How do I get my message across to Hubby?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by minimonkey, Jan 13, 2006.

  1. minimonkey

    minimonkey New Member

    I have a wonderful husband, and generally we do a pretty good job of being mutually supportive, etc. We are both just beginning to really understand fibro, as I have just finally figured out why I've been in pain for 15 years.

    I've been flaring all year (really stressful year!) with fibro stuff -- really not functioning nearly as well as I usually do, which is generally pretty well. I'm still able to work, but there are many times that is about all I can manage -- I come home and want to collapse. The last 6 weeks have been awful -- I needed to have a complicated root canal, and that sent me into flare city with spasms and migraines -- not fun (to say the least.) This is by far the worst off I've been since I met him.

    Problem is: Although hubby says he gets it, he really seems to have no idea how tiring it is for me to socialize. I do a phenomenal job, I think, of putting on a happy face and going out anyways, but it really, really drains me -- often I pay dearly for it for days. Husband made a comment the other night that really hurt me -- he thinks I don't go to enough of his work functions (parties, etc.) --

    Okay, this past season I went to an x-mas party of one of his co-workers, two days before a scheduled root canal (meaning major pain in addition to fibro pain)-- we took public transportation, walked several blocks uphill in the rain, only to make chitchat with people I don't know. I didn't complain, but asked for a gold star for effort. He got angry that I wasn't up for dinner with his parents the following evening, even though I felt awful, and also had work I needed to get done for the following week.


    I also spent x-mas eve and x-mas day with his family, as well as new years -- all in extreme agony -- but I put on a happy face and did the whole social thing anyways (I love his family, but they can be pretty overwhelming when there are a lot of people there.)

    Then, he says I'm not rallying enough for him! Who does he think I am??????? How on earth am I supposed to get through to him? I tell him and tell him how much I hurt, and I think he just tunes it out after a while.
  2. Gly

    Gly New Member

    That's the problem with doing a phenomenal job of putting on a happy face and going out anyway. Maybe he needs to see what you just wrote.
  3. mkiowa

    mkiowa New Member

    Hey,
    You can not do everything for everybody. Try and put yourself first. You are number one; if you do not take care of yourself; no one else will.
  4. minimonkey

    minimonkey New Member

    Last night, when I said his comment hurt me and we were having a discussion, I said I have to try to stop being everything to everybody..

    He rolled his eyes and said "oh, please.."
  5. minimonkey

    minimonkey New Member

    It just helps to hear others are in the same boat. Thanks for the responses.. I really appreciate them.

    My mom recently had a medical procedure that left her with a sore, spasming neck for 2 weeks (I live with this most every day--leads to migraines) -- she called me to tell me that now she had some idea how I must feel, and no wonder I'm not always up for a visit.... felt really good to hear that. This sounds horrible, but I wish my husband would get something of the same ilk, just for a little while. Mom has her own bag of FM/CFIDS symptoms, but daily chronic pain has never been one of them.
  6. busybusymom

    busybusymom New Member

    Hi Minimonkey - I posted something similar awhile ago. I have a husband who I would describe as "tolerant yet resentful." I have CFS and chronic migraine. Anyone who doesn't suffer with pain or chronic health problems WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND!

    I, too, am worn down by socializing, and he doesn't get it. We also had a battle on New Year's Eve - he wanted to spend it with the neighbors, I wanted to stay home. It took one of my neighbors calling and saying they weren't going to make it to convince him that we would stay home. He didn't have any problem with her saying "no," but had a problem with me saying "no."

    I have had a severe migraine all week, my CFS has been awful, and my husband has, as you stated, "tunes" me out. I get nothing verbally comforting from him, which I desperately need. Yet, interestingly enough, he told me yesterday about a couple of medical problems his dad is having, sounding VERY concerned, and today calls me to tell me about a neighbor (a cop, like my husband), who had an angina attack after Xmas, again, with great concern. I was infuriated!! Where is that concern and worry for ME???? It will never be there. He thinks driving me to doctor's appointments is showing that he "cares." - BS!!!!

    I give you kudos and a massive pat on the back for what you did for him. All that walking and socializing must have been incredibly painful for you. What we need to do is find people like us who CAN understand. This website has been a lifesaver for me; I don't feel like I am crazy if I am suffering from pain or severe fatigue - IT IS REAL!!

    I hope you can work it out with him, but if he is set in his "ways" it is unlikely he will change.

    Good luck.

    Jennifer
  7. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    with my ex. (where there was no hope of understanding, I thought), I silently abided the time when he would end up with a really bad flu. Many months later, he did. He had the body aches, a severe head ache, nausea, and a fever. he could hardly walk and in his terms he was "dying". I didn't have any social events of the kind, but I did have 2 children and a family member coming by. I had groceries that needed to be bought and a house that needed to be cleaned. baby was screaming, 6 months old. I had him out of bed, told him, this is how I feel every day, do you understand, EVERY DAY and you ask me to "get over it". Now it's your turn to get over it and get out of that bed and go to the store. here is a list, bring the kids. Hurry up, mom is coming by later and wants to sit down and plan that party. Then we have to get the house cleaned up. Smile, for heavens sake, it can't be that bad! Think of it, this is what you tell me, but you will be well within days, I will not.
    It was difficult for him, he could barely move, his head was exploding, poor thing. Yeah, I know the feeling hun, how does it feel? I told him this was how a flare was like. I asked him if he would try to avoid a flare if he could, especially if it lasted for days, or weeks. He said he would be more understanding.
  8. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    sorry to the men here but i might try the frying pan???

    my nan is tiny,4' something and my grandad was going on and on ~ his favourite quote is i may not always be right but im never wrong ~ so my nan while preparing the sunday roast lost her temper and threw the leg of lamb at him,he ducked and the end bone went into the door.
    the worst thing was my nan is so short she couldnt reach to pull it out again :D

    im sorry i know its no laughing matter. stop pretending its all ok.
    when me and my hubby hit a dead end we get in a bottle of wine and sit together just nattering to get stuff resolved.
    he needs to understand you and fm but give him chance to get whats eating him off his chest.
    if that doesnt work then have the pan as plan 'b' :)
  9. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    I think it is really hard for those around us to think we are in pain when we put a smile on our faces and do the things we normally do.I have a bumper sticker on my car that says"You don't look sick".Cause that is what people think and say.

    You really need to sit down with hubby and have a very indepth discussion about your health.if he hasn't read anything on FM I suggest you find some on the internet and send them to his mailbox.

    My husband was the same way.I finally broke down one day.I was so angry at this pain I was having everyday.He had never seen me that angry and feel that strongly about myself and my wellbeing.I think it shocked him.For the first time he seen how frustrated I was and how broken I felt inside.

    I think you are doing a great job at keeping on that smiling face but you need to be honest with yourself and hubby.Rest when you need to and I am sure once hubby educates himself and hears from you how you have struggled these last few months just to please him and family.

    When someone hasn't had this kind of pain or ever dealt with severe pain before it is hard for them to grasp what is happening to you.

    I am sure you 2 can work this out.Take care of yourself.
    Sheila
  10. minimonkey

    minimonkey New Member

    It makes me feel better just reading all your posts. Yes, I'm guilty of being a superwoman at times, and it is really, really catching up to me! I think it (the superwoman thing) makes it difficult for those around me to understand when I am really hurting and need a break -- sometimes for several days.

    I don't have CFIDS, thank God, but the fibro makes life mighty miserable on a daily basis -- chronic, unrelenting pain really takes a toll on mind, body, soul. I'm grateful for you folks and your care and words of wisdom.
  11. SallyK

    SallyK New Member

    Mini....I can understand exactly what you're going through. And I know how flusterating it can get because at the same time you're trying to take up for yourself you also realize that you have to live with this person. I know it's not right to let them run over you but sometimes the consequences are much worse than running yourself down. I guess you just have to go till you fall out before they get the message. I don't think anyone would understand unless they had a non supportive husband. Not only do I feel like I've been hit by a truck but I have to feel guilty about it. Now explain how that's right. How can any man be so unloving towards his wife is beyond me but it happens and I don't know anything to tell you to do but try and stand your ground and make sure your Dr. knows about your family situation. I guess sometimes you just have to let them get mad. God bless you and please keep trying to take care of yourself.
    Sally
    [This Message was Edited on 01/15/2006]