How do I tell my parents I will be moving far away from them?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by cinnveet, Sep 2, 2006.

  1. cinnveet

    cinnveet New Member

    I havent been on the board latley, as I feel my world has spun out of control.

    6 yrs ago my family and I moved down to Florida to be near my parents, after my husbands parents passed away.

    My husband and I have decided to move back to Philly.

    My parents are going thru a very ruff time right now with not being able to meet their bills. My mother is an emotional mess and has become very forgetful. She keeps taking her nitro. I have been working on helping them with a reverse mortgage, and paying alot of their bills. My mother calls me at least 4 to 6 times a day and cry's to me.

    I no longer get along with my sister because she party's too much and dosnt take care of her children, and I was also taking care of her 3 kids and her bills until I realized I was enabling her to party by paying her bills. When I confronted her for stealing my medication and my husbands medication, she punched my face in. (long story on that one)

    I do get along with my brother, and he is trying to help me with my parents, but he works long hours and it is hard for him to help with thier bills as his wife is disabled.

    I love Florida, I love were I live along the water, but I am emotionally drained and in constant flares but dont have any time to take care of myself.

    My husband miss'es his family in Philly, and they are wonderful people.

    I already arranged for a job transfer and will know thursday when I am expected to start.

    But I dont know how I am going to tell my parents. This is going to really hurt my mother. And I would do it if it wasnt the right thing to do for my husband and children.

    I cant sleep or eat, as I am so worried for them and how my mother will take this.

    I already asked them to move up north with me but they said "no way" and want to live the rest of thier lives in Florida.

    Ok well thank you for letting me vent.

    God Bless,
    Cin
  2. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    In my opinion, you just simply have to tell them your decision, they are after all...adults, as are you and your husband.

    It's your right to live wherever you two decide to live.

    But...if you move to Philly and continue to worry about your parents and what's going on, it won't work. I don't see how it can.

    So...learn to let it go. Before you move away.

    Have you done all you can to help? Have you gone above and beyond what adult children normally do to help? Have they declined to move with you even though it may be better for them?

    Then accept their choice...they are free to make it and so are you. Sometimes we just have to let things go and it sounds like it's time for you to do so.

    It isn't always easy living away from our parents but sometimes it's necessary. But please don't bring all the problems with you, you won't find any relief that way.

    Make your decision and go....knowing you've done the best you could, for everyone involved and that now it's time to make the best choice for you and your husband, and to take care of yourselves.

    Best of luck to you both...

    Hugs,

    Nancy B
  3. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    My heart goes out to you. I also took care of my grandmother for a year before she died . Then my husband lost his job and we moved back to where we are now.

    It was very hard to leave her. My brothers were still with her but it was hard cause I was her only granddaughter. All her own children were passed away. I had to put her in a nursing home because everyone worked and she couldn't be left alone.

    I realize this is different then your case with your mom.
    You said your parents ,they will have each other and will need to support each other that's an OK thing. They probably will do better then you think.

    Do not feel bad about living your own life .As for your sister sounds like she needs to grow up .

    The person above gave you wonderful advice about setting up things like meals on wheels and getting help from the counsel of ageing.

    I might add ,to fine a neighbor who can check in on them .Get phone numbers of people you can call who see your mom and Dad so if there is any problems they can call you.

    I'm not sure what faith you are but maybe you can let a minister there know about their problems and ask if they could also check in somedays.Thank God for computers also.
    People can stay in touch and inform you if there are any problems.

    But your family should come first.Your health is very important and you need to put you first. You can not take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself. It sounds like you need a break and your mother may get upset but you have to live your own life.

    Setting everything up and then breaking the news to them may be the best way to go. That way she will know she still will have help from other people.
    Good luck you are in our prayers.














  4. jenafuzzy

    jenafuzzy New Member

    dear cin,

    what a difficult time you are going through. i am sorry that i don't have any wise council to give you, but i will be praying for you.

    please keep us posted on how things are going.

    god bless,

    jen
  5. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    ...I know you will worry about them, that's only natural, but you gave them a big opportunity when you suggested that they move up north with you. Of course, they have the right to refuse, but then they've made a decision that they need to live with. And you need to live with yours without worrying about it---I believe you need to do what's right for the rest of your family.

    If your mother is just beside herself with your decision, then perhaps it will motivate her to reconsider moving up north with you. If not, then she will find a way to live with it. See, I don't believe there's just one big decision here---there's two. You have decided to move north, your parents have decided not to. Right now, you are taking on ALL the guilt...but they've made a decision, too, don't take on the guilt for that one.

    Sounds like you've done a lot for them over the past few years. Let yourself take care of your health now and your family.

    Due to internet, cellphones & much cheaper long distance rates (remember as kids our parents would cringe if we were on a long distance call longer than 3 minutes???) it is easier to be in touch long distance. They will still be "close" to you (maybe more than you'd like even!)

    Go with your gut, and don't feel so guilty! I hope it all works out. BTW, where in Philly? My sister lives in Upper Darby, her hubby born & raised in Philly---he's worked for PECO for years. Good luck to you!

    (((Hugs)))
    Pam
    [This Message was Edited on 09/03/2006]
  6. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Cin,

    I truly feel for you. I have been in a similar situation twice in my life. The first time was when I was a single mother and decided to move away from my parents. I didn't want to leave them, but I definitely felt God leading me to relocate. I worked for a major airline and was able to easily transfer to a new city. I lied and told my parents that my company was transferring me to a new office.

    My parents were devastated. It broke my heart to leave them, especially my mother. She depended on me so much. I would see them every day because my son would go to their home after school and I'd pick him up after work. I would take my mom shopping and she always had me to complain to about her life. She was a very unhappy woman.

    I wasn't ill back then, but I just felt this overwhelming force urging me to leave and I knew that it was God's plan for me. Eventually things worked out because without me there, my father started to take my mother out and do things with her that he didn't while I was there. Within one month of relocating to my new home, I met a wonderful man and 23 years later he is still my husband, my friend and the one who takes care of me during this challenging time now that I am sick. So,you see, you never know what the future has for you.

    The second time I moved was 4 years ago. Again, I didn't want to move because I didn't want to leave my grandchildren and my sons. But God kept opening doors leading to our new home and closing doors behind us so that I knew I couldn't stay..I had to follow His leading and go. Of course, I still miss my grandchildren.

    I realize now that God was making a way for me to live in a peaceful small town, my husband was able to retire and is at peace and always available for me when I need him. Also, if I hadn't moved, I know that I would have been constantly babysitting my 4 grandchildren because I love being around them. That would have really impacted my health.

    Cin, this post is longer than I intended. I just want to say one more thing. During one of my moments of doubt about my last move, I asked God to please reassure me and give me a sign that that this was His will. I then walked over to my husband and looked over his shoulder. He was reading an email. When I saw what he was reading I knew that I had my answer and that God had spoken to me.

    I will post separately the words that were meant to reassure me about my move.

    Lolalee
    [This Message was Edited on 09/03/2006]
  7. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Cin, here is the poem that helped me take that final step peacefully:

    DON’T LOOK BACK

    As you travel through life there are always those times
    when decisions just have to be made;
    when the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,
    and the rain seems to soak your parade.

    There are some situations where all you can do
    is simply let go and move on.
    Gather your courage and choose a direction
    that carries you toward a new dawn.

    So pack up your troubles and take a step forward,
    the process of change can be tough.
    But think about all the excitement ahead
    if you can be stalwart enough!

    There might be adventures you never imagined
    just waiting around the next bend.
    And wishes and dreams just about to come true
    in ways you can’t yet comprehend!

    Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new things
    as you challenge your status quo.
    And learn there are so many options in life
    and so many ways you can grow!

    Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected
    and see things that you’ve never seen.
    Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds
    and wonderful spot in between!

    Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring
    and somebody special who’s there
    to help you stay centered and listen with interest
    to stories and feelings you share.

    Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends
    are supportive of all that you do.
    And believe that whatever decisions you make,
    they’ll be the right choices for you.

    So keep putting one foot in front of the other,
    and taking your life day by day
    There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road.
    Don’t look back…you’re not going that way!!

    Cin, I forgot to tell you that not only did God provide a peaceful home for me, but we joined a wonderful little church and have many good friends here. Also, I believe that we were enabling our children and without us close by they have had to depend fully on God for all their needs. They have grown spiritually and are much stronger people with tremendous character.

    I know your situation is not exactly like mine, but I hope this helps.

    Lolalee