How do I keep balance enough to keep my husband???

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by marilynb, Apr 27, 2007.

  1. marilynb

    marilynb New Member

    I am having a hugh dilema right now.

    My husband knows I have FM among other things, but at the same time, he thinks I need to keep moving by constantly going places & doing things. So he keeps finding things for us to do.

    I declined going with him last night because I was so tired & hurting from work. He went alone & came home smelling of cigarette smoke. (The group met in a bar/restaurant, but hung out in the bar section) Smoke is one of the things I can't handle. It makes my sinuses act up very badly.

    Anyway, today I told him I needed to go to work for just a few hours. He told me I better not get too tired because he had plans for us later, that would tire me. Meaning we are going out the the group again tonight. Then tomorrow is an all day thing & then concert tomorrow night.

    Main problem here:
    He is becoming much more social than he has ever been, while at the same time, I have become a great deal more of a loner due to this DD!!

    How do I handle this? Does anyone else have this problem? How do I balance this out? I went away with him for a 3 day weekend last weekend for a group boating thing. I did have a pretty good day on Saturday. Maybe that's where he is getting that from.

    I am so afraid that the more I decline to go with him, the more of a problem we will have until he finally can't take it any more. I don't want to loose him, Although he assures me I am stuck with him.

    I will not ever tell him he can't go, because if he enjoys that, I will certainly not deny him the pleasure. Why drag him down, when I can't go?? But then he says, he really wishes I would go with him, because it makes him feel badly when i don't go with him. (Just another stress I need to worry about)

    Sorry this was so long. It seems like everytime I start something, all my emotions just start flowing out through my fingertips. LOL

    Marilyn
    [This Message was Edited on 04/27/2007]
  2. 6cats

    6cats New Member

    I dont do nearly as many things with my DH as I used to. And I think now after 8 yrs he is realizing it. Will your husband read literature? You need to sit him down and explain to him your exhaustion and that it is hard for you to plan. I think his heart is in the right place, but you really need to tell him how you feel.
  3. lil_angel1198

    lil_angel1198 New Member

    tell him that you enjoy going things with him and really want to go, but that you can't over do it. Ask him to lessen the number of times of going out, or lessen the amount of time you are gone.
    Tell him you need a nap before you can go out at night...even 1/2 hour will help.

    Ask him if he can slow down just a bit for you, so you can keep up with him. It sounds like he really wants to do things with you, and if he does, I'm sure he'll understand that you can do things, just a little slower, or a little less.
  4. pw7575

    pw7575 New Member

    I think others had some really good replies here. I think your husband's heart is in the right place in that he just wants you to have fun. He just has to realize that you can't do so much.

    I think if you just do what others said here and just explain to him that yes sometimes you do have fun when you go out with him but it does take a toll on you. Just tell him that you can't handle so much.

    Maybe compromise with him and tell him you will go out with him and the group sometimes but the rest of the time you would like to stay in. Let him go out on his own and let him know that he doesn't need to feel guilty as you prefer to stay home.

    My boyfriend goes out with friends on Friday nights and I stay home and relax. It is a great situation. He gets to go out and have fun and I can rest.

    He knows that I am sick and can't handle it anymore and I know that he is well and needs to go out and have fun. We both understand the situation so it works out well for both of us.

    So he goes out on Friday and then Saturday we do whatever I feel up to doing. We go out if I want to or stay in if I want to.

    I think it can work out for you and your husband. Just try to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

    Maybe he can have a couple nights where he goes out by himself with the group and the rest of the week you two can spend time together doing what you feel up to doing. Then every now and again you can join the group for a night out when you feel up to it.

    Just talk with him...I am sure he will understand.

    Take Care,
    Pam
  5. bobbycat

    bobbycat New Member

    I have had to just let go and let my husband do things without me. What eventually happend as he got older he did not want to go out as much and now he rarely goes out without me. But, I used to go along but, I just did not have a good time as I never felt well and in the end I felt that I dragging him down anyway. At first I think it did bothered him but, in time he got use it and then it was no big deal. Now when he wants to go somewhere I don't have the guilt and when he ask if I want to go I just say no thanks, you go have fun. See ya later and if I do want to go I go.
  6. marilynb

    marilynb New Member

    Well, I ended up not going to work today. I just hurt to bad to even think about driving & then having enough energy for tonight.

    So glad I stayed home. I feel better & got lots of rest today. I'm trying to find enough energy to get up & take a shower. It takes a lot out of me, especially when I have to wash my hair, then dry it. My hair is so thick it takes forever to dry. So I want to do that early enough, so I can rest again before we leave for dinner.

    Anyway, I talked to hubby today & he said that after he gets off tomorrow at 1:00, he will come home & mow the lawn & we can take our time getting to the concert. It's not far though, it's in Frisco. Guess you know where that is, huh Lisa? It's at the new FCC stadium. We only live about 15 minuites from there.

    So I'm rested now & ready to go to dinner tonight. Then we will play it by ear.

    Thanks for the advice.

    Marilyn

  7. jmq

    jmq New Member

    at how this dd can help a marriage too! Yes, you heard me. My hubby always leaned on me soooo much...both emotionally and financially over the years. It was so bad that I began to resent him. Its a long complicated story...but now I am sick and have to quit working...and he stepped up to the plate. He is so understanding and takes good care of me. He LOVES to eat out and I can barely get out of the house. The poor thing goes to the local eateries and eats by himself. He calls me from the resturant and asks me what I would like him to bring home from there.

    I have fallen in love with him all over again. This will be our 25th anniversary year. Amazing how life works?

    I hope if you are honest with your partner, it may be a chance for them to truely show thier love.
  8. dc1980

    dc1980 New Member

    Like jmq, I have been married 26 yrs last Nov. The kids are grown and out of the house. I had to quit working in June 05 because of DD. My husband had always leaned on me for the emotional support and now it is vice versa and it has been a road of recovery for him learning to be the strong one. I think he has finally got it though.

    Now he calls before making any plans that also include me. Sometimes I go and sometimes I simply can't go. He always continues to ask though, that is our agreement. He can't speak for me and I am the one that has to make the final decision. It wasn't easy getting to this point but well worth it because now I do have more respect for him that makes me love him all the more.

    When I first was diagnoised with Fibro, CFS, depression, etc. he thought he was doing me a great service by telling others that he wasn't going to bother me because I was sick and make the decision for me. Well almost 2 years later here we are and he finally gets it...YEAH!!!

    He said he still feels uncomfortable going places without me where there are couples, such as his company Christmas party. I bet he called me 3 times and each time a slow song would be playing and he said he wanted to dance with me. He ended up coming home by 9:30pm. That makes me love him silly. I told him that I would feel the same way.

    Basically since being diagnosed with all these DD, we have had to learn a new language and a new way of communicating. We have learned things about one another that neither of knew for the last 26 years.

    We have had to look at it as we have a responsibility to one another, always be honest about how we are feeling. Especially me since I am the one who is sick. When my husband ask me out I don't only have to think about how I am going to feel the next day but do I have something on my schedule, like a play date with my daughter and my grandson, or a early dr. appt. Doing anything that requires physical activity I have to look ahead otherwise there have been ALOT of times after a night out with the hubby that I over do it and am bed for 3 straight days. It could be just going out to dinner and a movie then stopping by Wal-Mart to shop for an hour then my goose is cooked for 3 days.

    So sometimes when he calls and ask what I want for supper, I tell him to come pick me up and we will drive around, pick up carry out, maybe a movie and just come home to eat and watch a movie here at the house. That’s part of spending quality time with him and him with me.

    Hang in there, just keep the line of communication open, you can't afford not to with these DD. From what you have said he loves you so don't be scared of losing him, just take back some charge of the effects of these DD's. Get to know your limitations, and then you two can figure it out together.

    Take care,
    DC

    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2007]
  9. marilynb

    marilynb New Member

    Well, dinner went well. I made it until almost 10:00. It got very smoky & that started to bother me. My eye that I have PVD in, clouded up really bad & my throat & lungs were burning from the smoke. I told him I had to go outside for air. He went outside with me, & then when we got outside, I told him I would just go shopping at target around the corner & he went back in for a little while longer. Then he came out about 10:30.

    So I made it & now I am resting up for tonight. We will go hang out at the parking lot with the group where all the RVs are parked, until the concert starts.

    I think he is being very sensitive to my needs. We just may be able to get through this.

    We have been married for 21 years & have been through a lot but have always made it out just fine. I thought I might let him read some of your posts, to let him know we are not the only couple who goes through this.

    Thanks for everyones great advice.

    Marilyn