how do you all deal with life??

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by hanna28, Mar 24, 2004.

  1. hanna28

    hanna28 New Member

    I am 28 and currently taking care of my mother who has end stage emphesema as well as fibromyalgia. I am a single mother of a 4 year old, working full time, and living with my mom (to care for her). My father passed away about a year. My brother has turned back to drugs to deal with the changes in our lives (he's in rehab and trying to get well which is a relief but he stumbles often). I seems like my every day is a constant struggle just to make it to the next. I just don't know how to deal with life anymore....I really just don't. I know I have to be strong for my mom and my daughter but I really feel like my world is crumbling piece by piece. I tried talking about these things to my doctor and his response was "well you've got alot on your plate - things will get better"............but they never seem to. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I am not at all suicidal - i know i HAVE to hang in there for my daughter. But, I am really wondering what to do with myself and my emotions. I guess i really don't know what kind of response I am looking for as all i can do is deal with my life moment by moment....I just needed a place to vent.
  2. neverbeen

    neverbeen New Member

    Hello Hanna, I was reading the boards looking for consolation for my own problem (dealing with a spouse with Alz..) and read your entry. I wish I had answers for you, you have such a huge load on you. I will say though, keep yourself healthy, eat well, rest when you can, try to enjoy your daughter. Is there any other family that can give you a break occasionally? There is an expression you must know...."This too shall pass." It is hard to believe when you are in the middle of something so hard, but it really is true. And know that a lot of people here are thinking about you and wishing you better days soon. They will come. You are earning them. We all need to vent, Hanna. Hang in there....neverbeen
  3. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    So sorry you are having so much responsibility at such a young age.

    Lets hope your brother gets his life back to normal, as I am sure he could be a huge help to you and your Mom.

    Like the other poster said, please try and take good care of your own health, as your little daughter needs her Mom too.

    Do ask a friend or relative to come sit with your Mom so that you can have a day out with your little girl, and then maybe an evening out with some of your friends now and then. It always helps to get away from our problems as much as we are able too.

    I had a sick Father, then my Mom, I was the Mom of three small children at the time and divorced.

    I always set aside a Friday night to go out and just be away from it all. I paid a sitter, got someone I could trust and not have to worry. They always had a phone number where I could be reached at anytime.

    It was my salvation, even for one evening out a week. But I went even if I was tired. It was a necessity for my own health.

    Take care, and I will say a prayer for you and your family, especially your brother.

    Shalom, Shirl

  4. tom-r

    tom-r New Member

    I am sorry to see that you have had such a load dumped on you. Everything that you talk about is a normal feeling for someone that has had to assume the roll that we as caregivers have taken upon us.

    The trick is to learn how to do handle the load that we bare. First you need to find out where you can get the information you need to help deal with your life as it is today. There are lots of sites that have information on how to be a caregiver. Knowledge will give you strength in just knowing that what you feel is a normal condition for what you are going thru.

    Plus when you start looking into caregiving you will find out that there is a lot of us out here, and we all have gone thru the same feelings that you are dealing with now. So don't feel like you are alone in this matter, just start to get educated in the proper way to care for someone.

    You will see that there are rules to go by and they will help you get your life in order, there is also training classes for caregiving, but they cost money, and I work shift so I haven't gone but have thought about it. They had one here in town just last week or so

    Remember that knowledge is power, so the more you read about the subject the more you know and understand. With that it will help you keep your life with your daughter in line.

    I hope that you find the help that you need, and my prayers are with you.

  5. BJ62

    BJ62 New Member

    Hi Hanna, I guess the first thing is to realize is that you are not your situation nor in your feelings. I have been caring for our youngest daughter for 16 years (now almost 18), she was in a near drowning accident when she was 2 years old (I was at work)...I was only 25 when it happened. How do I go on? One day at a time dear, I know it sounds simple...and I also know that it isn't. One thing that I didn't do when this happened and I now wish that I had was joining a support group, or at least posting on a nice board like this one. I know time is of the essence though with having a young daughter to raise as well, I also had (have!!) 2 sons that were 4 and 6 years old at the time. But take time for You, that is more important than you may ever know. Someone mentioned eating and sleeping properly and that is very important, as well as your good books that you enjoy, meditate if you're so inclined...join a group that interests you, a pottery You'll meet new people with the same interests, expand your mind and feel better about yourself and others. As I sounds easy, and I know it isn't, but it gets easier every time you do it. Take good care of YOU, and it will be easier to give to others :)
    Be well...

    [This Message was Edited on 03/29/2004]
  6. paintergal

    paintergal New Member

    Hi Hanna.

    Before I start I must say it is truly a blessing to everyone that Tom frequently posts at this board. His advice is always so complete it's impossible to top. He is so right about knowedge. Sometimes when you can't get control of a situation, just the act of trying to find answers can empower you a little and help ease the anxiety you feel when you are overwhelmed. It's like when you lose your job. It's better to begin updating your resume, scouting job listings, making phone calls, etc - actively looking for another job that helps give you hope for resolution to the problem at hand.

    I am no longer the caregiver for my Mom. She passed away last summer. But I still frequent this site to see if I can ever lend a piece of advice. I had a really rough time with my Mom. She had many health problems, mental and physical along with dementia. Many - if not all of her problems came about because of her own actions. Talk about feeling helpless. I cringed every time the phone rang. My brother was good for @#$% and lived out of state. I was pretty much alone and had to cope day in and day out. I prayed for strength and God's mercy. My prayers were answered. He provided me with both.

    Believe me Hanna, everyone here has a story. And everyone endures emotional pain of some sort when we find ourselves as caregivers. My wish is to let you and everyone know that one day your burden will be lifted and you can get on with your life. Your little girl cannot fully understand this situation at her young age, but I can tell you she is influenced by what she sees and hears. With all due respect, I believe she is your MAIN responsibility and whatever you can do to make her feel more secure and loved you should do. As she gets older, I encourage you to calmly explain your situation to her. She must understand your responsibilities regarding your Mom. You will be surprised to see how compassionate and understanding she will be if you just level with her.

    As far as your brother, he is old enough to make his own decisions no matter how destructive. You cannot change him nor should you empower him. If he is over the age of 18, you should not allow him to live with you. If this is how he behaves, he is only adding negative influence and stress into you, your Mom's and your daughter's lives. After his rehab, he should find a place of his own. And you should explain to him - why. If he continues to live with you then becomes a danger to you or your daughter when he is under the influence, I would make plans to leave that house. If this is your Mother's home, you need to have a talk with her and let her know how you feel.

    If there is one thing I learned about taking care of my Mom it's that one must learn patience and to know when to back off when things can't be changed. I'm what some would call a control freak. So, this was a hard lesson for me to learn. I find coping much easier now and little things that go wrong don't usually bother me too much anymore. When I find myself in situations out of my control, I don't get so anxious. I just say, "Oh well - what are you gonna do?"

    I guess what I'm trying to say is take this opportunity to learn more about yourself and how you can become a better person. You are not alone. So, learn what you can, get good advice and say a little prayer everyday to help get you through. And above all, take care of your little girl.

  7. susabar

    susabar New Member

    You've had allot to deal with at such an early age... For me there is only one answer... I give it all to God. I don't know if we are allowed to say this on the boards but the promise that God makes is that he will bear our burdens. I have lived through some really tough times as I am almost twice your age. This world is so ruined and sad... I couldn't go on another day without the promise I have in the Lord. Pray about it and I will pray for you.
    Love , Sue