how do you cope with the guilt?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rbecca47, Feb 11, 2006.

  1. rbecca47

    rbecca47 New Member

    I come to this board everyday, read post and sometimes reply. i rarely post anything. because reading what others have to say and reading there replies, help so much. but now i am in a major flare, can't move to much just typing is difficult. i hurt all over. my face is numb my arms and legs feel like dead wieght. before this flare iwas at least able to do a little house work now can't seem to even walk to the kitchen. i am not sure what to do to control the pain. i used to do a pretty good job at that. but lately i can't. i can not take pain meds. i am on antidepressants. all i want to do is not move a muscle. but afraid if i don't move i won't be able to ever move again. my kids are cooking and doing some house work. but how do i get over the guilt of not being able to do it my self. i hate to impose on them. they don't mind, and they never make excuses not to help. they can very upset when i don't call and ask them for help. but i feel so guilty about them helping me. how do you cope with the guilt ?.
    my kids don't do anything or say anything to make me feel guilty, i just do. i have always been independent. always worked hard. now i feel like an burden on my family.please help me understand how to cope.
    becca


  2. OvercomingFM

    OvercomingFM New Member

    Hi,
    This is my first time on here. I've had this horrible condition since 1998, and I've never really communicated with others due to my own family and its special situation. See, along with the FMS, I have a 10 year old son with cerebral palsy and autistic tendencies. He has serious behavioral issues, which can get out of hand from time to time. You would not believe the kind of things he's done in his room, or how physically draining it can be for a person without FMS. I have two teenaged daughters who are worn out from dealing with their brother, and then there's me....the mom who lies in bed all the time and can't seem to get the dishes done. Yes, I've been there. Guilt will kill you. But, it won't help. I have found that it helps to have real heart to heart talks with the family members every so often - to let them know "corporately" how you are doing and what needs to be done to keep things moving smoothely. Don't get me wrong.....my house is not running smoothely. These are teenaged girls I'm dealing with, and they don't like to do anything.....much less, chores. But, it does help to communicate....and to let them know how you feel. Most of the time, they all agree to rally 'round Mom. The more they can understand the condition, the better - although mine are kind of sick of it. They hate everything having to do with fibromyalgia.....especially how it has ruined their lives. Anyway, I would recommend that you "let go and let God." Release the care and guilt. Your family is stronger than you think!
  3. claudiaw

    claudiaw New Member

    HI,
    My name is Claudia I'm new to this board. I also struggle with guilt. I am a very independant person and now I can't drive, cook or clean. It all falls on my husband. I try to do as much as I can and let some things go. I figure I might as well try to learn something from this experience ( though it is hard, I try to think positive:). One thing I have learned is it is o.k. to not be perfect ( no one can be anyway:)and people and loved ones really do want to help. I have a hard time asking for help, it is very humbling.
    Remember it is not your fault you hurt. If someone in your family needed care, I know you would givre it gladly, I'm sure they feel the same. They want to make you feel better and can't, but at least they can do things for you, so it probably makes them feel good to help. Don't put pressure on yourself, it will only make you feel worse, be gentle with yourself and do the best you can. That is all anyone can ask. Ihope this made sense. I am tired and hurting so it is hard to think.:)
    Take Care. Claudia
  4. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    You mention not being able to take pain meds because you're on anti-depressants...many of us here are on both with no problems whatsoever.

    Have you asked your doc about this?

    As for the guilt, let me tell ya.....kids need to learn how to cook, clean and be a part of a functioning household.

    My kids did their own laundry since they were 10 years old, cooked one night a week too...something they chose and planned the meal even if it started with hot dogs and tater tots. They both can now put out a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner without help!!!

    They are both completely comfortable in the kitchen, create their own recipes and are great cooks. Comes in handy for my son too who can cook for dates.

    My kids made their own school lunches from kindergarten on because when I made them, they traded all their food away and this way, they chose for themselves, learned how to eat healthy and make choices. (How the heck am I supposed to know what someone else is hungry for anyway???)

    My daughter even took over holiday baking when she was around 10 years old. Now when she goes to someone's home, she takes home baked treats (from scratch)and wows the crowd.

    You are NOT IMPOSING on your kids...you are TEACHING them life skills that they will need to succeed!!!!! You're teaching them team work, how to work well in a group and how a "real" family works. They take care of each other. I'm sure they can remember many times when you took care of them.

    Now... I want you to do something for me...Ready for this??

    I want you to look into your child's eyes when you tell them they've done a good job and what a wonderful help they are to the family. OK? Sounds simple enough...but watch their posture puff up. Watch their eyes light up.

    Watch what they look like when the family sits down to the first meal they've prepared of hot dogs, tater tots and green beans. Watch the pride in their eyes.

    Watch the pride in their eyes when you get out of bed and see the living room vacuumed and thank them for it.

    If I had my brain back, I could list you 50 kids who had to go off to college and didn't even know how to sort their own laundry!!!

    Trust me, your kids will grow up one day. They will leave your home for their own. And they'll thank you for knowing the skills they need to take care of themselves and others.

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.
  5. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    My own mother wasn't much of one. Never felt too loved, still don't. But one thing I'm very thankful for is all the skill she taught me. I was the oldest and had lots of responsibities to help, esp. after she became a widow.

    I can cook up a storm, started at 7 helping and could cook simple meals by 9. I crochet, sew, am a good housekeeper and am good w/ kids, all thanks to what Mom taught me and all of us, my brother included. My fiance praises me to the gates all the time because he loves how domestic I am and walks away from the dinner table a grateful man every night.

    You have nothing to feel guilty for, kids love to be needed too. They will be contributing and caring, compassionate adults thanks to you. Every cloud always has a silver lining, trite but true.



    Jeanne
  6. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Couldn't have said it better myself....

    I often think my son wouldn't be the man he is today without my being so ill all his life.

    He's going to make some woman very, very lucky some day!!!

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.