How do I get my Mom to not try to control my life

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Dec 11, 2005.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I am getting really stressed out by my Mom. I have not been atteneding my church as I hvae not been up to sitting for three hours. And when I stand up I can't walk or put weight on my left knees & I am stuck with limping out of the chapel. IT is so embarassing to me to have the people that I know come up to me and ask me what is the matter with me? Am I alright? OH what have you done now? I am just tired of all the questions .

    I belong to a great church and I enjoy being able to go and not suffer when I am going to church and the pain in my back is so bad that I am hurting all the time and in so much pain.

    I really don't mean to complain. My mom on the other haaand seems tothink that because I have a NO CAR, and she gives me rides to the doctor apointments and somedays she will just take me up town to get me out of the house. That has been fine till tonight. She called me and imformed me that she was going to make a deal with me. IF I want her to take me places I must attend at least one meeting of church.
    There is nothing that I can do about it. I don't have a car so I am reling on my ,mom to take me to the places that I need to go, EVen just to get out of my house.

    And now she has informed me that If I dont' attend church with her she will not take me any where not even to the doctor's appointment's or to get my perscriptions. I know taht she wants the best for me but I am 49 year sold and if I don't want to go to church it is my choice and it is her choice not to take me any wehre if I don't do as she demands me to do.So I am up a creek with out a paddle. And there is nothing that I can do about it.

    I hvae tried to stand up to her all of my life but I am the one who takes her to the doctor and sits by her bedside when she is in the hospital, and makke sure that she has evreything that she needs.I am the one that has the medical power of atterney for her, becaseu neither my older brother oor younger sister understand what it is and would honor her wishes.AS hard as it would be.

    My sister has thrown her life away and that of her children as she is addicted to her dip of a husband who is moochinng off her welfare and disablility. My sister takes her pain meds and sleeping meds and she chews them up and I have found her so out of it several time that she was not brathing so I shook her and finally got her to wake up but she still was out of it. She is allways out of it , she is addicted to her meds and will steal to get them that is why mine are in a locked metal box so that she can't get to them.

    Mom wil not talk to my sister about her problmes that she has because she feels that if she says anything to her about her problems my sister will not let mom to see her kids mom's grandchildren. The 2 youngest are 10 & 15 and the they love my mom, but my sister has said told them that there cousins are out to take them away from her and she does not know why.

    So with me I am always there to hlep her when she needs it to take her where she wants to go when she does not want to drive. and for all the help I give to her she feels that it is her duty to make me attend church and if I don't I can't go anywhere and she will not take me any where so what do I do? I am so messed up right now and i am up set about her trying to get me to do what she wants all the time. I am so stressed about this new demand she has made for me. NO church NO rides to any where.

    I thought that when i grew up and married and I have been married for 25 years and my mom is still trying to run my life. And make me to do the things that she feels are right to do. I don't know what to do about it.

    I want my life back and I thought I had lost it when I got fibro it is nothing like havingmy mom tellingme that if I dont' do waht she wants I will pay for it. I feel like I am 5 years old and disabaying her and I don't know how to get it through her head that I will attend churh when I want to do so and if I don't feel good or I am in alot of pain from a flare I don't want to go. So how do i get her to understand that i am all grown up and don't need her to tell me that I have to go to church.
    I have lost my mind today because of this attiude she has about my being in attendance to church each week becase if I skip a week I wil not be albe to borrow her car or have her drive me to the appointments i have.

    I have lost my mind and it is getting worse and I don't know what do do about it. Please help me?
  2. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    Rosemarie, the only thing you can do is tell her that "its her choice what she does and doesn't do" and "you appreciate the rides she does give you and the time you get to spend together as a result of her help". If she choses to stop driving you places, you'll just have to take the bus or ask someone else to drive you.
    Chances are, she's just playing a card that you have responded to before so she thinks she has a shot at being in charge.
    Let her know that she is not in charge, you have choices too. She'll probably back down, but if she doesn't at least you have the self respect to have stood up for yourself.
    The good thing about a church family is that if your mom refuses to drive you, someone there will be more than willing to get you to your appointments. Call your pastor and discuss it with him.
    Best of wishes and LOL, Nanna
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    is there any van serivices that will take you to your appointemtns for the disabled or seniors or the needy out there?

    we have a service here in marin county in novato cali. for like $1.50 to do to doctors or grocery stores. maybe then you can be more independant of your mothers clutches...

    i couldn't imagine sitting anywhere let alone for 3 hours in a hard pew....just the thought of it makes me feel pain and anxiety of doing it...ouch....

    call a local charity service to see if there is something available in your help with the disabled for transporation....

    you do not in my opinion need to attend a church committ your belief to your higher power what ever power it may be...i am trying to be politically correct and respectful to everyone's religion here...

    do you have a docotor's not stating you can not sit longer tan a certain period of time... that would be simple to explain to your mother...

    or if your so depressend that you can not be in ther or ju8st anxiety of crowds is understandable as well...i think your mom just wants a friend to go with her...

    you are entitled to be an adult and do what is best for you...the way i see it she is going to need you to be there for her some day....stand your ground what ever is best for you....she is a mother and eventually she will understand what is best for you and you only know what is best for you....

    write her a letter and tell her how you feel if you can not call your and talke to her...

    it is ok to take care of yourself give yourself permission

    and if it means she can not find it in heart to understand your feelings then it may not be worth the prison she is putting you in....

    seek other transporation, affordable there has got to be someone out ther to help you with your transporation needs....

    good luck

  4. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Dear Rosemarie,
    What a hard situation - and I thought my mom was controlling!

    Well, no matter what you say, she probably won't change. It is a god idea, to ask our pastor to help. You could also try reminding her that "the Kingdom of God is within you". Going to church is good, but not if it is painful and causes physical suffering. Jesus is the last one who would want you to do that! I bet your pastor would agree.

    Have you tried getting someone to take you places, through your doctor? Maybe you could qualify for transportation help through some civic organization. Being in Utah, I'm surprised your church hasn't stepped forward to help. Maybe they don't realize you need help. Could someone in your church help?

    You just might have to look outside your family for transportation. If you do that,your mom might just come to her senses, and realize that love does not impose conditions.

    Good luck to you. I'll be praying for you.
    p.s. I just got an idea. Maybe you could remind your mom that we are all united, and if you are not well enough to go to church, you are still united to the spiritual community and are still part of them, no matter where your body is. It's a matter of intention,not physical presence. T

    [This Message was Edited on 12/12/2005]
    [This Message was Edited on 12/12/2005]
  5. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    I feel for you sweetie! Not a good situation to be in.

    Has your mom stopped to remember you have her medical authorization? Or that you take her places, and are with her when she needs someone to drive?

    I like the idea of having the pastor come to your home. It sounds as if that might be easier on you.

    It is difficult to stand up to a mom who is controlling. I know from experience. Within the last year I have learned to say no to my Mom, or disagree with her. She doesn't like it, but I didn't like how I felt when I would allow her to voice her opinions and think her ways were the best. I am also 49 and the child who helps mom the most.

    I am praying for you. Slowly work at not allowing your mom the power she has. It is hard work and can cause some tense moments, but it works out in the long run. Especially for you!

    Gentle hugs,

  6. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I don't have any new suggestions for you. I just wanted to say that I hate it that you are in this perdictament.

    Like others said, is there anyone else that could take you places?

    Can you take your DH to work and pick him up so you can have the only car on the days that you need it?

    If there any way that you could afford a second car, nothing fancy, but something that would run?

    Your overbearing, controlling, blackmailing mother needs to cut the apron strinks and let you live your own life. She can still help you, when needed, like mothers do, but she doesn't have to hold her favors over you!

    Hang in there, honey!

    Holiday Hugs,
  7. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    here. i ddin't think of having pastor come over to your home...or just giving your mother a call and maybe he could make a special acknowledgement of your health in a sermon to the church....

    maybe they could take up a collection ofr a car for you....

    well it will all work out just keep asking for help in your community...


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