth of a child to have this miracle daughter and now I feel like I am failing her.

    My dh doesn't seem to truly understand how I am feeling. I am the kind who doesn't tell how terrible I am truly feeling. I did talk to my Dr and he has increased my anti depressants, as I have suffered from depression for many years, even before this dd.

    I am somewhat lucky that due to some special needs my daughter has that I get 3 hrs of parent relief a week. A time when I should clean but find myself just sitting relaxing. It should be me that takes her out, but I just don't have the energy or motovation to do it.

    How do I deal with the guilt and get out of this funk I am in. How do I get motivated to clean this house??? To take my daugther outside to play??

    Sorry to ramble but no one seems to understand how bad I am feeling most days. The pain isn't extreme just there. More of an all over achy feeling.

    Please help!!

    Joanne
  2. hazygal

    hazygal New Member

    Your not alone, come to us... I've got severe CFS and can hardly to ANYTHING with my three year old boy and seven year old daughter! Mommy can we play together? I cannot hardly do anything, the guilt eats me up. It's not our fault.
  3. Carolyn0508

    Carolyn0508 New Member

    Dear Joanne,

    The best thing you can do is forgive yourself. We're all used to asking others to forgive us and to forgive others but we are much tougher on ourselves. We all have had to deal with things we'd love to do but just can't because of our disease. You are not a terrible mother, trust me. Your message reeks with love for your children and that is the most important thing. In the long run, it won't matter how many physical activities you did with them but the feelings between you and the emotional support they had growing up. I also believe nobody will remember how clean the house was. Mine's a disaster too and I've started trying to get more help from the kids (14&16) and hubby. There's nothing wrong with relaxing when you have quiet time. And it's OK that someone else takes your little one out for play time. We all do feel guilty at times, but we shouldn't. We have a restrictive illness that limits what we can do. I try to do what I can do cheerfully and not let what I can't do get to me. Let us know how you're doing and I pray for you this slump will pass.

    Warm Regards
    Carolyn
  4. averilpam

    averilpam New Member

    I feel so for you moms and understand your feelings of guilt. I was never too good at playing with my daughter (and I wasn't ill!) Mom's who go out to work usually feel guilty too, for not being there enough. I guess we can all find something to beat ourselves up about.

    Joanne, don't feel bad that someone else takes your daughter out to play, take advantage of any opportunity for her to play with other children or adults. My daughter would never had learnt to swim if it was up to me. I'm so scared of water, I couldn't even go with her with other adults and watch her learn. She grew up fine and doesn't resent me for any of the things I didn't do, or did badly.

    The most important thing is that we love our children and that they know that. We can all only do our best and feeling guilty that it isn't enough just wastes our limited energy.

    love Pam
  5. Billie

    Billie New Member

    Your story sounds alot like mine. I also went through 8 years of infertility and a following major depressive episode, before I came to the point of wanting to adopt.

    We got our son when he was 11 months old, and he is offically designated a special needs child. The only problem we have had so far is his club feet he was born with, which has corrected itself now.

    One year after he came into our lives, I got CFIDS..and have been struggling with guilt ever since. I am so thankful for that first year. We would walk a mile every day to town and to the park and I would push him in the swings and run with him. I am also a stay at home mom, and I know how hard it is sometimes. When trying to fold laundry sometimes, I just cry with exhaustion and frustration.

    I don't have alot of answers for you. I have a very supportive and understanding husband, which I am so thankful for. He reminds me all the time, that guilt is for something that YOU caused. WE did not ask for this illness, we did not cause it, so we shouldn't feel guilty. It is hard sometimes to convince myself of that. But I know it is true. I am honest with my son and tell him I love him all the time, and that it is not his fault. That mommy would like nothing more than to ride bikes with him, etc. but that my illness will not allow me to. If he wants to do something I cannot, I try to subsitute something I can do, like reading a book or playing a board game. But then sometimes I do things to spite my illness. Just the other day my son was really wanting to play basketball, and I really WANTED to play basketball with my son. So knowing full well I would pay for it a later, I did it. I lasted only 15 min., but I had such a good time with him and so did he. I payed for it that night and the next day, but I the memory I had made helped me get through the exhaustion. I think once in awhile we have to do that for our own mental health, especially when we have children.

    Anway, I know exactly what you are talking about and wanted you to know you are not alone. Sorry I wasn't much help. I hope you are feeling better......Billie
  6. jka

    jka New Member

    my daughter was 3 1/2 yrs old when i was diagnosed with lupus.i was almost completely bed ridden.thank goodness i had a wonderful neighbor i could call when i couldn't get up and she would take my daughter for awhile.amanda(daughter)helped me alot with chores.i couldn't have gotten by without her!today she is 20 yrs. old.she has always been very responsible and helpful to anyone who needs help.she is a wonderful person.people are always commenting about her to me.would she have become this great person if i hadn't been so ill?who knows.but i think it taught her a lot about compassion and caring for others.i couldn't ever get out there and kick the soccer ball or throw the basketball with her.all she remembers is how much i have always been there for her and her friends.she has never resented my illness.
    this is just a little something for you to chew on and think about.they love YOU no matter what!
    hope this helps some.

    kathy c
  7. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    I don't have children but I am a child of a mother with CFS/FMS (I have it too)
    My mom did the very best she could. She loved us. It was not unusual to have to do things together on the couch but I treasure those memories. The neighbors took me to see Santa, etc. It did no harm.
    The best thing I remember is that in the midst of her misery, she was kind , calm and loving.
    Sometimes people who are chronically ill get overwhelmed and become screamers. That is horrible for kids.
    I believe if you do your best, show them love and be a caLm, guiding force in their life you will all be fine.
    I dearly love my mother (who is now 76) and would not trade her for any other mother I know.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/20/2003]
    PS.......most of my friends envy me having her for a mom and are also very close to her. Maybe because she had to rest she had more time to sit and talk with us than their mothers who were always so busy :)
    [This Message was Edited on 05/20/2003]
  8. RedB

    RedB New Member

    that my own children were small, but I now have FM, and babysit for my 17-month old grandson.

    I just wanted to give a couple of ideas to those of you with small children.

    My own father spent all kinds of time with us, but one of the things I remember most was my brother and I lying in bed with Dad and saying nursery rhymes. We would try to see who could remember the most. (This was Dad's way of trying to make us tired enough to take a nap.) It has always been one of my favorite memories, and I followed suit with my own children.

    Another thing that children enjoy tremendously is music. There are many children's cd's out there that teach all sorts of songs and musical games. "I'm a Little Tea Pot", "Ten little Indians", "B-I-N-G-O", The Farmer in the Dell, are wonderful classics that never grow old. And the newer children's play songs are equally as fun for them, and for their mamas.

    Music is always an easy way to have fun with your children. My grandson just entertained us tonight with his newly-learned version of "Hand Jive". LOL Never thought I'd be teaching a 17-month old to slap his thighs to THAT song!

    Kathy